Lulu sat on the docks after visiting Carly, not knowing what to do. She'd been thinking in circles for hours, feeling even worse each time her thoughts returned to the beginning. She went from thinking about Maxie's treatment of poor Felicia during the funeral to her own behavior over the past year. Spinelli had told Mack and Felicia that Georgie was his dearest friend. That was how Lulu thought of Spinelli. She couldn't blame him for not considering her the same way anymore. Georgie had been a true friend to him, where Lulu only treated him like a friend when he didn't disagree with her. She had been so unfair to him lately. Suddenly having a desperate need to see him, she stood up and headed for her car.
Jason opened the door to Lulu. Max was standing behind him expectantly; apparently they were having a meeting.
"I'm sorry," Lulu said. "I was looking for Spinelli."
"he's upstairs."
"Is he OK?"
"No, I don't think so; he says he is, but-"
"Did he tell you what happened at the funeral?"
Jason nodded and motioned for Lulu to go upstairs.
Spinelli sat on his bed, staring into space as memories of Georgie flooded his mind.
"Thank you," she had said when he'd handed her the box of chocolates. "That's very Forrest Gump of you."
"Do you want the big strawberry?" he had asked when they shared the waffles.
"No, I'll just have some of this whipped cream."
"You're the best."
"I know," she had said as they both laughed.
"Spinelli," she had told him when he had told her about telling Jason about how Logan had beaten him up and forced a kiss on Lulu, "you can't make someone love you by eliminating the competition."
She had been right, and he had known that. Spinelli hadn't wanted Logan dead, just out of Port Charles. He hadn't meant for Stone Cold to hurt The Crabby Commando, just to scare him into leaving Lulu alone before he could hurt her again.
It hadn't worked. She had become furious with him and their friendship hadn't been the same since. Even after The Unworthy One had broken her heart, she had chosen him again.
There was so much he wanted to tell Lulu. Stone Cold was busy. Spinelli didn't really know Nadine enough to confide in her. He had confided his deepest feelings in Georgie, but now his Faithful Friend was gone.
Stone Cold and The Blonde One were the only friends he had left, aside from his still blossoming friendship with Nurse Nadine. Stone Cold was in a meeting with Milo's brother and Lulu was avoiding him because he had tried to get her to admit that she had feelings for the Septic Son.
He was always honest with her and he wished she would be honest with him instead of getting angry with him and then avoiding him for days or weeks at a time. She had been angry with him before, but she had never used Logan to force him to go away before.
There was a huge hole in his life now. Before, when Lulu wanted him gone, he could confide in Georgie. She had never pushed him away or gotten angry with him for his feelings. Now his only source of comfort and true friendship, other than Stone Cold, was gone. He had never felt so alone in his life.
"Some people have to follow their heart, even if it leads them into disaster," she had told him once.
Georgie had definitely done that. She had gone into the park alone to meet the man who wanted to kill her sister and had become his victim instead. Spinelli's feelings of guilt came to the surface again. She had come to him for help with finding information on Cooper, but when she had needed him, he hadn't been there. Over the past few days, he had to fight to keep his most vivid memory of her from being the last one, finding her dead in the park. He didn't want that to be the memory that came to the surface every time he thought of his Faithful Friend. He knew he needed to deal with it, but he didn't know how. He couldn't shake the guilt, the feeling that if he had been more like Stone Cold, Georgie would still be alive. She would have come to him for help and he would have stopped the killer before he could claim Georgie as his next victim.
Stone Cold had said it wasn't his fault, that he had not failed Georgie. Spinelli wished he could believe that. Staring at the wall in his regrettably pink room, he didn't really see it. He was seeing his friend's face as each memory replayed itself in his mind. Just as he found himself again having to force away the memory of the cord around her neck, of him trying to revive her, then Mack and Lucky implying that he had been the one to kill her, there was a knock at his bedroom door.
"Spinelli," Lulu said quietly, "it's me."
He jumped up gratefully and opened the door. She pulled him into a hug, which he was glad to return.
"Need a friend?" she asked gently.
He nodded. Keeping one arm around her, he closed the door and led her to the bed, sitting next to her.
"I listened during the funeral," she began, "when Maxie told you how you were Georgie's best friend and how you really understood her, and I realized something. Georgie was a better friend to you in the past few months than I've been since we met."
"Why would you think you were not a good friend to me?"
"Spinelli, I've been horrible to you. How many times have I gotten mad at you for being honest with me? How many times have I forced you into this come here go away dance where I start to talk to you about something and then push you away when you tell me something I don't wanna hear?"
Spinelli didn't answer. He could think of several times she had done those things, but didn't want to bring them up now. He would let her talk because she obviously needed to say this, but he wouldn't say anything to encourage her to berate herself.
"The truth is, you're always honest with me and you try to make me be honest with myself and when I don't want to, I make you feel bad; I make you feel like you've done something wrong. What I did to you when you were trying to get me to admit that I had feelings for Johnny was so infantile! I was such a brat to throw Logan in your face like that. You knew what I was doing, too, didn't you?"
It was more of a statement than a question. Spinelli nodded.
"I knew Logan's being there would make you leave, and you knew I knew that. I was the one who brought up the subject in the first place but you were trying to get me to admit something to you that I didn't even wanna admit to myself."
"I'm sorry; I-"
"No, Spinelli, that's my point; you're not the one who did something wrong. It all comes back to your honesty. You try so hard to help me; you're such a good friend, even when I don't deserve it and I just keep walking all over you. I had a talk, more like an argument, with my dad before the service. He needs to have surgery and he was seriously thinking about not having it."
Spinelli's look of concern broke her heart. He had just lost his friend, he was grieving, and he was worried about her and her father.
"He's afraid he'll be an old man if he has the surgery. He's afraid he won't be able to live his life on his terms because he's having a quadruple bypass."
"I can see his point," Spinelli said cautiously, "but if the surgery will save his life-"
"It's OK; I convinced him to have it. But I was sitting on the docks after the funeral, trying to absorb everything that's happened since the ball, and I kept thinking about the question I asked him that finally convinced him to have the operation. I asked him if I didn't matter to him. I wanted, I needed, to know if Lucky and I weren't enough reason for him to live. For whatever reasons, Felicia left her kids and that was why Maxie acted the way she did at the funeral."
"Wise Georgie spoke often of her mother, but she never displayed hatred or resentment. She was proud of her mother and knew there had to be a logical explanation for her absence. Part of me understands where Maxie was coming from, but the rest of me is furious that she would so blatantly disregard Georgie's feelings about their mother, today of all days, and attack her so viciously when she was supposed to be honoring her sister. The eulogy was supposed to be Georgie's farewell, not Maxie's revenge speech."
"Maxie can't let go of the fact that she doesn't think she and Georgie mattered enough to her. She thinks Felicia left because being a spy was more important to her than being a mother. I had the same feelings towards my dad and sometimes I still do; that was why I needed to know if his kids mattered enough for him to stay alive. Tell me honestly, Spinelli, and please don't spare my feelings. Do you ever wonder that about me?"
He looked at her blankly.
"Do you ever wonder if I don't think you matter? Do I ever make you feel like I don't really care?"
He spoke haltingly, choosing his words carefully."
"I know you care; that's never been an issue. It's not exactly me that I don't think matters to you; it's my opinions, my advice. There are times when I wonder if my feelings matter to you. You ask for advice, but it feels like you usually know what you wanna do already and you're gonna do that, regardless of what I think. You have a mind of your own and that's admirable, but you also have a very distressing, honestly frightening habit of intentionally putting yourself in danger. I know your cool but intimidating parental unit does the same, but there are times when it feels like you do just the opposite of what I advise you to do just to prove you can."
"I do," she said, "but it's not just you, Spinelli; I do that with everyone. That's another bad habit I inherited, not only from my dad, but from Carly. Not doing what I'm told is a knee jerk reaction."
"You have no idea how scared I was for you when you wanted to try to go after the Demented Denison of Darkness. That was one of the times when I wondered if the feelings of anyone who cared about you mattered. I know the people do, but sometimes it feels like our feelings don't, as long as you get to do whatever you want, even if it's dangerous and potentially fatal."
"Why don't you ever allow yourself to get angry with me?"
He looked at her in surprise.
"You said once that you could never be angry with me, but that's just not possible. It's impossible and unhealthy never to be angry with someone. If I know you, and I think I know you pretty well by now, you channel your anger until you either become hurt or worried about me rather than angry with me. Why don't you allow yourself to express your anger instead of turning it into something else?"
He was silent for a moment.
"I don't wanna lose you," he said quietly.
"Is that what you think is gonna happen?"
She was shocked.
"You think if you get angry with me I'm gonna stop being your friend?"
"Sometimes when you ask me to do your aptly named come here go away dance I wonder if I've pushed things too far and you won't ask me to dance again. I'm afraid the last go away step will literally be the last and you'll wash your hands of me because I said or did something you can't forgive."
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about this?"
She was horrified. She had obviously hurt him more than even she knew. She should have known better. He didn't have many friends. Most people wouldn't give him a second look, except to criticize him for being different, unique. He didn't conform, so most people ostracized him and said he was weird. Only Jason, Lulu, Georgie and maybe Nadine and Mike knew Spinelli for the person he really was; sweet, compassionate, loyal, ever helpful.
"I was afraid of your reaction."
"I can't blame you," she said sadly. "I've never given you a reason to think I would consider your feelings; I mean, I never have before."
She started to cry, horrifying him. He couldn't stand to see her cry.
"But I don't wanna hurt you, Spinelli. I've never wanted to hurt you."
"I know," he said softly, putting his arm around her shoulders.
"I wanna be a better friend, a better person. I wanna be more like Georgie. I know I can't replace her, but I can learn from her. She never hurt you, did she?"
It was another statement, not a question. He shook his head, feeling his own eyes prickling.
"I could be myself with her and she was fine with it. She thought I was special."
"She knew you were special and so do I; so does Jason. Nadine must, too, because she went to the ball with you. I know I don't act like it, but I know you for who you are. You're the best friend I'll ever have and I know that even when I'm shoving you away. I'm so sorry for doing that, and I know I've said that a thousand times, but I really am. I'm gonna do my best never to do that again, but I need you to help me."
"How?"
"Total honesty, like just now; I need you to tell me when I'm being childish or unfair. I need you to take me off this pedestal and get angry with me when I start the dance again. Pedestals set people up to fail, even if that's not what they're meant to do. The person on it fails and the person who puts them on it gets hurt."
"Georgie said something similar once. I said you had already exceeded all expectations."
"Then you must not have had very high expectations to begin with."
He said nothing. She looked at his face and saw that he wasn't sure whether to be scared that she was angry or if he should try to comfort her.
"Seriously, Spinelli, I've been a horrible friend to you. No one who treats you the way I have deserves to be put on a pedestal. But if we're gonna have an honest friendship, I need you to take me off it and you need to take me off. We need to be able to communicate and neither of us can do that affectively if you don't be honest with both of us about how you're feeling. The pedestal not only makes you lie to me, but to yourself. It's not intentional, but it is a lie."
He thought about it for a while, then nodded.
"I'll try to be more honest when I get mad at you if you promise to stop the dance when I tell you. I-"
He broke off. An image of Georgie lying in the snow had popped into his head. It came to him when he least expected it when he was awake and plagued his dreams when he was asleep.
She looked more closely at his face, which had suddenly gone pale.
"Are you OK? What's wrong?"
"I can't have you pushing me away again," he said in a choked voice. "I've already lost one friend. I can't-"
His voice broke and she saw that he was fighting back tears.
"You're not gonna lose me!"
She pulled him into a fierce hug. His arms went around her and she was suddenly struck, due to the tightness of his grip, by how desperately he had needed her to be here for the last few days. She had been a selfish spoiled little brat to neglect him just for trying to be the good friend he was. She hated herself for trying to punish him for his honesty.
"I failed her."
If she hadn't been so close to him, she wouldn't have heard him.
"Why would you think that?"
He explained about tracing the first text message Georgie had gotten from the killer, leaving out the parts about Cooper. They had no real proof yet and he didn't want to put Lulu in danger by casting suspicion on Coop before they could catch him. He didn't want to put her on Cooper's radar. Then he told her about finding Georgie in the park.
Lulu hadn't known Spinelli had been the one to find Georgie. She thought for a second about asking why he hadn't called her, but then realized he wouldn't have. She had been avoiding him for the last couple of weeks, not wanting to discuss Johnny. She had been doing the go away part of the dance, so he had stayed away because that was what she'd expected him to do. He waited for her to come back to him so he wouldn't seem pesky or desperate. He hadn't felt like he could call her because she had cast him aside again.
She didn't interrupt him; she knew that talking about it was the only way he could begin to come to terms with it. He told her everything, from finding Georgie in the snow and trying to revive her to when the cops had finally let him go.
Lulu pushed her fury at Lucky for his treatment of her friend to the back of her mind for now. Spinelli's feelings were what mattered now; she would deal with hers later. She was angry for him, both that he had to be the one to find his friend dead in the snow and that Lulu's own brother had tried to bully him into confessing to a crime he would never commit.
She knew why Lucky had done it, too. It wasn't because he wanted to find Georgie's murderer, but because he hated Jason and Spinelli was Jason's friend. He wanted to punish Spinelli for something Jason and Elizabeth had done before Spinelli had known any of them.
"I should have been there," he said, starting to cry. "She needed me and I let her down. I couldn't-"
She pulled his head to her shoulder, holding it with one hand and rubbing his back with the other.
"I couldn't save her."
"There was nothing you could have done. There was no way you could have known she would go into that park alone to meet the killer. You did everything you could for Georgie, but no one could have saved her."
"If I'd been there-"
"The killer might have killed you, too, to keep you quiet. I could have lost you."
"If I'd been more like Stone cold, she would have come to me for protection instead of just my cyber skills."
"Your cyber skills were what she needed to trace the message. She didn't know she was gonna need protection. She was the Police Commissioner's daughter. Maybe she thought she'd be able to talk him down, or take him by surprise."
"You think she didn't ask me for help outside cyberspace because she didn't think she needed help?"
She nodded.
"She knew you would have done anything to help her, in or out of cyberspace."
"I hope so," he said softly.
"I know, too. You would do anything to help a friend, even if it means knocking one of them out to keep them from committing suicide by going after a madman."
He took a deep breath and looked at her with pleading eyes.
"Speaking of that," he began cautiously, "I need you to be careful. The Text Message Killer is still at large and we don't know who his next target will be. He doesn't seem to have a pattern. I mean, at first it seemed he was going after people connected to Stone Cold and Mr. Corinthos, Sir, but when he went after Maxie that was proven to be an incorrect hypothesis. Please, I'm begging you to proceed with extra caution." He went on quickly, as if afraid she would blow up at him and purposely go after the killer herself. "I'm not saying you shouldn't live normally; I just-"
"You want me to be aware of the danger."
He nodded. She felt him relax.
"You know I always keep my word, right?"
He nodded again.
"I give you my word, as my most trusted and loyal friend, that I have no intention of putting myself in a dangerous situation. Either Jason or the cops will catch the Text Message Killer. I have no delusions of being able to draw him out and trying to catch him myself. The last thing any of us needs is more trouble, and I'm not gonna make the people I love sit through another funeral. I'm praying there won't be another one, but if there is, it won't be mine if I have anything to say about it. I'll drive where I need to and I won't be alone if I can help it. I'll keep my cell phone fully charged and in easy reach at all times."
She held his eyes, letting him see the sincere promise, letting him know she wasn't humoring him.
"You're not gonna lose me," she said again. "I promise."
She began to rub his shoulders and felt the tension slowly leave them.
"You look so tired."
"Bad dreams," he said simply.
"I know this has been horrible for you. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you before now. I've been really selfish."
"You've got a lot going on with your family."
"That's no excuse, especially since-"
She hesitated. She didn't want to make him feel worse by bringing up Logan and Johnny.
"What? Did something happen?"
She felt him tense up again. He was beginning to worry. The last thing he needed was something more to worry about.
"No, my family's fine, except that my dad's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. This is more- Normal? Mundane? You're better with words than I am."
He smiled for the first time since he'd found Georgie. It was a sad, tired smile, but Lulu was glad to see it. She could feel the affection behind it.
"Well, tell me the situation and maybe I can help you find the right word to describe it."
She suddenly realized she hadn't heard him refer to himself as The Jackal once since Georgie's funeral. She knew her death would change him, but she began to wonder how much. She had gotten used to his speech patterns; they were a part of him. She hoped the tragic events of the past week would not change his basic nature, his overall personality. She knew there was no way he could maintain the innocence he'd had before, not after such a profound loss, but she hoped he would always be able to retain at least a small part of it. His innocence was part of his sweetness and charm.
"This is kind of a sensitive subject with you and me, so if you don't wanna talk about it, just let me know. We don't have to; the last thing you need right now is-"
"Please, I'll talk about anything normal right now. Besides, we need honest communication, right?"
She smiled.
She nodded, then paused, thinking how to begin.
"You were right; I do have feelings for Johnny. We're friends and that's part of it. I do feel sorry for him because of the way he grew up, but like I said at Kelly's, he did choose this life after trying to get away from it forever. He's made his own choices. The thing is, I think Logan suspects that I have feelings for him, too. I know we could never be together and right now I don't even want that with Johnny; I'm just his friend. But he's pushing me away for my own good. Logan knew I lied to him about where I was going, though, and I did the same thing with him that I do with you; I got all defensive and made it seem like he was doing something wrong."
"Were you thinking of pursuing a relationship with the- with Johnny?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I was thinking of playing it by ear. I mean, Carly and Sonny managed it."
"But they've been married and divorced at least three times."
"You have a point."
"What about The Sim- what about Logan?"
She hid her half smile, thinking that he hadn't changed that much. He was being careful with her, but his thoughts about Johnny and Logan were still coming through loud and clear. She couldn't blame him for disliking both of them for different reasons. Some of them were logical; some of them were purely emotional. But he was entitled to his opinions and feelings and she was going to do her best to remember that from now on and be considerate of his right to express himself.
"I'm really trying with Logan. I know it doesn't seem like it considering my behavior with Johnny, but I really am. I was looking for a reason to get back with Logan before Scott offered to give back my mom's guardianship to Nikolas; you knew that before I did. No, that's wrong; you knew it before I was willing to admit it to myself, let alone you or anyone else, just like my feelings for Johnny. Logan has a right to be mad that I lied to him, but he lied to me, too, for months."
"But you're trying to get past that, aren't you?"
"That's the key word; we're trying to get past it."
"But you can't do that if you're trying to pursue a relationship with Johnny."
"I know," she said with a frustrated sigh. "That's the problem. I don't even know if I want a relationship with Johnny. I'd like to be his friend, but I don't know if I want a romantic involvement. At the same time, I do wanna try again with Logan. I wanna give him the fair second chance I promised."
He looked at her cautiously.
"Hear me out fully before you react?"
She nodded.
"Wise Georgie said once that people have to follow their own heart, even if it leads them straight into disaster. You did that with Logan the first time and he hurt you. That time your heart did lead you into disaster. His act of betrayal led you to hitchhike, leading you to meet Johnny. He's never hurt you." He paused, then asked, "has he?" in a tone that said that if he had The Jackal would make him pay dearly."
"No," she said, smiling affectionately. "Well, yeah, but not the way Logan did, and not physically. He did the same thing I did to you, only for a good reason. He pushed me away to protect me. He doesn't wanna see me anymore."
"I can't honestly say I disagree with that."
"I can't honestly say I do either. I told him I was trying to stay out of trouble for my family's sake, but I guess I'm not doing a very good job of keeping that promise if I'm trying to see him, as a friend or otherwise."
He didn't say it, but he was glad she realized that. Maybe the realization would be enough to keep her from acting on her more dangerous impulses, at least for a while.
"You followed your heart and Logan broke it. Now it needs to protect itself. Do you think maybe you're lying to him and trying to pursue an- association- with Johnny because you're trying to hurt Logan before he hurts you again?"
She seriously thought about his question. He watched her face, relieved that she was not getting angry.
"Yeah," she said, startled. "I hadn't thought about it, but you're right. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. That's so wrong! I mean, I told him I would try, but I can't really be trying if I'm trying to hurt him first, right?"
"It wasn't intentional; you didn't even realize you were doing it until now."
"I know, but what kind of a relationship is that? I mean, that's something Maxie would do. That's what she did do; I broke up Georgie's marriage, so Maxie slept with my brother to break up his."
"You're not Maxie."
"No, but I see things in her that I don't like in myself; that's one of the reasons I don't like her."
"Now that you know what the problem is, what are you gonna do about Logan?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I'll have to think about it."
"And Johnny?"
"I'm gonna try, key word again, to stay away from him; it's better for both of us."
"Then, you'll be with Logan, right?"
"I don't know; I don't wanna hurt him, but I don't want him to hurt me again either."
"Maybe you should just play things by ear, see what happens with no pressure."
"that's what we've been trying to do," she said thoughtfully. Then she said something that Spinelli didn't understand. "Blue Star."
"What?"
"Logan and I like Blue Star and we have concert tickets. I'll play it by ear until the concert, keeping in mind what you just helped me see. I'll see how things go until then and then make a decision."
Spinelli thought about Johnny and gave her another cautious look.
"I need to ask you something."
"OK."
"Did I drive you to hitchhike that night?"
"What?"
"You ran. I had been trying to dissuade you from being with Logan for weeks. Did I make you feel you couldn't come to me? Did you think I would-"
"Spinelli, no!"
It broke her heart that he'd been carrying that for months. Her reaction had had nothing to do with him.
"Don't ever take my bad decisions on yourself!"
"But you ran from everyone who loves you to a stranger who could have been a serial killer for all you knew. Why would you do that if you didn't think you could turn to me or your family for comfort?"
"I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing. I'm a Spencer; we freak out alone. It's just something we do."
"But you don't have to."
"I know," she said, feeling a rush of affection for him, hugging his shoulders. "You're always here for me and I've never questioned that. All I could think about when I was walking that night was that you and everyone else tried to warn me. You were all right and I'd been an idiot for trusting him. I knew you would never say 'I told you so:' and that was part of the reason I didn't come to you. Most of it was the Spencer in me, but I didn't think I had a right to come to you. I knew you would be sweet to me; you would do anything you could to try to comfort me, to make me feel better. I didn't think I deserved that, especially not from you after the way I treated you. I made it seem like it was OK for Logan to beat you up that day in the coffee house. I tried to force you to be friends with him. I got mad at you for venting to Jason. I knew you didn't want Jason to hurt Logan; I was being totally unfair. I never should have expected you to go against your true nature and be friends with someone when you honestly didn't feel it. Of course you would vent to Jason; he's your friend. I had no right to act like you deliberately tried to get him to hurt Logan."
"I hate having you angry with me," he said, putting his arm over her shoulders.
"I know, and I always get angry for the most childish reasons. It's time for me to grow up, and I need your help."
"I'll do everything I can."
"I know. You always do."
Spinelli's stomach rumbled and they both grinned.
"For the first time since finding Georgie, I'm actually hungry."
"Let's go to Kelly's, do something normal."
They spent the rest of the day together, talking out issues, becoming closer. Georgie's death had changed both of them. Neither of them knew the extent of the changes yet, but they hoped to honor her by behaving towards each other, and others, in a way that would emulate her wisdom and kindness.
That night, Spinelli went to bed thinking not so much of his loss, but of his newly strengthened friendship with Lulu. They were honestly and openly communicating now, maybe for the first time since they'd become friends. Spinelli's grief over Georgie was still very fresh, but he felt more at peace knowing The Blonde One would be there when he needed her. He didn't feel he had to avoid her now because of something he said or did that made her angry. He felt for the first time in months that he could be honest with her without losing her. He had lost Georgie and there was no escaping that pain, but he had regained something with Lulu that he had lost when she had chosen Logan over him. He accepted that he would never be romantically involved with her and it didn't hurt as much anymore. That was partly because his pain over losing Georgie was so much worse. But he knew now that Lulu and Stone Cold would be there to help him through it. He still had friends; he wasn't alone. For the first time since finding Georgie, he slept without nightmares.