AN: I don't own Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, nor the characters within.
I am a feline. And, because I am a feline, I don't understand why my owners wear clothes. They're so beautiful without them, after all! And isn't it stifling? Whenever they're alone (with me, of course!) the clothing disappears anyway, and they start rolling all over each other like each of them was hiding a pack of catnip or something. Sometimes I wander over, wanting some of the stuff for myself, but they always shoo me away. Hmph. Oh well. I do have a catnip problem, after all, so I guess it's good that they keep it away from me. But still… I want to purr too!
Anyway, their clothing. It's so odd! Usually it covers all of their arms and legs (how do they move??) and comes in all different colors. I can see why they change colors, seeing as almost every other human I've seen has the same coloring. Hah! How boring! How do they recognize each other? They don't have superior senses of smell like I do, and the only patch of fur they have are on their heads! They get rid of all the other fur! How disgusting. No wonder they always bundle up. They must be so cold all the time.
And whenever I watch them eating, they use their paws! That's not good. We (meaning felines, of course) only use our paws to play with our food, stun it, and immobilize our prey. That's what paws should be used for. You certainly shouldn't stoop to using other objects to eat it, too! If you have to use your paws, just spear the food with a claw! Or your fang. That works, too.
And the point of cleanliness? They use water! Water! Not their spit – at least, not all the time. My owners certainly do groom each other often, but they usually end up taking a shower after. I know. I followed them once, when they left the door to our room slightly open. As soon as I stepped onto the cold floor (it was like stone!) and heard the water running, I crawled closer (my belly getting chilly in the process). And then! Then! I crawled up to them, watched them disrobe each other…and got hit in the face with warm water. Right in my face! I hissed, puffed my fur, and shot out of there. How can they stand it?
Their paws are useful for something, though. When one of them, the redfurred one, or the blonde, isn't busy, she'll scoop me up, cuddle in close, and I'll let her rub my belly. The red one certainly knows how to massage my ears and face, and I've learned that when she's working on something that smells like a tree (hey, I used to be outside once, before the pound) I can sidle in close, and she'll scratch my head without even looking at me. The blonde one? She gives the best belly rubs! I see her practicing on red all time, and I feel so fortunate that she's doing that for me. No one's ever tried so hard to please me before… I'm so lucky. I try to crawl onto their pillow at least once every night and purr as loudly as I can just to thank them.
Oh, and there's Amy. She's a rat. My prey. Only trouble is, she doesn't smell right. And she's stuck inside that plastic thing, anyway, so I can't get to her. Sometimes she looks at me (I get bored when red and blonde aren't home during the day) and I can tell she's plotting something. I heard red mutter under her breath once that Amy was rubbing her little paws together like she was being devious, and I have to agree with her. Amy certainly is. I tried swiping her once. Once. I'm a feline! It's what I do! It's like catnip: I see it, I pounce. But she bit me. She bit me! I'm the one who's supposed to bite her! The pecking order, after all.
Oh, and speaking of talking. (Hah! Get it? Speaking of talking. Whoo… I love my kitty-logic.) How is it that I can understand everything my owners say, but they can't understand me? I meow and meow all the time, but they only look confused, start petting me, and try to figure out what I'm saying as if they can only hear my tone of voice. My tone! I'm asking for a perfectly good reason to be let outside, and they think I'm hungry (I'm not even near the food bowl at the time!)! The blonde one, though, she understands me better than red, so I usually concentrate on her when I need something really badly. And the others? Hey, I'm content with extra food whenever I can get it!
Sigh… Just, sometimes I'm lonely… For some reason, I can't speak with Amy; it's like she's not natural. And red and blonde aren't home all the time. Especially since that evil Hell God destroyed our old home. Now they're off with their friends (who I don't get to see all that often anymore, either!) and I just get a teensy bit bored. After all, that piece of string gets kind of boring when you just have yourself to play with. I can't reach my belly, either, to rub it, and red and blonde took away my catnip for special occasions.
Well, isn't this a special occasion?? I'm alone! Alone, as in no one who can pay attention to me is here! And I want to do something! I'm BORED!!!!!