BHF5: Episode VIVVIX: Fistful of Dollars, Faceful of Buckshot
[It's afternoon in the BHF5 base. Everyone's gathered around the TV.]
TV: ...so come on down to the Tusken Eat-Till-You-Explode buffet! There's (SSSHHH)huge selection(SSSSHHHHH)barnacles all over me! Oh God!(SSSHHHH)
Jango Fett: Reception's getting iffy. TR, go adjust the antennas again.
TR: Yes, sir! [Starts fiddling with them.] You know, maybe we should consider upgrading to something manufactured in at least these last few centuries.
Jango Fett: You know we don't have it in the budget. Hell, that last box of Omaha Endangered Species Steaks alone wiped out most of this month's paycheck.
TV Announcer: Aaaaand we're back on WHO WANTS A FACEFUL OF BUCKSHOT?! Before the break, we "eliminated" 4 of our 8 contestants! Now it's down to the final bonus tiebreaker round! You know how this works! One of you lucky winners will go home 500,000 credits richer, while the rest go home in caskets! Are you ready to play... WHO WANTS A FACEFUL OF BUCKSHOT? (Wild applause) Alright, let's begin!
Z-Man: I never understood how this show ever happened. How the heck do they get these people to agree to getting shot in the face on intergalactic TV?
Dengar: Trickily worded legal forms and loopholes in broadcast guidelines.
Bart: Aren't those what got TR into Turkish prison for pirating Telletuby DVDs?
Jango Fett: Quiet! It's time for the Elimination round.
TV Announcer: ...ten paces, and on the count of draw, spin around and do your darnedest to make sure at least one of those pellets ends up hitting something vital in your opponent! Are you ready? Alright! Staaaaaart pacing!
[They huddle and watch in glee. 2 minutes later.]
TV Announcer: That was one hell of a gunfight, but other than most of the studio audience, only 3 men are down! And Rico Martinez isn't one of them! Congratulations, Rico! How about a few words for your fans back home?
Rico: What an honor! I-
TV Announcer: Alright, that's plenty. Now, take this giant check for 500,000 credits! It may seem generous of our producers at first, but you'll soon find it's totally uncashable! Thanks for playing... WHO WANTS A FACEFUL OF BUCKSHOT?
[Wild applause. Credits. There's a record scratch and the announcer pops up.]
TV Announcer: Oops! Almost forgot to mention! Every week we reach into our mailbag and pick a random entry, sent in by you, our loyal viewers, to become one of our next contestants! This week's winner is... [Draws a slip of paper out of a bag.] ...Justin Bieber? Hmm, as much as I hate to say it, it's invalid, they didn't give an address. Our other winner is... [Draws another.] ...the "Bee-Aich-Eff-Five" from Tatooine, Oregon! Congratulations! Come to our studio and you can be our next set of contestants! Until next week, that's WHO WA-?
[TV turns off. The BHF5 cheer.]
Jango Fett: Holy crap! They actually picked US!
Bart: This is awesome! I've always wanted to be on that show!
Z-Man: I dunno if this is a good idea. I mean, you do know there's only one winner per episode, and what happens to the losers, right?
Dengar: Think of it this way: Would you rather live a boring life, or risk getting shot in the face on live TV for the chance to be obscenely rich?
Z-Man: Why not "Hunt bounties, get mounds of cash, and live to tell the tale"?
TR: Too unrealistic. Now quick! There's no time to lose! To the Idiotmobile!
[Spinning TR head shows up onscreen. Theme music plays. TR is seen on a trike.]
TR: Hmmm, on second thought, can I go in the spaceship with you guys?
[They fly to the studio and go into the lobby.]
Receptionist: Welcome to TRA Studios! Do you have an appointment?
Jango Fett: Yeah, we're here to audition for"Who Wants a Faceful of Buckshot?".
Receptionist: Alright, you're the BHF5?
Bart: Yup.
Receptionist: But... there's five of you.
Z-Man: Gee, I never noticed that.
Receptionist: You realize you're mostly gonna be competing against each other?
Dengar: This will be good payback for all the nachos of mine they've snatched.
Receptionist: Is taking turns making good dialogue all you guys do?
TR: No, sometimes we chase bad guys. Also, what does "TRA" stand for?
Receptionist: Totally Redundant Acronym. Now follow me to the set.
[They get there and see the announcer.]
Announcer: Alright, Barry! You just keep those entrails warm until the janitor arrives! [Turns and sees the BHF5.] Oh, hello! Are you our new entrants?
TR: Oh my God! Is that you? The real, in the flesh Celine Dion?
Announcer: No, I'm Slick Jazzman. With a name like that, I had no choice but to go into show business! That, or politics. Would you be the BHF5?
Jango Fett: That's us. You announced we won the mailbag competition, so we're here to see if we can beat the qualifier round, which involves-.
Announcer: Woah, hey! You don't have to explain all this to me!
Dengar: Considering we've been watching this show for all 17 years it's been on air, and you only started hosting 3 seasons ago, I think we have that right.
Announcer: You must be some really dedicated fans. Alright, follow me. [They go into a round, blood-spattered arena.] This is where the magic happens, where we weed out the best 8 of our 16 applicants to go on air. What you gotta do is-!
Bart: Grab one of those guns over there and go Rambo?
Announcer: What? No! You have to answer random trivia questions. Only the LOSERS are put in the Rambo Zone over there. [Points at a bloody ball pit.] Anyway, first one's for you, Electric Guy: What's the firing rate of the ZT-47?
Z-Man: 20 rounds per second! I would know, seeing as how I have one for an arm.
Announcer: Correct! Next, you, guy in the space marine armor! What year was the first MuniTech Electrified Automatic Shotgun manufactured?
Jango Fett: Trick question! Munitech shotguns only come in pump-action variety!
Announcer: Correct! You, mummy with head spikes! What do missile launchers fire?
TR: Oh, gee, I got a hard one. Uuuuuh...
Dengar: [Hissing.] Missiles! Say missiles!
TR: Uh, can you use it in a sentence?
Announcer: The missile launcher shot missiles at the UFO.
TR: Mmmm... I'm going with... groundhogs!
Announcer: I'm sorry, that's incorrect! Groundhog launchers don't qualify as missile. You're off to the Rambo Zone! Here are the rules: Survive the volley of grenades we throw at you for 30 seconds, and you're re-entered into our show! Because honestly, we don't wanna mess with anyone who can survive that.
TR: Sounds easy!
Jango Fett: Don't do it! Just leave! They haven't made you sign anything yet!
Announcer: Ah, yes, please sign these. [They sign the forms.] Now, off you go!
[They watch in suspense as TR walks in and... levitates, dodging everything.]
Announcer: What? Oh, come on! That's definitely against the rules!
TR: How?
Announcer: You're breaking the law of gravity! And we can't have criminals here!
Z-Man: It's OK, TR. Just go wait in the lobby.
[TR nods and sulks off. The qualifier ends with the BHF4 and 4 other guys.]
Announcer: Alright, contestants! Taping starts in 10 minutes! Why not get to know each other, if only to have political reasons to shoot each other?
Bart: So who are you guys?
Rick: Hi, I'm Rick, and this is my best friend, Roy.
Roy: Ayyyyyy!
Zeta: And I'm Zeta, intergalactic police officer. Nice to have someone other than muggers and jaywalkers to blast apart for once.
Jar-Jar: And meesa Jar-Jar! Me wanna get good money to pay for momma cancer!
Jango Fett: I know the show hasn't started yet, but can I just shoot him now?
Dengar: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask: We won't have to, y'know, KILL each other, right? There's gotta be some kinda bulletproof vests or effects or...
Rick: Nope! It's all real! In fact, people caught "goin' possum" are executed!
Z-Man: I knew it! Come on, let's get outta here!
[The BHF4 run for the door, but metal bars go over it. The Announcer shows up.]
Announcer: Not so fast! Where do you think you're going? That contract you signed said you can only go home rich... OR DEAD!
Bart: Well, I know how you're going!
[Pulls out a blaster and shoots at him. He raises his arm and deflects it.]
Announcer: Silly boy! Why don't you go home and do less deadly stupid things, like mooning a school bus, or trying to rob a 7-11? Oh, right, you can't!
[Starts cackling/screaming maniacally. They back away. He disappears.]
Bart: [Quietly.] How are we gonna get outta here?
Z-Man: My plan is to get the others to refuse to do anything, then when he freaks out we attack him and make a break for it. Let's go tell the othe-!
Announcer: [Over intercom.] Live from TRA Studios in beautiful, sunny Kamino, it's time! For! WHO WANTS A FACEFUL OF BUCKSHOT? Are our contestants ready? Alright, let's get the show staaaarted with the SHOOTOUT ROUND!
[Wild applause. Rick, Roy, Zeta, and Jar-Jar draw their blasters.]
Bart: Let's hope it's a free-for-all round, so they can eliminate themselves!
Announcer: On the count of draw, pull your guns, get with your team, and blast the hell out of the opponents! Today's teams are: RED TEAM! The BHF4! AND THE BLUE TEAM, THE RICK-ROLLIN' MEESA COPS! ONE! TWO! THREE! DRAW!
Jango Fett: Take cover, men!
[They dive behind a piece of the set as blaster fire comes at them.]
Dengar: What's the plan now? I don't wanna hurt those guys.
Z-Man: Normally I'd say as a bounty hunter, you must never show sympathy, but they might be helpful in our escape. How about we switch to stun rounds?
Bart: But they'll notice and execute everyone!
Jango Fett: These things pack a lot of power, maybe they'll be convinced!
[Everyone switches to stun blasts and fires back. Roy gets hit and falls.]
Rick: Oh, no! Roy! [Runs over to him.] Breathe! C'mon! You're going to be okay!
Roy: Aaaayyyyy...
Rick: Don't say that! Of course you'll make it! You just gotta-!
[Rick also gets hit and falls down.]
Bart: What's the situation?
Z-Man: Two down, two to go! Keep laying down suppressing fire!
Zeta: Jar-Jar! Cover me, I'm going in!
Bart: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jar-Jar: Meesa a Gungan, and my gun-gun will make them gone-gone! Ahaha!
[Pulls out a minigun and fires. Zeta rolls her eyes and runs for the cover.]
Jango Fett: Oh, no! They're closing in! Take evasive maneuvers!
Z-Man: What are those?
Jango Fett: Just follow me!
[Tosses a smoke grenade and runs to the other side of the arena.]
Jango Fett: Come on, we're almost there!
Dengar: [POW! He falls to the ground.] Aaaghhh! I'm hit!
Bart: Why am I not surprised?
[Jango picks him up and they get behind a large rock. Bart and Z are nearby.]
Dengar: Give it to me straight, man! Am I going to live?
Jango Fett: Can the dramatics, your leg should be fine shortly...
[Gets out healing device and uses it. Suddenly, he feels a tap on his shoulder.]
Jango Fett: What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?
[Finishes healing and turns around and sees... Zeta poking him with her pistol.]
Zeta: [Whispering.] The cameras can't see here. Just play along.
[Shoots ground. They stumble into the cameras' vision and pretend to fall dead.]
Bart: What was that? [Turns around and sees Zeta with a smoking gun and Jango and Dengar on the ground covered in blood (Remember, from the leg?).] Oh, no! Z-Man! She killed them! [Switches gun to normal blasts.] PREPARE TO DIE!
Z-Man: Hey, I stunned Jar-Jar! Wait, what did you say?
Dengar: [Sits up.] Wait, Bart! No!
[Bart shoots at Zeta for real. She gets hit and falls. Jango runs over.]
Jango Fett: Oh, no! You didn't understand! She didn't shoot us for real!
Bart: Oh no... so you mean-?
Jango Fett: Yes, they had the same plan as us.
Zeta: Urrrrggg...
Bart: Zeta! [Runs over.] Quick, Jango! She's still alive! Use your medi-thingie!
[It goes dark. A spotlight appears in the center and the announcer comes in.]
Announcer: Well, well, well, what do we have here? [Walks over to Jar-Jar and feels his pulse.] Why, this guy isn't dead! Although that's rather unfortunate. And over here! [Goes over to where the BHF4 and Zeta are.] I don't get it. YOU two [Kicks Jango down and points to Dengar.] aren't dead! You know what we do to possums here? [Ties the BHF4 up with energy rope.] You're gonna give our viewers a good show. Instead of shooting you like dogs, you're going to THE LAVA PIT!
[Sprays them with knockout gas and attaches the rope to a winch, taking them to another room. Later, they wake up tied together over a giant pit of bubbling magma. They struggle but it's no use. An intercom comes on.]
Announcer: [Over intercom.] Ah, good, you're awake. I can see you clearly through this little balcony over here. Now, I've taken all your weapons, ammo and gadgets, the rope you're tied up with is indestructible, and it won't stop until I take my finger off of this button! There's no escape! Muahahaha! Now, time to play WHO WANTS TO GET DIPPED IN A PIT OF MELTY DEATH?
[Starts lowering them.]
Bart: Jango, what are we gonna do?
Jango Fett: I don't know. But the series can't go on without us...
Z-Man: Is this the finale?
Dengar: Nah, I'm sure the authors will think of something.
[Right on cue, there's a huge explosion. When the dust settles, they see TR come in through the new hole in the wall clutching his stomach.]
Intercom: What? Who is this? TR? I though we told you to wait in the lobby!
TR: Yeah, but all those grenades I swallowed as I was levitating weren't as full of iron as I hoped, so I went looking for a bathroom. Oh, hey guys!
[Waves to the rest of the BHF5. They don't wave back because, y'know, tied up.]
Z-Man: Quick, TR! Get us down from here! Do something!
Intercom: What CAN he do? Nothing! But just for that little intrusion...
[They start lowering twice as fast.]
Jango Fett: TR, you dumbass! Go find the ship and use the guns or something!
TR: Oh, no. Guys, I don't feel so good...
[Throws up some grenades. They fly at the announcer's balcony.]
Announcer: Oh, no, this is bad! Oh, wait, no it's not.
[Presses a button. A shield comes over the balcony and repels the grenades.]
Announcer: Ahaha! Those grenades are useless against me! Now, back to lowering!
Dengar: Wait, he can't repel and lower us at the same time! [To TR.] TR! BUY US SOME TIME! USE YOUR SPECIAL POWER OF PROJECTILE VOMITING!
TR: Boy, everyone at the mutant academy said that would never come in handy!
[Starts vomiting grenades at the announcer. He's too busy repelling them to notice the BHF4 wriggling out of the binds. They untie and hang on the rope.]
Bart: Uh, so what do we do now?
Z-Man: Now we gotta-! [Looks around and sees lava right under them and the ground very far below.] Oh, huh. I guess I didn't think that part through.
Jango Fett: Wait! I think we can reach the balcony! Quick, guys! Start swinging!
[They start swinging the ropes. TR throws up a grenade and starts clicking.]
TR: What? Oh, no, I'm out of ammo!
Announcer: Enough games! I'm gonna dunk you like a cop basketball player dunks a donut into the... net? Hmm, that was an atrocious analogy. WHATEVER!
[The rope starts lowering again. They try to climb up but they're too slow.]
Dengar: We're not gonna make it! This is hopeless!
TR: I'm sorry I failed you, guys! [Falls to his knees. A grenade bounces out of his cloak.] Oh, hey, one last one!
Z-Man: This is our only shot. [To TR.] THROW IT UNDER THE LAVA TANK!
[He does. It ticks and explodes. The tank falls on its side and pours all the lava out. TR levitates out of the way as it splashes into the wall and sends the balcony plummeting into it. Eventually it settles and cools. The BHF5 hop down.]
Bart: TR! You saved us! We all owe you one.
TR: Don't sweat it! Hee hee hee! Get it? 'Cause it's like sweat, not to sweat it, even though it's really hot because of the lava, and-.
Jango Fett: Yeah, we don't owe you anything now.
[They blast through the wall and get to the arena.]
Z-Man: What are we doing? Let's get outta here before they send reinforcements!
Jango Fett: A good soldier never leaves a man behind.
[They go over to where Zeta is.]
Jango Fett: A moment of silence. [They're quiet.] If it wasn't for her, we would be dead now. She gave her life so we could have ours.
Zeta: [Coughs.] God, you're so bad at drama, I wish I really was dead.
Z-Man: You're still alive?
Zeta: Well, duh. [Opens shirt to show bulletproof vest.] Going in here without one of these is suicide! I just didn't want that crazy guy to come after me.
Jango Fett: But when you said-?
Zeta: Just making a show for the cameras is all. [Winks.] Come on, let's go.
[They get on their respective ships and fly off. Later, at base.]
TR: You know, I think I learned something today.
Jango Fett: And what would that be? Don't believe everything you see on TV?
TR: No, always make sure to keep some grenades handy.
Z-Man: Actually, I think that's a better moral.
THE END