my friend yelled this idea at me so i wrote it
this is mostly just crack with a lil bit of plot lol. i hope you enjoy!
His feet hit the ground in a steady thump thump, echoing that of his heart. He had to hurry, before it was too late...
He threw open the door to the Yorozuya with a slam, running inside. The room's occupants stared at him with a mixture of confusion and annoyance, but he had no time to care. They had to leave now. He gasped it out, breathing heavy.
"We... have to get out of here." They continued to stare at him. "Now."
Gintoki didn't look up from his Jump, sitting behind his desk. Kagura scoffed. "What's wrong, Mayo-prince? Out of cigarettes?"
Shinpachi smiled at him. "Hello, Hijikata-san."
He frowned. "What are you guys doing?" He asked, increasingly more frustrated. "We have to leave. Come on!"
"What are you talking about?" Gintoki drawled, uncrossing his propped up legs and recrossing them.
"I mean that you guys need to come with me to the bunker so you don't get blown to bits. Do you want to die?"
"What's going on that we would die?" Shinpachi asked, concerned.
He straightened up, finally able to breath regularly. "I'll explain on the way. For now, we need to go."
"Why would we listen to you, mayo-head?" Kagura leered. Gintoki flicked snot toward him. Only Shinpachi actually gave his attention.
"Because if you don't you'll die!" Why he was sent to deal with these people was a mystery to him, but he didn't have nearly enough patience to handle them today. He ground his teeth together and took a deep breath. "We heard from Director this morning an attack is coming to Earth, and that we were supposed to protect ourselves while the higher-ups fight. Anything might fall to the surface, and so being underground is the best. The Shinsengumi have a bunker, and Kondou-san sent me to tell you guys. We were supposed to be in there an hour ago, so we need to leave. Now."
Shinpachi stood up, as did Kagura, for the first time seemly paying attention. Gintoki just sighed.
"How lousy is the government if it can't deal with a couple of aliens without endangering civilian life?" He grumbled, but slowly got to his feet. Hijikata sighed in relief and turned to leave.
He stood outside the door for the couple of minutes it took them to get ready - Kagura stuffing her pockets with sukonbu, Gintoki shoving his Jump into the front of his yukata - and then they were leaving.
Gintoki couldn't believe the mayo-head. The world was ending? Pfft, as if. But Shinpachi and Kagura were both convinced, or at least were playing along, and so he decided to humor them. It would get him out of a day of work, at the very least. He wouldn't complain about that.
Hijikata sat behind him on his motorbike, holding reluctantly onto his belt so he didn't fall off. Kagura and Shinpachi were astride Sadaharu, talking loudly about something or the other. Gintoki was following the directions Hijikata shouted into his ear every once in a while, hoping that this ride would end soon. He wanted to get back to his Jump.
Eventually Hijikata yelled that this was the place, and he slowed to a stop. Kagura jumped off of Sadaharu and looked around the seemingly bare landscape.
"It's over here." Hijikata said, leading them to one of the few bushes that decorated the ground. He shifted the dry dirt behind it, revealing a metal ring that he pulled; a door emerged, opening to show stairs leading down. "This is the official Shinsengumi emergency bunker, so don't go spreading its coordinates to anyone."
They assented in unison, and Hijikata stepped aside to let them in. He closed the door behind him.
"All those tax dollars spent on this, and you don't even get lights?" Gintoki complained as they descended. Hijikata had pulled out a small flashlight so they could see the steps, but it wasn't illuminated any other way.
"Cheap tax robbers." Kagura agreed. Gintoki watched Hijikata frown.
"We didn't want to spend money on unnecessary accessories. Lights take electricity, which we don't have much of out here."
"Cheap tax robbers." Kagura repeated.
"I think it's good that they have something like this, but shouldn't we be helping the other citizens as well?" Shinpachi asked, always the practical character.
"The author is too lazy to come up with an actual threat for this story, so we don't have to worry about them." Gintoki assured, picking his nose. "If they don't have names they'll come back next time even if they die."
"I guess that makes sense." Shinpachi said.
It was left at that, and they didn't talk again until the stairs ended and they came to a door. Hijikata moved ahead and opened it. Gintoki could see the outline of people contrasting with candle light from inside the room.
"I got them." Hijikata called out as they walked inside. Kondou came up to greet them, patting Hijikata on the shoulder.
"Good work! Now we just wait here until Director tells us the coast is clear." Kondou laughed light heartedly. "Toushi, how about you show them around? This place is pretty big and I don't want anyone getting lost."
Hijikata grumbled but did as Kondou said, telling them to follow him.
It was hard to see with the dim light, but shelves were slowly coming into focus the closer they got to them. It wasn't until he was right next to one that he could see what was on it, but when he did, he couldn't help making a disgusted face.
All of the shelves were covered in bottles of mayonnaise.
All of them.
Or at least the ones he could see.
A glance over at Kagura and Shinpachi revealed them making the same disgusted face. Hijikata turned to look at them.
"What is it?" He asked.
The three of them directed their stares at him. Hijikata frowned.
"Really, what's wrong?" His gaze jumped between them.
"Hijikata-san..." Shinpachi started.
"Who let the idiot mayo-head buy the groceries?" Kagura interrupted, turning up her nose at him.
"How did you know it was me?" Hijikata asked, and Gintoki was horrified when he realized that he was actually asking that question.
"Who else would fill a bunker with mayo instead of food?" Gintoki said. "It's one of your major character traits! If there was a fridge full of strawberry milk, there would be no doubt that it was mine! Or if there was a pantry full of sukonbu, it's Kagura's! Pay attention to your own character, idiot!"
"Kondou-san just told me to buy whatever I saw fit to get. Of course I would get mayo." Hijikata explained. Gintoki rubbed a hand down his face.
"Did you get any real food? Do you expect us to live off of just this shit?"
"Mayo is the only good food." Hijikata said simply, then continued walking. "Come on," He said. "Let's just get this over with."
Gintoki looked back over the wall of mayo with another look of horror before following.
It's nearly three months later that they hear from Director.
"There actually wasn't any problems." He said. "I honestly forgot about you guys. You can come back now."
Notes: