Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any part of Dragon Ball Z, although like every other fan I wish I did.
Hello everyone! This is going to be my first story here so please be kind with your comments. I have always loved the bond shared between Goku and Gohan so decided to write a little story on it, although its not going to be sweet and happy until later. I have always felt that Gohan had to hide his feelings throughout his whole life so I thought it would be interesting to explore them a little. This first chapter is short but I thinks enough to catch your interest. Enjoy! (:
'blah blah blah' = Thoughts
"blah blah blah" = Normal dialogue
Gohan's POV
It has been a week since my father beat Majin Buu. Dad was brought back to life by the sacrifice of the Elder Kai and has now returned to normal living with mom, Goten, and me, well as close to "normal" as our family could get. It's been so great having my dad back at home; everyone, especially mom, hasn't been this happy in a long time. He being back is still kind of surreal for me. I mean I've lived seven long years without him that now having him back just feels like a dream come true. In fact, I've been dreaming of him coming back for so long that now I have to pinch myself just to remind myself that I'm not asleep and that this is actually real life.
'My dad, Goku, the greatest fighter in the universe, is actually alive.' Man, I don't think I'll ever get tired of that thought.
Now don't get me wrong, I am completely ecstatic about my dad's return, but this whole week I have been in this kind of funk that I just can't get out of. I had no idea what the reason of it was until a couple of days ago, and now that I know the reason, I am filled with complete shame for myself. In this whole week my father and I have hardly spent any time together; it's eating me alive and I hate myself for feeling this way. I am acting completely selfish, and it's not like any of us have had any time for bonding anyways! I have been submerged in schoolwork while my father has been trying to start a relationship with Goten. With these reasons I should be able to expel my negative feelings but no matter how hard I try I just can't. I am ashamed to say but I'm jealous of the time Goten has spent with dad. I know that it's so important for them to bond and I'm actually really happy for Goten but deep down I envy him for it. I've been so used to being the main focus of my father's world that now I can't seem to handle having to share him, especially now that he's alive.
'He used to be MY dad, but now he's OUR dad.' Ugh, just hearing myself think that makes me sick to my stomach. How I could be this selfish is beyond me.
'God, I am such a mess.'
Now knowing the shameful truth of my funk, I've managed to push my emotional turmoil aside for the most part. But still, my dreams are haunted by these wretched feelings that never seem to leave me alone. I've wanted to talk to my dad about it after awhile, but like I said before we have all just been incredibly busy. And talking to mom about it is out of the question. She would just freak out and make all of us have a "family sit-down", and trust me those things are the worst. I'd rather fight a deadly enemy than experience one of those sit downs again. So, when my father came into my room this morning and asked if I wanted to spend the evening with him, well let's just say I didn't turn down the offer.
'Finally, some time alone with my dad!'
The whole morning I was too excited to even focus on my schoolwork, although I did try my hardest. By mid-morning I had just given up on studying completely (I could just do it all tomorrow). I decided to just lie on my bed and imagine all the things my father and I could do this afternoon. We could spar, go fishing, go hiking, go play in the forest; anything was fine as long as I was with him. These happy thoughts didn't last though, as all the negative feelings I had pushed aside came flooding through my mind. The jealousy, the hurt, the guilt, they all just came rushing back. Emotions I hadn't even thought I had towards my father pushed themselves into my mind. Anger, confusion, abandonment; so much hurt, so much guilt, and so much heartache. I gasped for air as I clutched at my chest. These emotions were choking me, and no matter how much I tried I couldn't get the air back into my lungs. I hadn't even noticed that tears were flooding down my face, for I was too caught up in all the emotions and thoughts going through my head.
'Cell! It's my fault you died dad. It's my entire fault! Why did you put all the pressure to defeat him on me? I'm a failure.'
'We should have kept training! I was just slowing you down.'
'I needed you daddy, why didn't you come back?'
'Even with that immense power increase, you still had to clean up after my mess against Majin Buu! Why can't I do anything right?'
'You could never love someone as disappointing as me, father.'
'I'm so sorry, for everything.'
My eyes burned, my chest ached, and I couldn't stop shaking. I hadn't realized I had been keeping so much behind bars until now. And I hated myself even more for it. I curled up into a fetal position and plopped my head into my arms. The tears started to slow down and the rapid thoughts became normal but the damage was done.
'How can I face my father now, knowing that I don't even deserve to be in his wonderful presence? I can't face him now. Not after what just happened to me, maybe not ever.'
The last thought pierced my already broken heart, causing my head to shoot up and my eyes to widen more then I even thought possible.
'Never being able to see dad again.' That one thought hurt more than all the other negative thoughts I had put together. The tears started flowing once again. My eyes burned so badly now that I had to close them, which allowed my mind to really let the thought sink in.
'It's what I deserve. Never being able to satisfy the want and desire to be with my dad, it's the only punishment terrible enough to go with all that I've done wrong.'Never experiencing my father's embrace again, never hearing his joyous laugh, never seeing his million dollar smile, or never having his love again, it is the most fitting consequence I can think of.
My head hurt from all the painful thinking, so I leaned it against my headboard. 'I love you so much dad. I'm sorry for what I've done to you and the rest of the world. I'm so sorry.'
I sighed. I hurt everywhere, even my muscles were fatigued. Only one or two tears now fell from my closed eyes, but it was enough for me to know that I wasn't ready to move just yet. Suddenly, I felt a sense of calmness and warmth surround me. I felt, comfort. I opened my eyes and looked around. No one was in my room, yet I continuously felt comforting warmth around me. It's like it was surrounding me, inside and out. Slowly, my body made its way out of the cuddled up position I was in and just relaxed itself on my bed.
'This is so strange. One minute, I'm having an emotional breakdown and the next I'm completely relaxed. What's going on here?' The feeling slowly faded away, although the calmness it created didn't leave my body. 'Good, now I can think.' I forced myself to get up and walk over toward my window. I looked at all the beauty that the view held. I could have gotten lost in that view until I noticed how much the sky had dimmed.
"How could I have wasted so much time? Dad would be coming to get me in a couple of hours!"
A new sense of panic rushed over me as I knew I couldn't allow myself to face my dad today. The mass of emotions had just gone down and I did not want them coming back up any time soon.
'I could just tell him that I changed my mind. Oh, but then he'd be crushed! I couldn't do that to him.' The more I thought, the more I started to panic. I couldn't very well fly off somewhere. My dad would surely notice the spike in my ki and if he wouldn't, then Piccolo would. So, after much debate with myself, I did the only thing I could think of. I ran. I jumped out of my window and ran as fast as I could without raising my ki. I didn't know where I was going but anywhere was better than being at home.