First of all, this is NOT my first fanfic.
I've been writing for years, I just never get around to POSTING it online. I figured there's a first time for everything. It's not my best, but definitely not my worst. A notebook fic from Algebra class, you know?
Spoilers for the Handcuff arc through episode 25. Only yaoi if you squint, but definitely implied. Un-betaed, but I hate the idea of one of my fics having grammar and spelling errors so please let me know. Angst, Character Death, OOCness, and Unneeded Fluff.
Please review so I'll know whether or not to bother posting more of my (better) work.
The five stages of grief upon the news of diagnosis to a terminal patient are universally accepted to be Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.
L sat, reflecting on the irony that that pattern almost perfectly followed his relationship with Raito-kun…
Denial
L sat, crouched in his usual manner on his side of the bed he now shared with Raito. The screen of his laptop cast an eerie glow over the darkened room.
But he ignored the screen, all his attention focused on the sleeping figure beside him. The hollow white light of the monitor sharpened his features, while casting half his face in shadows.
The computer beeped, signaling Watari was trying to contact him, but L closed the laptop.
He wanted to ignore the Kira case just now.
Wanted to ignore the rising percentages, the piling evidence.
Gently placing the laptop on the floor next to the bed, he cautiously slid under the covers. Unused to the foreign disturbance, Raito rolled over in his sleep, his arms flopping around the other boy's waist. L froze, but finally relazed and slipped into the embrace.
For the first time in years, barring illness, L got a decent night's sleep.
Anger
L's foot connected with Raito's face, a split second before he himself was thrown flying backwards by a vicious uppercut. The two went sprawling in opposite directions until the chain between them abruptly stopped them, causing their heads to snap back. As Raito got back shakily to his feet, wiping his bleeding lip, and L regained his horrible posture, a glare passed between them that would have frozen any poor passerby caught in the middle, in this case Matsuda, who had given up trying to separate them long ago, and was now cowering under the file-strewn table.
The room was deadly quiet, pierced only by the sounds of their exertion and the mechanical beeps of the computers.
"Why must you continue with this ridiculous charade? Admit your guilt and take responsibility for all the death and chaos you have caused. I know you're dying to boast, confess!" L spoke in his usual calm and collected manner, but his eyes glinted with a malicious gleam that made Matsuda finally gather the courage, (or provided enough motive to inspire his cowardice) to bolt from the room, keeping low to the ground with both hands covering his head.
Raito's only response was to growl furiously and charge at L, who barely managed to dodge the furious attack, tripping Raito on their chain as he did so.
"Why do you insist on the fact of my guilt! Why aren't you willing to accept the fact that you're wrong for the first time in your life! Does the idea really scare you that badly!"
Now it was L's turn to growl and pounce, muffling the startled 'oomph' of surprise from Raito.
For the next few hours, no one dared to venture near the room where the two were locked. Matsuda's warnings aside, the screams and curses were enough to cause vivid imaginings of what must be going on behind that door.
Bargaining
As a scientist and detective, L prided himself on being a devout atheist and believer in science and cold hard facts. But as a scholar, he also prided himself on his knowledge of other religions. A factor of all religions that did not change was prayer: the belief that communication with God through meditation would grant one a better life.
It seemed not a day passed that he didn't find a new site for Kira, with testimonies of followers, claiming prayers to Kira for vengeance for the loss of a loved one had been answered. Some sites even claimed Kira had healed them from debilitation diseases, and one testimony claimed an image of Kira had appeared one day on his apple. This account interested L immediately, not because of the portrait, but because of the apple. It turned out to be nothing more than a coincidence.
If L had decided to believe in a God, it would not be Kira. Kira was real, he was sure of it. Kira made mistakes like any other human being. Besides, wasn't the point of a God that its existence relied on faith? L believed in nothing he could not prove. Therefore, he would never believe in the existence of a God until he had proof of its existence, and if he was to prove the existence of God, God would cease to exit. It was quite the interesting paradox.
L had never prayed in his life. He'd never seen the point of it, even in the orphanage as a child. But on that afternoon, reviewing the most popular kira sites , he stopped for a moment.
Glancing next to him at the youth absorbed in his own work, he looked up at the ceiling and though, to no one in particular…
'Let me be wrong.'
Depression
'Another day, another dead end,' L noted dully, as the team members began to arrive for the day. They were all in the best of spirits, and why shouldn't they be? Kira was caught! The case was over and they were all heroes!
Matsuda got off his cell phone and announced that the suspect was to go public today as the official Kira. He called for drinks all around and was chastened by Mogi and Chief Yagami for drinking on the job, at 8:00 in the morning, no less!
L seemed the only one to not join in the joyous mood.
Despite all the evidence pilled up against her, he was only 97 sure that she was Kira. He never liked to convict without being completely at ease…but by his own philosophy, he could not argue with the substantial proof convicting her.
He simply could not shake the feeling Kira had bested him…outwitted him somehow he was determined to figure out…
Glancing at Raito, he noticed he was not alone in his mood.
"Are you not happy, Raito-kun? Your name has been cleared."
Raito scowled, "I won't be satisfied until the cuffs come off."
L sighed. He knew he had few pretenses to keep the boy here much longer. He could no longer accuse him of being Kira….
Acceptance
L sat, as the alarms sounded around him.
He didn't move as he pondered, the computers crashing around him.
He stared with unseeing eyes as he realized the truth of what was happening, and embraced it.
As he fell off his chair to the ground, feeling his heart fight instinctively to keep beating and his lungs to draw one last gasp, he saw Raito standing over him, concern and something else in his eyes.
L blinked slowly, confused. Had he been wrong? But a second later, a grin of such malice and twisted victory crossed and settled on his face. L felt a different pain altogether wrap around his chest, but he closed his eyes.
'Yes,' he thought, 'That's right.'