Kind of Perfect

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran

A rat ran past me and sough refuge in a small hole in the wall. Alarmed, I got up and crawled to the mattress in the corner. For a moment, I wondered if rats had it as easy as it seemed. Always furtive and wondering from on place to another. A chill ran through my body and I pulled the only blanket on top of me, making the best I could with the scarce material. Still, I couldn't stop the shudders that ranked my body as it begged for heat. I remembered when I was little, and chills like this only came out of fear. I used to fear the dark, the thunders, bath time and my mother's wrath. Back then I also dreaded spiders and rats. I don't anymore. If that, they are my only companions.

The room was dark and the only light, as faint as it was, came from a tiny breach on the door, where the nurses usually peaked. It was a welcome change from the standard black that threatened to stain my eyes, for it was a rule for it to be closed, though one of the night nurses forgot to do it. 8 p.m. – lights off, said the regulation. I tried to sleep, I honestly did, but I found myself wide awake hours after the lights went off. Not even the pills, which usually worked, had yet to take any effect on me. Or maybe it was from the pills… I had noticed a new one in the small cup they gave me. It was round and yellow, and against all the other white ones, it reminded me of the sun against the clouds. My stomach rumbled as it ached with hunger. I didn't get hit by the falling tray, thanks to the vision, but in turn didn't get to have dinner. One of the workers had snuck me a piece of bread, but it was nowhere near enough after a whole day without eating.

A faint eco of steps could now be heard from down the hall. I hurried and lain motionless in the bed, faking sleep. Soon enough, one of the nurses was at my door. She paused for a couple of seconds and left, but not without closing the hatch. No light for me. I relaxed my body and cried silently. Almost six months in here now, but I still heard her screams when I tried to clear my mind. "You're crazy, Alice! Crazy!" It was hard to get away from them, but as exhaustion sought its way in, she eventually went silent.

I fell asleep mourning my sun.

Now, almost ninety years later, the room was slowly falling apart. The walls, once blue, were now a fading gray; the bed was mostly eaten away by rust; and the floor was filled with dirt. Just outside the door I had just passed were stacks and stacks of files of what I assumed were all the poor souls that once occupied this room. The room 54 was just another one in this sea of stories. But the odds were that I had spent the last years of my life locked up in this room. My name was among those files.

I considered myself lucky for not remembering. I didn't know, but Jasper had once taken a course on History of Psychology, and at my request he described the standard treatments for stage five hallucinations from my time. It wasn't pretty. It made me uneasy to talk about it, not because of the mental asylum, but because it meant that my family had given up on me. Nothing hurt more than that. I didn't hate them for it though; I know they just didn't understand.

As the rain beat loudly against the foggy windowpanes, I sat on one of the many uncomfortable chairs in the tiny room. I felt suffocated in the small space, even though I was alone. The way I felt was not only due to the way the walls seemed to close around me, but also because of the atmosphere. One could almost touch the sadness and desperation that hung in the air. And I could certainly feel it. The silence that enveloped this whole place only made it worse.

I tried to distract myself from imagining the awful things that they did in those rooms down the hall but nothing seemed to work - I had seen the shock equipments. I paced around room wondering if the environment here was supposed to bring people together. That was what the asylum brochure I had found in the lobby said, "Together we will be better". I just couldn't get my head around it.

Jasper and the others, they considered what James did to me an atrocity. Not even Edward understood me. Yes, turning an unwilling human into a vampire is usually an awful thing. But in my case, I'm thankful he did what he did. If the case were to go from one hell house to a different version of hell... But no. I found Jasper. I found a family. No amount of pain would ever erase what I feel for them and I would never trade them for any kind of "normal" life. What's that anyway? Besides, if I had stayed human, well... that would have been worse, and I'm certain of that.

"Are you okay?" I turned around just as Jasper entered the room. "You're sad, but not really, kind of comforted... I don't know how to phrase it..." I couldn't help but to smile as he struggled for words. Oh, how could he make everything better, I'll never know! "Are you happy because of me now?" He asked.

What an obvious question. I didn't need to answer though. He already knew.

I got up, and in less than half a second, my arms were around him. His frozen touch melted my heart and made everything better. How he could love me, craziness and all, it was still a mystery to me. "Jasper?"

"Yes, love? We can go if you want." I nodded. This place gave me mental chills and an almost suffocating feeling was creeping down my body.

We walked hand in hand through the hallways until we reached the exit. The fresh air hit me and it was like the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. I may not need to breath but the lack of air made me uneasy. Add the stuffiness of the air to all the reasons this place is awful. Again, I felt graceful for not remembering my past. I don't know why but we were walking at a human pace. Maybe he thought I need time to say my goodbyes to this big part of my past. I did that though, long ago.

We reached the car and Jasper moved to get in, but I didn't. The same doubts re-entering my head. A part of me knew I was probably being foolish. How could I doubt of Jasper's love and devotion to me. Maybe I didn't. I just doubted myself.

He looked at me confusingly. "Maybe... I was really crazy. Maybe I still am. Jazz... how can you love a crazy person?" Hiccups ranked my body, and even though no tears spilled, they might as well have. I had never felt so uncertain about myself and so undeserving. I was different even between vampires. The person my visions had turned me into... how could they love that person?

Jasper was at my side in less than a second. "Ali, don't ever say that. Don't you ever question my love for you!" He kissed me forcefully, as if proving his point. The wave of love that flooded my senses took me without warning. I still cried, but for very different reasons. "I'm the one who doesn't deserve you, sweets. Everything I have ever done, everything I want is to be the you wanted me to be."

It was my turn to be shocked at his statement. "No. No! I'm sorry. That's not true. I love you so much!"

I jumped to his arms and kiss him so hard we fell against the car. I couldn't even care if we scratched my porshe. I swear this boy is like a pain killer, every time I see him or look at him, or... touch him, every worry, every doubt, everything retched just slips through the cracks. He took his lips off mine to try and open the door, but mine just kissed down the path of his neck. He pushed me onto my back forcefully, rolling on top of me and pinning my hands above my head with one hand. We tumbled into the backseat and despite my rush, he took his time laying me down and kissing every inch of my face. "I overcame my scars, Alice. You can too." He whispered before kissing me deeply. I could not describe the force of my love for him in that moment, but I was never so glad he could feel it too.

The backseat of a car, not at all romantic but, right now, it was the connection we were after.

Moans and whimpers filled the cramped space, and our clothes quickly flew to the floor. My stare fell down his body and the perfection that was my husband never failed to amaze me. I clapped my mouth shut and tried to control the unceasing pants and whimpers that only got louder and louder. I forced my eyes to his face, though what I found there was even more unsettling, and more than enough to get me dripping wet. His eyes were pitch black with lust as they ranked all over my body and small growls rumbled in his chest. A moment later his eyes returned to my face and our gazes looked.

He hitched my leg up his back to lift me closer to him. Our kisses were getting more and more fervent, and when he slipped his tongue into my mouth, the pleasure that was both mine and his almost made me orgasm right there. Our hips rocked against each other, and I lost all thoughts. A slurred plea for more left my lips, and was quickly answered when he focused his attention on my breasts. Massaging, sucking, nibbling, biting... All I saw, all I felt, all I thought screamed Jasper. His name was like a chant in my head and I wasn't sure if I was screaming it out loud either.

However, I still needed more. We both did. So as his name and mine merged together into a heated kiss, he finally entered me, filling me whole. It was pure bliss. It always was. Realization, completeness, happiness, relief, passion ...! A piercing scream threatened to escape my throat, but the feeling of him inside me was so overwhelming, no sound came out.

He drove into me furiously, all thoughts of decency and our current location forgotten. Perhaps even as if expressing not only love and lust, but also all the unspoken words from this morning. He knew just where to hit and wasted no time teasing. Our inhuman speed never felt as good as in time like these. I met each one of his thrusts and occasionally circled my hips earning a stream of grunts and profanities. "Fuck... oh god! So good..." I didn't know what words belonged to whom, or who screamed the loudest. It didn't matter anymore.

The car rocked wildly with the violence of our movements. Fog tainted the windows. And the thought of how my screams could be easily heard by anyone near, disappeared as fast as it came. It could have been seconds, hours, or days. I wouldn't have noticed. But before I know it, the familiar coiling in my stomach started forming. It was ecstasy, it was pain, and it was need. Just one more push and I was headed for an upward spiral of orgasmic high.

Our never-ending screams resounded so loud that even the car windows trembled. Another eternity passed until any of us could feel anything but the pleasurable aftershocks that ranked our bodies. He picked me up and we switched sides so that I was laying on top of him. My legs still quivered and my breathing wasn't normal yet, and neither was his. No words were needed.

The sun had longed disappeared, but we were still in the exact same spot. However, it was getting pretty late and we had to get back. I sighed both in contentment and sadness. That moment was perfection and I wanted it to last. No other world to care about besides us.

"The best I can do is love you, Alice. Is that enough?"

"I want no other reward. Let's be our own kind of perfection."

A/N: How about that for a first lemon?? Don't forget to review!