Thinking Over

A/N: Warning, not suitable for diabetics! Contains high sugar load.

Title comes from Dana Glover's song, "Thinking Over."

***

"Paris? He's a pig. And so are you."

I remember the first time you called me a pig. I'll be honest; I wasn't expecting that particular insult. I've been called a variety of things; some good, a lot bad, but never, ever a pig. There was something about the way you said it- in that unimpressed, deadpan way that made me extremely determined to make you change your mind of me. It took a while, but I'm glad you finally did. You still call me a pig. But at least now I'm your pig.

"Courage doesn't mean that you don't have fear. It means that you've learned to overcome it."

I remember when you said those words to me, when we were trapped down in the mines. I'll admit that I was a bit surprised by your eloquence. No offence, but back then I thought you were a little more…simple-minded. The way you treated me down there and the way you refused to leave my side when I felt so weak, really made me see you in a different light. I saw you clearly for who you were then, and from that point on, the only person I saw was you.

"Torres never cries. Ever notice that? I don't trust people who don't cry."

I confess that I wasn't exactly with it when I said those words. After all, I was turning into a lizard. Possibly the weirdest and most embarrassing moment of my life, and something that you and Harry still don't stop teasing me about. That was the first time we worked on a project together, working with each other even off duty. And you know what? I revelled in the time I spent with you. Figuring out how to make our project was hard and extremely frustrating, but knowing you were with us, made time pass a lot faster. When you told me that we'd reached Warp 10, I wanted to memorise that look of pure joy and pride on your face forever.

I'm glad you didn't hear me say those words. I don't think I meant them. I'd seen you cry before- but only as a human. I saw you as this strong woman who never let such fragile emotions run the better of you, at least not in public. Your strength and constant composure was something I deeply admired. And I admire so much about you.

"I've been surprised at how well you've fit in. A little envious."

Your words surprised me. I didn't even realise how well I had settled in with Voyager until you said those words. Voyager is the only place I've ever felt at home. And the truth is, you've been a big part of why that is. Even back then, when we were only beginning to become friends.

"He proved himself right from the beginning. The fact is, I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him. Neither would a lot of you."

Neelix really knows how to strike a chord with people, doesn't he? And he was right. You had saved my life more times than necessary, and for that I'll always be thankful. I was sad to see you leave, feeling like you'd left when something I wasn't even sure of was just beginning.

"Why are you so interested?"

Because I was jealous. You seemed to revel in the attention that Bristow showered down on you, yet more than two hours in my company and I got the impression you were ready to knock me unconscious and fly your own way back to Voyager. Oh, and thanks for not hanging around to see if I was okay after being attacked by an alien! Really, your sympathy…it was touching.

"Oh you need me. I'm touched."

I thought it endearing that you thought I'd be able to help you out with your dilemma, and how you were trying everything in your power to get me to stay, lieutenant. I liked the way you were very unsubtly flirting with me. But I liked seeing you squirm more.

"More along the lines of smashing."

Did I ever tell you how hot you looked in that dress? Not that you aren't hot usually, it's just I had hardly ever seen you wear anything other than the regulation uniform. And let's face it, that uniform isn't exactly going to win Sexiest Uniform of the Year Award anytime soon. I'm blabbing. But you looked wonderful, B'Elanna. You always do.

"I was just afraid to admit it…I've wanted this for so long."

You have no idea how long I had waited for you to say that. When you did, it broke my heart because this wasn't the right time, or the right place… It would have been so easy to give in to you, and maybe any other opportunity I would have done. But I respected you far too much. Your opinion of me was far too valuable to sacrifice. I knew whatever we did, you would only come to regret later. When your lips came into contact with mine, I could have cried. You felt so good and tasted so real, that letting you go was torture, and took a lot of willpower to break off. But I'm glad I made that decision. Maybe if I hadn't, you wouldn't be beside me now.

"Someday, I hope you'll say that to me and mean it."

Have I told you how much I respect you? Okay, maybe sometimes it's more like the opposite, but for the most part I look at you and feel myself glowing. Sakari was definitely a changing point in our relationship. It wasn't supposed to happen like that, but it did, and I'm glad. Without it, it might have taken the rest of those seventy years we have left until we get back, before we one of us even attempted to make a move. So many things could have happened in those caves. And so many things did. When I think back on how reluctant you were to give in to me, it makes my blood sing. So many other guys would have yielded far too quickly. But not you. And that both surprised and delighted me. I knew how hard you were resisting. For my benefit, you kept saying. You didn't realise it, but the more you pushed me away, the more I wanted you. When I kissed you, I could taste and feel the way you felt about me, and that was such an overpowering feeling that I didn't want to stop. And when I was cured, that feeling didn't go away.

"I know you were afraid that your big scary Klingon side might have been showing. Well, I saw it up close. And you know, it wasn't so terrible. In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing it again some day."

If you intended to make me speechless, you sure did a good job at it. I'm sorry I ever thought you ineloquent, because clearly you aren't. You sure know the right words to set a girl's heart racing. And I'm glad.

"Be careful what you wish for, Lieutenant."

I wished for it everyday, B'Elanna. Everyday.

"Maybe it will give me ideas on how to make your heart quicken."

I wonder if you ever did read that holonovel. You would have found out that things were slightly more complicated than that. I didn't even get to find out what happened; you never did give that back. As for the holonovel… you may be surprised to find out that you didn't need it to make my heart quicken. But I wasn't going to tell you anytime soon. And maybe it was a little fun watching you try.

"I am not hostile!"

It's quite possible that I offended you when I told you otherwise. I won't lie when I say that I revelled in your response. I loved your immediate hostile reaction, and the way your face flushed with anger. You may have been trying to decapitate me, but quite frankly, you never looked sexier. I loved how afterwards you tried to prove to me how you weren't hostile. I appreciate the gesture, but it took you a while to warm up to me, didn't it?

I'll never forget the moment I spent trying to warm up your hands. I noted how well your tiny hands fit in mine. And when we were transported back, I didn't want to let you go.

B'Elanna, you can get as hostile as you want with me. I'll never get tired of it. And if you ever get cold again, you know where I am.

"I care about you. But if you're going to keep pushing me away, there's no point in my staying around, is there?"

I was so disappointed when you walked out. Not in you, but myself. There I was, letting you get away again. And I was sick of that; sick of fighting you. All I could think about when I saw you, was this man so determined in me in everyway, and who accepted me- my human side and my Klingon side, especially my Klingon side. No one's ever believed in me like you do. No one has ever looked at me like you do. That scared me. But I wanted to see what would happen if I finally confronted how I felt.

"I have to tell you the truth. I…I love you."

You broke my heart again when you said that. Funny how you have a way of doing that. Don't get me wrong, those were words that I had been hoping you would say. But I despaired about how I would never get the chance to tell you the same. Or show you. I had so much to give to you; so many things to prove. And I was so disappointed that we weren't even going to get the chance to begin.

But we did, and you can be sure that I'm not letting you out of my sight.

"Oh no. I meant it. But I don't expect you to reciprocate. Really, er…you can just pretend that I didn't say it. In fact let's just pretend-,"

Not a chance, B'Elanna. Not. A. Chance.

"So our whole relationship might be based on some... alien experiment?"

We're looking at each other, slightly amused by the situation. We keep talking…something about letting this particular experiment run its course. We both wonder if our feelings are due to an experiment. We both go on about what a shame that is. Yet we both really know that it's more than that. It always has been. But you can kiss me like that anytime you want, anywhere you want. In fact, I hear that the mess hall is empty right now…