I was rewatching S9 in prep for another story I'm working on, when this one shot idea popped into my head. You all probably know how much I hated poor Cas' situation in S9 as you probably all do, so I wanted to add a little more resolution to the episode "Heaven Can't Wait". This isn't AU it's more of a deleted scene, and stays canon, but I just wanted to write about what I think happened after Dean comes and helps Cas kill the Rita Zian angel (don't ask about spelling lol) This is just my take on that just a little angst and h/c. And of course, not slash.
By the way, hope everyone has a Happy New Year :)
Heaven Can Wait
A Supernatural Fanfic
"Where to, Cas?"
The look on the ex-angel's face after Dean asked the simple question—hopelessness, indecision, and maybe even a bit of shame—suddenly made the hunter feel like a total dick. He sighed quietly though his nose and made a split second decision, getting into the driver's seat of the Impala after Cas and starting the engine.
"Dean, where are we going?" Cas asked after a few minutes.
"Well, first, I'm taking you to a clinic," Dean told him, nodding to the hand Cas was holding awkwardly in his lap. "Your wrist may be broken. Then we're going to get something to eat and head back to my hotel room."
Cas was silent for a long moment then opened his mouth. "I don't—"
"Cas, stop. Please," Dean added to soften the command slightly. He sighed and turned to his friend as he pulled up at a stoplight. "I know you don't want to take charity or whatever, and I get that, but, man, I'm here now, and I know I haven't been and I'm sorry, and I wish I could explain why, but I can't, so you're just going to have to trust me, and trust that it's not you, and that I don't hate you because you're human now so just…just let me help you out tonight at least, okay?"
"Dean…"
"No arguments!" Dean said, feeling self-conscious after what passed as a rambling heart to heart from him. "You're hurt, and—correct me if I'm wrong—you don't have a place to stay."
Cas opened his mouth to protest, but simply hung his head, looking out the window, giving Dean the only answer he needed. The hunter cursed under his breath, gripping the wheel tighter, anger rising in him at the whole crappy situation.
"Why didn't you tell me, man?"
Cas looked at him, wry incredulity on his face. "You told me to leave, Dean, I didn't exactly think you wanted to see me again, let alone cared to help."
Dean felt stung, but he knew it was well deserved. He swallowed hard. "It wasn't like that, Cas."
"Well it felt like it."
"Cas, I wish I could explain it to you, but I can't."
"You don't need to explain anything to me, Dean," Cas said, shortly. "It's all right, I understand how much of a burden I would be to you now that I'm human, and I can see why you wouldn't want me around tripping over your feet."
"All right, you know what?" Dean said, pulling over onto the side of the road so he could look at Cas. "Look at me, Cas," he said as the ex-angel still refused to look at him. Finally Cas turned around, reluctantly meeting Dean's eyes. Dean felt even sadder at this. Usually Cas was the first to make eye contact, so steady that it creeped Dean out half the time, but now it seemed like he couldn't, like he was ashamed of what he was. And Dean realized with a start that that must be exactly what Cas was thinking.
"Cas," Dean said quietly, trying to force the anger from his voice so Cas didn't misinterpret it as directed toward him. "First of all, you are not a burden. No matter if you're a fallen angel or a human or whatever the hell you happen to be at the moment. Don't you ever think that. There's just…complications with having you around, and it tears me up, even more that I can't tell you. Not yet, but I will as soon as possible, okay? I promise. I just…it's safer for Sammy this way, and you know I'll do anything to keep him safe, even if it means…this. So just trust me…please. We've been friends, brothers really, for too long for you not to at least give me that."
Cas looked up at him, shaking his head slightly. "But I don't understand why you can't tell me."
Dean shook his head, trying to force down his exasperation. "Just, please, Cas, trust me. I will tell you when I can. But in the meantime, just remember, that it's not because Sam and I don't want you around, okay? It's just that it's safer for all of us, you included, if we stay apart for a while. Just trust me on this one. Can you do that?"
Cas looked at him for a long time, then finally nodded. "All right, I'll trust you."
"Okay," Dean said, feeling slightly relieved though even he didn't think he deserved that. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I want to help you out. I know it's too little too late, and I'm sorry for that, and I'm not trying to make up, because I know I can't, I just want to do something now while I'm here, so will you let me help you for one night at least?"
Cas looked reluctant for a minute, but finally sagged physically, exhaustion obvious. "All right, Dean."
"Okay, then," Dean put the car in drive again and got back onto the road. He found the nearest clinic and helped Cas sign in, while they were directed to the waiting room.
"I can't believe there's so many people here so late," Dean grumbled, looking around at the waiting room, filled with several obviously sick people who made him want to take a bath in bleach, and several squalling babies and a couple other people with injuries. Cas was sagging beside him by the minute, his hand and wrist looking swollen and painful around the handkerchief Dean had tied around the cut, and the hunter could see the pain he was attempting to hide in the tight lines on his face.
"You good?" he asked.
Cas shook himself, coming out of some sort of deep thought. "I suppose I'll be fine. It's rather painful; I'm still not used to the heightened pain of a human body."
"Understandable," Dean commented. "It really sucks. I should know."
Cas smiled slightly at that. "You and Sam do have a habit of getting injured."
Dean grunted good-naturedly, and crossed his arms over his chest, stretching his legs out in front of him and crossing them. He looked up as the receptionist came in but she called for one of the germy people—that was something to be thankful for at least. He sighed and finally turned back to Cas. "So, you wanna talk about it?"
"About what? My hand?" Cas asked, not meeting his eyes, knowing well enough what Dean wanted him to talk about.
Dean sighed and sat up straighter, talking quietly so the other people in the room wouldn't overhear. "You know, man, your flubbed date."
"Dean, I'd rather not," Cas said, turning away.
"Hey, it's not like it hasn't happened to me before," Dean said, reassuringly—even if it wasn't entirely the same, he had to admit. "I've been stood up, plenty of times."
"This was worse," Cas said dejectedly.
Dean opened his mouth to protest, but he couldn't really. "Yeah, all right, it was totally worse." Cas groaned, but Dean nudged his foot with his boot. "But now she knows you're good with kids, and I saw the way she looked at you when you left. Keep it up and you may actually have a chance."
"I don't know if I want to," Cas said.
"Why not?" Dean asked, surprised. "I mean, she's pretty hot, right?"
"That's not the reason," Cas said. "I do like Nora, she's a very kind and likable woman. But Dean, I've realized, as I should have before, that I'm just not right. I'll never really be human. I thought maybe it would be all right for a while. The angels always said I was too human, but it wasn't until Metatron took my grace that I realized truly how hard it was for you just to live day to day. I had a taste of it back in the apocalypse, but it was nothing like this. Then I was still an angel, though, granted a very weak one, but now I am fully human with all the problems humans face. The weariness, the pain, the hungers…I don't know how you do it. I had to learn things a child takes years to learn in only a short time, and I pretty much failed at all of it."
Dean sighed and leaned over to rest his elbows on his knees. "Cas, man, you didn't fail. How could you? You didn't know either way, you didn't have anyone to teach you, and again, I'm sorry for that, I really am, but you know, Steve isn't a bad guy, in fact, he's way better than most humans I've known my whole life. Maybe not at being a human, but maybe that's not such a bad thing."
Cas didn't look convinced, but Dean realized he wasn't going to get anything else out of him then. The other man was obviously depressed, and Dean was determined to set him to rights before he went back to Kansas, but he was going to wait until they both had food and a place more private to talk than the clinic waiting room.
Thankfully, it wasn't long before Cas was called back. They did some x-rays, finding that, while his wrist was only badly sprained, two bones in his hand had been broken and would take a couple weeks to heal properly. His hand and wrist were braced and he was sent on his way, there being nothing else they could do for him.
As Dean closed the door for Cas and got in on the other side of the car, the former angel spoke up. "You can take me back to the Gas and Sip, I can get a head start on work."
"Dude, it's 12:30 am," Dean said, starting the car. "You don't need to be there for another six hours at least."
"There are a lot of things that need to be done," Cas protested.
"How many times can you count candy bars?" Dean scoffed. "I'm not taking you back there."
Cas clenched his good hand in his lap. "Dean, I don't…"
"I know," Dean said gently, seeming to surprise the ex-angel sitting next to him. "I know you don't have anywhere to go, that's why you can stay in my room for the night. But first we're going to get something to eat. I'm starving, and when was the last time you ate?"
"I had a peanut butter and jelly for lunch," Cas said defensively. "I can feed myself, I just wasn't able to get enough extra hours at work to pay for a room this week."
"Dammit, Cas," Dean said under his breath, clenching the wheel to relieve some of the pressure in his chest, his stomach twisting in regret. His stupid decisions. He may have saved Sam, but he might be killing his best friend in the process. Where did that really equal out?
"I didn't mean for you to know," Cas told him, shame obvious in his voice as he tried to hold on to whatever pride he had left which was quickly flaying away, Dean saw.
"Well, you should have," Dean told him. "Because it only makes me feel like more of a dick."
They were silent until Dean pulled into an all night diner and ordered two bacon cheeseburgers with fries and milkshakes and pie. He watched as Cas nearly inhaled his food, seeming to look for more once he was done. Dean quickly shoved the rest of his fries over to him, honestly too sick and angry with himself to eat anymore. Thankfully Cas didn't argue.
"You need to take better care of yourself, Cas," Dean told him as he paid for the bill and they left.
Cas gave him a slightly scathing look. "I'm still learning how."
Dean bit his lip as he drove back to his motel room. When he parked, Cas followed him silently and slumped in a chair at the table, resting his head in his good hand.
"Beer?" Dean asked but didn't wait for an answer before he grabbed two from the fridge, popping the top for Cas before handing it to him.
The ex-angel took it and drank deeply, making a face. "I think I prefer coffee to alcohol," he said. "But it does have its merits. Especially since I don't have to drink an entire liquor store now to feel the effects."
Dean sat down across from him and sighed. "Cas, I want you to tell me straight. Are you all right, man?"
Cas looked up at him, his eyes tired—a weariness that went beyond physical exhaustion. For a moment Dean was sure he would pull out some Winchester-grade 'I'm fine' crap but he surprised him, taking another drink of the beer and saying, "I'm not sure. I thought I was all right for a while. I did have a job, and I was trying my best to be a normal human being. I thought I was succeeding. But then the thing with Nora, and…I don't know. I guess I didn't realize how much I was hurting until Ephraim came for me. I didn't really know what I was feeling, but I was hurting, I realize that now, it's just a strange hurt—inside. I have felt…regrets before, that drove me to penance, but nothing like this human depression. It is eating away at me, Dean, like it's feeding on my very soul."
Dean watched his friend as he described his ailments, obviously confused, afraid, trying to describe what exactly he was feeling. "I know, Cas. I can understand. It's sort of what I felt coming back from Hell. I wish you never had to go through it. I'm sorry you have to experience humanity like this, and I wish…"
"It's okay, Dean," Cas said quietly and Dean looked up at him. "If you truly cannot tell me why I can't stay at the bunker with you and Sam, I know you must have a reason for it. I just hope you will tell me why when you can."
"I will, I promise," Dean said, half wanting to do it now but not wanting to risk it. Cas was his best friend, and he loved the ex-angel like his brother, but Sammy would always come first. It was a small—very small—margin, but it was enough. And it hurt a lot, but he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't risk Sammy now. Not after everything.
"How do I feel better, Dean?" Cas asked, surprising the hunter.
Dean gave him a sad smile. "I wish I knew, Cas. I mean, everyone has their own way, they laugh, they joke, they drink. Throw themselves into work, but deep down, it's still there. I just don't think we can really beat it. Not with our lives the way they are, not with what we've lived through—that kind of crap is permanently damaging. The best we can do it just not let it beat us. Keep fighting it, and maybe some day we'll get to have a happy ending."
"I just wish it didn't hurt so bad," Cas said tiredly.
"Me too, buddy," Dean replied quietly as he finished his beer. He stood up, clapping Cas on the shoulder. "I'm gonna take a shower. Make yourself comfortable."
He showered quickly, the feel of the hot water on his skin soothing as he thought about Cas' situation. He knew he couldn't just leave him like this, but he didn't really have any choice either. He had to get back to Sam and Kevin, but maybe he didn't have to leave Cas in quite so bad of straits.
He toweled off and dressed, going back out into the room to find Cas curled up on one of the beds, on top of the covers, still fully clothed. Dean shook his head and went to gently remove the other man's shoes before sliding the comforter from under him and putting it over top of him instead. Cas didn't stir, snoring gently, obviously exhausted. Dean wondered how long it had been since he'd slept in an actual bed, and motel beds weren't exactly anything to write home about. With one last glance at his friend, he turned the light out and climbed into his own bed, but lay awake for a long time, trying to decide what he would do for Cas.
The next morning, he woke early, finding Cas still asleep in the same position he had left him in the night before and he quietly left the room to go to the front desk to talk to the manager. Then he ran across the street to pick up some doughnuts and coffee for breakfast.
By the time he got back, Cas was awake and attempting to look so. He gratefully accepted the coffee Dean handed him and chose a chocolate doughnut to accompany it.
"So when do you need to be at work?" Dean asked him.
"Seven," Cas said, gulping down doughnut.
"I'll give you a ride before I head back to the bunker," Dean told him. "I'd stay longer, but the case is done, and Sam and Kevin will have my hide if I don't help them research."
Cas shook his head. "I understand. It's all right, Dean."
"Okay, well, tonight, you come back here," Dean told him.
Cas turned to him incredulously. "Why would I come back here?"
"Because the room is paid up for the next month," Dean said with a shrug.
Cas looked at him in shock. "Dean, you can't do that."
"Why not? I can't do anything else, right now," Dean replied, exasperated. "It's already done anyway. No more crashing at the Gas 'n Sip, Cas, the last thing you need is to lose your job."
Cas looked like he was going to protest, but then he cast his eyes down before flicking them back up to meet Dean's. "Thank you, Dean."
Dean gave him a small smile. "It's the least I can do. And, please, dude, let me know if you need anything. Just because things are complicated doesn't mean I can't help you out."
"Okay," Cas nodded.
"Now how about we get you to work?" Dean suggested, effectively ending the uncomfortable chick flick moment. "We don't want Steve to be late."
Cas smiled genuinely as he followed Dean outside to the Impala and they drove off. Dean still hoped that he wouldn't have to keep Cas in the dark for too much longer and that he could come back to the bunker soon, but in the meantime, he hoped this would help a bit. After all, that was what family was for.