"Hey sweetie" Rachel said, walking inside Donna's apartment.
"Hey Rach" Donna said with a small forced smile.
"How are you doing?" Rachel asked her cautiously.
"I'm good" Donna's answer came brief. Rachel took a second to take in her friend's silhouette. She had lost at least 5 pounds, her eyes puffy and swollen, her collarbones peaking more than usual, the bruises still fresh on her skin.
Rachel nodded silently, a comforting smile painting her face. She watched Donna throw herself on the couch, the remote controller in her hand. Her expression was blank.
"What are your plans for today? Do you want to go to the park with me, Mike and James?" Rachel asked her with an encouraging tone.
James was Mike and Rachel's first baby, born a month ago.
"I'm sure James would want to meet his mom's best friend" she added with a smile.
"You know, he was right about something; he was both" Donna said, as if she hadn't heard a word Rachel said, her eyes still transfixed on the screen.
"What?" Rachel asked, unsure what her friend meant.
"He and Mike used to have this stupid argument about who was Butch and who was Sundance. He was both" she said with a prompt hysterical laugh, as Rachel noticed that the movie playing was Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
"Yeah, baby, Butch and Sundance are back!" Mike had said
"Ooh, no go. " Harvey had disagreed.
"What do you mean, no go?" Mike had asked, surprised.
"I mean you're not Butch or Sundance." Harvey had said matter of factly.
" Why not?" Mike asked
"Cause Butch was the leader, and Sundance was the gunslinger, and I'm both." Harvey had answered smugly
"Kay, but Sundance couldn't swim and Butch never shot anyone, so that makes you a loser." Mike had retorted with a big smile.
" Better than a fraud!" Harvey had joked, seeing his friend's smile disappear.
"Donna" Rachel called her friend, her hand settling on her forearm. "Donna look at me" she repeated, making Donna turn to face her.
"Let's just go out, it's Sunday, the weather is perfect and you could use some fresh air" Rachel suggested.
"I'm ok Rach, but thanks" Donna answered, offering a non convincing smile.
"Donna this is not healthy. It's been two months" Rachel said carefully. Donna didn't move or say a word, staring into empty space. "You're still wearing his jacket Donn" Rachel pleaded.
"I know losing him has been hard…" Rachel said, before Donna finally spoke.
"Don't. Please" Donna begged her friend. "You don't know anything" she said, sounding harsher than she had meant.
"Then tell me! Talk to me!" Rachel begged her.
"What do you want me to say?!" Donna said, standing up in anger. "I was in love with Harvey for thirteen fucking years Rachel! He was my best friend and now he's gone" she said, her voice shaking. "And I can't think, I can't breathe, there's a weight on my chest and I – I just want him back" she continued, feeling her heart wince in pain at the sound of his name coming out of her mouth, her eyes welling up.
"That isn't happening honey" Rachel said as delicately as possible.
"You think I don't know that?! You think I don't fucking know that? I can't sleep because of it, I can't eat, I keep replaying his last words – " she said, choking on her words. "That son of a bitch, he decided to confess his love to me when he was freaking dying" she shouted, her whole body shaking. "He suddenly knew HOW he loved me. So typical of him, saying things and running away" she said, seating herself on the couch, her whole body shaking. Rachel felt pain at the sight of her friend so devastated. She stood up and sat next to her.
"I hate him" Donna mumbled to herself. "I hate him" she repeated louder, "fucking coward" she said, feeling Rachel's hand on her back.
"You don't mean that" Rachel hushed her.
"I do, I hate him" she said, looking into Rachel's eyes, "I hate him" she repeated, shaking her head left and right. "I- I –" she tried to repeat, unable to hear her own lies.
"I love him" she said, bursting into tears. Rachel immediately hugged her friend, feeling her shake in her arms, tears falling down her cheeks.
"Let it out sweetie, let it out" Rachel said caressing Donna's head and back.
[Two months ago]
They were going to the hospital; Mike and Rachel had just delivered their first baby. A baby boy. Harvey called Donna, telling her the news and asking her if she wanted to go there together.
She heard a knock on her door.
"Hey, didn't know you were coming up" Donna said with a big smile, letting him in as she put on a bracelet.
"I really needed to pee" he confessed, making her laugh.
"Make yourself at home" she said pointing to the bathroom nearby her bedroom.
"You know the kid might be right. Are your bladder problems under control? Are you getting old Specter" she shouted loud enough for him to hear her in the bathroom.
"Very funny, need I remind you we're almost the same age" he shouted back, washing his hands.
"Repeat that one more time and I'll lock you up in here and starve you to death" she threatened with her seducing voice, making him laugh even more.
He watched her putting some light make up, leaning on the doorframe of her bedroom. She looked beautiful without make up, something he wanted to say but didn't.
"Ready?" she asked, cutting his thoughts.
"Yes m'am" he said, offering her his arm, which she took gladly.
She noticed how he had one of his sports car, with no sign of Ray.
"Oh, we're driving there?" Donna asked, surprised.
"Yes, it's Sunday, didn't want to bother Ray" Harvey explained, opening the door for her.
The ride was a forty minutes one, as Rachel had to suddenly deliver when she and Mike were on vacation upstate. They fought over the music, as Harvey secretly enjoyed how she sang every word in the song, wind in her hair. He joined her when 'I can't go for that' by Hall & Oats started playing.
She threw him a side look, his eyes smiling when they caught hers.
"What are you doing in two weeks?" Harvey asked her then.
She looked at him in surprise.
"Why?" she asked him.
"I have an old client from Paris, M. Coquelin remember him? He sent me two tickets for Fashion Week there. I thought we could go together, I know you like these fashions things. I don't know how much of a big deal it is…" he explained before she stared at him with wide eyes.
"How much of a big deal it is?! It's freaking huge Harvey! Oh my God, are you pranking me?" she asked, jumping in excitement.
"Is this a yes?" he asked her, an amused smile on his face.
"YES!" she said, squeezing his arm. "I've always wanted to go to Paris" she said.
"I know" he said silently, surprising her even more. She leaned in, leaving a kiss on his cheek.
"Thanks Harv" she said, as he smiled at her, feeling the warmth on his face.
They had been growing even closer together, spending much more time outside the office, trying to be "friends". They both knew it was much more than that.
"What is he doing?" Harvey asked, noticing a truck on the opposite lane, moving left and right.
"Shit shit shit" he repeated, realizing the driver had lost control over his truck.
The next few seconds were a blur. She remembers him calling her name, undoing his safety belt and jumping in front of her. She heard a crash, feeling her body break. She opened her eyes. Red. Blood. His, hers, she wasn't sure anymore.
She screamed. He had put his body between her and the front of the car, which was now completely crushed into him. A rod from the front of the truck had perforated his side. He was in front of her, inches apart, his face pale, his upper body shielding her as his leg settled on the space between their seats.
"Harvey" she said, seeing the pain in his eyes. "Harvey" she repeated frantically, "talk to me" she said, trembling.
"I'm ok Donna" he barely said, feeling anything but.
"How are you feeling?" she asked him, knowing it was a stupid question.
"Holy" he said, a small smile on his lips. She looked at him in confusion.
"Holy, because I got a hole in my side, get it?" he joked, making the tears fall down her face as she giggled.
"You're an idiot" she said, laughing and crying all the same.
"M'am help is on the way" she heard a voice coming from the outside, "just hang on"
She nodded, still looking at Harvey, her hands reaching for his.
"Why did you do that? Why did you throw yourself in front of me?" she asked, his thumb caressing his skin.
"I told you I'd never let anything happen to you, and I won't ever" he repeated his words, making her cry again.
"Stop crying Donn, please" he begged her with great difficulty.
"Stop saying things like that then" she shouted, emotions flooding her.
"Madam can you hear me?" she heard a voice on her right. She turned around and saw the face of a paramedic. She only realized then that the glass next to her was shattered.
"Yes" she said.
"My name is Frank. Are you ok? Do you feel any pain, is there any sharp object…" he started before she cut him.
"No but Harvey" she said quickly.
"We'll take care of your husband m'am, but I need you to tell me what types of injuries he has sustained" Frank said.
"There's a rod in his side" she said, her voice cracking as she looked at the injury.
"Ok I need you to take this" he said handing her a white clothe, "and I need you to press it around the hole, can you do that?"
She nodded, doing as he said, as Harvey moaned in pain. Her free hand went to caress his face.
"It's ok Harvey, I got you" she whispered, as he settled under her touch.
"Ok great job. Is there any other major injury?" Frank asked.
"No" she said, wondering if that one wasn't enough.
"Ok m'am your door is jammed but help is on the way, and we're going to get you out, then we'll take care of your husband" the paramedic said.
"He needs help more. Save him first" she begged.
"We can't remove the front piece without causing internal bleed to your husband, so we'll have to try from this side. Just try to keep him conscious" Frank explained.
"You know in two weeks, we'll be under the Eiffel Tower" she said, watching him smile as she caressed his hair.
"We'll have croissant" he added, as tears formed in her eyes.
"Yes. And we'll walk down Champs Elysee" she continued.
"Hand in hand?" he asked her, barely able to open his eyes.
"Yes" she whispered, feeling a lump in her throat.
"And we'll go to Pont des Arts" he said, "put a lock and throw the key away" he continued, suddenly feeling very cold. She pressed the clothe on his bloody side.
"Yes, and we're write on it" she reassured him.
"Darvey" he suggested, making her giggle, a tear escaping her eyes.
"You've thought about this haven't you?" she teased him.
"Everyday" he whispered, his hand trying to reach hers. She moved her hand from his face to hold his.
"Donna I need to say something" he said, his breathing getting more difficult.
"No" she refused. "No, you don't get to do that. You're not going to talk to me like you're dying. You're not dying" she repeated, tears falling down her face.
"I love you Donna" he said, as she started yelling. She wanted to hit him, he was giving up.
"NO!" she shouted.
"I'm in love with you. Ever since you put vanilla in my coffee" he said offering her a smile, as looked deep into his welled up eyes, her vision blurry as well.
"I'm sorry I was such a coward, but I always knew you deserved more, better. I was scared of the thought of having you and losing you" he said, as Donna squeezed his hand like her life – his – depended on it.
"You're my everything, you always were. You always will be" he whispered, feeling dizzy. "I love you" he repeated, as she started crying.
"Don't you dare leave me!" she shouted. "I love you do you hear me? You don't get to go now. You have to wake up and be well and hear me say it. I love you" she repeated like a broken record.
She had been too focused on him to realize that the space next to her was free, they had removed her door.
"M'am we need you to move." Frank said.
"No" she said, refusing to let go of Harvey's hand. "Do you have a plan?" she asked Frank. "Frank! If I move, do you have a plan on how to move him?" she repeated.
"No- but" he said, before she stopped him.
"Then I'm staying" she said.
"The car could explode, there's fuel leakage, any source and the whole thing could ignite" Frank explained.
"Donna go" Harvey begged her.
"Shut up Harvey" she answered him.
"What if the car blows up?" he argued.
"I don't care" she said calmly, caressing his hair again.
He didn't say a word, panic filling her as she noticed his breathing becoming slower.
"Stay with me! Don't you dare bail out on me" she begged him.
"Kiss me" he told her.
She put an effort to bring herself forward to him, feeling something – in addition to her heart, break. Her hand holding the clothe went to his face, as she cupped it with both her hands, looking him deep in the eyes.
"You are the love of my life Harvey" she whispered, seeing his tears fall down through her own.
She leaned down, pressing her lips against his, as she heard him take a sharp inhale. She kissed him passionately, slowly, softly, and he struggled to move his hand to her lower back, bringing her closer, fisting her shirt. He tasted like salt, and blood, and him. He kissed her over and over again until he didn't have the power to do it anymore.
"Don't close your eyes Harv, stay with me. That's not fair" she repeated, kissing him again.
His eyes close for a second.
"I see us" he said, "we're in Paris" he whispered, opening and closing his eyes.
Donna could feel her throat about to explode. She wanted to shout, she wanted to scream.
"Did I buy every single dress Paris offers?" she managed to say, seeing a small smile on his lips.
"No, we're older. We have kids. A girl, Layla, she's so pretty Donna" he described, his eyes closed. "She had red hair, and God, she has your sassiness" he said, smiling even wider.
Donna was silently crying, her hands caressing his cheeks.
"And a boy. Handsome like me" he continued, opening his eyes to meet hers.
"But he's got your eyes" he whispered.
Donna could feel his grip loosening on her shirt.
"What's his name?" she said in panic, terrified. "What's his name Harvey?" she said, noticing his minimal breathing.
"Gordon" he said with his last breath, his hand falling down.
Donna buried her face in his neck, crying.
She doesn't remember anything that happened next.
[Today]
"it's ok Donna" Rachel whispered, soothing her friend.
It wasn't. And right now Donna wasn't sure if it will ever be.
"He died saving me" she stated. "He died so that I don't. He didn't realize that I'd be dead without him anyway"
She knew he wasn't coming back. She knew he wanted her to be happy, to move on without him, but she couldn't.
So she wore his jacket, day in, day out, his cologne lingering on her skin, hoping one day she'd wake up and it would have been a nightmare.
In case he would somehow come back.
In case.
A.N: Hey everyone! First of all, I have no idea WHY I wrote this, some crazy people were throwing tragic prompts at me (you know yourselves :)) and I felt like writing this.
This is my first tragic fic, so I hope I delivered the emotions the way I intended to.
Oh and I couldn't help but use a Harry Potter joke reference.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to let me know what you think.
Drop a review!
-G