Category: General
Rated: General Audiences
Warnings: Bruce/Loki
Summary:
They were both the monsters that mothers warned their children about at night. But every child had to outgrow their monsters one day. Bruce only wished that the monstrosity he saw in Loki wasn't reflected in every mirror. It may be an unique brand of narcissism to feel himself drawn closer to the young god.
Set during the Avengers from the moment Bruce lays eyes on Loki to the end when Loki leaves for Asgard with Thor.
Disclaimer: The Avengers, Marvel and all its characters are not mine
Note: Originally supposed to be one story, this is now 5000 words with no way of ending so I decided to break it into two bits. This is one of two instalments. The second bit is rather obscenely long, so I might break it into two and post a third chapter when it's finished. There seriously are not enough Banner/Loki fics out there.
Bruce recognized monsters. How could he not? He was one himself.
He recognized the monstrosity within Loki the moment their eyes met. The same underlying tones of madness and self-loathing that turned to hatred and festered until it turned him inside out and would eventually kill him.
It already killed Bruce but Bruce could not die.
Loki didn't look like a monster though, not the way Bruce did. Bruce noticed that Loki was, well, attractive. Not like Thor by any means, and not even in the traditional human sense, and no one in their right mind would say that Loki possessed a beautiful face (it was contorted, morphed) but Loki drew people to him like moths to fire, ultimately to meet the same fate, and Bruce couldn't help but begin to feel a morbid fondness for the villain. It set him on edge and repulsed him. Yet he saw something in Loki that others did not see and that challenged him, spurred his curiosity. There was vulnerability and fear underlying his raw confidence, like a child throwing a tantrum but getting punishment instead of understanding. No, Loki wasn't a monster, no more than Bruce was a monster, not truly. Bruce knew monsters enough to know that they didn't exist.
For that long moment he held Loki's eye, separated by circumstance, he finally understood. The man knew emotion and motivation. He played with it like a child with his toys, and Bruce had no doubt that the man was still a child. Weren't they all just children trying to grasp at the complexities of the world, dealing with their own inner demons? Loki's demons did not eat him, they controlled him. The madness drew Bruce inexplicably to Loki. He wanted to know and in some way he already understood.
They were the monsters mothers warn their children about at night.
But every child had to outgrow their monsters one day.
Bruce did, or he thought he did, but it never was quite as simple as that. After all the growing up he had done, it only took the mocking gaze of one Asgardian maniac to pull him back into that giant grave he had clawed himself out of so many years ago. The irony of it almost made him laugh.
He excused himself for a bathroom break and found himself wandering over towards Loki's cell, his cell. Were they not one and the same? Dangerous and uncontrollable, did they both not need that impenetrable prison to stop them from destruction?
Loki turns as Bruce enters the room and his lips are drawn into a thin, almost welcoming smile.
"Welcome, doctor, to my prison… and yours."
Every instinct told Bruce to run, to turn and leave while he still could, and never, ever attempt to engage the God of Mischief in conversation. There was something inherently uneasy about Loki's presence and secure as he is in the container; Bruce wondered that no one had thought to bind his most potent weapon: his words. Yet it is Loki's words that Bruce has come for so instead, he stops before the glass and stares dispassionately at Loki, "You were expecting me."
"Of course," Loki's voice was smooth. "I have been waiting."
"Why me?"
"Why have you come?"
"I don't know, I was curious, I –"
Loki interrupted him, "You see yourself in me, do you not doctor? A great man feared as a monster, a monster pretending to be a great man."
"I don't understand." Bruce didn't notice he had began to pace.
Loki remained as still as a snake preparing to strike. "Of course you do, doctor, Bruce. That is why you are here." When Bruce didn't reply, Loki continued, "It frightens you, doesn't it? Being here, with people who do not trust you, people you cannot trust, stuck here while others gaze on like a display at a zoo. They see you as a threat just as much as I. They want power over you, and they will do anything to get it. They are close, you know, so close."
"What do you mean?" Bruce didn't want to admit he knew exactly what Loki meant. He just didn't want to believe it.
"It frightens you to understand. Dare you believe me?"
"Yeah, I believe you alright." He tried not to let it show just how much he believed Loki, "Just tell me, what do you hope to accomplish here?"
"I've already said." Loki gave him a chastising look, as if asking were you not listening? "To bring peace to humanity under a new era."
Bruce chose to ignore the fact that Loki did not see it fit to categorize him under humanity, "No, no, that's not it. Why travel all this way to rule a race you regard as ants? You don't want a throne. You want recognition."
"What could I possibly want with recognition?" Loki spat the word out but Bruce was pleased to notice a moment's hesitation from the god. "And you, beast who pretends to be a man, what do you know of desire?"
"I want it." He said simply, "More than anything. I want to be accepted. I'm not afraid to admit that. Not to you. You know how I can recognize it in you? Because it is in myself. You want it too. This isn't some Cain and Abel story, no, it's much more than that."
"And it's never going to happen. Haven't you noticed? They fear you. They want to destroy you. They will never accept you so long as you live, and you will live, Bruce, long and loveless, tormented by your own ineptitude and their judgment."
"I've moved on. People do."
"But they haven't, have they? People who move on don't construct a prison for their valued guest. They bring you here under the pretext of wanting your expertise but you know as well as I that they have long since stopped thinking of you as a scientist, as a man."
The silver tongue stung, Bruce found himself realizing that the hard way. It wouldn't have if what Loki said wasn't so damn accurate. The stark truth of it hit him harder than if Loki had physically maimed him in some way and he supposed, bitterly, that it was the source of Loki's power. Still, he would not let it affect him. He hoped that it wouldn't.
"We are the same, you and I." Bruce's attention jerked back to Loki's words. "You see it, do you not? That's what they think. We are both monsters in their estimation. Nothing will redeem us. You may pretend to be the philanthropist, doctor, you may do as much good as it pleases your conscience but it will never be enough for them. It will never be enough for you."
"Do you want to be redeemed?" It was the first time Loki talked about redemption. His tone had an edge of melancholy to it that Bruce wondered if even Loki noticed.
"Irrelevant."
"Is it?"
"I am Loki of Asgard. What can I do with such a thing as redemption when I rule over humanity?"
"Then we are not the same."
"I never said we were, doctor."
But we cannot change what others see in us.
Bruce left before the unspoken words lingering in the air could be vocalized by the god of mischief.
When Bruce wakes up in the rubble, he wonders at the irony of it all. So he managed to help Loki escape without really meaning to and he found it odd that he didn't quite feel as remorseful about it as he should. It was a brilliant plan. He had to admit that. Simple words had succeeded where weaponry and brute force had failed. He had always known it would. What did he learn from that conversation and how much he gave away? Bruce wasn't manipulative and he only had the briefest inkling of when he was being manipulated. Yet, he found it odd that he seemed to have learned so much about this Asgardian from that simple conversation. He just wasn't sure whether he should be feeling such feelings of fondness for him.
He let himself be manipulated. The seed was already planted. He could do nothing but let it grow.
It wasn't just idle curiosity, even though one could argue that might well be enough. Half of modern technology was made up of idle curiosity. Bruce knew this, but there was something more, and then from time and time again, even when he didn't mean to, he went back to those words.
Nothing will redeem us.
They were not the same, not truly, but that's not what people saw. He became disillusioned with people even though he knew that's what Loki wanted him to be.