Heeheee, my second ever story on fanfic. Or maybe my first since the other one was just a preview... whatever.
Anyways, sorry for the longish wait. What, it's been like two weeks now?
Okay, forget that. This is another story I've been working on. I finally think it's somewhat presentable so I'm just gonna publish it and see what people think. I'm almost ready to publish the first chapter for my other fic, too. It'll be up either later tonight or sometime tomorrow ˆ¬ˆ
Anyhow, thanks for the reviews I got for my last fic! Some of them made me squirm in my seat and smile... And there were only four... Actually, all of them made me do that, hahaah. BUT BUT BUUUT, I LIKE, STARTED HYPERVENTILATING WHEN I SAW DEXTRIS REVIEWED MY STORY. Oh my, I sound like quite the creeper. Haha, go read her stories. They're great. On a side note, I LOVE YOU ALL, REVIEWERS. I should start reviewing stories, it makes the author feel so omnipotent! But I always feel like my reviews are crap, haha.
So, I hope this story makes at least a little sense and gains lotsa love.
Reviews'll make me write faster... and, y'know the faster I write the faster you get smut, heheh.
Ahahahahahahaaaaaa, enough about me. You guys are here for stories, not teenage drama~ =3=;;;;
Enjoy~
(Warning, each time a person reads yet doesn't review, a kitty is hit with a flying vending machine. They die 50% of the time.) ;_; (SO SAAAAD! You should review. -evil laughter-)
DISCLAIMER: DRRR! AND IT'S CHARRIES DO NOT BELONG TO ME. AND I'M FINE WITH THAT.
It wasn't his fault. He chanted this over and over to himself. Shizu-chan wasn't dead… He was just sleeping…. Sleeping. Izaya sighed in defeat. It wasn't worth it anymore. His pride didn't matter to a dead man. Hell, it didn't even matter to himself at the time being. So he let it all out. All the tension, the broken dreams, crushed hopes, false emotions, all the pain, sorrow and love… It all flooded out of him in the form of tears. Warm, empty tears that stung his burning cheeks. Licking them off of his lips, he sobbed. They tasted of nothing. All of his most precious emotions were sealed within the drops of liquid, yet they tasted so bland… so empty.
Everything is empty without him,that silly little voice inside his mind stated.
Izaya sobbed as if it was all he could do. He could forget all this pain. He just had to let the emotions fall, crash around him and onto the pale face of the blonde, which was lying gently on his lap.
"Shizu-chan… Did you know that I meant what I said? I really do hate you. You hurt me so much. I gave you all my love and you continued on with your life as if it didn't even matter. Haha, how could I not hate you for that, Shizu-chan?" Izaya smiled through his tears. He smiled at the blonde's beautiful sleeping face. If only he could look this beautiful forever. However, he was only sleeping. 'He's only sleeping.' Izaya chanted over and over to himself.
"He'll take this away from me too. Just you wait and see. This animal will wake up and ruin everything. He'll replace that peaceful expression with and angry face and ruin my lovely view. I know he will… He ruins everything"
Izaya was barely aware of his own tears anymore. They seemed so natural. As if they had always been streaking down his face. As if it was as natural to cry as it was to breath.
"I'm not crying for the likes of you, Shizu-chan… So stop smiling, will you. I'm crying for myself, for my own pain. I could never care about a monster and I could certainly never cry for one," Izaya whispered to the sleeping blonde whose head was resting in his lap.
"Don't lie to yourself," The monster whispered, taking Izaya's cheek into the palm of his warm, caring hand. "I died and that hurt you. But you aren't crying out of sorrow. You're just upset you weren't the one to kill me, aren't you? And even if that wasn't true, and you were crying for yourself, you'd still be lying"
"How so, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked smirking, nudging the aching of his heart out of his mind if only temporarily.
"You'd still be crying for a monster."
Izaya's lip trembled. He didn't respond to that for fear of his voice cracking up. Maybe he wouldn't even be able to speak. Maybe all that he'd manage at this point was a strangled whimper. Izaya couldn't throw away his dignity like that. However, staring into the eyes of his much-hated love, the raven-haired man realized that it would be a sin for him to not respond to those honey-coloured eyes that were oh so deviously pleading the informant to continue the meaningless conversation. So Izaya choked something out: a strangled whimper. He whimpered and crumbled into a mess, hunching over the dead man, his tears empty soaking the other man's perfect face.
"Why?" Izaya asked through unsure lips.
"Why what, flea?" Shizuo asked, propping himself up on his elbows, inches way from the beautiful man's lips before licking away the tears that poured down from those scarlet eyes in abundance, akin to a waterfall.
"Why Shizu-chan, you know full well what I mean! Why have you ceased to exist! Why have you died! Why can't you give in to me, be mine! Why can't you be mine, you selfish brute," Izaya screamed through sobs. He wasn't ready… He wasn't ready to hear the truth. Not again. If it hurt so much the first time, why did he want to hear it again? Did he withdraw some sort of sick masochistic pleasure from this? Did he enjoy knowing the beauty before him could never belong… Belong to him. Did he enjoy knowing his Shizu-chan would never come back?
Shizuo smiled sadly, shifting himself so he was gently caressing Izaya's snivelling form in his strong, protective grasp. "Because you didn't see me that way… You never saw me as I am. You never let your heart win. You never saw me as yours, so I wasn't. It's only natural that without my reason for living, I should disappear. Or, as you would say, that I should "Evolve". I've evolved into someone who doesn't need you as they once did for my own protection. You can't hurt me if I don't love you." Shizuo chuckled sadly to himself, stroking the raven-haired man's back. Izaya shuddered. The way Shizuo put things made him. He couldn't help it. The blond had said that without his reason for living he should disappear, but what those words really meant was clear to both men. So clear, that to Izaya, those words were never spoken. What the fortissimo of Ikebukuro had really said was the following:
It's only natural that without you, Izaya, I should disappear.
"I can't help but wonder, will you miss me, Izaya? Do you miss me? Have you missed me?"
Izaya felt something pang at his chest. He felt as though he was being destroyed from the inside out. All of his walls were crumbling beneath him. Everything within his very soul was disintegrating along with his conscious connection to this brute.
"No!" He screamed, fresh tears racing down his face anew. "I won't miss you, stupid protozoan! After all, why should I? You're only sleeping. Sleeping! You'll wake up soon enough, you fucking Neanderthal! You'll come back to me! Just wait and see, Shizu-chan! And even if you don't, why on earth would I miss an animal like you? Honestly, I know I claim to love the whole human race, but you just don't qualify!" By now Izaya was laughing hysterically if not maniacally, eyes still overflowing with tears.
"Izaya, I'm gone. I can't judge you anymore. I can't hurt you anymore than I already have. You don't need to be afraid. Let it all out. All of your love, hate, passion, lust, denial, fear… Let it all out and become either shrivelled and empty or once again whole… Your choice," he added with a smile.
That said, Shizuo crashed his lips against those of the emotional train-wreck before him.
Izaya felt those sweet lips upon his and couldn't help but open his mouth for more, desperately craving the bittersweet taste of this monster. He brushed his tongue against Shizuo's bottom lip, a subtle and seductive hint. The beast opened his mouth without hesitation, allowing Izaya entrance into the comforting and wet cave that tasted of cigarette ashes and Shizuo. The blonde's mouth hurt Izaya so much when it gave birth to hurtful words, yet that could easily be forgotten and forgiven as Izaya engulfed himself in the heavenly warmth it provided. Izaya mewled into the kiss, holding back tears. He loved this man, so why couldn't his love be returned? Deep down he knew that it was his fault this man had died. It was his fault they could never be. But he refused to believe it, for he was a coward. Yes, Izaya Orihara is a coward, said man thought to himself, deepening the kiss. He just didn't want to get hurt anymore. He didn't want to lose this… This was all he had. He was absolutely not going to let Shizuo slip from his grasp, forever out of reach.
Shizuo pulled away from the passionate kiss. Izaya in turn stared back at him with a wanton, lust-filled gaze. The former-bartender looked into the informant's red, pleading orbs with cold, piercing, yet caring eyes before slapping his partner across the face. Hard.
"Don't you dare be so weak, Izaya! Trying to hide from your fears, masking love with desire and desire with lust! Running away from everything you want! Everything you need!"
"S-Shizuo-" Izaya was interrupted by another loud smack. His cheek burned red and the sound of harsh contact of skin against skin resonated in the alleyway.
"Don't give me that! All I've ever wanted was love! I'd do anything for it! Anything! And here you are. You had love! You loved a man and he felt the same for you! But what did you do? You ran away! You ran far, far away from your feelings, Izaya! And when you finally decided to admit to not hating Shizuo, it was too fucking late! COWARD!"
Slap.
"WIMP!"
Slap.
"DON'T YOU DARE BE SO WEAK, IZAYA! I MAY HAVE BEEN PATHETIC, RUNNING AWAY FROM AFFECTION, FEARING I'D DO NOTHING BUT HARM THOSE I LOVED! BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THAT! YOU AREN'T ME! YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, IZAYA! I KNOW YOU ARE!" The blond beast bellowed.
"Shizu-"
SLAP.
"Let it all out, Izaya. Let go of your fears and your pain. Forget it all and live with me, in this moment. For this one moment, drop all your masks and be at peace with me. Scream. Scream and show the universe that you have had enough." Shizuo said, sad eyes glimmering with emotion.
"Sh-"
SLAP.
"FUCKIT, SHIZUO!" Izaya screamed, slapping the man dressed as a bartender across the face. Shizuo merely smiled stupidly at him.
"It hurt! It hurt so damn much to have you so close yet so far! Even now, my heart burns! It's so hard, Shizu-chan! It's so hard to hide behind all these masks and never let out how you feel! It hurts me Shizuo! It hurts so damn bad! Can your protozoan mind process that!" Izaya sobbed.
"Then let it all out. Shed your tears and be proud… proud that you are strong enough to fight this, proud that you don't need masks to survive in this hectic world. Proud that you're who you are and no one can take that from you. Proud that you no longer need to hide… proud that you're mine." Shizuo whispered into Izaya's ear.
Izaya screamed, fresh tears melting from his ice glazed heart and pouring down his face. He arched his back and screamed up at the heavens in agony. He screamed as loud as his lungs would allow and when he no longer had any air to expel from his physical being, he continued to scream, instead letting out his buried emotions. Everything he had ever felt was now out in the open. He cried harder, arching his back further and throwing his head back as far as it would go, smiling.
"Izaya…" Said man opened his ears, having his full attention on that smooth and silk-like voice.
"You've let out all your feelings through crying. You've opened yourself up. You've given me a deeper connection with your raw spirit, Izaya. I can feel your heart and the pain that tears it apart… Now I want to allow your tears to give you something in return. Cry and know that I love you. Cry, open yourself up and receive my love." Shizuo breathed huskily, lovingly.
"SHIZUO!" Izaya screamed, pulling the blonde into a tight embrace. "I love you so much! I LOVE YOU!" He screamed, crying. Slowly, his tears transformed. No longer were they empty. No longer were they tears containing only the bitter and pessimistic side of his being. They turned to tears of joy. Smiling, he cried harder than ever before, hugging the blonde.
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" Izaya screamed between sobs, smiling. Finally, Izaya felt completion. He felt whole for the first time in three long months.
"Will you ever wake up...?" Izaya whispered into his lover's ear, digging his nails into the man's strong back whilst crying for all he was worth.
"Gah…" Shizuo grunted, waking up. He lazily rubbed his eyes, stretching and twisting his back so he was lying face up on the bed. Blinking, the artificial blonde found himself looking at a plain, white ceiling.
Closing his eyes once again, he let out a deep breath. The sun that caressed his upper torso indicated that it wasn't too early in the morning. But Shizuo's mind was still drowsy and wasn't yet vigilant enough to notice little details such as a little patch of sunshine idly warming his chest.
Oh, yeah… I had a dream, didn't I? Shizuo thought to himself as best he could in his lethargic state. The blonde unconsciously smiled, repositioning himself on the soft mattress as memories of his dream slowly invaded his memory.
Ah… he was in it, wasn't he?
… Why was he crying?
Shizuo sighed, smiling sadly.
Tears don't suit you at all. You shouldn't be crying, you just… Shouldn't be.
He had no idea why, but the blonde absolutely loathed the way tears streamed down the raven-haired man's cheeks in his dreams. Hell, he didn't even know who this man was, but… There was something about him… It was scary, really. Almost like déjà vu. Shizuo saw this man so often in his dreams; it was as if they knew each other. The blonde felt a deep connection to this person who didn't even exist as far as he knew.
Shizuo hefted himself off of his bed, deciding a nice, hot shower would be a pleasant way to start his weekend. Mentally telling himself not to fall asleep in his clothing each night as he shed said fabric prematurely, he casually made his way to the bathroom. Entering the small space, his feet made soft sounds against the chilly, pearl-white tile flooring. The sound of water splashing against the bottom of the bathtub greeted his ears before he pulled the little piece of metal that activated the shower nob. Without giving it much thought, Shizuo put one foot inside the tub, followed by another. A shiver ran up his spine as the blonde was greeted with cold water upon entering the shower. His eyes became comically wide as he shrieked and hastily made his way out of the reach of that ice-cold liquid.
"Shit…" Shizuo mumbled, making his way out of the bathroom in a white tee and shorts he found lying around while messily drying his hair with a towel.
"Haha, what on earth happened to you?"
Feeling himself relax some, Shizuo remembered he had crashed at Shinra's place the previous night. "So you're the one who used up all the hot water…"
Shinra just smiled dumbly. "It's not my fault, Shizuo~! Celty lured me in there, the temptation was too much!" he wailed, moving his arms around dramatically.
"I don't even wanna hear it," the blonde stated, struggling to get excess water out of his ears.
"Oh, you have a point there! I wouldn't want you falling for her too!"
Shizuo just snorted.
"Besides, you should've known I'd take a shower in the morning. Furthermore, why didn't you just check the water's temperature with your hand before getting in? That's what most people would do."
"I didn't think about it. I didn't even know I was at your apartment until just now. I've stayed here so long in the past few months, it's almost like my own house in a way," Shizuo said nonchalantly.
Shinra smiled, checking the time on his phone. "Ahh, I have to get going. I have some work to do," the underground doctor said, putting his lab coat on. "But I'll be back soon! Tell Celty not to miss me too much while I'm gone, okay?"
The blonde was barely even listening anymore. This man just went on and on, didn't he?
"Bye, Shizuo," Shinra chimed, stuffing a few final things into his brief case before making his way out the door.
Shizuo just shrugged, throwing the towel he had been using over his shoulders, absent-mindedly making his way towards the kitchen. In all honesty, he was a little relieved to have woken up just as Shinra was leaving. He didn't have anything against the brunet; he was just a bit much to deal with first thing in the morning. Shizuo sighed once again, his thoughts drifting to the images of the black-haired man from his dreams. This guy had to be at least a little real… He felt like so much more than a figment of Shizuo's imagination.
Suddenly, the bonde brightened up. Maybe he wasn't just a dream! Or, in other words, maybe this man was real! Shizuo felt himself become somewhat fidgety at the thought. He had lost his memory in an accident a few months back, hadn't he? Maybe he knew this person before. Mood taking a drastic turn for the best, Shizuo entered the dining room where he found Celty sitting at the table.
The headless woman turned towards him, before grabbing her PDA and typing something down. 'Good morning, Shizuo! How are you?'
The blonde bent down to read what she wrote, then decided it would be easier to just sit next to her. Running his fingers threw his hair, Shizuo wondered how he should answer her question and casually bring up the man from his dreams in the same conversation.
"I'm doing fine, thanks for asking," he said sincerely.
'Ah, I'm glad to hear it. Do you have anything planned for today?'
"Actually," Shizuo started, scratching the back of his head, "I was wondering if you could help me out."
Celty straitened her back and turned so that if she had a head, it would be looking at the man beside her. 'What do you need help with?'
"Well, there's this man that I've been seeing in my dreams… pretty much ever since I woke up from my coma," Shizuo started. "I know this sounds silly since I've been reintroduced to everyone who was close to me, but I think I may have known him… before…" By now Shizuo was twiddling his thumbs and looking at his feet. He briefly wondered why it was so hard to talk about stuff like this before the sound of Celty's fingers tapping against the keyboard of her phone interrupted his thoughts.
'What did he look like?' The fairy asked, curious as to whom her friend was talking of.
"Uh… He had black hair and… almost reddish eyes," Shizuo muttered, wrinkling his nose, trying to squeeze every detail of the mystery man's physical appearance out of his memory.
"He was pretty scrawny. I think his skin was kinda pale too. And he was wearing… a coat, I think? Whatever it was, it was black and trimmed with feathers or something. No, wait… maybe it was fur…" Shizuo frowned. He saw it all so clearly just minutes ago! How come the image got all blurry the second he tried to describe it?
"Arg, memories are annoying. Never making any sense…" he complained, half surprised to hear himself refer to his dreams as memories.
"Yeah, it was fur," he decided, resting his head in his hand.
Celty was inwardly panicking, trying not to let it show which was pretty easy considering her lacking a head and all. Shizuo couldn't be talking of him… well… actually, he could. After all, they were mortal enemies, but… She had hoped that Shizuo could keep up his peaceful life if only a little longer. It was all the blonde had ever wanted and it was finally his! Maybe she could just shrug this off and say she doesn't know him… but if he found out she was lying…
'Shizuo, please don't get mad,' she typed hesitantly.
"The hell would I get mad?" The blonde asked, confused.
'Look, I just think it would be best for you to forget about him and move on…'
Reading this, Shizuo's confusion only grew. Move on? What exactly was this man to him? If he even was anything to him, that is. No, he had to have been something to him if Celty was telling him to move on, right? But then, why were they never introduced?
"I don't even know who he is and you're talking about moving on? Look, just tell me what I want to know and stop beating around the bush!"
'I'm not sure if you'll take it well...'
Shizuo's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Celty, less than three months ago I woke up in a hospital bed not remembering anything only to learn that I have superhuman strength, know a chick without a head and have a celebrity brother. And you don't think I'll take something as simple as knowing who this guy is well?" By now Shizuo was growling. Dammit, if things continued the way they were, he was going to lose it. Urging himself to calm, he took a few deep breaths, clenching his fists.
The blonde concluded he had to get some fresh air. He got up from his seat and began walking towards the exit.
"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back later," he mumbled statically, walking towards the door.