Cutting Myself Willingly

A tragedy strikes the Reikai Tantei, as the others try their best to pick up the pieces, Kurama has another way to deal with the pain...

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Author's Notes: Neh minna-san... back again *grins and waves* Let's see... first of all, thanks for reviewing and reading my other story... about the sequel... uhmm it's still in the works *smiles embarrassingly*... hmm anyway this is a new fic in a completely different plot line... I hope you guys like it. So please read and review ^_^

Standard Disclaimer : I have no money... I have no stocks... I have no bonds... I am broke, no use in suing me... like I even get money from this... big laugh

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You're dead.

Simple as that...
I smile at myself softly...
I never knew that I could say it so easily...
so unemotionally...
so coldly...

But am I just hiding from myself?
Trying vainly to keep up the perfect facade that I have been living with...
Too hard... so hard...

I was not even able to say goodbye

You died simply enough...
In one of your routine missions...
patrolling... searching... working for your dear Mukuro...
I grimace... you know that I never really like her anyway...

I wonder what you were thinking when you knew it was the end...
did you think about Yukina... about the others...
about me?

Or maybe you didn't even have time to think...
I heard that you died instantly...
people saying that there was no pain at all...
But I know that there is pain... if not of body...
then the pain of failing... failing to live
Remember... I did go through this once already...
So I know...
I know too well...

The news hit us hard enough...
Yukina can't stop crying...
her precious tear gems making soft sounds as they clattered to the floor...
their usual value as jewels forgotten...
Rolling to the ground...

I wonder now if she knows...
Did she know that it was her brother that died?
Her twin?

They say that twins have a mental bond... something that always linked them together...
I wonder how it feels like to have that bond cut of so suddenly
so painfully...
You never did say goodbye to her
to them
to me...

The others... Keiko... Botan, they all shed tears for you...
hell even Shizuru had a tear or two in her eyes...
Another... smile... a sad one
You never really liked human emotions...
weak... you call them...
I never did beg to differ...
I know that you'll just grunt and turn away...

Yuusuke blames himself... but what is there to blame?
You were working... and you always liked the kill...
ironic that you yourself got killed...

Did I think you'll live forever?
No... I never thought that you were invincible...
just near it
but of course I was wrong...
funny... Minamino Shuuichi... number one student... Mr. Perfect...
wrong?
Of course...

You were already an S-class youkai... something that you were so proud of...
better than Yuusuke... better than Kuwabara...
better than me?

Kuwabara... the "bumbling oaf" as you say it?
A smile... larger this time...
He never really believed that you died...
He is always saying that you will come back...
trying desperately...
I am actually envious of him... at least he still has this sliver of hope...

Too bad I know that you really died...
never to come back...
never...

Me?
You'll just laugh at me when you'll see me
I still look the same... probably
Never really slept well since the day...
There were always the nightmares... the shadows...
And of course... the...
I stop....

So were there changes?
Maybe paler... maybe sadder...
maybe a shadow of my former self?
I did become different haven't I?

Don't worry it's not your fault...
never will be actually..
it's of course my fault...
I put this to myself...
made myself suffer....

I am just happy that you'll never really see the real me
The me right now... trying vainly to talk to you...
trying to get the least bit of comfort from the mental pain
the sadness... the loneliness that cuts me like a knife
cold... heartless...

Yes... human emotions are weak...

There is a leaf in my fingers right now... bamboo
Long... thin... just a sliver
I know that it would look familiar to you...
considering it was the one the killed you...

A bitter smile

Just like Kuronue...
Just like my other best friend...
I am now wondering if I am cursed...
All my friends killed
killed by plants... plants that I was supposed to master...
My own element...
I should be the one blaming myself... probably...
not Yuusuke...

A few blasts of ki...
the leaf then hardens... grows slowly
sharpening... one edge...
Don't you know that bamboo can be sharper than metal?
Maybe that is why it is used so often...
for killing...
Kuronue... you...
A dagger....

The room is dark... My room
The air here is suffocating...
It just hangs there... like a heavy veil...
Maybe when you see it...
if you see it...
You will not even remember it...
recognize it...

A cut...
right in my right arm...
not deep enough to draw too much blood...
but there was of course...
rich... sticky... metallic... red...
flowing slowly down my arm...
to my hands... fingers...
dripping to the wooden floor..

I bet you'll be screaming at me now...

Another cut...
then another...
But they were never deep enough to actually kill...
never deep enough...

Am I scared... scared to die?
A coward?

Another tear falls...
dripping down... slowly mixing with the blood
a pool forming at the floor...

Of course there was the pain...
It's actually the part of this whole exercise that I look forward for...
the physical pain...
it just makes me forget about the mental pain that your death caused...

The first few rays of sunlight...
another night wasted...
by breakfast the wounds will heal...
That's the plus about being a youko... never any scars..
any testament to the things I've been putting myself through...

Then as the day goes on...
the facade still on...

Night falls... and the shadows come out...
the mental pain will always be there...
I just want to shut it out...
just want to forget about it...
just want to...

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Author's Notes : Yeah... finished with another vignette... so please review? *pleads with big puppy dog eyes*... and thankies for reading too... Hmm... I am now thinking of writing this.. in Hiei's Point of view... as a wondering soul of course...