Yeah, another one of those plot bunnies that I obviously can't ignore. I seriously have such a weak resolve... *sighs*
This fic features a dark Charlotte, which will be quite an OOC since the real Charlotte can't be this hateful. Maybe.
Well, I still hope that you guys will enjoy it!
Disclaimer: If I actually owned IS, I wouldn't call this a fanfic, would I...? :p
It hurts.
It hurts so much when she smiled at them. When she acts all so friendly and nice them when she doesn't want to.
It felt wrong. Ever so wrong.
But she did it anyway, a coward that she is. She doesn't want to be hated, and so she acts. Becoming a invisible person over her fake personality. She knows that this only branded her as a pathetic person; but she didn't care anyway, she does it again and again, breaking her heart thousands of times in the process.
She is tired. Tired of it all.
The truth is, she hated them. Hated every single of them, even though she realizes that she's being irrational, because they never really do anything wrong to her. She is jealous of them, for being someone she always yearns for.
But then she smiled at them, laughs at them, calling them as friends and more things that she never really wanted to do. All because of she doesn't want to be hated, and she knows this is wrong.
But then she can't help to feel inferior when she is the only second generation personal machine pilot. Even though she always tried to reassure herself that skill is what really matters, deep down she is envious of Laura's amazing equipments, or maybe Cecilia's IS' capabilities. She loathed them, loathed every single one of them. And she isn't the one to blame.
She tried so hard, so hard to fulfill her father's high expectation, trying to be a good daughter for him. But then her efforts are never enough for the man. And she hates herself for it.
And then there is he, the ever so sickeningly nice Orimura Ichika. The very damned person who makes her even suffers more than before. She hates him more than the others, and she hates him even more every time he smiles at her, or talks to her.
She hates to receive his kindness, when she knows she can't ever repay them. She hates him for making her feels so very low. She hates him, she hates him, she hates him.
She hates him because he is so damn nice to her, because it would be so much easier if he isn't. Because his smile makes her heart hurts, and the sound of his laughs make her tastes acid at the back of her tongue. Because of things that is unexplainable even to her, like how her heart seems to be accelerating every time he's near.
She hates him for making her hates herself for hating him. And this pain in her heart grows so much more painful every single day that she spends with him. She hates the paradoxical feeling that she has for him, that she is madly in love with him while she also hates him with an equal fervor.
She refuses to say that this is love. That this bitter-sweet feeling that hurts her so many times is love. Because she thought that love is supposed to make her happy and free, and this feeling is obviously not.
She ignores it when her heart thumps so loudly when he smiles at her. And she ignores the pain that comes afterwards.
She ignores it when she feels happy every time he compliments her. She tries to convince herself that it is just an illusion of her heart. Because she can't stand the pain of lying to him as well, how absurd that it is. She wants him to know the bitter side of her. The girl who is jealous of everyone, the girl who isn't cheerful, the girl who is selfish. And yet she knows that he will hate her if he knows the truth, and so she keeps it by herself.
It hurts. Thinking of him makes her heart shatters once more. It is so painful that she is sure she can never accustom to the excruciating pain. And so she chooses to hate him, to contradict with her feelings, and erase the fact that she loves him from her damaged heart.
Because if love is this painful, then she doesn't need it at all.
Yeah, I know this is depressing.. *sighs again*
Anyways, thanks for reading it this far! Don't forget to drop some reviews~ *winks* :D