I found this story in this notebook I lost for a while.
Their first encounter was in the home of the target Toris Laurinaitis.
Arthur and his ragtag team of elite bounty hunters had successfully eliminated the target and were meticulously preparing the body.
"I rather liked Toris," sniffed Alfred F. Jones.
"Well if you're into necrophilia, he's all yours," teased Steven.
Dan silently watched from the corner.
That is when a blonde haired figure charged through the door, machine gun in hand. The figure skidded to a halt when they saw the situation. Violet eyes scanned over the scene. The person took off his glasses and wiped them with the bottom of their shirt, as if the people in the room may have been a trick of the light. The entire team was too confused and bewildered to draw any weapons.
"Oh. You already killed him."
Is what the person said, before they calmly walked out the door.
Their second encounter was on the cruise ship of the target Feliks Łukasiewicz.
This time, it was just Arthur, for the place of elimination was Feliks' personal cabin and unlike the loud mouth Alfred, Arthur was good at stealth. He quietly waited in the ventilator for the perfect opportunity to strike. That is when he had noticed that Feliks was not alone. From the corner of the ventilator he could see someone. They had blonde hair flowing to their shoulders and was wearing a red dress that fit snugly against their lean body. As the person neared closer to Feliks', in one quick motion they had bent over, produced a knife from their boot, stood and slit Feliks' throat. When the person came into view, Arthur recognized them as the person from the previous hit. Arthur made a mental note that this person was in fact, a female, for she was wearing vibrant red lipstick, heavy black eye liner and a bit of rouge. Before leaving the room, she looked up at the ventilator and waved.
Once again, Arthur was bewildered.
"They keep doing this!" Alfred shouted as his hands flew to the air. "This is the seventh time! Every time we're about to make a kill, we come bursting on the scene and our target is already dead!"
"We can't actually complain," Arthur commented. "We still get the pay as long as the target is taken out."
"But where's the fun in that?" Alfred protested.
The rest of the team nodded in agreement.
Their next target was a man named Matthew Williams.
"It's him!" Alfred said, excited.
"It's him…" Steven said, annoyed.
"It's a him?" Arthur said, mortified.
"It's a him." Dan nodded. "You can tell by his posture, his facial structure, his shoulders and his solar plexus. It's pretty obvious."
The other three members inspected Dan. Dan's gender was still a mystery.
Arthur and Alfred both stood over the unconscious body of Matthew Williams.
"He's rather cute," Arthur said fondly.
"He looks a lot like me," Alfred stated matter-of-factly.
Then Alfred turned to Arthur. "Do you think I'm cute?"
Arthur responded by hitting Alfred in the head with the butt of his gun.
"Why don't you kill me?" Matthew Williams asked, as he sat tied to a chair in front of Arthur.
"You're rather fetching," said Arthur.
"I hope you don't do this to all your targets," Matthew groaned.
Arthur knelt over and cupped Matthew's chin with his hands.
"Only to the really pretty ones."
The team sat in a circle in the living room.
"Why don't we kill him?" Alfred asked.
"Alfred just wants to kill him so he can have sex with him," Steven commented.
"You can still have sex with him while he's alive, you know," stated Dan.
A blush grew across Alfred's face. "Shut up! I'm not into necrophilia!"
"I think he would make a great asset to the team," said Arthur.
That's when the rest of the team giggled, and Alfred said, "You mean he has a great ass…et"
Before Arthur could make some type of British insult, a soft voice cut through the air.
"Um excuse me…"
All eyes turned towards the door, where Matthew stood holding some rope.
"I got a bit bored so I decided to untie the rope but…" he looked at his feet, and seemed to whither under their gazes. He fiddled a bit with the rope, and then he blushed deeply. "I didn't know how to tie myself back to the chair, and I'm really sorry! I'll just leave now."
He politely dropped the rope at Arthur's feet and proceeded to walk out the door.
"Oh my gosh." Alfred said, his mouth agape."Is it just me or was that totally hot?"
Arthur merely nodded in agreement.
It was five months later that they had Matthew tied to a chair yet again.
"Do you need something?" Matthew asked politely.
"Yes," huffed Arthur. "We would like you to join our team."
Matthew cocked his head to the side, similar to that of a puppy.
"Why would you want that?"
"You have a great ass…et!" Alfred shouted, before he was elbowed in the gut by Steven.
"Yes," Arthur agreed. "We want you because you have a great ass."
"Uh mate, don't you mean asset?" Piqued Steven.
Arthur licked his lips. "I meant what I said."
"And now, to our newest member, Matthew Williams!"
"To Matthew Williams!" The team shouted, raising their bottles of beer in triumph.
"Do you need anything, dear?" Arthur asked, as he turned to Matthew.
"Would you so kindly introduce me to the other members of the team?" Matthew asked, a shy smile on his lips.
Alfred got up from his chair, hands clutched on his belt, a big smile on his face. "Sure babe, let me introduce you to my little friend that I'm sure your mouth would get acquai-"
"If you wish, love" said Arthur, ignoring Alfred. Without looking, he pointed his gun at Steven.
"That's Steven." Steven flashed Matthew a big grin.
Arthur pointed his gun to the corner of the room, where Dan silently watched. "The androgynous being over there is Dan," Dan nodded in acknowledgement.
"And this twat here is Alfred," Arthur twirled his gun on his finger and stopped it at Alfred. There was a loud bang and a shrill squeak.
"Fuck Artie, you almost shot me!"
"Almost," He repeated, as he shot the cap of his beer off.
After the debriefing for their next target, Arthur approached Matthew.
"Do you have any questions?" he asked, as he saw the somewhat confused look on his face.
"Yes. That wasn't really a debriefing, but more of you showing a picture of the target and saying, 'This is Sadik Adnan, we're going to kill him'"
"That is exactly what I did, love."
"Don't you guys have any specific jobs?"
Arthur furrowed his eyebrows as he thought. "Alfred, he cleans the house. Steven cooks, Dan does the laundry-"
Matthew frowned. "No, I meant, like in Ocean 11? Don't you have a heavy weapons guy, a transport guy, or something like that?"
"Oh, we have nothing of the sort."
"Then… How do you decide who does what?"
Arthur shrugged. "Rock, paper, scissors."
Matthew thought Arthur was joking, until it came time to decide who was going to plant the bomb and kill the target.
"So it's between Steven and Alfred," he said, and as he did, the two stood in front of each other, feet square with their shoulders.
"Go!" Arthur shouted, and both men screamed in unison.
"Hah!" Steven yelled in triumph. "Looks like it's your turn!"
Alfred childishly stomped his foot into the ground. "You can't use gun in rock paper scissors! That's why it's called, ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!"
"Whatever mate, I won."
Alfred pouted and stomped away. "You always do that, Steven!"
As Alfred watched Arthur stare longingly at Matthew, he snickered.
"You're gaaaaay"
"No I'm not," Arthur argued.
Alfred rolled his eyes, and then strolled up to Matthew. He gave Matthew's ass a tight squeeze, which made Matthew squeal and slap Alfred in the face. But it didn't hurt at all.
Okay, actually it did.
A lot.
But seeing that look of jealousy on Arthur's face was tooootally worth it.
For the assassination of Roderich Edelstein, the team had to dress up classy.
As they stood in the ballroom, Arthur saw Matthew from a mile away. He looked absolutely beautiful in his white pinstripe suit and red tie, his hair tied up in a ponytail.
After much deliberation and egging from both Steven and Alfred, Arthur approached Matthew.
"You look absolutely beautiful. May I have this dance?" he said, as he extended his hand.
Matthew smiled, and placed a gloved white hand into Arthur's.
"Of course."
Matthew batted his eyelashes.
Arthur's heart fluttered.
"Alfred," Arthur whispered, as he stood in Alfred's door way, his figure illuminated by the soft light from outside. "I think I'm gay. I think I'm in love with Matthew Williams."
"I'm so happy for you," Alfred mumbled sarcastically, as he pulled the covers over his head to hide from the light.
"I'm in love with Matthew Williams." Arthur repeated dreamily.
"Good, why don't you get the fuck out of my room and bother all the other people who are trying to sleep."
And that is exactly what Arthur did.
The target today was Antonio Hernandez Carriedo. Because he lived in Spain, the team got to travel.
Matthew and Arthur both crouched low to the ground, hidden by the cover of the trees. The mansion was in plain view, and Matthew could see the figure of someone in every window.
And there were a lot of windows.
"There are armed guards everywhere, Arthur. Do you really think-"
Arthur brought one gloved finger to Matthew's lips. "Shhh" he said. "Watch."
Arthur stood and made a gun with his hand and pointed it to one of the guards who stood in front.
"Bam," he said, and Matthew watched as the guard's head blew off.
"Pow," he pointed at a man who was in the window, and his head also blew off.
"Pow, pow, pow," three more men dropped.
"Kaboom!" Arthur shouted, and Matthew watched as the entire building exploded.
Arthur brought his finger gun to his lips and blew on it.
"I call the shots here, darling."
Matthew watched as the flames danced against the sky, and then he turned to Arthur.
"This is the country of passion." He stated dumbly.
"What does that mean?" Arthur questioned.
"Let's make out."
And as the building burned down, the two made out.
As they stand among the bloody and lifeless bodies of the Braginski family, they clasp hands.
"Do you really think I'm beautiful?" Matthew asked.
Arthur brushes a bloody hand against Matthew's cheek.
"Of course I do."
As they ran trying to avoid a hail of bullets from the target Basch Zwingli who proved to be harder to kill then they had thought, Matthew gave Arthur a disconcerting look.
"I think you're over the top and disorganized." Matthew commented.
"No one asked for your opinion," Arthur bit back.
And that is when things started to go down hill.
Matthew found them in the broom closet, reeking of alcohol.
"What is this?" he hissed, as he pulled Arthur and Alfred apart.
"Wuzzat" Alfred stated intelligently.
Arthur on the other hand, was freaking out. During his drunken haze, he had mistaken Alfred for Matthew.
"Matthew- it's not what you think, I swear!"
Matthew pouted, and stomped off.
Matthew wasn't with them on the next job. He was still busy pouting.
Alfred spotted Arthur standing alone, in front of the target's apartment complex.
"Dude!" Alfred said, as he tried to reason with Arthur. "Don't blame me, we were both drunk and you pulled me into the closet I wouldn't - fuck man, WARN ME WHEN YOU'RE GONNA BLOW SHIT UP!"
Arthur merely scowled as he walked away from the burning building.
"I'm leaving," Matthew said, as he packed his things into a duffel bag.
"You may try," Arthur stated.
Matthew tried. He failed. They tied him to the bed.
"You're a pretentious cocky bastard who thinks he can get away with anything he wants," Matthew says, for Arthur had captured him on his seventh escape attempt and tied him up to the bed again.
"I don't care what you say. I'm going to sit here until you apologize to me for insulting my eyebrows."
Matthew rolled his eyes. "Fine, do what you want. At least give me back my pants."
"No."
After the tenth attempt, Matthew has successfully escaped.
Arthur is hysteric, and sobbing on the floor. Steven was rubbing his hand against Arthur's back as Dan handed him more bottles of beer.
"If he was dead, you still would have been able to have sex with him without worrying about him leaving," said Alfred.
And this is when Alfred learned that even while drunk, Arthur is a pretty good shot.
After the failed assassination on Gilbert Beilschmidt, Alfred had called a secret meetings.
"Dudes," he said, even though he was unsure if Dan was a dude or dudette. "We've got to get Matthew back. Arthur's losing it."
"Oh it's not that bad," said Dan. "Arthur's a bit out of it, but he'll be fine."
Steven coughed. "When Arthur saw Gilbert, he said, "I am a bounty hunter and I am going to kill you. Take this gun and shoot me before I shoot you." then he gave Gilbert the gun."
"See?" said Dan. "It's not that bad."
In the middle of the night, all three team members had woken up. Arthur's uncontrollably sobbing and shouts for Matthew in the middle of the night were just too much.
"Okay, so maybe it is that bad." admitted Dan.
"Why are we here?" Arthur mumbled, as Alfred dragged him through the room. Everywhere Arthur saw, there were women dancing exotically on poles. "I don't like women."
"We're not seeing a woman."
He lead him to the very back, where there was a private room. Arthur and Alfred both sat, and awaited their entertainer.
"I don't like this,"
"Shut up and watch, Artie."
Then from behind the curtain emerged Matthew Williams who was wearing a blue strapless dress and black high heels. He was lacking his glasses.
"Hello boys," he said in a very high pitched voice, but as he leaned closer, he could actually see who his customers were.
"Alfred!" Matthew squeaked. "Why did you bring him here?"
Arthur gawked. "You look stunning, Matthew."
"I hate you,"
With a twirl of his dress, Matthew was gone.
"Let go of me!" Matthew yelled.
Matthew was still in a dress, but was now wearing his glasses. Arthur had a tight grip on Matthew's arm, and was not letting go.
"I love you. It's raining. Let's make out."
And then they made out, and everything was forgiven.
The shockwave of the explosion carried out through several blocks, the sound carrying out even further. Amidst the rubble and debris lay two men, sprawled on the floor, bleeding intensely – but neither of them dead.
"Fuck," the one with short wavy blonde hair uttered, as he rolled over on to his back. "That is the last time that I go with you. Next time I'm going with Alfred."
His companion beside him lay on the floor, sandy-blonde hair dusty and emerald eyes a bit dilated. "You're just too soft, love." He murmured, as both men slowly and shakily rose to their feet.
They surveyed the carnage – that explosion had taken out the entire left side of the building.
"Well that went as planned," Arthur stated, as he brushed the dust off his once pristine suit.
"Planned?" scoffed Matthew. "We fucking blew up right into the sky! We probably blew up Dan too!."
"Minor casualty."
From somewhere in the rubble, Dan shouted, "I'm okay!"
"I hope you don't call me a minor casualty when I die."
The two ignored Alfred as he yelled, "Matthew, I would soooo totally do you if you died!"
The Arthur tipped the Matthew one's face to his. "We can never die, darling. We're practically invincible."
There was the sound of sirens in the background, and Steven was shouting that it was time to leave.
"A quick kiss?"
Matthew huffed. "Fine, just for you Arthur."
SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID I WRITE LOL.
Yes, this story was somewhere in happenstance.