A/N: Know that I love Doctor Who and all the characters, no matter that what is to come. Keep that in mind: I love Amy and Rory and the Doctor and River and Steven Moffat, but this story may seem otherwise.
"Come on, sweetie," River said in a sultry voice, winking over her shoulder.
The Doctor frowned.
"Who are you?" he asked her.
"Spoilers," she whispered.
There was a pause filled with the sounds of the TARDIS settling.
"Okay, seriously, what the fuck kind of answer is that?" the Doctor asked. "I have travelled with you and trusted you and all kinds of other messed up shit has happened like Angels and Daleks and Pandoricas and fuck knows what else, and I don't know who you are and all you can say is 'spoilers'? Seriously man. What. The. Fuck."
River tilted her head.
"Now where would the fun be if you trusted me?"
"Fun? Where would the fun… The fun would be knowing you're not going to slit our throats or steal the TARDIS or transmogrify into the Master or cover us in skin-eating detergent or anything."
River rolled her eyes.
"He has a point you know," Amy said as she stumbled over. "None of us know who you are and you're being a presumptuous bitch about it. Spit it out."
"Yeah," Rory piped up. "Who are you?"
"Ooh, no, stop," Amy said, holding him back. He looked down dejectedly.
"Well, you're just going to have to trust me," River said lazily.
"Why?" the Doctor asked. "Why do we have to trust you? What are our other options?"
"You have no other choice," she said, looking at him directly.
"What? No other choice? Um, how about we could not trust you, there's an alternative. And then we could just abandon you or wipe your memory, you psychotic bitch."
"Well then," she said. "What about this?" She pulled a large, scary, shooty-gun thing from behind her back.
"Where did you get that?" Rory asked.
"Don't ask don't tell."
The Doctor looked at her, eyes narrowed.
"You are the most annoying and cryptic psychopath ever, but I'll let it slide to further the plot arc and the character development in spite of the blatant fact that if I were any other person in the whole wide universe and not a character made up by Steven Moffat I would most probably abandon you on some obscure moon and never see you again for the rest of eternity because of your excessive ambiguity and overflowing bitchiness."