The characters are owned by Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
This was written after watching "Endgame" immediately following "Caretaker" (Voyager in a nutshell). Thank you to my beta for all the help! I couldn't have done it without you!
Borg often overlook small details of humanoid behavior; it is usually irrelevant. The main objective is achieved best when minute distractions are ignored. However, there are times when miniscule eye and hand movements and vocal inflections provide valuable information. Unfortunately, even with the vast database at my disposal, the interpretation of these gestures has provided much confusion to me.
Take Chakotay, for example. During our third date, his demeanor was quite cordial, and yet there was an overtone of uneasiness. I attributed it to the usual nervousness associated with a new relationship, as per the doctor's instructions; however, after the admiral informed me of our fate in her universe, I began to question whether it was more. She said that my death destroyed him, but Chakotay is strong; that is part of the reason why I chose him. I do not believe the simple loss of a loved one could have the effect the admiral described.
Yet, when I attempted to break off our relationship, he was reluctant. I assumed he would be relieved, though perhaps his dogged determination to continue our courtship was related to my own ability to control my disappointment at having to give up something I had wanted for quite some time. I know that the tears in my eyes were visible to him, and perhaps he did not want to break my heart. But I did not want to continue something that was destined for disaster. It appeared we were at an impasse…
The first time it occurred to me that the captain may be a factor was when Chakotay insisted that two Janeways were a sure bet at success. I found it curious; I know he has been inexplicably loyal to her since well before I was extricated from the collective, but this was an almost absurd faith in another human being. Then again, Captain Janeway is no ordinary human being. After all, she beat the Borg Queen and got us home.
It was in the Alpha Quadrant that I felt his loss as she ordered him away from my side and to the helm to replace Lieutenant Paris, called to Sickbay to greet his new child. The commander did not even glance back at me as he took his place in front of the viewscreen. I suppose it could have been the eagerness to complete the final leg of our journey, and the inherent focus on his arrival where he would greet loved ones, but he had already told me that he was uncertain as to his plans, so clearly there was nothing here he was looking forward to so much as to distract him from my presence.
My next thought was that he was simply too professional to allow our personal relationship visibility. However, he was not shy in Astrometrics, nor on the bridge earlier, so I ruled out that possibility.
This was puzzling. I began to observe the captain, and marveled for a moment at how she had actually sat down in her chair. She rarely sits when on the bridge. She looked very sad, and I know she was grieving for the admiral, but, like a terminated drone, the admiral was now irrelevant, and the captain knew this. There was obviously something else bothering her.
I began to focus upon the details: the way her eyes fluttered as she blinked back tears and attempted to maintain her composure, the way her hand shook as she gently placed it upon the arm of her chair. Restless as usual, it was not long before she stood and walked over to Chakotay's side.
Next, she placed a hand gently upon his shoulder. Obviously quite accustomed to her touch, he seemed to relax as she made contact. It was quite the antithesis of the arousal he exhibited when I kissed him in his quarters. I began to wonder about the nature of their relationship, and how it differed from ours. Would there be a time when Chakotay would have to choose between the two of us? And if so, would he prefer the excitement of his time with me, or the calm of his experience with her?
Curiously, she did not seem eased by the touch as he was. He reached an arm up his shoulder and covered her hand with his own, squeezing it gently.
If I had not already been intently focusing upon the scene, I would not have noticed the single tear that ran down her cheek at that time. It occurred to me that just a few years ago, my first thought at that observation would be to postulate that her ocular glands were malfunctioning. However, having asked the doctor to perform the surgery that would allow me to cry, I understood much better how she felt. The culmination of a seven-year detour was obviously a very emotional moment for her, and for many of the bridge crew. She was not the only one affected.
But it was the concern with which Chakotay focused upon her distress that drew my curiosity. After a few minutes, when the course was laid in and no further attention was required on his part, he looked up at her and, although they did not speak, they had clearly communicated. I found myself envying their ability to pass messages so subtly, even though I had similar capabilities as part of the collective, abilities that I would not wish to reacquire at the expense of assimilation.
The commander rose from his seat, and an ensign quickly relieved him as he placed an arm around the captain's shoulders and led her towards her ready room. Nobody appeared to think this odd, although the captain was showing more acquiescence than she ever had in my observation.
They were gone only a few minutes, but my Borg-enhanced hearing picked up some quiet sounds from within the adjacent room. Someone was crying; perhaps both of them. I suppose I could have been mistaken in this assessment, but when I looked over at Tuvok, he raised an eyebrow at me, acknowledging that he heard what I heard. I don't know how I knew, but his glance also implied that the noise was not to be questioned nor even mentioned.
When they returned, the captain was as composed as ever, but something small was amiss: her lipstick was smudged. I attempted to detect whether traces of it were present on Chakotay's face or clothing, and found no visible remnants. Still, it was possible he had rubbed it off.
I continued to observe them over the next few days, as we were briefed and eventually released into the chaos that is human civilian existence. I observed Chakotay's behavior with her, and with me. I noticed how his heart raced when it was near mine, and how it slowed next to hers. I noticed how she shook when he touched me, and stopped when he touched her. I noticed the tears in her eyes that she never would shed in front of me.
Gradually, the details, like pieces of an ancient jigsaw puzzle, fit together to form a compelling picture of love and devotion. It was exactly what I'd dreamed of, eventually, for us, but it was not between us that it was present; it was between them.
I knew it was cruel, but I'd tried a gentler option previously, to no avail. I asked the doctor out on a date. Eagerly, he accepted. Shortly thereafter, I informed the commander that I had fallen in love with someone else. I am not sure whether it was an accurate description, but it had the desired effect.
"Oh," he responded awkwardly, but the quaver in his voice that had accompanied much of his speech towards me over the past few weeks was suddenly gone. His heart rate decreased. Indeed; he was relieved. "I don't know what to say."
I thought for a moment, then smiled at him. "Just say that you will pursue a relationship with the other you have fallen in love with," I stated bluntly.
He gaped, obviously shocked by my forward assumption.
"Why?" he finally choked weakly. "Why do you think I am in love with someone else?"
"That is an irrelevant detail," I responded quickly, not wanting to prolong the conversation. Then I turned and left, and didn't look back. I hoped that the subtle language would not be lost on him, just as weeks ago, it was not lost on me.
I believe they are both happy now. I have observed new details, such as how they walk more energetically and smile more since I made my decision. There is no overt evidence that they are engaging in romance, but every so often I do notice that her lipstick is smudged, and once I thought I saw a bit of it on Chakotay's lip.
I, too, am happy. The doctor cares for me very much and we are quite compatible. I do not know whether we are meant to be together long-term, but for now I am comfortable with him in a way I never was with the commander.
There was a time when I might have believed happiness in love was an irrelevant detail of human existence. However, I have learned and grown and now I see that the details are the most important part of life, for without them, we are nothing more than drones.