Unwanted Savior

Warnings: Other than the m/m and adult/minor warnings that are applicable to pretty much every canon verse fanfic of this pairing, I guess some language. Maybe? Emotional manipulation as well, I think.

Kida remembered blood. He remembered blood and noises. He remembered shouting, and he remembered insults. He remembered that the air felt heavy, the scent of rain mixed with pollution filling the Yellow Scarves' headquarters. But above all, Kida remembered the pain. Excruciating and unbearable pain pounding and pounding his head, making everything – every persons' face, every smell, every sound – blend together in dark red and blinding white.

And then, nothing. His vision went dark. The pain had been overwhelming as he fell to the floor. His mind was blank, drowning all his thoughts in nothing, as if they never existed in the first place, and would never come back again.

It was terrifying. All of this came back to him before he opened his eyes. At first he wondered if he was dead; if the nothingness that had overwhelmed him before had been death, and now he was gone for good. Kida panicked for a single moment before realizing he was laid out on something soft, comfortable, and that his head still hurt, and his limbs felt heavy. Death didn't feel like that, did it? It couldn't. No, this couldn't be it, he couldn't be dead.

Still, his mind was slow, and his body wasn't entirely responsive. Nothing was working right. Not really. It was an odd feeling, knowing you were about to think something, knowing you were putting the pieces together, knowing that there are thirty or three hundred different things that will eventually come to you, all of them lined up in a single file, waiting for you to come to them, but your mind is taking too long to get through everything. It was like watching a video a movie in slow motion, only he was living it. And it was incredibly annoying and frustrating. Could you really grow impatient with yourself? Be angry at your own mind? That was another odd feeling he never thought he would have.

Kida didn't like it at all.

What the hell had happened to him, anyway? Where was he now? How did he get there? What happened after he blacked out? His mind went over each question as if it had all the time in the world.

When his eyes finally did open, all he saw was white. Then a ceiling. It was a familiar ceiling, though he couldn't place it yet. How could a ceiling be familiar? How much time did he spend looking at it in the past to be able to recognize it? It would make more sense to recognize the floor; usually when he was nervous, Kida would looked down, not up, after all. But recognizing the ceiling? That didn't make sense.

He should probably take a look around. His fingers twitched, though his arms still felt far too heavy to lift. Yeah, looking around would be good. Then maybe he'd finally know where the hell he was. But his eyelids were almost closing again, and moving his head seemed like so much effort. Too much effort. His pillow was so comfortable, and the mattress underneath his body was big and soft, embracing him like a cloud while also supporting his back. Kida couldn't remember every laying on anything this comfortable. And his head still hurt. It hurt a lot, actually. The pounding was coming back, and it was everywhere – the back of his head, behind his eyes, on the sides, and in the front. Oh, god, it was hurting so much.

Why did he want to look around again? Why did it matter? He was obviously safe, the bed and pillow were comfortable, the sheets were soft and felt nice on top of him, and his head still hurt, and maybe he could go back to sleep just for a while more and worry about all of this when he woke up again. Maybe then his mind would be feeling like working at a normal speed again. Yeah, that sounded good to him. It sounded perfect, in fact.

"I see you're awake."

That voice changed everything. For a second he couldn't breathe. Something cold ran down his spine, and it must have gotten to his bloodstreams somehow because soon every single inch of him felt cold and frozen. His eyes were wide, chills ran all over his body. His mind was all but blank, formulating one single thought: Run!

Kida tried. As fast as he could, he sat up, his heavy arms finally moving again. Then dark dots started to cloud his vision and the room started spinning and, oh god, he felt like puking but he didn't have time for that. He needed to get away. He needed to force his body to get its shit together and start working properly right now because he didn't have time for healing. He needed to get away and get away fast! Run and not look back! Run! Run now!

"Easy now," he spoke again. Kida's vision was still blurry, still dark, but he could hear him approaching and no, no, no, he had to get away. Get away, get away, get away from him! "Easy. You took a nasty blow to the head. You had to have a few stitches and were out for quite a while there. Shinra said you should remain in bed for a few days longer, maybe even a week, just to be on the safe side."

Kida felt the mattress dip on the right next to him, and only now did he realize that he was laying on a king size bed.

"G-Get away from me!"

His voice was hoarse, and it hurt his throat to speak. But he still managed to say his first words pretty loudly, which would have made him proud if he wasn't so desperate to get away. As his vision came back into focus Kida pushed himself against the headboard. He brought his legs closer to him and, wow, those felt incredibly heavy too – like dead weights. How would he run with them? No, it didn't matter. He'd lie on the ground and use his arms to drag himself all the way to his apartment if he had to.

Kida would do anything to get away from Izaya.

"Will you calm down, Masaomi-kun?" Izaya's tone was as smooth as always, but Kida could detect a slight hint of irritation "Moving around too much won't do you any good right now."

It will do a lot more good than staying anywhere near you, bastard, he thought.

But instead of saying that, Kida asked, "Why am I here?"

Now he knew why he recognized the ceiling: he was in Izaya's room, sleeping in Izaya's bed.

Honestly, Kida would rather be dead on the bloody ground back in the dirty and abandoned warehouse instead.

"You got hurt when facing Horada and his men," Izaya answered. "You'd probably be dead if Dotachin hadn't shown up to help."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Kida finally turned to look at him. Izaya had that usual infuriating smile on his face, his eyes looking at him with amusement and curiosity. But there was something wrong with his appearance. His hair looked messy, and there dark bags under his eyes. Despite the smile, his brows were knitted slightly in… Was that concern?

Yeah, right. The thought itself was ridiculous; Izaya Orihara didn't care about anyone.

So why did he look like that?

Kida tried to shake the thought away. "Why am I here? In your apartment, your room… In your bed?"

Izaya's smile didn't waver.

"Dotachin wasn't the only one who showed up to your rescue, Masaomi-kun," he said.

That only succeeded in further confusing him.

"What?"

Izaya sighed and leaned back against the headboard. He swung his legs so they were now on top of the bed. Kida didn't even try to hide his discomfort, moving away from the man. That's when he noticed the IV attached to his left arm.

"It's so you remain hydrated, even though you were unconscious. Shinra set up everything so you could stay here until you recovered," Izaya answered the unasked question. "He comes to check on you twice a day, just to make sure you're stable. In fact, he'll probably want to come over now that you're awake. Everything's already paid for, of course."

Again, Kida couldn't think of any response other than: "What?"

"So you wouldn't have to go to the hospitalm" Izaya explained as he reached for his phone. "Too much hassle, too much paperwork, too many questions. None of which is good in our line of business. I figured it'd be more convenient to be taken care of quietly."

"Our line of business?" Kida asked. Izaya didn't look at him, instead paying attention to the screen of his phone as he typed a message "What do you mean by that? I'm not the same as you, Izaya-san!"

Izaya laughed. Kida wanted to punch him in the face. He probably would if his arms didn't hurt and if Izaya wasn't the most terrifying man he had ever encountered. Still, punching him was a nice thought. He could definitely relate to Shizuo Heiwajima in that aspect.

"Really? Well, I'll admit we're definitely two very different people. I don't think you'd be that interesting to me if we were alike," Izaya paused. "But we are in the same business, Masaomi-kun. We both live in the shadows of Ikebukuro, after all."

Kida felt like he wanted to puke again, but this time for an entire different reason. His first instinct was to deny Izaya's claim; he had walked away from that life long ago, after the incident with Saki. He was a normal high school student now – one who flirted with girls, and worried about school and grades, and gossiped about things he read online. He had washed his hands clean of the darkness of this city, left all behind him to live in the light with Mikado and Anri.

But the bloody yellow scarf on top of the nightstand – no doubt the bastard put that there on purpose – and the injury to his head proved him wrong.

"I'm only here because you dragged me back into this," he said instead.

Izaya raised an eyebrow, his smile widened, "Is that what you want to tell yourself?"

"It's the truth!" he said. "I keep thinking this city is going to swallow me whole, going to devour me until there is nothing left… but it's not the city, is it? It's you! Everything bad that happened in my life happened because of you! You are the reason why I can't get away from… From all this!"

"You're right."

For the third time since waking up, Kida felt completely lost, and a bit stunned, "I'm… What? You agree with me?"

"Yes. But not for the reasons you think," Izaya said. "You're right in saying that the reason you can't get away from all this is because of me. You're not like your dear friend Mikado. It's not the danger that lures you back to the dark side of Ikebukuro, Masaomi-kun. At least not entirely – after all, once you had a taste of this life it's impossible to go back to normal, don't you think? But no, that's not the main reason why you keep coming back to this, why you put that yellow scarf back on. It's not the reason why you came back."

"I came back to save Mikado and Anri!" he said. "I wanted to keep them safe!"

"Is that so?" Izaya said "Is that really the truth you want to go with?"

Yes. That's what Kida wanted to say. That's the truth, he knew it. Mikado and Anri were the whole reason why he willingly stepped back into his old role, why he tied that scarf around his neck once more. Kida was certain of it. He knew it to be true, he knew it better than he knew anything else. That's why he went to face Horada in the first place, right? That's why he had been willing to die. It was because he wanted to keep Mikado and Anri safe. That was the truth, the only truth.

But as usual, Izaya had a way to make twist reality, and for a moment Kida wasn't so sure anymore. Hadn't he just said before that Izaya was the cause of it all? That Izaya was the reason why kept coming back? That he dragged him back into this life? So how could now claim that he did it because of Mikado and Anri?

He hesitated, and by Izaya's smirk, the man knew he had him trapped.

"It is," he tried to put all his conviction into his voice, but found it that even to his own ears he sounded uncertain. "It is. I came back to save Mikado and Anri. To protect them. And… And the reason they needed protection is because… It's because you couldn't leave us alone! It's because you orchestrated whatever this whole thing was! Yes… Yes, that's it! That's why they were in danger, and that's why I came back! It's... It's because you dragged me here! It's because of you!"

It sounded better in his head. The logic seemed sound, but as he spoke, he could hear his uncertainties, his confusion as he tried to piece everything together to find the real truth and… Oh, man, did his head hurt. Why did his head have to hurt so much? Why were they doing this while mind was still so frustratingly slow?

"I'm not going to deny any of that," Izaya said. He still had a smile on his face, one that made Kida want to reach for the blankets and wrap himself up in a cocoon to keep the chills away. "I did plan this entire thing, and I did do it with you mind. But you are forgetting one important detail, Masaomi-kun: You walked back into my arms willingly."

His heart stopped.

"No," he said. Izaya continued to look at him, with that same smile, his eyes burning him like flames. "No. No, you're wrong! You're wrong! I would never—"

"'Never'…? 'Never' what? Ask for my help willingly?" his tone was infuriating. He had that smile on, teasing him, and they were so close now. When had he gotten so close? When had Izaya leaned forward?

"I wouldn't! Not after you tricked me! Not after that first time! Not after Saki!"

"Really?" Izaya leaned away, but Kida didn't feel like he could breathe any easier "Then why did you go face Horada?"

"T-To save Mikado," his voice sounded shaky. He clung to the bed sheets, as if they could give him the strength and confidence he needed. He went there for Mikado and Anri. "To protect him! That's why?"

"Ready to die if needed, correct?"

"Of course! I… I would do anything for Mikado! Anything!"

"Which is why you contacted me," Izaya concluded. "You were oh so desperate to protect your precious little Mikado that you were even willing to seek me out again."

Kida was shaking. He could feel himself shaking. Not just his hands, not just his breath, or his lips. His entire body was shaking. He felt the shaking inside of him. As if all his organs were trembling, the tremor spreading to his bones, his ribs, his heart, and his veins, and, oh man, how could everything be shaking at once? How could he feel all of that?

Was there any way to stop it?

"No…" it was a mere whisper. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. "No… It's different. It's…"

"It's not. You came to me, Masaomi-kun. And it's because of the information I gave you that you went off on your own that night, so ready to throw your life away."

"It's different!" Kida insisted. It had to be different. It had to! "It's different! I wanted to save Mikado! I wanted to protect Anri! It's… It's not the same as before! If they weren't in danger, then—"

"You would have still come to me. Perhaps not that night. Perhaps not for another few weeks. Maybe even a month or two. But in the end, you'd still have come to me. You always do."

The shaking was getting worse. Kida couldn't bring himself to look at the man. He stared straight ahead, though his mind didn't register the stitched blue lining on the white sheets, or how the navy velvet comforter smelled like lavender.

It couldn't be true. No, it wasn't true. Izaya was just manipulating him again, just using his tricks. Yes, that's what it was. Izaya was trying to play with him, trying to pull him into another one of his games. That's all that it was.

Except… Except a small part of Kida knew Izaya was right. It was the same part that knew that no matter how hard he tried, he'd never be able to keep the man off his life. Izaya would always be lurking there, always with him, always behind him, ready to pull him back to the shadows he so desperately tried to escape.

"no…" a weak whimper.

"Yes," Izaya said. He reached across from Kida, grabbing the yellow scarf from the nightstand. "Because just as this scarf calls to you, so do I. Just as you can never escape the darkness of this city, you will always come back to me. No matter where you go, how fast you run, or for how long you stay away, in the end, you'll always come back to the only place you truly belong. The place that raised, that gave you power and freedom… The place that turned you into what you are now," Kida turned towards him. He saw the man smiling, his red eyes brilliant. His hands were stretched, gently meeting behind Kida's neck, tying the yellow scarf around his neck. Then they slowly fell to Kida's chest, almost as if caressing him. "And that place is with me."

Kida wasn't sure which came first, the sob or the tears, but as soon as IZaya said those words, he started to cry.

It was true. It was all true. Every single word was true and he hated it. He hated it so much. He could never escape, not really. He tried to fool himself, tried to pretend. He tried to live a lie. That's all that it was. Those times with Mikado and Anri – pretending to be a normal high school boy, to be stuck in a love triangle, pretending that nothing bad ever happened… Pretending was all it was. It was all a big lie he told not only the two most important people in his world, but also to himself.

He must have been one damn good liar, because until now, part of him honestly believed that there was something genuine about that life.

And yet here he was. Dragged down to the shadows again, brought back this world he tried so hard to run from. And he had no one to blame but himself. He was chained to this life, chained to it forever, and Izaya – the sick bastard who destroyed him – was the only guiding light who could support him, who could lead him through it all.

There was no escape. There never would be any escape. He belonged here and that was the truth he never wanted to see.

Warm arms encircled him. Kida stopped crying almost immediately. He could smell warm lemon tea and lavender – was that the scent of his fabric softener? It was odd, thinking of Izaya using something as domestic as lavender scented fabric softener – on the cotton shirt. The arms were firm, strong from lean and well-toned muscles that were probably almost impossible to notice underneath the clothes. Izaya's chest felt… oddly comfortable… Welcoming, even. One hand started to caress his hair.

It was weird. His brain felt like goo, unable to process what was going on. His first instinct was to pull away. Again, he felt the need to run, the panic and terror that always overwhelmed him when in the presence of the informant. His body refused to respond, though, stiff and unmoving, as shocked as his mind.

No escape, he thought. There's only one place I belong.

And then, he started to relax. No escape… With every second the panic seemed to diminish. He didn't feel like moving anymore. Only one place he belonged… Suddenly, being in those arms was comforting, warm, and everything Kida had ever wanted. He couldn't explain. A part of his mind – the rational one, the one that remembered all that had happened between him and this man in the past – screamed at him to run away. It told him to yank the IV from his arm and just run from the apartment, run as fast as he could but not come back.

But those screams were drowned by the smell of lavender and the feel of the black cotton shirt.

Before Kida knew, he, too, was embracing the man, breathing in his scent.

"And I'm the same," Izaya spoke, his voice oddly quiet.

Kida looked up at him, frowning in confusion.

"Just as you keep coming back to me, I keep coming back to you, my favorite human."

"Your favorite… is that why you keep doing this to me? Why you keep playing with me?" Kida could feel his anger coming back. He unwrapped his arms from around Izaya and started to pull away, but the man didn't allow him "Is that why you are so set on ruining my life? On getting me killed?"

Izaya looked at him, both amused and frustrated.

"Get you killed? Masaomi-kun, do you know where you are?"

"In your room. You told me that already. You told me that–"

"That you got hurt. Nearly killed. And now you are here. Shinra took care of your injuries, stabilized your condition," Izaya paused. "But who do you think saved you, Masaomi-kun?"

"Kadota… You said… You said he jumped in to fight Horada and…"

"And how do you suppose I know all of that?" Izaya didn't wait for him to answer. "I was there, Masaomi-kun. After the fight broke out, after you passed out, I got you out of there."

Kida wished he hadn't passed out. Maybe then he'd be able to tell if Izaya was lying to him or not.

"But… But why?"

"Why? I told you why," Izaya said. "You're my favorite human, Masaomi-kun. I knew exactly what you planned to do, and I couldn't allow you to go through with it."

"Why?" Kida repeated. "So you could play with me again? Make me part of another big scheme?"

"No."

And before Kida could ask for him to elaborate, Izaya kissed him.

If Kida thought his brain was working in slow motion before, it was nothing compared to this. His mind was blank, completely clear of any thoughts, emotions, or anything at all.

It was a different nothing from when he passed out before, though. That time, there had truly been nothing, as if his entire being had stopped existing until the moment he woke up in his room. Even the pain was gone. But now… While he couldn't think, and his emotions were as unresponsive as his mind, he could definitely feel everything else. That was all he could do: Feel. Feel everything far too well; the softness of Izaya's lips, how warm they were, and how they tasted faintly like grapes. He felt how those lips perfectly aligned with his own chappy ones, how sweet they felt when pressed together, how it was the most innocent, comforting, and loving kiss Kida had ever received. How it was completely unexpected that he should receive it from Izaya.

And how right it all felt.

Before his mind could even begin consider spinning a few gears so Kida could think of his next course of action, Izaya pulled away. Kida opened his eyes, only then realizing that he had closed them, and only now registering that Izaya's right hand was holding his chin, tilting his head up so their eyes could meet.

Kida could feel Izaya's hot breath against his lip. They were so close. One of Izaya's other hand brushed some blond strands behind Kida's ears. Kida could feel his cheeks heating up, the gesture feeling incredibly intimate.

"Don't assume things about other people, Masaomi-kun," Izaya's voice still had that teasing tone, his lips still twisted into that infuriating mocking smile, and his red eyes still looked at him as if they could read his every thought. And yet, somehow, it all felt different now. "You may be a great leader and a great fighter, but you're not that great at reading people."

Kida could only stare. Distantly – in a distance that felt worlds away – he heard the doorbell ring.

"That must be Shinra," Izaya stood up and walked towards the door. "I'll be right back."

He left, leaving Kida alone, and more confused than ever.

The end! This was incredibly easy and fast to write. I had a lot of fun writing it, even if Izaya did feel ooc towards the end. Then I began reading it and rereading it to edit it and it felt boring and I lost all the confidence I had in this piece. But it's the first Izaya/Kida I managed to finish (I have three or four others still being written, and nine other one shots planned), so I felt like I should still post it. Oh well. I hope it was at least a little bit enjoyable!