So You Want to be a Pirate?
Tips and tricks of the trade for being the best, and staying alive!
Greetings new pirate(s) of the sea,
So you think you have what it takes to be a pirate? You know its not all fun and games! No sir-e-bob! Being a pirate is a lot of work. Lucky for you though, you have this nifty guide to tell you what to do and not to do while doing the work of a pirate. In this guide, you will be briefed on what will most likely happen while you're on the job. If we don't answer your questions in this guide, then call our hotline at (643) 382 – 5633.
So you think you have what it takes to be a pirate?
Welcome to the helpful guide to being a pirate! In the following section, we will tell you all about what you will need to become successful in the world of pilfering and plundering.
Aims of society:
To rule the sea
To get all the booty imaginable
Stay out of the reach of the E.I.A. and the Royal Navy
DON'T BE HUNG!
Cause as much trouble as possible
To create preserves for parrots and monkeys
List of needed equipment:
A sword (for dueling and fighting off other pirates to save your booty [treasure and your butt])
Clothes (for daily wear, and because we don't really like streakers)
Nice clothes (for when you go to nice places. Duh.)
A cape (for cold weather)
A REALLY nice hat (feathers make it all the better)
And last but not least:
A SHIP!!!
*Monkeys and parrots are generally only for Captains or in some cases 1st Mates. You may have a parrot if you cannot speak (ie. you ticked off a really big guy and then he cut your tongue out kind-of situation.), or you are just mute… maybe you should reconsider getting a new job…
Recommended Reading:
Manors of the Sea: A Pirate's Etiquette Book on How to be Proper (or Fake It) by William Shatner
The Proper Way to the Knot by Scurvy Dave
How to Keep your Hat Looking Nice by Hector Barbosa
People and Magical Beings of the Sea that You, on any Circumstance, Should Never Annoy EVER!!! by Jack Sparrow
How to Care for Your New Sea Monkeys by Some Company in China that No One Cares About
The Pirate Code:
No pirate should tell another pirate that they are a sissy. This may lead to you being stabbed numerous times.
NO, and we mean NO, "Your mom" jokes!! This is so lame, that it's not even funny. And don't you dare go "your mom isn't funny" because I will hunt you down and kill you!!!
Musical instruments are encouraged. Being on a ship for a long time does get boring.
No making fun of Teague, the Keeper of the Pirate Code. He doesn't like it. And you won't like him when he's angry…
Never trust any form of animal (especially dogs) to hold important items. You will never be able to catch them when you need that item back.
It is a very good idea to, at all times; watch your ship because it might be stolen from right under your nose!
It is an EXREAMLY good idea to know all of the little hole-in-the-wall islands where other pirates or rum runners hide out on. This is good to know because if you are ever deserted on an island, there has to be some way to get rum!
Strapping yourself to sea turtles isn't a good way to get off an island; it's a great way to die though!
Frequently Asked Questions:
What would happen if I lose a body part over my many quests?
Well, you will have many people who will lose body parts, the most common of these are fingers, toes, arms, legs, ect. Many times (depending on the part), you will replace your lost body part with what ever the crew can find on board the ship. These are usually (but no limited to):
- Salami
- Wood (if you've lost an eye, consider looking into getting a glass eye, wooden ones just leave splinters)
- Metal (if the Captain is feeling very generous at that moment)
It isn't very rare where a Captain will tell you to look for a replacement on your own time, and seeing as how you can't talk back to him, you will have to take this. For now… MWAHAHAHA!! … Sorry…
Who will take care of me in my old age?
Well kiddies, pirates don't live all too long, seeing as how they are constantly drinking, pillaging towns, and constantly getting shot at, you really won't have to worry about this all too much. But what if I do, oh voice from the sky? Well, in that case, seeing how the government isn't willing to had out pensions to pirates (they don't even really want to give them out now a days as it is), you will have to store up as much gold and loot as you can so when that day comes, you will be able to retire to a nice little cottage by the sea with your 11 kids, 2 dogs, and that nice little rose garden that hides that hideous latrine just perfectly. And when the sun hits it at the right moment…
What if I decide in the middle of a journey that I'm not cut out for this life?
It is a good idea to fully research being a pirate as it's not something you want to do on impulse. But I must caution you that once you are in, you're in until you reach a port/town. Then you are free to escape from the clutches of a maniacal Captain and his annoyingly talkative bird.
Health and Safety:
Being a pirate is naturally a very tiresome and dangerous job, so what are some of the risks of joining the league of these infamous heroes?
As already mentioned, you may be prone to losing body parts over your numerous journeys.
If you are a very klutzy kind of person, PLEASE reconsider this job. We really don't want people tripping and falling on swords that just happen to be pointing towards the sky. That is a real pain in the fanny to clean up.
It is a good idea, when robbing ye-old local Wal-Mart or Sav-On, tocover your face and not use you, or your partner's name(s) while doing so. Survivors may remember this later on.
If you are a wanted man, stay away from the towns you are wanted in! DUH!!!
Tortuga is a great place to learn the tools of the trade, find magical maps, and learn other, things…
There are some many other things that I could tell you, but anymore and they would deter you from this wonderful job!
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Are you ready?
So, you think you have what its got to be a REAL pirate? If so, please cut along the dotted lines above, sign your name in the area below and mail it to us in the envelope that you received it in! We can't wait for your letter to arrive! Until then, stay alive!
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