Disclaimer- We do not own or claim to own Final Fantasy 9. Unfortunately…L .

Dr. Tot-Zidane! Get in here real quick!

(Zidane comes in running, when he finally approaches Dr. Tot he is out of breath)

Zidane- What do you want?

Dr. Tot- I have to go to the store and get some extra parts for my age-defying machine. I want you to watch over it until I get back. Whatever you do just don't push the red button…

Zidane- Alright Tootsie…I'll watch over your machine but what do I get?

Dr. Tot- The name is Tot and I will give you a night alone with the princess…

Zidane- I can get that myself! How bout some money??…

Dr. Tot- I will give 50 gil if you watch over my machine then…

Zidane- How about100 gil?

Dr. Tot- Don't push it…all or nothing what do you say?

Zidane-Alright…when do you expect to be back?

Dr. Tot- I should be back within an hours time….

Zidane- Alrighty then! I'll do it!

(An hour passes and Dr. Tot isn't back yet…Zidane starts to get bored, He has Thorn and Zorn bring him some beer and he starts drinking)

Zidane- Red button….I like red….I like buttons too…What harm can a button do? Wait a minute…its moving…. AHHHHHHH. Hi! My name is Joe! I work in a button factory…I have a wife a dog and a family one day the boss comes up to me and says "hey Joe…ya busy? I said no. He said push the button with your right hand. Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum….(He pushes the big red button and in an instant is swallowed by a blinding flash of light.) Oh shit!

Dagger-Zidane! Zidane where are you?

Zidane- I'm right here!

(Dagger looks over and sees a child with flowing blonde hair and a tail wearing Zidane's clothes only they were WAY to big.)

Dagger- Zidane is that you? What happened?

Zidane- Wow you are really pretty…who are you? My name is Zidane and I am 6 years old.

Dagger-….

Zidane- What's wrong? (man she is really pretty…if I play my cards straight maybe she'll be my girlfriend…He walks around and looks at her butt)

Dagger- You nasty little pervert! What are you doing?!?

Zidane- I was just seeing if you had a tail too…(starts crying)

Dagger-Zidane…you're puny! What the hell happened?

Zidane- You cussed! Cussing is bad! I tell my brother Kuja to stop all the time.

(The stairs creak…Zidane starts screaming…)

Zidane- AHHHHHhelp help! It's probably Kuja. I don't wanna play tea-party anymore! Then he makes me play dress up with all those ugly dresses and thongs! (Jumps into Daggers arms like a baby.)

(Steiner comes waddling down the stairs)

Steiner- ( Sees Dagger with baby Zidane in her arms) Princess! Just how many nights have you spent with Zidane?!?

Zidane- Hey wait a minute! I am Zidane! You're confusing me! (he says as he crawls up an a ball and starts crying, Dagger starts comforting him)

Steiner-….AHHHHHHHHH! (He runs up the stairs and runs into Beatrix.)

Beatrix- Hey ba…

Steiner- AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Beatrtix- Well I feel loved! What is going on down there? (She walks down the steps to find baby Zidane holding tightly on to Dagger's evening gown.) What the hell?

Zidane- Why is everyone cussing (he says with his hands over his ears. Wow this chick is hott too! He walks around to see of she had a tail too) Man why don't you guys have tails? Everyone in Bran Bal has one.

Beatrix and Dagger-……

Dagger- Beatrix, don't you think we should give him some clothes that actually fit?

Beatrix- Ya I will call Ruby up to get some clothes.

(Beatrix calls Ruby on Mognet. Not long afterwards Ruby comes skipping down the stairs.)

Ruby- Howdy y'all. Here y'all are….OH MY GOD WHATIN THE NAME OF MERCILOUS HEAVEN IS THAT? (Approaches Zidane) Oh my word he is so darlin' (starts hugging Zidane until he starts turning purple)

Zidane- Must have air…must breathe…:::cough, cough, stutter, stutter:::: (grabs her arm with his tail and squeezes it really hard.) Man I knew this thing would come in handy someday!

Ruby- Ouch! You hurt my arm! (drops Zidane on the hard stone floor)

Zidane-Ouch! Jeez! What was that for?!?

Ruby-You squeezed the living daylights outta my arm! Hey wait a minute…you remind of someone! I mean seriously…how many people do I know with a tail! Zidane ya' ol' coot! Why ya dressed up like a baby for?

Dagger- You really think Zidane is capable of shrinking himself Ruby?

Ruby- Well knowin Zidane…I'd say that he is quite full of surprises…Now before I go back to Tantalus I want another hug!

Zidane- NOOOOOOOOOOO! Keep away you evil hick! (starts running for his life with Ruby tailing him…literally) Is this how you are supposed to treat a 6year old?

(all of a sudden a light bulb clicks on right above Ruby's head)

Ruby- Did you get involved with that witch women I told you not to mess with? I told you that she was dangerous but no….

Zidane- Hey hick! I don't know what you are talkingabout so will you just please leave me alone?

(Ruby looks confused and decides that she will go back to Tantalus and take a nap. Dagger starts to try to put on the clothes that Ruby brought for Zidane. The stairs start to creak again. Half dressed…Zidane starts jumping around screaming.

Zidane- IT'S KUJA IT'S KUJA! SAVE ME HIDE ME ANYTHING PLEASE! IF I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH ONE MORE CROSS DRESSING SESSION AND WALK AROUND WITH PIG TAILS ON MY HEAD AGAIN IWILL GO INSANE!

(Eiko comes down the stairs skipping around)

Eiko- Dagger…who is that?

Dagger- This is Zidane…

Eiko- Oh my god! Zidane ya shrunk!

Dagger- AM I THEONLY ONE THAT KNOWS THAT ZIDANE ISN'T SMART ENOUGH TO LEARN TO SHRINK HIMSELF!

Zidane- Hey are you calling me dumb?!? You wanna take this outside and answer to my plastic sword? Mua-hahahaha!

Eiko- (Wow! Now I don't have to worry about age difference!) Wow…gee Zidane…you sure are handsome!

Zidane- Don't I know it…Get in line babe.

Eiko- (wow…he called me a babe! I am in love!)

(The stairs creak…AGAIN! Zidane starts jumping around like a mad man with Eiko watching his every move.)

Zidane- SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT AWFUL CREAK! PLEASE HIDE IF IT'S KUJA!

Eiko- (Kuja is pretty hott too. If only he would cut his hair…)

(Quina comes waddling down the stairs singing…)

Quina- Me want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back ribs! FROM CHILES! Ahhh! A baby, the other white meat!

(Eiko watches as Zidane's eyes grow as big around as saucers. He runs he slides and makes it right under Quina's short excuses for legs. He runs up and out the castle doors, with Quina following him and Eiko following Quina because she doesn't want to lose Zidane now that he is her age. Everyone is following Eiko. Zidane heads for Ruby's mini theatre…he turns the corner when suddenly Quina jumps on him and they roll down the stairs together. Finally they hit the bottom. Eiko gets to the bottom and sees Quina but no sign of Zidane.)

Eiko- (groans)Uh-oh (slaps her forehead)

Dagger- (out of breath) What's wrong now?

Eiko- I think Quina learned how to make pancakes!

Beatrix- Oh my God! Is he alright?!?

Zidane- I'm fine…(he says with those swirlies in his eyes)

Beatrix- NO! I was talking to Quina!

Eiko- (Approaches Zidane and hugs him although not quite as tight as Ruby) Oh are you alright baby?

Zidane- Get off of me girl! I will be just fine.

(Not to far away from all the commotion Blank and Marcus are staring confused at the whole conversation. Ruby is standing on the stage with her hands on her hips. Her eyes widen and she puts her hand to her mouth.)

Ruby- Oh darlin'! It's you again! You sweetie-pie you cam to see me!

(Jumps off the stage and runs to go hug him)

Zidane-AHHHHHHH! Not again!

Marcus- Ruby, spare him!

Blank- Hey! Ruby! I thought you were my girl.

Zidane- (after he struggles out of her tight squeeze) I know…I'm just so irresistible.

(Baku approaches Zidane and Ruby cautiously)

Baku- Did I have too many drinks or Zidane did you shrink yourself?!?

Dagger- (screams in frustration) HE DID NOT SHRINK HIMSELF!

Zidane- (crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows) There she goes again. What are you saying sweetheart…that I am completely stupid?

Baku- Okay break it up you two. I'm going to the bar for a drink.

Dagger, Beatrix,Quina- Me too!

Eiko- Hey what about us?

Dagger- You can come too…I guess.

(The party heads on there way to the bar.)

Meanwhile at the bar….

(Steiner is sitting in the corner with a margarita that he hasn't touched yet)

Steiner- Little people….little people…they're plotting against me! (he is hugging his legs to his chest and rocking himself back and forth.)

(Kuja is at the bar too…he is on stage completely drunk singing…)

Kuja- Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy--forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts--short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild--yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action--feel the attraction
Color my hair--do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free--yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

(Freya is relieving her stress from her and Fratley's recent marriage. They have only been married maybe a year and they have 5 kids.)

Freya- Dragons, beasts, monsters, Kuja…( shudders as she looks over her shoulder at Kuja's awful Shania Twain imitation) …anything but those little brats!

(Just then Dagger, Beatrix, Zidane, Eiko, Baku, Quina, Marcus, Blank, and Ruby all burst through the doors…Ruby's arm is around Blank's and she is telling him about how she made Zidane's clothes. Quina is still keeping her eye in Zidane)

Then all of a sudden…

Kuja- Man…I feel….Oh my god…Bartender another Bloody Mary! He came back to haunt me!

(Zidane is screaming running every where saying…)

Zidane-AHHHHH! IT'S KUJA! HIDE ME HIDE ME! Wait a minute…Kuja…your big! How did you do that?!? Show me show me!

Kuja-….Uhhhhhh…how old are you?

Zidane- I'm your brother! You should know how old I am!

Kuja- Oh…that's right…your…7!

Zidane- No! Guess again!

Kuja- 3?

Zidane- No, you silly goose, guess again!

(The insanity goes on until about 10 minutes later when Kuja finally says 6)

Steiner- LITTLE PEOPLE! HIDE ME! AHHHHHHH!

(Knocks into Beatrix again…)

Steiner-AHHHHHHHH!

Beatrix- What is it? Does my breath stink?!?

(Freya looks confused…she approaches Zidane and pokes and prods at him…certain that he isn't real)

Freya- Wow Dagger, this little guy looks real.

(Zidane reaches out and pulls Freya's tail)

Zidane- Wow! You have a tail!

Freya- OUCH! YOU LITTLE! Your real? (pulls out her spear and charges at him. He ducks and she ends up flying out the door.)

Meanwhile….

Dr. Tot- Where is Zidane and why is my age-defying machine turned on? (realizes what has happened) Oh no! Thorn! Zorn! Get down here!

Thorn- You called?

Zorn- Called you?

Dr. Tot- Where is Zidane? What happened?

Thorn- We brought him a drink about 3 hours ago.

Zorn- 3 hours ago a drink we brought him.

Dr. Tot- Oh no! The bar! That's probably where he is!

(Dr. Tot fetches his belongings and heads to the bar.)

Meanwhile back at the bar…

Kuja- (Still singing) I'm…to sexy for my airship….to sexy for my shirt…to sexy for skirt…I'm to sexy for my thong…and definitely to sexy for you!

Steiner-AHHHHHHH! (still running around the bar like a mad person)

(Baku, Dagger and Beatrix are all drunk.. Quina is so drunk it passed out. They all decide it would be for the better to leave Quina…for Zidane's sake. They head back to the Alexandria castle. Where they see Vivi standing in the kitchen talking to a very crazy Steiner.)

Steiner- Oh Master Vivi…what shall I do? The kid is everywhere I go! Can you use your black magic to help me out?

Vivi- Against a 6 year old?

Steiner- Yes but a very evil one!

Vivi-…..?

Steiner-AHHHHHHHHHH!

Vivi- …..?

Steiner- THERE HE IS AGAIN! AHHHHHHH!

(Vivi looks over his shoulder and sees the group of drunkards and the kids)

Vivi- What did you guys possibly do to him? I've never seen him so psyched befo…Oh my god who is that? He looks like a mini me of Zidane!

Zidane- Why is everyone acting so strange around me! It's not like I shrunk! And who is this other Zidane everyone is talking about?

Everyone-Uhhhhh…..

Meanwhile….

(Doctor Tot is calling Amarant up on the telephone)

Dr. Tot- Since you are a bounty hunter will you do me a BIG favor?

Amarant- What do you want?

Dr. Tot- Well, see….Zidane and the others are missing and my latest invention was turned on and I have a feeling that this isn't the best combination…

Amarant- How much?

Dr. Tot- 100 gil?

Amarant- Nope a little higher…

Dr. Tot- 200 gil…?

Amarant- Just a little higher…

Dr. Tot- 250 gil and that's my last offer!

Amarant- Fine I accept your offer of 250 gil. Where should I start searching?

Dr. Tot- I have no idea! Just….where do you think they would be?

Amarant- Well Zidane would be at the bar, Dagger would be at the mall, Eiko would be with Cid, Quina would be at a restaurant somewhere and Steiner and Beatrix would probably be together.

Dr. Tot-Whatever, just please start looking as soon as you can….

Amarant- Alrighty then, bye!

(As soon as Amarant gets off the phone he goes to get Lani and they start searching through the streets of Alexandria)

Meanwhile the others are back at the Alexandrian Castle trying to think of a way to help Zidane…

Vivi- Wait a minute I'm confused. Shouldn't we just go get Dr. Tot and see if there is a remedy?

Dagger- (hits her hand against her forehead) Wow…why didn't I think of that?? Where would he be? I mean…we obviously can't ask Zidane…

(Everyone looks over at Zidane to see him chasing his tail…Ooooohhhhh how cute!)

Everyone-Ahhhhhhhh… J

What's going on with our beloved bounty hunters???….


Amarant- We have checked the bar…and no one is in there except Kuja…(shudders)

*Flashback*

Amarant- C'mon Lani…maybe Zidane's in here! (Approaches the bar and walks in)

Lani- Okay, okay….I'm coming!

Kuja- (Still drunk) Girls just wanna have fun! O when the working day is done o girls, they wanna have f-u-n! O-o girls just wanna have fun!

(Amarant goes to the bartender)

Amarant- Have you seen a man with a tail and long blonde hair?

Bartender- Nope…I have seen a small bo….

Amarant-Nope! Not who we are looking for! Thanks for your time!

(After they get out…)

Lani- Didn't Tot say something about a machine….? What did the machine do? Do you think if affected Zidane's appearance?

Amarant- No…I didn't ask…besides….do you think that Zidane would be stupid enough to mess with something after he is told no to?

Lani- (Has her hands on her hips with an expression that clearly meant "what do you think?".)

Amarant- Don't answer that…

*Back to reality*

Amarant- Where do we go next?

Lani- How 'bout Ruby's Mini Theatre?

Amarant- Let's go!

Meanwhile back at the castle…

Eiko- Can't we just keep him the way he is? I like him better this way!

Dagger- No way! I He's my boyfriend! I don't want to date a six year old! I'm eighteen for crying out loud!

Zidane- You aren't my girlfriend! I hardly even know you! But I wouldn't mind if you did become my girlfriend…(blushes).

Dagger-AAAAAAHHHHHHH! CHANGE HIM BACK NOW!

Eiko- I will be your girlfriend Zidane…(blushes and shuffles her feet).

Zidane- No…I'm still waiting for her answer…whataya say babe?

Dagger- I say we need to find Dr. Tot! Let's go people! By order of the princess!

Baku- I can't go with you all…I have to go back to Tantalus. Hope you get better Zidane!

Zidane- I feel fine! That's it! I wanna go back to Terra! I miss Garland and Mikoto! I even miss Kuja! (Starts to cry as he crawls up into a ball)

(Everyone feels pity for him and comforts him. He soon stops crying)

Meanwhile…

Amarant-Well…here we are…Ruby's Mini Theatre…Let's get in and out…if I have to talk to that hick too long I will go crazy!

(Walks in to find it empty...there is a sign on the door that reads..)

Ya'll,
We all had to go help out our dear friend Zidane today…we should be back at about5:00. Thanks a lot! And ya'll come back now!

Buh~bye!
Ruby and the gang…

Lani- What time do you have?

Amarant- 4:45..Ithink we should stay and wait to see if they get back.

Lani- Sounds good to me! Let's do!

*5 minutes later*

Amarant- Man, I am way t cool for this…

*10 minutes later*

Amarant- I am way, way to cool for this!

*5:00*

Amarant- Man where are they? It is 5:00. I am way to cool for this Lani!

Lani- You already said that…like 3 times!

*It's about 5:30*

Amarant- That's it were going! C'mon Lani! We can go to the castle and search there.

Lani- What about the mini theatre? Aren't we supposed to stay and wait for the hick chick?

Amarant- Don't worry about them they might be at the castle. C'mon! Let's get a move on.

Lani- Okay let's go!

Back at the Castle…

Beatrix- DR.TOT! WHERE ARE YOU?

Dagger- YEAH DR.TOT! IT'S ME! DAGGER!

Eiko- No guys! I want him to stay the way he is!

(everyone has gotten to the point where they are ignoring Eiko because of her constant complaining. They have to change Zidane back to normal!)

Steiner- TOT WHERE ARE YOU?

Where could Dr. Tot possibly be?

Dr. Tot- Just a few more turns and….AH- HA! My reverse age-defying machine is finished! Mua-ha-ha-ha! With this we can cure Zidane! Yes, now where are they? I know I will go check up with Amarant and Lani!

(Dr. Tot picks up the phone and calls Amarant up on his cellphone)

Amarant- Whattaya want?

Dr. Tot- Did you find them yet?

Amarant- No! Do you want us to find him or not?

Dr. Tot- Yes bu…

Amarant- So then leave us alone until we find them! Where can we meet you after we have found them?

Dr. Tot- My laboratory.

Amarant- Allright…we will deliver him to you as soon as we can. Now just leave us alone until we are done!

Dr. Tot- Okay…I'll see you when I see you. Bye!

Amarant- Bye…

(Dr. Tot hangs up the phone and gets back to work)

Dr. Tot- Man what a faggot! He really makes me mad with his, "I am way to cool" attitude…UGH!

Back to the Bounty Hunters!


Amarant- Man the Dr. Tot really pisses me off with his "I am smarter then you" attitude. Let's go Lani we got to get a move on.

(They head towards the castle…it is about a 10 minute walk from the mini theatre.)

Meanwhile back at the castle…

Vivi- We have looked everywhere! Where on Gaia could they be? I say we go to the bar. He might be there considering the fact that it sounds like Zidane wrecked his machine…

Zidane- I didn't do anything! Honest! I have been with you guys the whole time. I miss Garland! I miss Mikoto! I want to go back! Especially since everyone is accusing me of something I didn't do!

Eiko- Wow, what big words for such a small but yet handsome boy…

(They are walking out of the castle and run right into Lani and Amarant..)

Amarant- What the…How did…Who did…what the hell happened? Zidane did you shrink yourself?!?

Dagger- Shut the hell up you fucking bastard! Zidane isn't smart enough to learn how to shrink his damn self!!!
Amarant- (Is it that time of the month already!?!)

Zidane- Stop saying that lady! Not only is swearing bad but you are insulting me! Watch it or I will cut your pretty little tush right off! (he says as he pulls out his plastic sword and pokes her in the butt with it)

Dagger- I summon….AAAAAHHHHHH!

(Eiko enraged that Dagger would even try to summon anything on her beloved Zidane tackles Dagger to the ground)

Eiko- I summon Madeen!

Zidane- Ooooo catfight! Mikoto and Kuja have these all the time!

(Eiko and Dagger are seen fighting each other until they come to a truce…They have no choice because Eiko's head is stuck in Dagger's tiger racket…)

Eiko- All right fine…we can take him to Dr. Tot.

Lani- Why the change of heart?

Eiko- I wanna get my head outta this racket!

Amarant- Allright follow me…I can't believe this I am way to cool for these people!

Zidane- Shut up!

(The party is delivered to Dr. Tot)

Dr. Tot- Where have you guys been? Zidane…why did you mess with my age-defying machine?

Zidane- What are you nut-cases talking about! Garland said I was his perfect angel….of death.

Everyone-……

Dr. Tot- Just stand right here on the red X…

Zidane- Why??? Are you all of a sudden plotting against me? (Zidane's eye brows are raised and his arms are crossed.)

Dr. Tot- Just do as I say, I am trying to get you back to normal.

Zidane- I AM NORMAL! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I AM AFREAKING MUTANT!

Dr. Tot- Okay fine then we are going to show you a magic trick but first I need a volunteer…

Vivi Eiko and Steiner-ME ME! PICK ME!

Dagger- Shut up! We are trying to trick Zidane!

Vivi Eiko and Steiner-(disappointedly) oh…

Zidane- Hey this sounds like fun! I wanna go!

Dr. Tot- How about that nice young boy in the front with the tail?

Zidane- Yay! (Skips joyfully up to Tot)

Steiner- (mumbling) why does Zidane get to have all the fun?

Dr. Tot- Stand right here…yes that's right. (Dr. Tot places Zidane right on the red X)

(Dr. Tot presses the big red button…you know the one that Zidane wasn't supposed to touch in the first place and once again Zidane was swallowed by a blinding flash of light. He is all back to normal that is except for his clothes…)

Zidane- Crap! Where is my beer? And why are my clothes so ti…Oh my God! Eiko what did you do with my clothes?

Eiko- WHY DID YOUHAVE TO CHANGE HIM BACK? I LIKED HIMTHE WAY HE WAS!

Zidane- And why is Dagger's tiger racket on your head?

Eiko- (realizing that it was…started blushing)

Dagger- Oh Zidane your back to normal! I can't believe it! And you wont believe what happened either…

Zidane- What? Did goody Vivi run off with my beer?

Vivi- (Innocence whistle) Huh…no…wait a minute…me with Zidane's beer? Never!

Zidane- Why you good for nothing thief!

(Zidane chases Vivi through out the entire castle)
~**~

Zidane- Why did you make me a drunk…I mean I don't drink that much…

Terran Monkey and Zidane Chick- Shut up…

Dagger- And I hated that line where I had to cuss out Amarant...is so totally not me! (swings hair over her shoulder)

Terran Monkey and Zidane Chick- Shut Up!

Amarant- And I am not always saying I am way to cool…am I now?

Everyone- (Looks at him with an expression that clearly states "dream on")

Amarant-Whatever…I am way to cool for this! (stomps off)

Steiner- I am not a complete airhead! Jeez! And why were half of my lines "Little people…little people…"

Terran Monkey and Zidane Chick- It suits you…

Vivi- I liked my part!

Terran Monkey and Zidane Chick- Thank you! (we hug him)

Everyone else-Shut up Vivi! Your always happy!

Eiko- I am not that crazy about Zidane…

Zidane- (looks at her and she blushes. )

Terran Monkey and Zidane Chick- Whatever

Kuja- I like those songs! (puts his arm over Zidane's shoulder and starts singing) I'm Supergirl and I'm here to save the world, and I wanna know who's gonna save me!

Zidane- What?!? You didn't come here to save the world! You came here to destroy it! And I saved you, you dork don't you remember?

Terran Monkey-Okay I am gonna take Zidane and you can have Kuja…after about…oh 3 hours…we'll switch.

Zidane Chick- You got yourself a deal!

(Terran Monkey has Zidane by the arm and is dragging him down the hall babbling nonstop about how she is a monkey too.)