Title: Haircuts and Breakfasts and Everything In Between
Disclaimer: I own Gossip Curl as much as I own Harry Potter.
Ship(s): NB, one sided CB
Rating: T
Summary: They have everything to lose, nothing to gain, and a terrible heartbreak ahead. NB
In a telescope lens
and when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon.
–
Blair Waldorf cuts her hair at eighteen.
It's short. So short that it gathers at the base of her neck, kissing the underside of her jawline as it blows in the wind, leaving her cheekbones raw and vivid.
Someone asks Blair why she did it, why she cut off all that lovely, chestnut colored hair. She wants to be able to say something witty or something profound or candid, but she can't because the truth isn't like that.
How does she explain that one morning, after Chuck Bass professes his undying love for her, she realizes that she doesn't like the girl she sees in the mirror; that she hates knowing that she has finally won, but she's still the girl who changes herself for everyone around her – so eager to please, so much in dire need to be appreciated even when she has Chuck. How does Blair explain that, like Rapunzel, she has grown tired of of her tower that she would do anything to get out?
She realizes that she has Chuck to save her, but that's just it. Even without the hair, Blair is still the same girl she has always been, still the girl who is always being saved. And her new knight has already saved her from herself, but hasn't rescued her from everything else – hasn't rescued her from the guilt of abandoning her first love.
Blair cuts off all her glowing long hair at eighteen because the thing inside her chest – the aching thing thats been demanding at her since forever – its snapped. She cuts off the person that needs saving, hoping she can cut off that person's world as well.
She robs the princess of her hair, like Rapunzel after the witch casts her out, and she wonders whether she is the witch or princess.
She's twenty-three, and the hair has grown back, and everything is falling away as it always is, so she cuts it again.
–
Nate wants to know, and it's not surprising because he is a part of it and he deserves to know.
He deserves to know what has happened to them – what has happened to the restless Blair Waldorf and the relentless ex-best friend of his. He deserves to know if they are living their happy ending because he has indirectly led them to their fucked-up prodigy-type of a romance. He deserves to know because he doesn't know enough, and Nate Archibald isn't sure if it's a curse or a blessing.
He decides that it's the latter, because he needs to know where they have ended up; if it is everything they once thought it would be.
And when Nate takes the time to come to terms with what he wants from the two people who have hurt him the most, he hopes they are dead.
Dead and buried in the ground, so dreams with golden-haired boys and pretty girls in frocks and headbands will leave him and he can put himself at ease. So he can find serenity and conclude that Blair isn't responsible for breaking his heart because she's broken it a couple times over.
Truthfully, Nate has never expected her to leave him behind. Blair has constantly been the one he has counted on to take care of him, and if not that, at least be there for him when he needs her.
And for a while she hasn't been.
Blair is not there when his father disappears, or when the feds come to prosecute him, or when he and his mother are on the verge of losing everything they own. She does not comfort Nate when he thinks he's losing Vanessa, or when he is tangled in a tousled mess with Dan and Jenny.
She's not there for him when everything is disintegrating between his fingers, but suddenly there she is, hiding away in the dark just when he finds his light.
Still, Nate's heart yearns and screams and pushes past his resistance because it wants her, it wants her so bad. And it knows that Blair needs him more than ever.
Afterwards everything seems right in the world, until Nate notices Chuck's leering looks and her hesitancy, and things begin to click into place.
Chuck Bass is no longer his best friend, or his friend for that matter – he hasn't been for a long time ever since he fell in love with his girlfriend, and Nate hates Chuck for it because he can't be with her this way. Not when Chuck is in the backdrop ready to take Blair at any chance he can.
–
She doesn't quite give up on Chuck when he tells her he's leaving.
"I want to be here with you but," he stops and Blair figures it's because Chuck knows just how much her insides are aching, "but, I have to do this Blair. I mean, I know he's gone, but there's something telling me I have to go out and see everything he's left behind – see if there's anything he left behind for me."
"If he left behind anything for you, it'd be in his will, Chuck," replies Blair, blinking back tears and thinking she's kind of dying at his words.
She thinks he's doing this – leaving – because even after all these years with her, Chuck hasn't been able to let go of his father completely. He hasn't been able to step out of his father's shadow long enough to cower and not recognize who he is without the Bass name behind him.
Blair hopes he will dispute and argue and try to prove her wrong although they both know it's true; she has been his companion, she has helped him along so he can finally get the notion to find himself outside of Bass Industries for a while.
"I can't compete with your father," she whispers, pulling him as close as she can.
"No, you can't. I'm sorry." Chuck apologizes softly, while missing the point entirely. "I love you, Blair."
She's too busy trying not to choke on her tears to reply.
This is what he is meant to do and she is not in the picture.
Blair wonders why she hasn't speculated this goodbye before; why is it sudden but understandable and why she's sort of not feeling empty.
Now she wonders if she ever really knew him at all.
–
It's only until Blair disappears into the sunset with the poor, tragic Chuck that Nate realizes he has been so busy believing in Blair, he has forgotten how to believe in himself.
Maybe that is why he tries to make things work with Vanessa afterward. Maybe if he can look at her long enough he can find what has drawn him to her in the first place. And maybe he can get over the sense of solitude Blair has thrown at him.
Nonetheless, Nate can't and it's a good thing he has left the UES, since he doesn't have to remember of the painful memories.
His grades are slipping, and Nate can't help but laugh because he should be used to this, but he isn't. At least at St. Jude's he has known where he placed in his class, and he has had sports to back him up.
At Columbia he doesn't have anything.
His teachers say he isn't applying himself, and he rolls his eyes. Well fuck, someone finally gets it.
And there are others who understand almost all of him too.
They are girls. Beautiful, different, wonderful women he meets and dates and kisses and part of Nate wants to keep them and a part of him doesn't. He realizes that the longer he remains with them, the faster it will obliterate the captivation that clouds their vision. Because they are not kissing sweet, handsome Nate Archibald they have a crush on, but a broken man that's been left behind by a girl he's never gotten over.
They smile and Nate discovers that they should always be smiling because their faces aren't meant to look any other way. He chooses not to be accountable for having to wreck their hearts as badly his is tainted.
He is obviously some sort of monster and because he's cast into an obscure oblivion, he probably deserves to be alone anyway.
–
They see each other numerous times at banquets and parties, and the most they have gotten are warm smiles that never reach their eyes.
Chuck is in Germany, retracing his father's footsteps and every time Blair think about him she gets a headache.
She spots her best friend welcoming guests into her estate. It's Serena's twenty-fourth birthday and Blair wills herself to put on a smile for her.
"I like your hair." Nate comments, side stepping a few people in order to make his way towards her.
Truth be told, it's the shortest he's ever seen on her. The ends fall an inch or two above her collarbone, leaving her porcelain face nestled in a crown of soft brown.
"Thanks," she replies, carefully touching it with her fingertips.
He gazes at her for a minute and comes to the conclusion that she looks as gorgeous as she always is.
"How are you?"
"Stellar," quips Blair, wondering how Nate is aware of Chuck's departure, because the two ex-best friends have severed their ties long ago.
She knows that it's because of her their friendship can't rekindle.
"Hey," he says quietly as he moves closer to her, enveloping her in a comfortable hug.
This is how Nate wants to end things with Blair. Peacefully, and without bitterness, because he doesn't think his little heart can take her avoiding him after everything. It only makes sense that Blair can find some kind of tranquility with him.
And she feels like breaking down in his arms. She's shaken and broken and cracked to the core and Nate's voice rumbles through her chest and down to her toes, doing delight things to her insides. It is awkward and astonishing all at once and she hasn't felt this undisturbed in a while.
"You know I love you, right?"
Nate knows just what to say to strike a killing blow because he knows Blair like no one else does or ever will.
Blair tenses, squirming away from him and is suddenly consumed with undignified anger. Not only is she caught off guard, but she's so upset with him at this moment. His declaration isn't in a romantic sense, and it puzzles Blair as to how he remembers her and how much he has forgotten about her at the same time.
Then she kisses him.
She kisses him when she really means to tell him off, when she really just wants to show him how far he has let her slip and how hard he's pushed her to have her heart left in pieces. And somewhere in the back of her mind Blair expects Nate to kiss her back.
Instead, he pulls away abruptly and takes a hold of her shoulders, leading her away from the party.
"Good thinking, Nate," says Blair, once he closes the door of an empty room, trapping them in privacy. Her hands start wandering over his suit jacket as she tries kissing him again but she's roughly forced away.
He's trying to stop Blair from picking up the shovel and digging the hole that he will never be able to climb out of. He's trying to stop her from making a decision he is sure she'll regret later. He's trying to stop her from getting both herself and him hurt.
"Nate, what the hell?" she asks, exasperated.
"I should be asking you the same thing, I mean, what was that?" Nate counters.
"That was me trying to kiss you," states Blair, regretting her decision.
They have everything to lose, nothing to gain, and a terrible heartbreak ahead.
"Why," and before he can stop the rest of the sentence from leaving his mouth, it does, "to see what chances you have with me because Chuck doesn't want you anymore?"
She slaps him angrily across the cheek. "You have no right to make that accusation."
"No, but you haven't given me a reason to think or say otherwise."
Blair tries to hit him again, but Nate catches her wrist, continuing because this is probably his only chance to tell her how he feels, "you broke up with me at prom to be with him."
"No," she shakes her head, her hand slipping from his.
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Stop it, Blair!" He laughs out loud because if he doesn't, he'll scream instead. "I was your second choice. You wanted him all along and you stayed with me because he wouldn't be with you. And then, the minute it looks like Chuck will change his mind you dart out after him."
And Nate doesn't have to explain to her how crushed he is for she can see it clearly in his frown lines.
"It seems you only want me when you can't have him."
This conversation is already as painful as it is, and Blair can literally feel her heart shredding into teeny tiny pieces as she stands and thinks of something to say that will make this better and hurt a lot less.
"I'm so sorry, Nate," Blair gulps, biting the inside of her cheek, "I never meant to hurt you."
He scoffs and doesn't say anything because already his words sound like roaring obscenities sprinkled with nostalgia.
She wishes she could conjure up the words to tell him how her relationship with Chuck has been. With Chuck it is amiable, but agonizing, because he's so far ahead of her in so many ways, it's almost as if she has to catch up with him; almost like she needs Chuck to guide her and save her without knowing his tactics, without knowing how he will do anything. And for a while the spontaneousness is exciting, but as time moves along, and the unfamiliarity with Chuck and not being able to decipher him consistently begins to become intimidating.
Just reminiscing how she knows Nate like the back of her hand leaves her desolated and parched. Knowing and believing that Nate still loves her, really loves her, despite everything she has done to him, prevents Blair from dissuading him the way she is sure she should.
Perhaps it's because she's selfish and it feels nice to have someone uncomplicated love her.
Perhaps it's because all this time she has been too preoccupied to notice that he is the one in need of saving.
Nate thinks he should be feeling a little relieved but he isn't. Instead, he feels like more weight has been tossed blindly onto his shoulders and the screeching silence of the room isn't helping. Somewhere far off he can hear the party, however here everything is condensing and it's like the walls are closing in around him.
Obviously Blair does not feel the same way, or anything close, because he cannot illicit any response from her.
Mumbling something incoherent, Nate leaves the room, brushing past Blair for only a second hoping she'll stop him and not let him go like he has with her one too many times. But she doesn't and he takes it as his cue to leave.
Alone in the barren room Blair instantly feels hollow, as if she's done something regretfully stupid.
Her limbs feel lifeless and she has a sudden desire to sleep the rest of her life away.
–
She brings him breakfast the next day like she did so many years ago, and as she stands at Nate's front door, Blair realizes that she's feeling more at home here, in Murry Hill of all places, than she is in her own skin.
This is nerve-racking considering the fool she made of herself yesterday, and now she's fully aware of everything she's done to Nate and how it's unfortunate she can almost no longer remember Chuck's face.
To her, it's simple. Blair doesn't care if Nate will not talk to her because he's unhappy; that is his own fault because he should have told her he isn't happy; then she could have helped him. However, because she is his friend – or at least trying to be – she will help him; Blair will make him talk to her and she will find out how to make him happy again whether he wants to be or not.
No matter how many times his heart skips a beat, Nate continuously ignores Blair's attempts at figuring him out.
He convinces himself that he's impermanent, and he's fallen off the face of the earth so long ago that it's pointless for her to try to find him. For a while others have tried, like Grandfather, his mother, and Serena, and they are unsuccessful because in reality Nate has disappeared a long time ago, and no one knows how to look for the man replacing him.
Seeing Blair try so hard to poke and prod into the past five years of his life is amusing because she's searching without knowing where to look.
But the breakfast is delicious, and Nate is not surprised she remembers how much he adores raspberry waffles.
She knows him better than most days he thinks he knows himself and the thought brings back a mixture of anger and guilt and longing and other things Nate will never name.
"How was he when you last saw him?" Nate questions her uneasily. It's not his place, and he is probably causing Blair a great deal of pain to hear these words from him, but his mind is begging him to ask because it still wants to know about his former friend, no matter how much Nate despises him.
To his surprise she answers quite nonchalantly. "Good, I guess. Unsettled with his identity crisis – as you might know,"
(and he does)
" – but good; happy, I'd even say."
That makes one of them.
He's actually baffled that he's finally gotten an answer to one of the questions that has plagued him for years.
"You're going to be alright, Blair," says Nate, taking one of her hands in his momentarily, unsure if he is satisfied or not with her and Chuck's ending and then discovering that he is.
Of course he is, because he still wants her. But not in the way he used to for he can't go through that hell again.
Blair nods, taking a sip of her chai in silence. She sighs grimly because Nate is one of the good guys and she is certain that the idea of her and Chuck has killed him. She's feeling so blessed that he still cares about her, and maybe he's even forgiven her, but she's not sure because forgiveness is something she's foreign to, even though it's everything her and Chuck have been built on. That and hurting the man she's currently sitting across from.
Nate finds it hard to keep his eyes off of her. Blair's entire appearance seems to unfold itself in front of him with every second he sits staring. Her white dress is clinging to her acquainted curves; the bottom pools around her upper thighs.
It's evident that she has been indulging in the sun and he desires to run his hands over her smooth, golden legs.
Blair notices how his eyes can't help but constantly wander in her direction. Aside from her heart racing and drumming into her ears, she feels a part of her falling in love with Nate all over again, because the rest has never stopped.
"I forgive you," he declares.
"For what?" she asks, though she doesn't need to. Blair knows.
Nate smiles, finishing his juice and never answers.
–
At first Nate thinks he has let Blair go when they break up.
If he can't make her as happy as her thoughts of Chuck can, than there if no point for them to remain a couple. There is no point of him dreaming of her, telling her everything on his mind and calling her his if she will not do the same, if she doesn't do it with him.
He finds it peculiar afterwards that he has been a fool and he has known it all along. Does he think he can forget Blair?
No, but god, he is terrified of her.
When Nate sees Chuck on the street across, he receives a half smile through the congested traffic from him. His ex-best friend is probably taking a detour to New York City on his trip around the world, and Nate's heart sinks hoping Chuck isn't home to see Blair.
And like the devil Chuck is, he saunters across the street towards him, and he's trapped.
"Nate."
"Charles."
He sees Chuck wince when he acknowledges him by his full name – his real name.
If anything, Nate hopes the other man knows that things will never be right between them.
"So, did you get a flat tire or were you just in the neighborhood?" Nate jokes apprehensively over the noise of the traffic.
"Ah, so you've heard about that," replies Chuck.
"I heard about it."
"You know she still cares about you a lot," he interjects their morbid-type of conversation by bringing Blair into it.
"Yeah," inquires Nate, quirking an eyebrow, "and you know because?"
"Did you kiss her?" Chuck continues when he doesn't get an answer. "Did you sleep with her?"
Five years ago Nate's former friend's voice would have been engulfed in jealousy, but now, it's anything but. Chuck questions him, subtly dissuading Nate, and it's pissing him off.
"No, Chuck!" he starts yelling over the honking cars so the man can hear him better, "I didn't kiss Blair and I didn't sleep with her either."
Nate doesn't understand why it's any of his business anyway.
"Maybe we should let her choose this time."
"She chose last time." Nate blurts out.
"Au contraire, last time I didn't give her a choice."
"Blair has always had a choice," he points, no longer having the ability to sustain this conversation. Nate keeps his clenched fists at his sides or he will risk punching the life out of Chuck in public.
"Be ready," states Chuck as Nate turns away and heads in the opposite direction, "and to answer your question, Nathaniel – "
(the golden haired boy turns around momentarily)
"I've always known."
–
"He definitely still loves you," says Chuck, downing his glass of whiskey.
Blair thinks she sees a flash of resentment cross his eyes, but she doesn't know if it's because of her or Nate.
She's not puzzled that she isn't feeling some sort of emotional distraught with Chuck's visit. Blair knows that after almost four years with this man she should be feeling queasy in her stomach now that they aren't a couple, but it's nothing compared to what she felt – feels – in Nate's presence.
"We've hurt him. We've hurt him a lot," she replies, leaning on the bar counter and staring at her margarita.
"I know and I wish I could take it back." And then he smirks at her, "well almost all of it."
Blair still laughs somehow whist realizing that Chuck's probably the antsiest thing that has happened to her.
However, she is still going to feel something strongly for him, but it isn't love.
Blair pats his shoulder. "Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt, Chuck."
This is their closure that resolves in them certain this isn't their lifetime together; they'll just have to wait for the next one if they are meant to be at all.
"I'm flying to Japan tomorrow and when I get back you better be happy, Waldorf."
And they are not surprised that she has to bend to a little fit against him; already they have lost their habits of each other.
–
"Are you going to grow your hair out again?" Nate asks over breakfast a few days later.
His conversation with Chuck is still buzzing around in his head somewhere and every time he looks at Blair he feels something familiar surging through his body and into the core being of his soul.
"I don't know. I guess we'll see, won't we?" Blair replies, pursing her lips slightly.
He reaches forward and tucks a short strand of her hair behind her ear.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," he whispers, taking another bite of his drenched waffles causing maple syrup to trail down the side of his chin.
She jumps up quickly and makes a grab for the napkins before Nate can. She moves to sit beside him as she carefully wipes off the syrup, her face inching closer to his as she tries her hardest to get every sticky drop off from his face.
Nate suppresses the urge to kiss her using every fiber of willpower in his body. Blair's lips are so pink and full and beautiful just like the rest of her and they're right in front of his eyes. Her warm breath smells strongly of blueberries she has been eating with her breakfast and it is succeeding in turning him on even more.
"Umm, I think you got it all, Blair," stammers Nate as he glares at the ceiling and wishes she will go back to her seat away from him. He can feel blood rushing to his cheeks, among other places, as he begins to feel like he's twelve years old kissing Blair Waldorf for the first time.
Blair's not so sure what she's doing when she places her mouth to the corner of his lips. Because it's not like things are not awkward enough. Quickly, she pulls away and contemplates an excuse, avoiding as much embarrassment as she can, leaving Nate to question if she is trying to kiss him on his lips or his cheek.
He doesn't think she even knows what she is doing to him and her close proximity hasn't reminded Nate of how much he wants her, but how he is putty in her hands.
Taking a hold of her arm as she's leaving the couch, Nate swiftly forces her down to him, his lips catching hers in a hectic dance as Blair perches in his lap, her hands roaming his soft hair.
This is their reinvention, a construction of a permanent foundation they'll build their lives on for a long, long, long time.
When they pull apart she doesn't hesitate to speak.
"Nate Archibald, you are in midst of being a man among men."
She says it because he deserves to hear it and because it's true; Blair believes that this man can do almost anything; she is certain she will always believe.
"I am?"
His heart swells and he's finally on the receiving end.
"I love you Nate," proclaims Blair as she runs her thumbs over his cheekbones again and again.
And then he's thrust back into reality. But before he can say anything she speaks.
"I was stupid for lying to you before. I guess I didn't tell you the truth because I couldn't. I don't think I could bare to see you so hurt after everything. Nate, I was an idiot for abandoning you for a dream that I had wanted and I was too blind to see that you were so much better."
"Blair, – "
"Nate, I think there's a reason we keep running into and past each other. I don't think it's coincidence. I think – "
"I love you, too."
Blair's words are soothing his aches while releasing the tension his heart has held all these years. The way she's speaking tells Nate that she will belong completely to him.
She smiles brightly, her dark brown orbs shimmering because she's found the absolute, last missing piece of her puzzle. Blair has never had to question where it resides, because Nate has possessed it the moment he stole her heart when they were young.
He doesn't worry about her being wrapped up in someone else. He knows she's made her choice, and it's the right one because no one will love Blair Waldorf like he does.
She is pressed so closely to him that they feel they can melt into just one person.
But they know they will never be one person again.
And as romantic novels end with two souls and one heart, Blair decides she will grow her hair out.