WARNING: This story is rated T for shounen-ai/yaoi and friends with benefits relationships.

Summary: Allen knows it isn't right, Kanda and him having sex without a relationship. Will it last forever? Or will he realize that he needs a relationship?

Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.

Forever

Original Song: "Forever" by The Birthday Massacre

Today is the first of our numbered.

We're never asleep.

I lie with my eyes open, staring at Kanda's back as he sleeps. Sometimes, I wish he would hold me. Sometimes, I wish he wanted the relationship that I did. A friend with benefits wasn't my idea, but it was better than nothing.

Rolling over, I silently sigh, nuzzling into the blankets. When we were together, I pretend that he loves me, not just my body. I pretend that his comments were about me as a person and not the reactions he can draw out of me by licking here and squeezing there. Kanda probably doesn't realize I feel like this. Not that he would care.

Exorcists have to find happiness somewhere, don't they? No one knows if tomorrow is there last day, or maybe that's next week. But one thing's for sure. When I'm with Kanda, I feel like that's far away, but that doesn't mean it's not on my mind. Maybe if he just kissed me goodnight or held me closer to him, I might get some sleep.

Sometimes, there's a voice when I close my eyes.

Sometimes, I can't hear you speak.

Neah constantly haunted me. His voice echoed through my mind. His golden eyes watched me when I closed my eyes.

Should I fear that something would happen? One night, I might be doing something perverted with Kanda and Neah may take over my body. What would happen? As much as he hates to admit it, probably to himself, too, the bluenette is vulnerable when he's with me. There is a deeper level of trust one must have to let one's body be as open as ours are to one another.

The thoughts of what could happen cause me to drift. I can't hear the people around me, and it's like I'm in a nightmarish pit. That voice that reminds me that I'm different. That voice that tells me that I'm not safe to be around.

I have to pretend constantly. The fake smile glued to my face wherever I go until I get back to my room, or sometimes I find relief in the forest behind the Order, screaming and crying in a place that no one can hear my misery.

Did you learn to take cover?

Or are you running away?

Kanda had a lot on his mind, too. I know that. He won't tell me what it is, even though I've asked. It was only once, but he got extremely angry with me.

But even though he won't say anything, I know it has something to do with that lotus hourglass. One night, I woke up when his bathroom door opened, and he sat down just to stare at it. There's no way on Earth that I mistook the tear rolling down his cheek.

Sometimes, I can tell that he uses me to forget about the world around us. I guess I don't mind that much, but I can see it in his eyes. They're distant, even when he's staring directly at me, and I recognize the pent up feelings.

And you see right through me.

This shouldn't last forever.

We're so close,

But now it's time to say goodbye.

Kanda's different from everyone else around me though. When we're together, he peels away the layers that encase me, and I don't know why, but I feel safe.

I still remember the first time something like that happened:

The back of my knees hit the bed, ending with Kanda hovering over me, and I allow him to press his lips to mine again.

"Don't pretend like you don't know I'm here."

I push away the voice, focusing on Kanda's tongue sliding sensually against mine, and I push up, flipping us over so that he was under me. Of course, the bluenette wasn't very fond of this idea, glaring at me, but I ignore him, beginning to work on the buttons of his uniform.

"You know, this would be much easier if you didn't wear so many layers," I mumble as he shrugs the robust material off his arms, and I quickly pull his muscle shirt over his head. He doesn't reply, but I didn't expect him to.

"Why would he want to be with someone who's cursed?"

Shut up, I growl in my mind, massaging Kanda's biceps while I kiss down his chest, stopping at his nipple.

"The only reason he wants you is because of your body. You aren't special to him."

I stop my movements, trying to refocus my mind to the task at hand. Biting my lip, I stare off to the side, wishing Neah would let me be, but it's not like I can get away from him.

"Don't pay attention to him."

Raising my head, I look at Kanda as he sits up, using his hands on the small of my back to press my body to his, and he watches me through his long lashes, "Neah can say whatever he wants. It's up to you whether it affects you or not."

"How did you know it was him?" I ask quietly, searching his eyes for something false. Anything to convince me that he didn't care. I found nothing.

Raising an eyebrow at me, he says, "You can't fool me with the fake smiles and happiness. Do you think I haven't noticed the way your eyes no longer shine? Or the way that you don't bounce slightly as you walk like you used to? You don't have to pretend when you're with me."

I couldn't remember the last time I had been so happy. I mean, I hadn't been happy happy, but I had felt like Kanda had actually paid attention to me.

Even though I knew that the sex and closeness meant nothing, I couldn't bring myself to break it off with Kanda. Maybe one day I would, but right now, I'm okay with sleeping with him. That closeness may be fake to him, but not to me.

You wait for the sun in the morning.

I'm waiting for rain.

"What are you doing up so early, Kanda?" I ask curiously, walking out into the grass beside him. I decided to take a walk to calm my nerves since I couldn't sleep last night, but the sun hadn't even risen yet.

"Meditating," he replied bluntly, and I take note of the position he was in. Lotus flower. Nodding, I ask, "But why so early?"

Opening his eyes to look at me, he says, "The best time to meditate is while the sun is rising. A samurai must be able to wake up before dawn to await the sun."

"I've never really found the sun that interesting," I say, sitting beside him, and I can just barely make out the light beginning to seep into the night sky.

"Why?"

It surprised me that he even asked since Kanda was not the type of person to let curiosity get the best of him, but nonetheless, I respond, "I like rain. It seems like nothing bad ever happens when it rains. My parents abandoned me in the winter, but it didn't start snowing until Mana found me. It didn't rain when he died, or when I lost my arm. And it's so beautiful, you know? Dancing in the rain. Mana used to say, 'Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain', and I guess I've always held on to that."

I shut myself up, realizing I was rambling, and I blush, not looking at the bluenette.

"Interesting."

Sometimes, you're too close when I close my eyes.

For now, you're quiet again.

Kanda didn't seem willing to move from my side, his arm draped over my body lazily. Somehow, my heartbeat managed to speed up from the proximity of our bodies. Sure, we were close when we had sex, but this was different. This was my version of intimate.

"Kanda?"

He doesn't reply, but he pulls me closer to him, my back pressed flush to his chest, and I smile.

When this story is over, you'll never want it the same.

Did you learn to take cover?

Or are you running away?

I know that this is just something that's temporary. Temporary bliss as most would call it. But even though I know that, I still want Kanda to be with me.

When I feel weak, he protects me in his own way. When I'm hurting, he notices and tries to make me feel better discreetly. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe he just wants sex. It really wouldn't surprise me if that's all he wants, but I can still dream.

I realize that I'm running from the world by doing this, by sleeping with Kanda without having a relationship. It does bother me that I'm being used, but I don't want to take away the slightest connection I have to him.

And you see right through me.

This shouldn't last forever.

We're so close,

But now it's time to say goodbye.

Talk to me.

This voice is the faintest I've heard in the longest time.

"You know…used…nothing…."

I moan as Kanda latches on to my nipple, swirling his tongue around the bud slowly and rolling the other under his thumb. Neah's voice was nearly silent. Kanda made it fade away.

"Ka-Kanda…" I pant, wrapping my legs around his waist as if he would leave if I didn't.

I wasn't strong enough. My mind was fuzzy and clouded with want and desire that burned inside my soul. Kanda's body, hands, and tongue on my body felt right, and I couldn't bring myself to hold that in, moans pouring from my mouth.

"Someone will hear you, Moyashi," he muttered in irritation. I don't react to the nickname, feeling myself sadden. How many times had I imagined Kanda saying that he wanted me to scream his name? How many times had I imagined him doing the same, my name falling multiple times off his lips?

"Annoyance, he just wants to feel your body around him. Not you. Your body."

Now that it's tired, do you pretend?

You know I do.

"Hey, Allen!" Lavi greets as I sit with him and Lenalee, my two dozen plates wobbling dangerously. Smiling the best I can, I say, "Hey, how have you guys been?"

Lenalee blushes violently, eating her salad silently, and her boyfriend replies suggestively, "We were great last night. I'm surprised you couldn't hear―Hey!"

The girl smirked while Lavi rubs his victimized leg.

"Good to know," I say happily, beginning to eat my food, and he begins telling a story about a mission he had gone on a few weeks ago.

I wish Kanda and I were like that, I thought, nodding and laughing at the appropriate times. I don't know what Kanda does in his time around humanity. Maybe he doesn't have to pretend like I do because it doesn't affect him like it does me.

At that moment, the bluenette sat down beside me, ignoring the rest of us while he silently enjoys his soba. Lavi and Lenalee don't acknowledge his presence, probably because they knew he wouldn't say or do anything in response.

Are you acting? Or are you just that relaxed around people? Would you be like this if we hadn't ever slept together?

My telepathy skills were lacking since he doesn't reply, but that doesn't keep me from wondering.

Do you want to see this to the end?

You know, you know I do.

Sitting quietly on Kanda's bed, I wait for him to return from training. I knew that he went directly to the training room after dinner before coming back at sunset. I really did pay a lot of attention to him.

But was that a good thing? Kanda obviously doesn't feel the same way as I do, but I continue to dream, praying for something to change. Maybe Kanda would grow a heart. Maybe he might take me out on a descent date. Maybe he'll love me the way I love him.

"Why would he do that? You're worthless!"

"Moyashi?" Kanda asked. I hadn't even noticed the door opening, but I don't react to the thought. While he props Mugen against the wall, I say, "Um, I had a question to ask you."

"Then stop being an annoyance and get on with it."

And you see right through me.

I hesitate for a minute, looking down at my lap. The bed sinks down beside me, and Kanda asks, "What? It's not like you to think over something. You jump in head first."

"I-I was just wondering…um…" I trail off, still not sure how to say this, but I decide on asking directly. "What are we exactly?"

This shouldn't last forever.

Kanda doesn't seem caught off guard by the question, and I continue, "I mean, we don't have a real relationship, do we? It's not like this is something that we can do forever."

"What do you think the relationship is?"

I stop, not sure how to answer his question. For the most part, I think I just went along with it.

"I feel like we're using each other for pleasure, but there's no meaning behind it. I-I don't think that's what a real relationship should be about," I say quietly. Directing my eyes to his, Kanda asks, "Have you kissed anyone other than me?"

"Road?"

My answer seemed to amuse him, but he doesn't push anymore on the matter. No, he just pushes his lips to mine.

At first, I found this counterproductive, but as his lips move against mine, I felt something spark inside me. This was different from all the other times he's kissed me. His tongue teases my lips lightly until I open them willingly, finding the gentleness something odd but not something I was unhappy about. I couldn't feel the normal lust and desire radiating from Kanda as I melt into his arms that had somehow gotten around me, and it felt passionate. It felt like he was earnestly kissing me, not just trying to get me to spread my legs.

When he pulled away, I pant, "What…was that…for?"

We're so close.

"I don't just want your body," Kanda says, waiting for my reaction.

"But you still want my body."

"It's pleasurable, but I'm not sure exactly what else it is. I just…I just don't want you to leave," he says, looking away. Did that mean he loved me? I wasn't sure.

Taking a breath, I finally reply, "Kanda, I want something more than just having sex with you. I feel more for you, and for a long time, I was okay with this, but I just can't anymore."

Raising his head as I stand he asks, "What does that mean?"

But now it's time to say goodbye.

Smiling sadly, I whisper, "It means that I need time by myself, and I want you to decide what you want. Either you want something serious or you don't."

Giving him a kiss on the cheek before turning to the door, I walk towards it, my hand on the knob when Kanda calls, "Wait!"

Talk to me.

I stop, but I don't turn around, waiting for him to continue.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to make a decision. I'll wait for you," I reply, voice cracking. After a moment, he says, "But I―"

"Goodbye, Kanda," I say, tears slipping down my cheeks as I walk out the door.

This voice is the faintest I've heard in the longest time.

Author Note: So was it any good? Should I do more? I want to hear from you, so please, Please, PLEASE review!