[I can't use what I can't abuse, and I can't stop when it comes to you.]

Sitting here I can't help but think of our current standing. Growing up I was acquainted with nothing. A nameless brat passing through the ringer time after time. I knew sadness well and was slowly beginning to grasp the concept of utter misery. Of course I'd be damned if it showed, my façade of defiance always hiding the hurt that drowned my very soul inside. It was a secret pain I'd kept in my throat, at least until your pretty little face made such a gracious appearance in my life.

You loved me. You touched me, kissed me, cherished me. And god I loved it. Every last touch over my skin, it was like a lit match licking at the surface of my senses, strong enough to scorch down to the very core. Such moist lips tracing down the pattern of my wild tattoos, god just thinking about it gives me the chills. My body coming alive under yours, melding together perfectly while we vocalized our undying love for the other. Those moans, oh how they still haunt me, my name so sweet when spilling from the edge of your tongue. I couldn't get enough. We craved, we burned, we loved. And we still do, but somehow… the passion, it died dim.

You love me. You touch me, kiss me, cherish me. I fail to now reciprocate those feelings. My body no longer comes alive, at least not past it's natural physical response. I lay motionless while you have your way. When I'm expected to return said love I comply, with dead movements more or less. I know you notice. When we bond you can see it in my eyes, the vacant reflection of your own. So instead you look away. I wonder what you think, I wonder just how bad you hurt. I'm not blind. I can see the momentary pain, but that's where you're just like me. You mask it, too proud to let any sign of weakness show through those blazing dark eyes. And somehow I don't get the urge to search, to sooth. I just lay there and wait for that empty, familiar bliss.

I really can't remember when I stopped… just stopped. I think it might have been this perfect setting, the endless routine of waking up with a broad smile. My mentality, my being, it couldn't handle it. It needed some sort of pain to latch on to, that very emotion having accompanied me all throughout my childhood. The sudden absence… well I just couldn't take it. And so I woke up one morning and refused to smile, and slowly our blossoming relationship began to wilt to this.

And now I wonder why it is I stay. I can't cherish you the way I'd want to, the way you wished. I'm too accustomed to the pain to really let myself love you, I'd enjoy it way too much. Then why can't I just up and leave? I know it'd kill you but what did it matter? Aren't I doing it now? With every vacant glance, every forced "I love you." I know it's like a knife through your chest and really I don't intend to hurt you, that had never been my plan. But something holds me down… maybe it's just you. Maybe I am addicted to you, to your touch, to your essence, but that's it. A simple addiction…

The thoughts consume as the night stretches on. I'm not sure what time it is anymore, but it must be well in the early morning. The moon is slowly dimming while the sky begins to melt from a dark violet to a weak blue. I look to the bed once more. You lay in disarray, the dark strands of black sprawled over the white pillow beneath. The alabaster surface of smooth skin seems to shimmer under the soft lightening and the thin sheet wrapped around you outlines the curves and lines of your broad frame. The sight is almost alluring enough to attain a physical response, my pajama pants somehow growing a bit tight over my waist. But I refrain. Our coupling only happens at night, every night. That's the schedule now. You will wake up in an hour or so and head to work. You'll make me a quick breakfast and give me a tender kiss before leaving. I'll eat, shower, and then leave. I have a habit of wondering around town for a good few hours, not a single destination in mind. My feet go wherever. Sometimes I'll find myself in front of a friend's home. Ikkaku at times, other whiles it'll be Hisagi. Sometimes I'll stop by Kurosaki's. Once my time on the streets is spent I return home, you'll be sitting on the couch waiting. We'll eat a dinner with little chatter before heading off to watch a movie. Then bed, a quick fuck and sleep.

"Renji."

Oh… this is out of order.

"Hm?"

I meet your gaze with mine in complete surprise. You talked to me… you've been awake? I glance at the clock and it reads four fifteen. You should be asleep, dreaming. Why are you awake?

"We must talk."

I don't know why but a bit of unease starts to churn inside me, but all I do is nod. In reply you beckon for me from my seat and I stand, going to sit by you on our bed. You shuffle to sit up and stare me down for the briefest of moments, but it feels like an eternity to me. This sudden disturbance of routine bugs me. You're not supposed to go out of line, and you should know that more than anything.

"Renji…"

I nod once more. Why the tremble?

"Why?"

Why? I tilt my head a bit to the side, the crimson strands dusting over on the bed a bit in consequence. Though deep down I know, know what his why means.

"Why what Byakuya?"

"Why this?"

Your stoic expression didn't even crack once, strong eyes betraying nothing. I respond with the same.

"Be specific."

I'm surprised to get a narrow look.

"The fallout."

I think, if only for a moment and bluntly reply,

"I'm not in love with you anymore."

I feel a pang in my chest as your dark eyes widen and you no longer hide the pain that stretches in their eternal black depths. I've always been painfully honest, I don't see why it surprised you so much. Was I suppose to lie? Feed you some sort of excuse and kiss you to make it better? I think I would have done that, for the sake of sparing you the pain of the truth. But I hadn't really thought it through. My words were never at pace with my brain and so in consequence I say things better kept in the dark. Should I apologize? I think I should but my mouth seems sewed shut.

"R-Ren…ji…"

I blink.

You stare.

I wait.

You shudder.

I'm sorry.

You hurt.

We stay quiet for a few moments. The only sound heard being the low whoosh of the wind that sweeps in through the room, adding an extra chill to the already cool atmosphere. I notice the carving on the mahogany head board, the design intricate as it swirls on the surface in various circular shapes. Huh I could have sworn it used to be a plain wooden surface. Did you replace it? I want to ask but I rethink it and let the question die in my mind. I'll ask later. I don't think it'd be appropriate now.

"When?"

I snap from my thoughts and force my gaze over yours and for a moment I shudder, their depths suddenly deprived of the usual warmth. Now it seemed like an icy ocean, never ending. Is it my fault? Yeah, I think it is. But then your question registers and all I can do is shrug.

"Dunno."

And now you nod, almost forcefully. I can tell you're slightly annoyed with my responses. You probably think I'm taking this lightly, but don't you see I have too? Otherwi—

A gasp breaks my thoughts as you lean in, those tender fingers gently brushing over the surface of my frosty cheek. Your eyes bore into mine, trying to see past the dead reflection I know is there. And for a moment you look as if you might give up, but that was never you. You pushed, pushed till getting right to the answer.

"Renji will you ever leave me?"

I don't even have to think.

"No."

It's strange, isn't it? How I don't seem to love you anymore yet I lack the strength to leave. I know that'd be doing you a kindness, too. If I were to leave you'd easily move on. There were others out there, others who you'd truly deserve rather than myself. But still the fact remains that I just can't let go.

"Thank you."

I nod.

It doesn't matter where we stand, doesn't matter how we feel. All that matters is you're here, I'm here, and that can never change.