Playlist for this story is available. The link is on my profile
Also, disclaimer: The characters belong to SMeyer. The songs belong to their respective owners. Enjoy
"But, what do I know about healing a teenage girl's broken heart, Renee? Maybe you should just co—"
"Don't you even finish that thought, Charlie. She is your daughter and she needs you. If I come there she will end up taking care of me instead of dealing with her problems, we both know it. Just open the box…"
And that's how I ended up here, a pint each of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, Chunky Monkey and Half Baked ice cream melting on the bedside table and a box full of numbered envelopes and colored bags in my lap. I take a deep breath and pull open envelope number one.
My Dearest Bella,
Your father has filled me in about the situation and I want you to know, baby, I am so sorry I'm not there to help you through this. But, well, I never have been very good at taking care of you when, have I? The way I figure it, the only way for me to take care of you without you flipping the roles on me is to be there for you without being there for you.
First, get out of those clothes. I know you're sitting there in a ratty t-shirt, holey sweats and your hair's not brushed. Take the red bag out of the box, grab a towel and the blue thermal pajamas I snuck into your bag and go take a bath. Use the bubbles and light the candles. Condition your hair and don't shave your legs. It's time for you to take some YOU time. Charlie is out with Billy and Harry and won't be home until late, so take your time. This is a day for wallowing. Move onto the next envelope when you get back.
Love, your mom
A smile almost raises the corner of my mouth at Renee's orders. Bubble baths had been a Sunday ritual in Phoenix. It was our "girly bonding time." So I cross to my dresser and dig into the back of the very bottom drawer to find the pajamas, grab the bag and head to the bathroom. While the water's heating and the filling the tub I return the ice cream to the freezer so it isn't a complete mess when I get the order to eat it.
I trudge slowly up the stairs and shuffle into the bathroom where I light the candles, add the bubble solution to the steaming water and undress before lowering myself into the tub. I do as I'm told, wash and condition my hair and lounge in the tub until my fingers are wrinkled and the water is chilled. Then I pull the stopper from the drain, dry myself of and pull on the familiar pajamas.
I settle back into bed before I pull out envelope number two.
There, don't you feel better? Now, pull out your CD player and put in the CD. Listen to each song—from beginning to end—and open the envelopes in order for an explanation as to each song choice. This is a part of the healing process, so I expect you to let your emotions take control. Cry, laugh, get mad. You need to experience the pain in order to move on, Bella. It's the only way to even try to be whole again.
I pull the jewel case out of the box and slip the disc into my CD player, pushing play as I reach for the third envelope. I'm surprised at the notes that fill the air. No matter how hard I fight, I know the tears are going to flow, just as, I'm sure, Renee wanted. She always did say that a good cry is necessary when dealing with a break up. I scrub my eyes as I pull open the envelope.
I know, it's not really "Mom type" music. But it is a song that perfectly describes the way every girl feels after their first break up. So sit back, close your eyes and let the tears come, baby. There are warranted. You're hurting and nothing is going to fix that but time. This will help though, in the long run. I promise.
And so I do. I lay back, close my eyes and let the tears soak my face, sliding down into my hairline as I mumble the words, "…All this time you were pretending. So much for my happy ending…" stuttering and choking through the rest of the song. I wipe my eyes, and hiccup through the pause of the song change and pick out the fourth envelope as the pain filled notes ring out. Renee can't possibly know how much the song fits and how much it tears at me to hear it. But I listen as I read through the next note.
I know more than anyone how hard it is to have the words left unsaid when the one you love walks away and so this song, as you know, was always on repeat after break ups. You're probably sick of it. But listen to it and let yourself think of all the things you would say if he was still here, baby. Grab the blue bag and write one thing on each of the Post-its and tomorrow go and put each one at some special places that you two shared. That way they won't always be "Edward" places, because you are making them yours. That way you can have a full life, even while you're missing him. I don't want you to think you ever have to forget him, or your love. Just be able to live, honey. That's all any of us want.
I pull out the sparkly pink pen that I knew to be my old friends Jenny's and the purple Post-its that Renee always bought in bulk. On the first I write the question that has been screaming through my head every second since he left me in the woods.
WHY?
On the next one I watch my messy scrawl form the words I will never tell another person.
I love you
The notes go on like this until the song fades out and I quickly put them aside, wiping the silent tears from my face. I push pause before the next song has a chance to start and take a few deep breaths. I silently will myself to be strong enough to continue with Renee's "miracle cure" for heartbreak. I pull out the fifth envelope and push play. A song I don't recognize begins and the first few notes are so heartbreaking I almost skip forward because I don't know if I can handle that much pain.
I doubt you recognize this one, but it is a personal favorite of mine and I want you to simply listen. No project. Just cry. Hug your pillow to your chest, bury your face in it and let it out. I'm so sorry you're hurting, baby. After this song go down to the kitchen and take the white bag out of the cupboard to the left of the sink. Be careful not to drop it and follow the directions inside.
And so I do. I curl myself around my pillow, close my eyes and sob as the lyrics sing out my feelings. By the end, I am sobbing so hard I can hardly hear the last line, the one I hope I will eventually be strong enough to live up to. I keep repeating the words to myself as I hit pause and stumble from the room, leaning on the wall as I head down the stairs. "So long, my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should've known you'd cause me heartache. Almost lovers always do."
I make my way into the kitchen simply off reflex, my eyes still streaming with the tears I didn't know I had been holding in. I yank the cupboard open and pull the bag from inside, sliding my hand under the bottom to support the surprising weight. I set it on the table and pull the folded note from inside.
I know you must be tired after that one. But before you sit down, pull the ice cream out of the freezer and take the grocery bag out of the fridge. Follow the instructions below.
I turn around and remove the three cartons of ice cream from the freezer and pluck the bag out of the refrigerator. I turn back to the table and plop myself down in my chair before picking the note back up.
Remove scoop, bowl, and spoon from first bag
Place one scoopful of each flavor ice cream into bowl
Remove items from grocery bag
Poor chocolate sauce generously over top of ice cream
Add the chocolate chips
Add more
Open graham crackers and break 3 into four pieces each and position in bowl
Put ice cream away—leave the rest for Charlie to clean up—and take your sundae and go back to bed
I can't help but smile at Renee's directions for our "Rainy Day Sundaes." They were a staple when I was growing up. Every time it would rain while I was at school Renee would have all the ingredients out on the counter when I got home. And we'd put on our pajamas and our slippers and curl up in front of a movie to enjoy our treat. I put the cartons back in the freezer and head back upstairs. I pull the blankets over my legs and take a bite of a soggy graham cracker before picking up the envelope numbered 'six' and pushing play. The familiar music makes me feel warm inside. This was always one of my mother's favorite songs—pre breakup, post breakup, even if she was happily in a relationship. I think she even requested it at her wedding to Phil. Only he and I understood it wasn't a message or anything. Renee just liked the Wreckers. I hum around my mouthful of chocolate as I pull out the next note.
Great song. I don't really have anything else to say. Oh, here's something. I know it feels like he took all the pieces to your heart when he left, but you have to let your heart try to put itself back together, at least as best as it can. This song isn't about wanting him to leave so much as wanting to be able to feel whole again, like yourself after he's gone. So, tomorrow, when you're ready, pick up the pieces you have and put on a smile. You are strong, baby girl. You will make it through this, no matter how impossible that seems right now.
I let the tears fall as I sing around the ice cream I have been slowly scooping into my mouth. "It's alright, yeah I'll be fine. Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine. Just take your love and hit the road." The words have lost their bite by the final notes and I find that I'm glad she included a 'self empowerment' song as she liked to put it. It definitely made me believe her words, that someday I could maybe feel alive again. I pluck the next envelope from the box as the fifth song starts.
Okay, I know I went from "Go Bella! Life will go on" to "You'll die without him" but this CD wouldn't be complete without this one. Do not follow in her footsteps, Bella. Edward would want more for you!
And the lyrics begin as I put the note down, a knot slowly building in my stomach. She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette. She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget. Sure, gender reversal, but this was definitely the song to describes what I want to do. I sob and hiccup my way through the song until I hear the beginning to one of my own favorite songs. I pull open the eighth envelope and lean back into my pillows.
I know this is one of your favorites, but I also thought it was fitting. Please hang in there sweetheart. The pain gets easier to bear. I promise. So sing it. I want you to get every single word out.
"There's no one in town I know. You gave us some place to go. I never said thank you for that, 'thought I might get one more chance…" I sing with a shaky voice as the gentle music washes over me. I sniffle and hiccup but I sing out ever word into the empty room. As I sing I closed my eyes, letting memories flood me. Memories of me and Alice singing this as we sped to Seattle for a shopping trip, me and Edward singing quietly together as we cuddled in my bed, and me and Renee shouting it out during road trips all meld together in my mind. I let out a soft sigh as the song ends and reach for envelope number nine.
Well, this seems to be the number one teen angst song these days according to the internet. I know it doesn't really fit the situation, but you can feel her pain so I thought it was a valid choice. During this song I want you to think back to all you past crushes. I bet that during every single infatuation, you probably thought you would never survive if he didn't pick you. But here you are. Don't you see how strong you are? Hang in there, honey.
And Taylor Swift's "Teardrops On My Guitar" begins. It's true, this is the number one song on every girl in my homeroom's Top 25 on their iPod. And you really can feel her pain. During the song I think back to the three crushes I've had during my life. First there was Tyler Johnston in the third grade. I was absolutely smitten with him for about three days. But he tripped me on the way in from snack time and I never spoke to him again. Then there was Ryan Meyer when I was in seventh grade. Me and my best friend, Jenny, were both completely in loooooove with him. The doodles in our notebook of our names together and day dreams of our fist kiss kind of in love. But at the Spring Dance he asked Jenny to dance and they were still dating when I moved to Charlie's last year. The last one was during the summer before freshman year. Danny was my neighbor's nephew who came to visit and we spent almost every minute of July and August together. But it never got romantic and by the time he left I had moved on. But the first few days had been full of lip gloss and hair flipping. I can't help but see Renee's point. But Edward wasn't some crush and I'm honestly not sure I will ever be able to move past this. And at this point, I don't want to. Not unless he's here with me, which he obviously isn't.
I pull the note free from the tenth envelope as the music changes again.
Every girl dreams of having a guy feel about her this way. And from what I heard between you and Charlie, it seems like Edward truly did. So I want you to write down five times he made you feel like the center of his universe.
I pick up the pen and Post-its again and start my list.
The first night he stayed with me
The day in the meadow
When he took me to the Prom
Anytime I would catch him staring at me
Whenever I would wake up to him just watching me sleep
I crumple the list as soon as I finish writing it and toss it in the box. By now the next song has started and I quickly pluck the note out of the eleventh envelope. My lip twitches in its lame attempt at a smile as I recognize the singer's voice. I know what this note will focus on.
Yes, by now you have figured out that this is James Marsters, or more correctly his band. The song isn't all that well known but it is definitely a beautiful song. And even if it is sad, it gives me a slight sense of hope. He sings about faith, and the possibility of this just being a 'for now' status. You have to take the hope where you can get it at this stage, sweetie. Sit back and let that sweet voice tell you what you want to hear.
As I listen to the lyrics, I do feel a slight sense of hope. I close my eyes and pretend it's Edward singing the lines There will be other guys, who will whisper in your ear, say they'll take away your sadness and your fear. They may be kind and true, they may be good for you. But they'll never care for you more than I do. My eyes are misty by the final 'Goodnight, sweet girl,' but I hold it together as I free the note from the twelfth envelope. The familiar opening to the next song makes me want to groan. No matter which radio station you turn to these days you are bombarded by this song. But no break up CD would be complete without it, cliché or not.
I know, I know. Uberpopular song. But it fits as far as break up songs, don't you think?
I let my head bob to the slow tempo of the song as I think back to the first time I heard Edward's melodic voice. He really does have the lips of an angel...a single tear slips down my cheek before I let out a chuckle about how ridiculous I sound, even in my own head. The chuckle turns into a laugh as the next song starts and I reach for envelope thirteen to see what Renee has to say about Cat Stevens.
This song needs no explanation. It's on every single break up mix ever created. Google it if you don't believe me. But think about this, if this world wasn't as wild as it is, would you have found love? You could never have found anyone to hold your interest if he wasn't at least a little wild, my darling Bella.
I giggle again. If only Renee knew just how wild he could be. I think back to that day in the meadow, when Edward disappeared and showed me just how good a predator he truly is. No, Renee could never know just how wild he is. But I do. I'm still thinking about my wild love when Whitney Houston breaks through my clouded thoughts with one of Renee, and interestingly enough Charlie's, favorite songs. I can't help but sing mockingly as I read over the note from the fourteenth envelope. "And I-I-I-I-I-I will alwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays love yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu."
Do not mock, Isabella Marie. This is a beautiful song and if you can't appreciate it then you don't deserve to hear it. I said stop. Oh, you never listen to me. Enjoy, baby. Get up, grab a hair brush and belt it out for all to hear. Call me if you want, you know I'll sing with you.
For a moment I consider calling Phoenix, but I'm not ready to cry again now that I've stopped. So I jump up from the comfort of my bed, lift my hair brush-turned-microphone and finish off the song before I tumble to the floor in a giggling heap. I definitely understand why she included this one. Renee knows better than anyone that this song would get me out of any funk, even if only momentarily. A song I don't recognize starts and I reach for Renee's explanation in the envelope labeled 'fifteen.'
This is a question that everyone asks themselves after they get left. And it's not a question we will ever be able to answer ourselves. If you ever get in touch with him again, I recommend making him give this song a listen. It pretty much sums up all the questions swirling around the pretty little head of yours, doesn't it?
As I listen, realize that this is exactly what I want to ask him. What was the point? Why did he need to break my heart? Was it all just a game? How could he throw it all away like that? By the time I surface from the questions that drown me in the silence of my mind, Evanescence's My Immortal is halfway over and I can't help the hollow laugh that I let out at the irony of that song title. The sixteenth envelope holds another note that I force myself to read while fresh, hot tears fall.
When you used to talk about you and Edward, this was always the song that came to mind. And it seemed fitting to include it. It is a beautiful, painful song. So let yourself have a good cry again here. I'm sending you some major hugs here, I know I would need them if it was me.
Again, I do as I'm told and cry out my feelings through this song and the next, only reading the contents Renee's seventeenth envelope at the end of 'Say Goodbye' by Theory of a Deadman, one of my new favorite bands, though I haven't told Renee that yet. The song is bittersweet but has and angry edge to it, which I really enjoy right now.
And now I have the first "angry stage" song. This is a song Phil recommended I add. He said that you would find it fitting. So, that's his contribution.
I open envelope eighteen as the next song fills the room. I sigh as I realize that I should have realized Renee wouldn't get through this without a John Mayer song. He is her current obsession. I skim over her note, which is mostly about the hunkiness of the singer rather than her song choice, and wait patiently for the next song to start. When it does I search for the envelope labeled nineteen and chuckle slightly as I read about her "Papa Roach Dilemma."
I honestly didn't know if I should put this song or "Scars" but I finally decided that, for the break up cure CD this was the way to go. So sit back, relax, and think back on the hard times of forever. Hit pause before the next song starts and read the note.
It feels like someone punches me in the gut every time I hear this song since he left. He had deemed this as "our song" just a week prior to the Cullens' move. Because our feelings for each other truly were forever. Or so I thought. I guess his weren't. He always said forever had different connotation for someone who would truly live forever. I'm surprised to note that no tears fall during this song, but I have finally gotten my breath back by the final lines. I push the pause button and pull out the twentieth envelope and read the instructions.
Get up and dance. Dance your heart out and don't stop until the song is over.
I push play and actually laugh a real laugh as Kelly Clarkson assaults my silent room. I jump and twist and gyrate through the song , singing out with the chorus. "Since you been gone! I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on…" I know the words aren't true, even as I'm singing them. But, for the moment, this is a lie I will let myself believe. I refuse to correct the lyrics. And for the moment, I can breathe. For just this one song, the pain is not suffocating. This is so liberating I silently promise myself to play this song whenever the grief and pain get to be too much. I fall into a breathless heap when the song dies down and roll to search for the next envelope. I'm not surprised at the song choice. I'm only surprised it took this long for Renee's favorite 'angry song' to make an appearance. I reach for the Post-its before I even finish reading my mother's loopy scrawl.
You knew this one was coming. I always was the best at the anger part of the break up. So I want you to write down 5 things about Edward that you just can't stand. Read them again tomorrow, with a clearer head. It will really make you see him in a different light. I promise. Pause the CD before the last song begins and read the next note.
And so I write, chuckling slightly at how ridiculous this is.
He was so perfect. I always felt inferior.
That he couldn't read my mind. Even though it would have driven me crazy, maybe if he could have he wouldn't have left.
That he didn't know what the brake pedal was for.
His stupid hair that would never behave. It always stuck up every which way.
Mostly, that it feels like half of me is gone since he left. He said it would be like he never existed. But there's so much of me that isn't me without Edward.
I don't really know why I explained it all in writing. It's not like anyone is ever going to see these, but there it is anyway. Another reminder. Holy crow, why did Renee make me do this? I finish arguing with myself as the song ends and I reach for the pause button. Sitting up, I pull out the twenty second note and smile a watery smile at the final direction.
Call home.
I walk across my room and pick up the phone. Renee answers halfway through the first ring and I know she's been sitting by the phone waiting for me to call since she kicked Charlie out this morning.
"Hi Mom."
"No time for talking, Bells. Turn up the volume and push play. We have a song to butcher." She tries to hold in the laugh, but I hear it anyway and half smile as I twist the volume knob and press the play button. I hear the familiar sounds as Renee pulls her chair across the carpet to open up the living room I grew up in as the music starts. And without being told, my body is twisting and bouncing when I break out in the opening lyrics.
"At first I was afraid. I was petrified…"
"Sing it, baby," Renee hollers and I hear Phil chuckle in the background.
I'm crying while we sing, but, somehow, I know that's ok. This is what I need, even if I didn't know it. Renee is the one taking care of me, for once. And I don't know how I will ever be able to thank her.
It's hours later when Charlie walks through the door to find me curled up on the couch, tears dried on my face and an empty bowl on the table in front of me. I look up at my father and I can see it in his eyes when he sees that I'm alive. That I will survive this, no matter how I may seem on the outside. I know it is going to take time, and I know that will be the hardest part on both of us, but especially Charlie. And for him I will try. I will do everything I am told, I will stay out of trouble. And, hopefully, someday I will be whole again. At least now I am trying. I can hardly hear the words, Charlie is hugging me so tightly, his face in my hair. But I pull my mouth into an attempt at a smile as he voices my own thoughts.
"Thank God for Renee, and a miracle cure."
Fin
A/N :Okay so I know this was extremely OoC. But I was having a rough weekend, drowning in the past so to speak and I was playing with my iTunes, making playlists and what not and I ended up with the first variation of this playlist and out of that came this story. I had a friend a couple years ago, and I did something similar to this for her when she was having a hard time. I know it doesn't fix anything. But when you're hurting that bad, anything that takes your mind off of the pain is welcome, you know? Anyways, read and review. I'm seriously nervous about this one so I'm posting it as soon as I finish it. Enjoy!