Disclaimer: This is just for fun. No worries!
Summary: In a world where monsters and the like are as common as a cold, Punk is the one to call. Oh, hell, we're all screwed.
Um, okay. This is rather weird. And very much a crackfic. But I really loved writing this. More characters will be introduced later, and the chapters aren't going to be super long, so yeah. I'm…actually pretty excited about this! I would love to hear your opinions and everything on this. It's just for fun. Nothing serious at all. And the term "slayer" in the title is used rather loosely, just for general knowledge. Anyway, please enjoy!
CM Punk: Monster Slayer
001. In Which Vampires Do Not Sparkle
"Yo!"
CM Punk turned around in the direction of the voice. He ran a hand over his hair and looked at his partner in crime - or, justice, whatever - and said, "What is it now?"
Daniel Bryan - well, that was what he was calling himself these days, at least - was staring at the computer with a vague look of incomprehension on his face. He ran a hand over his scruffy beard and looked at Punk. "We have a problem."
Punk slumped his shoulders, groaned, and rolled his eyes as he moved over to where Daniel was sitting. He was leaning forward, his face in his hands as he stared and stared and stared at the device in front of him.
"I didn't think being vegan made you inept at computers." Punk moved to Daniel's side and placed a hand on the back of the rolling chair he was sitting in. "You were just watching those damn cat videos on YouTube yesterday."
Daniel turned to look at him then, gave him a grunt of disapproval at his comment, and then pointed at the screen. "Look."
Punk's eyes skimmed over the title on the web article on the screen. A town in Florida had a picture of unnaturally pale, skinny people lounging on the beach, grinning and showing fangs. The headline read, Vampires in the Sunlight! Neither Sparkling nor Reduced to Ash! What to Believe?
"Wordy little bastards, aren't they?" Punk said as he scratched his ear, looking completely uninterested.
Daniel looked at Punk in an incredulous manner, "What?"
Punk pointed to the article on the screen, "That's thirteen words. They could have just put Holy Shit and posted the picture. People aren't morons - well, at least most of them aren't."
"I believe we have a more pressing matter here," Daniel replied, "than whether or not the journalist likes to be descriptive in their writing."
Punk cleared his throat and read from the article, "'The drop-dead gorgeous looks of the stunning undead have invaded our meager and unworthy beaches along the coast of the sunny, bright Sunshine State in which the weather is always nice.' That's an actual sentence in this, D-Bry! Being a bookworm, you should be offended!"
Daniel looked at Punk before rising from his seat and shutting his laptop. He picked up the computer and tucked it underneath his arm, "Looks like we're headed to Florida. Let's go pack."
Packing required a lot. Seeing as this was a random vampire problem that they hadn't actually gotten called in to investigate, they packed light for once. Punk skipped out on the holy water and the garlic. Neither worked, the older a vampire got. Crosses even lost their effect after centuries and centuries of being exposed to them. The only sure-fire way to scare a vampire straight out of his fangs was to carry stakes. And lots of them.
Of course, Punk wasn't the kind of guy to go ahead and randomly stake the bloodsucking undead. He'd have to follow protocol and ask them questions and whatnot. And, usually, the vampires would go on long, long, long monologues about their Turning and how stupid humans were.
That was when Punk would bring out the stake. Or stakes. Whatever worked best.
Boarding a plan with said stakes was rather tricky, as Punk and Daniel had learned early in their partnership. After being padded down for "conspicuous devices" every single time they tried to get on a plane, they just decided to take their chances and drive everywhere.
"I'd rather waste money on gas than get fondled by the gigantic guy at the airport that smells like bad cabbage and calls me 'honey'," Punk had said.
So, after gathering their things - and after Daniel stuffed half of his personal library into his bag - they were off.
It was Punk's turn to drive, which he hated. He was slightly insulted that Daniel wasted precious sleeping time by reading…oh, what the hell was that? A book in Russian? Geez. Well, while on the way to the next case Punk would not have to drive, at least, and he would take that precious time to sleep. Or, rather, being the insomniac that he was, he would blare his rock music and annoy Daniel while he drove. Ah, what fun that was.
"How many languages do you know, anyway?"
"Lots."
"Want to play I Spy?"
"No."
Punk yawned and turned the radio on. Immediately, a too-friendly voice burst over the speakers, "Incoming news! Vampires on the beach in Florida. Yes, in daylight! I wonder, can the undead tan?"
Punk sighed and turned the radio off. Not two seconds after that action did his phone start to ring. "Can you get that?"
Daniel looked at him for a moment and then placed his fancy Russian book on his lap before taking Punk's phone out of the cup holder and lifting it to his ear, "Yo."
There was a moment of silence before Daniel mouthed, "The boss."
Punk rolled his eyes and passed an elderly driver that was going way too slow. It seemed the closer they got to Florida, the closer they got to people that obviously shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car - this was even more apparent as Punk saw that the woman he had passed was maneuvering her dentures into place. Ugh.
Daniel was saying something on the phone that Punk wasn't really listening to. He turned the volume of the radio up just as Daniel hung up.
"And what did he have to say now?" Punk took a left, "He does know that we act on our own, right? That people call in to us and that he doesn't need to get us work."
Daniel shrugged, "Just wanted to tell us about the vampires in Florida. I think he just likes to act like he's doing something."
Punk snorted a laugh at that and continued driving, "Dumbass."
Daniel mumbled something in what sounded like Egyptian.
Seriously, screw that Dos Equis guy - and not because he promoted beer - but because Daniel Bryan was the most interesting man in the world.
End 001.