I have no name for this. Nothing came to mind. But I didn't stop to think for that now. My back had arched completely in agony, my mouth open in a silent scream. Over and over, my body spasmed for air like a fish dropped on land by a child, flopping over and over again for precious water. I had seen that once at the docks. Some of the fishers dragged in a pile of newly caught fish, their scales gleaming with the water still dripping from the skin. One tiny fish had slipped out of the wide-holed net and landed on the wooden pier. I had stayed still, watching it grow weaker and weaker from the lack of air and suddenly grow limp. I tilted my head to the side.
Silly fish. I thought, for I was only seven at the time. You're suppose to stay in the water. Noticing I was thinking my words with precise language, I beamed, proud of my work, and skipped back to my dwelling and family unit. Now, now, only a mere six years later, I was sprawled across my bed, gasping and chocking desperately for air. My lungs burned and out of panic, I searched my mind for why this was happening. I had only just fell asleep after a tiring day of working as a storyteller along side Lily, my Trainer, who looked only a year or two older than me, but her creativity made up for her experience. I had gotten back to my dwelling where Mother and Father sat at the dinner table, bearing shiny smiles at me. I sat across from them, exchanging it back.
"May I ask why both of you are grinning like that? I apologize if I am intruding on privacy." I bowed my head both, a sudden spark of interest in my shoes. After I had been assigned my Storytelling job with the Fives, it had been always... hard to speak to my parents like some other citizen. My Mother folded her hands across the table and straightened her lips.
"We accept your apology, Karsyn." They both said in unison, but paying no notice of it. The it was Father's turn to make himself noticeable. He gave a quiet yawn, for it was a bit late, and winked at me.
"We're getting a bouncing, baby male, Karsyn-parson." Father purred, and I weakly lifted the sides of my mouth at the news. I didn't like it when my parents used such a childish name when I was 13, after all. And it wasn't like I was going to see this new child anyway. By the time of the December Ceremonies, I would watch my parents walk up the stage and receive the newchild, I would be walking up there soon after to be congratulated for completing my training and receive a dwelling of my own. I fiddled my thumbs under the table, warmed at the thought of such honor. I drew myself back to the present, studying Mother and Father. They both watched my intently, their heads tilted as if waiting for a response.
"That's great. I wished we had more males in the last few years so I could get the chance to have a brother." I replied to the news. And that was true. For some reason, the community has been getting female, after female, after female with only a few male babies each year. The Elders grew angry on the Birthmothers, blaming them to the accident. So did everyone else. Doctors decided to take things into their own hands, instead of fate, and soon the genders evened out. But not before many family units, like us, have had several years gaps between the Sister and Brother. Father rubbed the bridge of his nose out of habit, but stopped himself. Habits were not allowed, though it was a small rule and easy to break. Everyone did it once in awhile.
"Second, your Mother and I want you to know how proud we are of you. A dwelling! A new life of your own. Soon you'll have a spouse, then children. And before you know it, The House of the Old!" Father chuckled and Mother did too, putting a hand on his elbow. Sure, I laughed with them and even murmured something among the lines of, "Don't get too far ahead of yourself." and somehow, though I've never felt this way about my moving out. I felt dread. Fear. That's' what I think I felt, and I knew those feelings were strong enough. But what was I afraid of? Right on cue, when everyone fell silent, my Mother asked,
"I hope they fed you at Training, because we need to do the Sharing-of-Feelings. You first, Karsyn." She rested her head on both hands, with her arms on the table. I straightened myself first."
"Well, I felt tired after dealing with a group of restless Fives. They wouldn't sit and listen to my story. They kept twitching and whispering to one another. I did need to use a disciplinary wand on a small, female though. I think her name was Cameron? Anyway, with her as an example, every other Five did become quiet and well-behaved!" I finished and barely contained my surprise. Where did that come from? I never did that today! My Training only included Lily telling me how to quickly gather yourself if messing up on a word. You'd need to apologize to the class and teacher and continue on with the correction. But I never told even one story to anyone today! What I just said was a... lie? I could get released for that! But it wasn't my fault! It was like my voice wasn't even my own...
"Well done, Karsyn! You're growing up and handling problems well! You're so very ready for December." Waves of complements rushed at me. Yet, since what I said wasn't true, it felt like they were drowning me. Still, I kept my mouth shut. The clock in our kitchen beeped, reminding everyone over the age of 12 should now be in bed. All of us stood up at once, our chair scraping against the tile floor.
"Good night, Karsyn." They hugged me and headed to both their room while I stayed frozen. Just one thought permanently drawn in my mind.
What had I done?
I screamed with nothing coming out but hoarse cries growing weaker and weaker still. This was my punishment, I finally concluded. For lying. The Elders have their ways. I shuddered, black spots appeared in my vision.
Mother! Father! Help! My mouth formed the words, but my voice box had already collapsed on me. The pain! It grew with every desperate attempt to breathe. The spot grew until they molded together, forming darkness. I could no longer see, but I did know what was happening to me. I had given up. My arms and legs lay flat against the bed sheet and my head blankly staring up. The hurt I was feeling before grew less and less until I could feel nothing anymore. The last thing I heard was a hard, whooshing sound. Then everything became silent.