Turks Just Wanna Have Fun
by Kat_AclysmI have a certain fondness for the bad-guy. If there were no bad guys, the heroes would have nothing to do, right? It's the bad guys in this world that think up the most ridiculous and humorous inventions, so they deserve our respect. Come on, do you think anyone else but a bad guy could think up something like 'The Proud Clod?'?? (Okay, so SquareSoft did.... but they're the root of evil! They created FFVII and got us all addicted!)
I now present to you this little fic I wrote about the Turks & Rufus.
The Turks and Rufus were at their normal hangout spot in the Shinra Building, the bar in the rec room. Rude just sat there nursing a beer, while quietly munching on a bowl of peanuts. Reno watched the television on the wall with a mug of beer next to him, while Rufus had his head on the table, peacefully snoring away and drooling in his sleep.
"I'm bored." Elena yawned. "There's nothing to do."
"That's obviously why you're bored." Reno said flatly, combing back his shocking red hair. "Why don't you think of something to do? Rude?"
"Ummppph...." Rude gurgled.
"He's had too many." Elena sighed. "Make him get up and play around, and he'll make a mess on the floor with the contents of his stomach."
"Yuck, you didn't have to be so descriptive!" Reno yelped.
"Sorry. I'm just really bored."
"Hmmmm...." Reno said, thinking hard. "I know, why don't you wake Rufus up and ask him what you can do?"
"No way!" Elena said, taking a step backwards. "Do you have any idea how grumpy he is just after he wakes up!?"
"Suit yourself, be bored then." Reno shrugged, facing the TV again. "Either that, or follow his lead."
Elena sighed angrily as she rested her head on her hand. She looked over towards the sleeping Rufus and raised an eyebrow.
"Our grand president...." Reno scoffed.
"Is he drooling in his sleep!?" Elena yelled suddenly. "My god, that's disgusting!!"
Rufus began to stir.
"Keep it down!!" Rude yelled. "My head feels like it's gonna explode!"
Rufus moved around in his sleep.
"No mommy, I don't wanna go to school today...." he mumbled incoherently.
Elena released a long breath she'd been holding. "That was a close one."
Reno quickly downed the last of his mug of beer and clunked it down on the table.
Just then, Rufus sat bolt upright.
"DAMMIT!! Will you all stop that racket?!" he hollered. "I'm trying to sleep!!"
"If you're looking for something to do..." Rude slurred."...why don't you write a poem about nose hairs?"
"Nose hairs??" Rufus repeated. "What the hell...?"
"We're trying to think of stuff to do." Elena answered. "I'm bored, I just wanna have a little fun."
"Oh, alright. I have a suggestion." Rufus said. "Why don't you write messages on the window with cheese?"
"What!?"
"You take a block of cheese, rub it on the windows and leave a skid mark." Rufus explained. "That is how you write with cheese. Oh, and make sure it's not runny cheese or furry cheese because clinical study has proven that they make very ugly pictures."
"Okaaaaaay...." Elena said, taking the beer right next to him away. "I think you've had enough alcohol for today."
"I'm not drunk." Rufus said coldly. "I don't even touch the stuff."
"Then whose is this??"
"Heys... give me my drinksss... back!" Rude said angrily, snatching his mug from her.
"Rude, you're drunk. I think you need to lie down for a while." Reno said, shaking his head.
"No I don't!" Rude said defensively, standing up. He wished he hadn't, as he toppled to the floor and quickly passed out.
"Yeah, I think Rude's gonna take your advice and lie down for a while." Elena smiled.
"See that soda machine over there?" Rufus said, pointing to the machine in the corner. "Here's a 100 gil. Get me a Dr. Pepper."
"Why do I have to get it?!" Elena asked, screwing her face up.
"Because if you don't...." Rufus grinned evilly. "....you're fired."
"You can't fire me for not getting you a Dr. Pepper!!"
"Wanna make a bet??"
"No...." Elena grumbled as she took the money from Rufus's hand.
"That's the girl." Rufus chuckled wickedly. "Be quick and I'll let you have some."
"Stupid president.... I wish AVALANCHE would blow up him instead of those Mako Reactors....." Elena mumbled as she walked over, operated the soda machine and grabbed the can of Dr. Pepper that popped out.
"Here's your Dr. Pepper, MISTER President." Elena scoffed as she handed the can to him.
"Why thankyou." Rufus smirked, ignoring the sarcasm behind the comment.
Elena just stood there and fumed.
"Rufus?" Reno said, watching the man take a mouthful from his soda can. "We're bored, and we want something to do."
"Yeah!" Elena snapped. "We just wanna have fun."
Rufus nodded, and placed his soda can on the counter. "Why don't you play dead??"
"Why would I want to do that?!"
"Well Rude seems to be doing a good job of it." Rufus chuckled, kicking the unconscious man on the floor lightly.
"Why don't we go bowling?" Reno said, picking up the remote and flipping channels. "We always like doing that."
"No way." Elena said, shaking her head. "Not after what we did to the alleyway last time. My ears are still ringing from when the manager of the bowling alley screamed at us."
"That's only because you losers can't bowl!" Rufus said angrily.
"We can't bowl?!" Reno yelped. "You're the one who threw the bowling ball through the security window on your follow through!!"
"My fingers were greasy from the fries!" Rufus defended. "The ball left my hand too early!!!"
"You're telling me...." Reno said, under his breath.
"Look guys, this is really silly." Elena laughed nervously as she stepped in between the two. "We're trying to decide how to have fun, not start an argument!"
"True..." Reno nodded. "So what do we do, President Rufus? We're all out of ideas. How do we have a little fun??"
Rufus downed his can of Dr. Pepper before answering. "Why not have a drinking contest?? See who can get plastered the fastest. I'd join in, but I don't drink alcohol."
"Good idea, president....." Reno laughed nervously. "But Rude won that hours ago."
"Why don't you drink alcohol, Rufus?"
"For the same reason a flower has pretty colours, for the same reason sexy women wear revealing clothing at the beach, and for the same reason Sephiroth wears bright pink boxer shorts...."
"....WHAT?!"
"Just like you Turks want to be seen as ruthless, just like kittens want to be seen as cute," Rufus shrugged. "It's all to do with 'image'."
"Rufus, are you sure you don't drink?!" Elena said, raising an eyebrow. "You're making even less sense than Rude when he's stuffed his face full of potato chips!"
"Listen, do you want to be fired?!" Rufus snapped as he stood up.
"No!"
"Then stop making gratuitous remarks like that about me!" Rufus said, leering at the female Turk. "Now all of you, we have to watch what this AVALANCHE is up to next!"
"Can we harass them??" Rude said suddenly, crawling up off the floor.
"That's what Shinra Inc. pays you for, doesn't it?!" Rufus snapped. "Now all of you, get back on duty!!"
Rufus stormed out of the pub.
"Let's just face it, guys....." Elena said, shaking her head. "We're Turks - we're not supposed to have fun."
"Wanna make a bet!?" Reno growled.
"You're on!!"
"We are the Turks." Reno said sternly. "Our fun IS harassing AVALANCHE."
"Oh yeah!!"
"Now let's go!"
Elena, Reno and Rude ran out of the pub, eagerly wanting to harass AVALANCHE. Just three happy Turks, they were....
....Turks who just wanted to have fun.