Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon, nor do I own Wal-Mart. Kind of a pity, isn't it?
Pokémon: Remastered: Ash's adventures in Hoenn, rewritten by yours truly
The sun set over the moutains in the land of Kanto, creating a luminous shade of orange over the western range that separated the nations of Kanto and Johto. It was such a bright sunset that it even illuminated the hills to the east. Mt. Silver, the tallest peak on the continent shared by the two countries, was bathed in an eerie light that made it seem far more imposing than it was in the daytime.
Back in the western land of Johto, its Pokémon League had ended the day before, and everyone was either leaving or buying souvenirs. The Pokémon League was a place where trainers from around the world could take their Pokémon and battle them against other Pokémon. It wasn't a matter of just letting the two creatures battle it out solo, however. The trainer had to give his or her Pokémon certain commands. If the Pokémon obeyed, it would execute a move either to damage the opponent Pokémon or heal itself. Once one Pokémon fainted from exhaustion, the other won the match.
To many, especially animal rights groups, it sounds brutal, but if a Pokémon faints, all it needs is a rest in its Poké Ball and, if necessary, a short stay at a Pokémon center, which is like a hospital for Pokémon (no, really?).
A Pokémon trainer named Ash Ketchum stood at the intersection of a forked path that led to a few major cities in Kanto, Ash's home country. He had just competed in the Johto League, and placed in the Top 8, which, out of 128 trainers, was quite a feat. Ash absentmindedly patted his Pikachu, a Pokémon reminiscent of a yellow mouse, on the head as he stared forward solemnly toward the low hills before him. Standing with him were his best friends Brock, whose ambition was to become a great breeder of Pokémon, and Misty, who wanted to be a trainer of Pokémon that were water-based.
The reason for the general air of soberness was that Brock and Misty both had business that needed attending to at the Pokémon gyms back in their hometowns of Pewter and Cerulean City. Pokémon gyms were establishments where the trainer battled the leader of that gym in order to win a badge that would let the trainer gain entrance to the Pokémon League. Brock and Misty had traveled with Ash through both Kanto and Johto and helped him to achieve his goal of competing in various Pokémon Leagues. On the way, they had kept Team Rocket, a crime organization, at bay, and formed an indivisible friendship (with each other, not Team Rocket). While Brock and Misty did stuff at their respective gyms, Ash was going to travel to the faraway land of Hoenn to capture new Pokémon and compete in the Hoenn League.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye," said Misty sadly to her male companions.
"Yeah," said Brock. "And I won't be able to flirt with girls if I'm taking care of my siblings." Brock had seven brothers and sisters that his father was taking care of right now, but his father wanted him to return and check up on things.
"Oh, for the love of..." Misty said, rolling her eyes. She found Brock's habit of constant flirtation rather embarrassing and irksome.
"Oh, wait a sec, Ash," said Brock. "Before I go, I want to give you this," he said, holding up a small box. "It comes complete with silverware and food, all at the low, low price of just ten dollars!"
"Brock!" Misty scolded.
"Just kidding!"
"I want to give you this, too," said Misty. She held a brightly colored handkerchief.
"Thanks," Ash said. "What is it?"
"It's a handkerchief, Einstein."
"Oh. That's what I thought. Is it so I can gag Team Rocket or what?"
"It's a memento so you will always carry a bit of me with you," said Misty sentimentally.
"...Ah."
"Boys," Misty muttered under her breath.
"Here," said Ash. "I'm going to give you my Pokémon League commemorative hat, then." Ash took off his prized topper and handed it to Misty.
"Why?" she asked quizzically.
"Because it's a memento thing, blah blah blah, et cetera, et cetera."
"Are you making fun of me?" Misty questioned.
"Oh, I would never dream of such a thing," Ash smiled.
"I'm gonna miss you, Ash," Misty said, suddenly wrapping her arms around Ash, much to his astonishment.
"Um, sure," Ash said rather awkwardly.
"I'll be seein' you, Ash," Brock said.
"Yeah," said Misty, turning away. "I've got something in my eye..." she muttered. And with that, Brock turned and walked along the road to Pewter City, and Misty, with one last glance backward, sped via her bicycle to Cerulean City.
Ash stood, watching his friends depart for a few seconds, and then, when they were both out of sight, the young Pokémon trainer slowly and sadly walked back toward Pallet Town.
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"Is he here yet?"
"I think I see him!"
"That's a stick, imbecile."
"Hey, anyone could have made that mistake!"
"Mime!"
"Quiet, everyone, here he comes!"
Ash Ketchum opened the door to find his house dark and silent. He fumbled for the light switch for a minute, and when the phenomenon of electric lighting kicked in...
"SURPRISE! Welcome back, Ash!"
Standing before the trainer were four entities: his mom, Delia; Professor Oak, the researcher who had given him Pikachu in the first place; Tracey Sketchit, a Pokémon artist whose name was one big pun; and Mr. Mime, Ash's mom's "housekeeper" who happened to be a Pokémon.
Ash stood in a state of shock for a minute, and then said: "You didn't need to throw me a party, you guys. After all, you saw me in the Johto League, so it's not like you missed me a whole lot in three weeks."
"But I made a cake!"
"Well, since you put it that way..." Ash ambled to the table, cut a small sliver of cake, and put everything else on his plate.
"So, Ash," asked Professor Oak, "what are you going to do next?"
"Well, I was thinking, since I fought that Blaziken thing in the Johto League, that I should go to Hoenn and compete in the Hoenn League."
"Yes, good idea, but there's just one thing." When Ash asked what, the scientist replied, "Hoenn is extremely weird."
"It can't be weirder than Kanto or Johto," Ash said.
"You'd be surprised," responded the biologist. "Their ads are actually catchy and funny, and not just the first time you see them. Store clerks say weird things, and the president wears Hawaiian clothes to debates. Also, their cars use hydrogen and stuff as power, which wouldn't be so weird in itself, but without the need for a hood, some cars are built very strangely. I saw a car that was a perfect sphere, another that was a perfect cube, and one looked like a giant rabbit."
"Cool!"
"Ah, but the list goes on. Hoenn is divided into many states, which makes for many different and strange cultures. Politicians do deodorant ads," Ash chuckled to himself as he tried to imagine Bob Dole on an Old Spice commercial. "but the weirdest thing is that some people eat hamburgers," Oak finished.
"What's so weird about that?" Ash asked, puzzled.
"With extra mayonnaise."
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"But, the Hoenn League is quite a good experience and there are many species of rare Pokémon that can be found nowhere else. So, what do you say?"
"I say...we're going to Hoenn!" Ash yelled eagerly, looking at his Pikachu, who emitted a cry of "Pikapika!"
"Excellent. A ferry leaves for Hoenn tomorrow, so you'll need to pack quickly."
"Here, Ash," Delia Ketchum said. "I bought you these new clothes for your new adventure." She produced a new hat with a green Poké Ball on it, black pants, and a hooded sweater with the same green Poké Ball logo as the hat.
"What's wrong with the clothes I have?" protested Ash.
"Well, for one thing, these new clothes are clean," said his mother.
"But I washed my clothes last Sunday!"
"True, but most would interpret that phrase as, Sunday, August 22, 2004, not Sunday, January 6, 2002. And if I recall correctly, I forced you to let me wash them."
"Oh, fine." Ash tried on the new clothes, which fit nicely.
"Hey," interrupted Tracey. "I haven't had a line this whole scene, and frankly, I'm fed up with it!"
"Ok, Tracey, what would you like to say?" asked Mrs. Ketchum politely.
"Um...I dunno, I don't really have anything planned out...cheese monkey beavers...or some other type of lettuce..."
"Um, mom," Ash whispered to his mother. "Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I think I'll be glad to be on the road again."
"Don't worry, honey, I understand perfectly."
Ash awoke the next morning with a feeling of anticipation in his stomach. Or maybe that was hunger, as he hadn't had breakfast yet. He ran downstairs to where his mother was cooking eggs and bacon. After polite breakfast conversation, he kissed his mom goodbye, and sped out of the door to Pallet's seaport, stopping only to drop off all his Pokémon except Pikachu at Professor Oak's lab. He glanced one last time at his hometown before stepping onboard the ferry to a new and different land.
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"Now, then, is everything clear?"
"For the hundredth time sir, yes! We go to Hoenn, carry out our crime spree across major cities, and, while the people are vulnerable and afraid, we take control of the government, and then, the world!"
"Well, I was referring to the ordering of my latte, but that works too! Muahahahahahaha!"
"Muahahahahahaha!" the subordinate joined in.
"Stop laughing maniacally and get me my latte!"
"Muahaha-...uh, yes, sir."
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I hope everyone liked that chapter; I know it's not very funny yet, but bear with me! I bet you'll never guess who was laughing maniacally; in fact, I'm 99.8 sure that no one will get it. So, until next time, read and review, please!
"I think so, Brain, but how will we get the monkey to use dental floss?"
-Pinky, from "Pinky and the Brain"