Coda to episode 5.4
Castiel went in guns blazing, trying to forget that Dean and past-Dean were facing down Lucifer. He knew this was a distraction, that he was a distraction, but he didn't care. Lucifer needed to die.
Castiel could die for that cause. He'd done it before, hadn't he?
Gradually their party was cut down from seven, to five, to three two and then Castiel was the only one left. He killed the last of the Croats in the room, eying the demons that ringed the edges of the apartment. They nodded for him to move into the next room over. Narrowing his eyes in suspicion, he edged past them, and when they made no move to jump him, he ran through each area, trying to find both Deans. Looking out a window he saw now-Dean confronting Lucifer, Lucifer saying something in return. Cursing under his breath, he jumped down the stairs three at a time. Knowing it was reckless, knowing he could easily break something, but also knowing that something bad was coming, knowing that he had to get there now.
Coming out a back door, he saw past-Dean vanish into the air. Knowing that he had been sent back to his own time, he took a step forward, towards Lucifer, looking for now-Dean.
And then he saw him.
No. The word echoed through his head, trying to deny it. He felt his breath stutter, his heart beat jump and falter, knowing that his whole world had ended.
Dean was dead.
He didn't even know how he got to his side, how he leant over and pressed his face into Dean's chest, breathing in the scent of him, tears sliding down his face. Nonononononono… the word echoed through his head, denial, but he knew it was true.
Dean was dead.
"Now brother, that's hardly appropriate behaviour is it?"
Castiel slowly raised his head to look up at Lucifer, who was standing there smirking slightly in Sam's body. The wrongness of the situation rose in Castiel, that Dean was dead, that Sam had indirectly killed him, that Castiel was still alive to see this. It was sickeningly horribly terribly wrong.
"Although you were in love with him. Everyone but Dean could see it. They all felt sorry for you of course. Who wouldn't? Loving a completely straight, complete womanizer like Dean when you were in a man's body, when he only thought of you as a friend."
Castiel felt a lump rising in his throat. He couldn't have said anything if he had tried, but he had no rebuttals against Lucifer's words. They were all true, and yet Castiel had continued to love Dean even as he knew that nothing could come of it.
More tears slipped down his face.
"I had my demons let you through just so you could see this. I knew that it would tip you over. But really, I just wanted to talk to another angel. It's been quite depressing and boring since they left hasn't it? Taking over the world's a bit tedious when you have no opposition.
What I don't understand is why you stayed. I mean, they talked to you and told you that you could come back to Heaven with them, no questions asked, no repercussions. A full powered angel again. And yet you turned it down. For this man. Really, could you have sunk any lower, chose anyone worse?"
Castiel did not have anything else to say to this either. He knew that loving Dean was possibly the worst choice he had ever made, but he had done nothing to stop himself from falling for him, both figuratively and literally.
Dean had taught him how to choose, and Castiel had chosen Dean.
"Really? Nothing to say?"
"Kill me brother." Castiel whispered hoarsely.
Because without Dean, what did Castiel have to live for?