Kidnapping 101
Summary: She had warned him "not to do anything that would require hospitalization, gain lawsuits or enact hostage situations" J/L.
Disclaimer: Nope, this really isn't mine!
Warnings: Crack-fic, perhaps? Definitely rated for language, and the use of almost every cliché in a kidnapping story.
Spoilers: Season Finale, Season 2.
A/N:
I parodied the kidnapping plots, but mainly the kidnapping plots of my own story; which I think makes me beyond awesome. I also wrote this for the Jello-Forever May Challenge: Empty Promises; and I also promise to have the second half of "The Price to Pay" up by Monday.
Enjoy!
Teresa Lisbon was going to kill him.
Yeah. It was a safe bet to say that if AND when she found him, she would kick his ass to the curb because she had warned him "not to do anything that would require hospitalization, gain lawsuits or enact hostage situations" but Patrick Jane, who remained with a blindfold over his eyes and body strapped into an uncomfortable chair was sure that being kidnapped didn't fit in with any of those qualifications (though, it wouldn't surprise him if after all of this that his kidnapper charged him with something akin to disturbing the peace.)
This wasn't even his fault, and Lisbon was going to blame him—honestly, how was he to know that once he stepped out of the CBI, that some crazy person would be waiting for him in the parking lot to hit him over the head with something heavy, and then use a blanket to smother him until he was unconscious? After all, he supposedly worked at one of the safest buildings in the state and they couldn't even keep him safe? Talk about dramatic irony.
Jane wondered; just who would kidnap him, as he struggled in the restraints keeping him to the chair. After all, he hadn't managed to piss off people during his psychic days, and he didn't have one of the most brutal serial killers in a decade playing mind games with him; nope, he had nobody who held a grudge against him, at all.
"Ah, you're awake." It was a female's voice? Jane almost hissed, and then groaned. He was beyond angry that the kidnapper wasn't Red John, how else was he supposed to kill Red John then without Lisbon throwing him in prison—and on top of that, he loathed female kidnappers. Not because they did a horrible job at this whole kidnapping deal, but because it seemed like they never wanted to have sex with him, instead, all they seemed to be were crazed fans who wanted him to communicate with the other side. "Do you know what you're doing here?"
"No, but I'm guessing you're going to tell me." Jane's cheeky response caused his kidnapper to rest her hand on his cheek, before running her soft hand down the side of his face.
"Ah, but Mr. Jane…I am Red John." Jane burst out laughing as seeing that Red John couldn't be anything other than a male. "Why is that so funny to you?"
"You're a female." Jane blurted, still laughing. "Red John is a male." The female, who called herself Red John laughed.
"Didn't you ever think that I killed your family because I was in love with you, and now that they're gone—we can finally be together!" Jane struggled against his restraints, until the chair tipped over and he ended up lying on the floor. "I'll just have to kill your pretty little agent friend first!" Jane let out a plentiful powerhouse of curses, some of which were just names of punctuation marks.
"If you lay one finger on her, I'll kill you." How Jane would kill her though, he didn't have a clue as he didn't own a gun license, let alone a gun and he was currently tied up in a chair.
"I'm going to go lay one finger on her, come back, bring her to you and then taunt you about how you're going to die, alright?" Lady Red John asked, and she left him on the floor by himself.
Instead of trying to escape the room and save Lisbon, Jane chose to spend the time until Lady Red John returned blaming himself for the current situation; he knew that getting Lisbon involved was his fault, and that the sheer amount of secrets he had kept from her over the many years of working together had caused her to be kidnapped, but he couldn't let the woman he loved die. Footsteps, in what seemed to be hours later were heard, and suddenly he found his blindfold removed from his eyes to the find the dark haired, and green eyed Lisbon.
"You shouldn't be here." He told her without humor, blue eyes on her green ones. "I'm supposed to face Red John by myself, kill him and then fall madly in love with you so we can have children that will probably be traumatized for the rest of their lives due to our kinky sex life." Lisbon blinked.
"Wait what?"
"Teresa, I'm madly in love with you."
"Oh Jane, I…I can't." Lisbon turned her head away from him, and rose from her knees to lift the chair he was tipped over in upwards.
"Is it because of the mailroom guy?" Jane asked, Lisbon nodded and Jane shook his head.
"I don't understand why you're in love him but you can't love me!"
"It's because you're bent on a world of self-destruction, revenge and self-pity, I can't love a man who hates himself and will probably end up in prison.
"You're one to talk." Jane told her, and she crossed her arms against her chest.
"I'm not a man."
"Good point." Jane appraised, and the two grew silent.
Back at the CBI, meanwhile…
"…has anyone seen Jane or Lisbon?" Van Pelt asked, as she seemed to be the only person who realized that Jane or Lisbon weren't around. Cho glanced up from his book and looked down at his watch to see that the time read: 12:24 PM.
"We have no cases, so finding Lisbon and Jane would be a moot point."
"Especially, as they're probably off in a closet somewhere." Rigsby chimed in from his desk. "If they're kidnapped, we should have gotten some sort of a message by now." Just then, a brick went sailing through the SCU window and hit the ground with a "plunk!" "Oh hey look, a message." Rigsby stood from his desk to pick up the brick, which had been decorated by a Red John smiley and a white sheet of paper.
SCU,
I've got the two most important people in your unit, as seeing that no one wants to kidnap any of you three...
Have a nice day,
Red John
P.S. I'm not at 37 Q Street.
P.S.S. I'm really not there, I promise.
"Oh hey, that sounds anti-climactic and extremely revealing." Rigsby continued, still holding the brick. "So…we should probably go save Lisbon and Jane now, and ignore the note of promise." Cho shook his head.
"We should wait a few hours, then go rush in." Cho explained. "Let the plot develop…"
"From where I stand," Van Pelt stated, "We can't just not save our co-workers."
"Why not?" Rigsby asked, and Van Pelt narrowed her eyes.
"Because first off, they're our co-workers…" Neither male seemed impressed, so she sighed and continued on with a bored expression across her face. "And if we don't have Jane or Lisbon on this unit, we can't really solve any cases...as we're mainly used for the comic relief, dead-end leads, and horrible romantic subplots with undercover cases." Cho shot up from his seat, as did Rigsby.
"Damn it." Cho muttered. "If we don't save either of them, we're not going to get a paycheck for this week."
"And our hidden office romance will become another one of those horrible romantic subplots, like Cho's girlfriend that we never see again or the fact that we still don't have any resolution to the whole Bosco and Lisbon debacle." Rigsby muttered, to which Van Pelt only rolled her eyes.
"Like that would ever happen."
Back at undisclosed location, which really isn't undisclosed anymore…
"Ha!" Lady Red John taunted, as she seemed to appear from nowhere which caused Lisbon and Jane to do a double take. "I'm back to kill you both!"
"You'll never get away with this!" Lisbon told the woman, who wore a mask over her head.
"I'm already getting away with this!" Lady Red John laughed. "You see, we're going to play a lovely game of Russian roulette…" Jane raised his eyebrow in her direction.
"Do you mean the game with the loaded gun, or the game show?" Jane asked, innocently. "Or…we could always do Jello shots and play..." Lady Red John stared at him.
"Are you seriously suggesting getting drunk?" She asked, and Jane shrugged.
"I'm not suggesting anything, I'm merely stating…"
"Jane, shut up." Lisbon warned.
"Fine," Jane pouted. "Suck all the fun out of this, why don't you?"
"Will the both of you please shut up?" Lady Red John screamed, with her own arms crossed over her chest. "I'm trying to threaten here."
"…and you're doing a lovely job of that." Jane stated. "But Lisbon and I need to deal with our overwhelming love and trust issues before we can get any further in this kidnapping plot." Lady Red John blinked, before she disappeared from view completely. "Well, that wasn't strange." Lisbon had her eyebrow raised.
"Overwhelming love and trust issues?" Lisbon asked. "What do you think this is? A damned psychiatry session?"
"Meh, I'd rather not discuss my dysfunctional childhood or the fact that I've got some pretty horrible ideas on what a relationship should be." Jane offered. "And I doubt you want to discuss your issues with always having to be in control and the fact you haven't been on a date in six years or so, oh…and then, the fact that you'd like to take me right here." She glanced over at him.
"Ha, that's not going to happen." She told him, with a dry laugh.
"Want to bet?"
"No." Jane shook his head.
"If this is because of Bosco…"
"Jane, I don't want to talk about this." Jane glared at her.
"Of course not, because it's probably not important." Jane commented, as if he were commenting on the weather, to which she nodded.
"It's not important anyway, otherwise I would have said something to you already or you would have hypnotized me to talk about it but because we don't do anything like that—it's going to be another thing that goes unmentioned between us."
"Talk about your pink elephants…" Jane trailed off. "Well, now that we've taken care of our love and trust issues…what should we do next?" Lisbon shrugged.
"As seeing that none of our issues are going to be covered over the length of our kidnapping without extensive therapy and none of us can bring back the dead, we should figure out how to escape." Jane nodded.
"True, but I still think we need those…OW" She hit him, hard on the arm.
Thirty Minutes Later…
After Lisbon freed him with her bare hands, they managed to have a moment of staring into each other's eyes with grins until Jane decided to press his lips against hers, ignoring the fact that both of them had just been kidnapped, and that Lisbon didn't like him.
Instead of her pushing him away, as she would have done any other time, the small kiss turned into a full blown out make-out session until the Serious Crimes Unit raced in, guns barred to find the two engaged passionately like a bunch of hormonal teenagers, which they only ignored because both Jane and Lisbon had been kidnapped and apparently, making-out was a comfort tool until Lady John reappeared, and separated the both of them with her hands.
"Tyger! Tyger! burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?"
Then she waved at her favorite unit in the CBI, and disappeared again...