~ If I Saw Them Today ~

Hermione

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A/N: For the second round of Shira Lansys' 'Speed of Lightning' Competition. The prompt was 'Angst'. Enjoy, and please review! :)

If I saw them today, they wouldn't even know who I am. If I saw them now, their faces wouldn't light up with recognition and love. If I saw them this second, I would be a stranger to them.

My own parents don't remember me.

It's my own doing, I know. I'm the one that cast the spells that made them forget my existence. It was for their own good. But still, it didn't stop it hurting.

It was times like this, when the night was cold and long and I just felt so alone, that it hurt the most. It was nice to know that even though everything seemed so dark and dangerous where I am, there was always someone at home who cared for and worried about me.

But with their erased memories, they're not worrying about my welfare. They're not worried that I could be dead. They're not even at home.

I often wonder what they're doing. I wonder if they're enjoying themselves, living a normal, muggle life without any knowledge of witches and wizards and magical wars. I guess they are. There's no reason for them not to. It's not like they have a child to worry about anymore. Part of me hopes that they have an emptiness in their hearts, a hole that they cannot seem to fill. I don't want to believe that my lack of existence in their lives hasn't affected them at all.

They must know it. They must!

I'm struggling. I really am, but I can't do anything about it.

Ron's parents worry about him. They care, and feel empty without him.

Harry's parents are gone. Dead and buried, but safe and unaware of anything.

Like my parents, I suppose. They're safe, yes. They're unaware, yes.

At least they're alive though.

I'm being selfish, I know. They are alive and safe and unaware, and one day I'll go to where they are, and give them back their memories and they'll remember me again.

That makes me smile, but there's still an aching feeling in my chest.

What if this war takes my life? What if I die and never have the chance to get to them, to make them see I exist and tell them I'm sorry and that I love them. What if I die and they just carry on, not knowing that I fought in a war, that I tried to act as a hero, and am dead and rotten and cold in the ground?

They would just carry on, not knowing, not even caring about a stranger girl that died in a war that no muggles knew about. Maybe they would have another child, who would never know about their big sister. Maybe they would be a witch or wizard too. If they went to Hogwarts, would they hear about Hermione Granger, the girl who died in the Second Wizarding War? Would they see the connection and know who she was? Or would they find it a strange coincidence, and just enjoy their siblingless life?

No. I will survive, and I will go back to them and get them to realise I exist. And it will be in a world where they don't have worry and can be safe.

But what if they hate me for what I did? What if they don't forgive me for taking away their memories, even though it was just to keep them safe? What if they think I'm an awful daughter?

I can't keep thinking like this. They're my parents, and surely they'll love me no matter what?

I will get through this war, and I will get them back and we will be happy again. I need them, and I'm sure that even though they don't remember me, they must know deep down that there is someone missing from their lives.

Surely?

I try to convince myself over and over, though I know the power of the magic I cast.

I suppose there's only one question, really: is magic stronger than love? Than blood?

I don't really believe they could ever truly forget their own child. What parent can?

They will remember, and they will forgive. I am sure.

I huddle my legs to my chin and smile in the cold night.