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A loneliness you can't answer for

Chapter 1: Heroes and thieves

I woke up to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm clock. As my fist slammed down on the snooze button I rolled over. 6am came way too early most mornings

I stood up from my bed and got ready for the day. I showered, changed, and fixed up breakfast for Jake and me. My father Charlie was gone generally early so I had a pre-made breakfast for him made every night so he could microwave himself a warm meal in the mornings. I make his lunch and most days end up making him a plate of whatever dinner I make and leave it in the fridge for when he gets around to eating it.

Since my mother died nothing had been the same. We never ate as a family and Charlie was almost never home and after his day at the station he would go out drinking with a couple of his buddies and come home drunk just to pass out on the couch. There had been a few instances where he had lashed out on me, but nothing to label abuse.

Jake wasn't normally home either. He gave me a ride to school in the mornings after I made our breakfast and we didn't usually talk. 2 years ago our relationship had been strong as ever and now the only verbal communication is along the lines of him asking if I had folded his laundry. I missed him but he seemed to be doing just fine without me.

Since mom died I more or less took the generic 'woman-of-the-house' role. I cooked, cleaned, did everyone's laundry, and even paid the bills for Charlie who would simply hand me the checkbook without acknowledgement. Though it took a toll on my grades I felt obliged to take care of everyone. My mom would have wanted me to, or so I keep telling myself.

My friends at school are pretty nice but they don't pay much attention to me. Alice is easiest the most optimistic of our semi-group. She always looks like she's bouncing with energy and is usually babbling about some sale at the mall. She's very small for the average 16 year old and looks [and sometimes acts] 12 considering she barely has made it passed 5 feet.

Rosalie has a bursting confidence that constantly shows and is exceptionally beautiful. She has the long legs and golden blonde hair that girls dream about. She can be shallow but she truly is a good person, you just need to get to know her. She also considers tongue wrestling with her boyfriend Emmett her main activity.

Rosalie's boyfriend Emmett is a pretty solid guy, both internally and physically. Lately he seemed like the big brother who hadn't quite abandoned me. Apart from everyone else he made a point to include me in conversation. He's pretty muscular but a real softie, especially when it came to the girls in his life which luckily included me, in the brotherly way of course.

Jasper was Alice's boyfriend and unofficial fiancé. The couple had been together since they were in diapers and were clearly each other's missing half. He was the only person who could truly calm Alice when she got too jumpy and they even did that weird couple-thing where they finish each other's sentences. He's a pretty neat guy though and he has this way of making everyone feel at ease.

And then there's Edward. Edward and I had been pretty close at one point, 2 years ago to be exact. We were best friends, but when my mother died and I needed him most he and I had a pretty large fight and he stopped talking to me.

Flashback

I had just gotten into the hospital after my father called me out of school. My mother had gotten into an accident and they didn't think she was going to make it.

Everything had happened so fast. One minute I was in History, the next Charlie showed up in my classroom motioning me to come with him as he explained to me and Jake what happened in the car. Apparently my mother had been driving home from running a few errands and some careless driver had rammed into her head on in the same lane and her neck had broken. She was in a coma and was far gone but the family was to make the decision as to when to pull the plug.

When I got into the room my father was unmoving as I saw tears drop down his cheeks, I had never seen him cry before. Jake was trying not to cry in his new attempt to be a man but I let them fall. I held her cold hand and looked over her bandaged body in an attempt to save her. We spent a few minutes saying our goodbyes before Charlie flipped the switch and I lost my mother forever.

Me and Jake left the room to give Charlie some time with his thoughts and stepped into the hospital hallway. Jake didn't look at me or even acknowledge me like I had seen them doing. He just sank to his knees and stared at the wall.

I was all alone and didn't think I could stand it anymore so I called Edward. I waited 5 rings before he picked up. "What is it Bella?" he sounded annoyed and I heard giggling in the background. I tried to hold in my sobs as I spoke.

"I-I'm sorry Edward, I'll j-j-just call you later since you're busy" The giggling in the background became more distinct and I recognized the voice as Tanya's, the girl Edward had recently mentioned he was interested in. Oh my god! I completely forgot their date was today! But I guess things like that cross your mind after your mother just died..

"No Bella, what is sooooo important that you need to call me sobbing on the phone whilst interrupting my date?" What!!! I couldn't believe him! We were best friends and you think if he was going to acknowledge my sad state that it would be with slight compassion.

I really didn't want to bother him further so I just shut the phone and leaned back against the wall trying to control the new flood of tears that came with losing my mother.

--later on that day—

When I arrived home I went right up to my room to shed a few more tears. Jake had driven me home because Charlie had to take care of a few things and he didn't want us around it. The ride home Jake didn't talk and just drove with a blank look on his face.

A few minutes after arriving home I heard the doorbell obnoxiously ring 5 times and I went downstairs to answer it not trusting Jake to do so in his state. Wiping a few tears from my eye I opened the door to find a fuming Edward. I quickly stepped outside and shut the door.

"BELLA HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!" he screamed in my face. I shrunk back taking a step away from him. "YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT DATE WAS TO ME AND YOU HAD TO CALL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL 'SOBBY' AND SAD EXPECTING ALL OF THE ATTENTION TO BE ON YOU!!" He pinched the bridge between his nose. "So much for a great first date with the girl of my dreams, she was mad enough that I even had a best friend whose a girl and then you have to call making it sound like were secretly dating or something. Thanks a lot"

With that he turned to walk away making a point to walk right on the lawn, something he never did.

"EDWARD WAIT!" I called out and watched as he turned his back with a murderous glare on his face. "What kind of nerve do you have Bella! This date was important to me, What could POSSIBLY have been important enough for you to ruin it?"

I looked at him with an impossible expression on my face. I had been crying since he started to scream at me. So I took the back of my hand and wiped away the tears. I was so sad and so angry at him that I didn't want to tell him and I didn't want to risk being hurt further with his lack of apology.

"I'm sorry I'm such an inconvenience" I whispered before turning back into the house.

I was out of school for the rest of the week and I spent a lot of that time in my room crying. Charlie told Jake and I we didn't have to go to school because of funeral preparations but the news had already spread over the town and the last thing I needed was everyone's sympathetic stares.

Alice had come over as soon as she heard the news and hugged me tight enough to cut off circulation. She just sat with me while I cried and was taking the place of the friend I needed, the one who didn't want to be bothered with me.

After the funeral Jake and I were back to school and as predicted everyone had heard. Apparently the death of the chief of Police's wife wasn't just a sweet obituary, it was front page news. Everyone had come up to me and told me how sorry they were.

The only class Edward and I had together was lunch and knowingly, Alice had sat with me on the other side of our usual table so I didn't have to face him. But he still came over at lunch, with a certain blonde bimbo attaching herself to his hip. I tried to ignore the fact that he was walking over but he sat down next to me. I looked down at my food and for a good minute I felt his presence. Then, cowardly, he walked away

End of flashback

For the first week after that Edward tried to call me, talk to me, he even came to my door a couple times, but each time I politely excused myself and when he requested to see me I had Jake chase him away. Then one day I got a restricted call.

"Hello?"

"Bella I tried talking to you all week so I could at least apologize but you won't even give me a chance so I'm done trying. I won't let you win and make me feel guilty because I'm done with you, have a nice life." And then Edward hung up the phone and stepped out of my life. It made me sick to my stomach that he thought I was playing a game with him. Did he even think about how much he hurt me? But I promised myself I wouldn't get disappointed because I didn't know what to expect. So as he walked away from the burden that was me I let go of him.

Since then people knew not to bring up our relationship. He has completely ignored me and has changed into the complete opposite person I used to know. Rosalie and Jasper being his siblings even said he had changed with dropping grades, and fooling around with Tanya whenever he can. But he still sat at our table and when Tanya moved 3 months ago he looked like a lost puppy and the realization of the family and friends he had hurriedly pushed away were now all he had.

I simply became a victim of time and with all the newly found duties I had along with a grief I hauled around with me I slightly pushed my friends away to the point where they gave up on trying to help me and While I was still 'part of the group' it wasn't the same and Edward and I became the outcasts.

So this morning wasn't any different as the last and after whipping up a quick batch of pancakes and running another load of laundry Jake and I were off.

When we pulled into the school though as I went to open the door Jake stopped me. "Bella can I talk to you for a sec?" shocked, I turned around to face him and he had a confused look on his face.

"Look sis, I guess I just wanted to say—" he stuttered a bit "The past couple of years—with Charlie and all—you know uh" he was really struggling for words and the look on his face was decisive. "Thanks for the pancakes" I gave him a strange look. It was the first sincere comment he had given me in months. I made pancakes almost every morning and he never once appreciated my making them, but it was a start I guess if he decided we were to start talking again.

I gave him a small smile. "Thanks for the ride" and got out of the car.

Heroes and thieves at my door

I can't seem to tell them apart anymore

And just when I figured it out

Oh Darling it's you I'm without

Darling it's you

Oh Darling it's you I'm without your

Comforting logic

Like these days are the

Ones I'll miss

And I seek a solitude

That I can't find without you

.com/watch?v=Ou4cM3CSw-w

I've decided I'm going to be adding music to this fanfiction and the first one is Heroes and Thieves by Vanessa Carlton. I thought the song is some foreshadowing with Edward who you will learn is fighting an internal battle. EPOV next!

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