In a perfect world, it would have been different. In a perfect world, he would have loved me. In a perfect world, he would sweep me off my feet and take me to the pool house instead of playing grand theft auto. But, I am Seth Cohen and I've never lived in a perfect world.
Maybe my world was perfect when we lived in Berkeley, when it was just me and mom and dad- no Newspies, no Caleb Nichol- only the Cohens. But then Grandma had to die. Then we had to move to Newport. Then I had to discover that it wasn't cool to like comic books or not be blonde and blue eyed.
From my first day at Harbor, I was teased. I was a runty kid, with a Jewfro and a Spiderman backpack. Luke Ward called me a geek and a freak and I guess that's what I was. No one wanted to be friends with me. I tried to be friends with the girls in my class; they seemed easier to get along with than the boys. I had mercy play-date after mercy play-date with my next-store neighbor, Marissa Cooper and her friends. Her dad and my mom were friends, so whenever there was some party (and when wasn't there some party?) the parents would get one sitter the three of us, me, Marissa and Kaitlin. When the oh-so-sweet Kaitlin Cooper was being disciplined, I would sit in the living room with Marissa, the two of us just staring at each other.
It was probably fourth grade when she talked to me, during one of those nights. We were my house and Kaitlin was sent to my room for her time-out. Marissa and I sat across the room from each other, like always. But, then, we just started talking. Marissa and I talked about everything; school, parents, her sister, her crush on Luke, nothing was of limits. So I told her the truth, I told her that I thought I liked Luke also. Neither of us really understood what that meant at the time, we were nine and the idea that a guy could like another guy was bad never crossed our minds.
Marissa and I became secret friends. I knew more about her than "best" friend, Summer Roberts. I knew before Summer that Marissa and Luke kissed on the field trip we took behind the scenes at Disneyland. I knew before Summer that Marissa stole a six pack of Smirnoff green apple from her parent's wine cellar, in fact, the first time Marissa got drunk, it was with me. And Marissa knew before Captain Oats that Luke had started to call me queer in the sixth grade.
It was Marissa, with the innocence that typified Marissa Cooper before she turned fifteen, who suggested that I pretend to be infatuated with Summer, so Luke would stop calling me queer. It was Marissa who danced with me at my Bar Mitzvah because Summer hadn't shown up and the boys were teasing me. It was Marissa who named the boat I got from Grandpa Caleb, as a Bar Mitzvah present, Summer Breeze, so we could show Summer that I was in love with her.
Marissa was my best friend, my only friend for so long, but our friendship was hurt because she met HIM before I did. He saved her first the first time before he even met me. When he finally met me, I was just sitting there like a dork, playing video games and he in wearing a beater, showing of his toned arms and he just looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and sat down next to me. Soon, he became my best friend, but she became his girlfriend. In a flash, Marissa Cooper had everything I wanted and could never have; I resented her so much for it.
Anna Stern knew the truth; she was never helping to get Summer. No, she really was helping to get over Ryan. So, I kissed her, I sort of meant it. Not in a romantic way, but in a way that both of us were comfortable with. She articulated my sexuality before I did, when she asked me if I really was trying to get Summer, or trying to get Ryan. I told her the truth, but then Summer came around and kissed me. And I kissed Summer back. And I dated Summer. And I had sex with Summer; but I was thinking about Ryan. And I said it was fish sex, I told Ryan I had fish sex. But, it was only fishlike 'cause it wasn't with him.
When Ryan went with Theresa back to Chino, I was crushed. So, I took Ryan's map and sailed to Tahiti so I could meet some cabana boy and (hopefully) get over Ryan. When that didn't pan out, I figured that going to Portland, going to Luke was my best bet. I had become pretty close with Luke after the whole Big Gay Dad and sleeping with Julie Cooper thing, I had actually came out to him and he was actually helping me through my issues. So, I went to Portland to seek out him and Carson's (his Big Gay Dad) help in getting over Ryan.
It was working too, I was getting over Ryan. By August, I was no longer seeing his eyes every time I closed mine. But then he came to take me home. Theresa lost the baby and he needed his brother back. Fuck, I didn't want to be his brother, I was quite happy all those years as an only child (okay I wasn't) and I didn't need a brother at age sixteen. Especially, a brother I was in love with.
At Harbor, we met Zach Stevens, and he was shy with Summer for a reason. It turns out that Zach and I had the same little problem (well, he wasn't in love with his "brother") and found Summer as the perfect way out. Well, some stuff happened at those comic book club meetings that Ryan missed when he tried to salvage his physics grade with Lindsey. Let's just say, I never dated Alex- we had a sort of arrangement set up so neither of us would need to come out of the closet. Yeah, I'm aware that Zach was actively cheating on Summer, but it felt so good, I really didn't mind.
I consider my first time with Zach, not my first time with Summer, to be the loss of my virginity. I was so excited, but who could I tell, everyone thought I already wasn't a virgin. So, I went back to my days of confiding in Marissa. She was pretty far down the bottle during this time, doing stupid things like taking Lindsey out drinking, so I wasn't sure she was really listening to anything I told her.
I guess she must have
been listening though, because soon my fake relationship with Alex
was over and she was not only out, but dating Marissa. Obviously, I
had known for years that she was a tad bit curious, so it wasn't as
shocking to me as it was to everyone else. So, I handled it with my
usual humor and everyone thought it was just my way of coping. Then,
I had to stop seeing Zach. Summer had found my sketches and made
herself a presence at the meetings for Atomic County, meaning
that those meetings couldn't be hookup sessions for me and Zach
anymore.
It hurt to not be with Zach, to watch him flaunt his
fake relationship with Summer in front of me, so I decided to fight
for her. She found it romantic and sweet and she took me back, but
during sex, I still thought about Ryan. I still yearned for Ryan.
Senior year sucked. Harbor without Ryan sucked. Taylor Townsend threatening to out me after I stupidly told her sucked. (why on earth did I trust Taylor before we were even close friends with her?) The realization that I would go to college far from Ryan sucked. I secretly applied to Berkeley and I was secretly relieved when I was rejected from Brown. I guess the marijuana got to me and soon I was deceiving everyone but Ryan (for the first time) as I tried to get into Brown. I, for some reason still unknown to me, let Anna talk me into applying to RISD and I guess I just thought I would never get in and I would just go to Berkeley. Honestly, why did anyone believe that I not only applied to one college, but I only applied to an Ivy League school?
After graduation I was going to tell Summer. I was going to tell her that I was offered a spot at RISD in the spring but that I didn't think I could go to Rhode Island with her anymore. I was going to tell her that I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. I was going to tell her that I was gay. I was, however, planning on leaving out the part about my love for Ryan.
But, my plans were shot to hell that night. Marissa died and I suddenly became everyone's rock. I had to prop up Summer and Ryan and I had to grieve myself. I cursed myself daily for keeping my friendship with Marissa so quiet during those three years we were a four-pack. Marissa was my rock, my stabling point, and now she was dead. It would look weird if I openly cried for her. I adopted a fuck them all attitude, and cried for Marissa, finally telling everyone of our friendship. And then the unexpected happened. Ryan wrapped his arms around me and led me to the pool house. Summer just stared at the door, watching us from the pool deck.
Ryan grabbed my hand and sat me on the bed. He looked deep into my eyes. My mind was spinning, I was crying and staring into his blue eyes and trying not to think about Marissa, about how the thoughts that I was having were defacing Marissa's memory. And then, I noticed my erection. I guess Ryan must have noticed it too, because he grabbed it. And he started to kiss me. It had to have been a pity kiss, Ryan Atwood was not gay. But, there he was, kissing his so called brother after losing his girlfriend.
As it turns out, Ryan was pulling the same thing with Marissa as I was with Summer. He never slept with Theresa; he always knew the baby was Eddie's. He never slept with Marissa or Sadie or Lindsey or Julie Cooper (wrong one of Marissa's boyfriends) or any girl, or anyone since he left Chino for that matter. He wanted me and I wanted him and Summer walked in, saw an eyeful and quietly left.
I'm at Berkeley now, with Ryan, whose looking over my shoulder as I write this. I just wanted you to know that I'm happy, that I almost got my perfect life. That I have the best boyfriend/roommate/fake brother ever. My parents approve, by the way, they had called it years ago. Marissa, I didn't get my perfect life, you're not here with me, with us, to celebrate our love. You will never be and I miss you so much. Ryan and I talked about it once, and we want to adopt a little girl and name her Marissa, when the time comes. Goodbye to you, my best friend.
-I have always loved you,
Seth
Seth set the letter on the grave stone, the name Marissa written in pink marker and walked away, hand in hand with Ryan as the sun shown down on them. In heaven, Marissa wiped a tear from her eye and smiled at the two men she loved the most; at last they were finally happy.