Shepard Versus the World
AKA 'The One Sentence Story'
A little introduction is in order for this one. Over at the Mass Effect Fanfic Forum (see my homepage for the link – drop by, we're nice) we've been playing a game and writing a fic together.
The rule is – you can only write one sentence at a time. Then you must let the others add a sentence. So no-one has any real control of the story and it goes all over the place.
We had a great time and a lot of fun writing it. And let me tell you, it's a gorram masterpiece. A masterpiece. So prepare yourself for the greatest piece of fiction you will ever read. It has drama, humour, tragedy, love and loss, and teletubbies.
The authors were-
Caveman
Elimyx
Hodster
Knightfall1138
Mister Buch
Rascarin
Tillian
Wrath of Dagon
-
-
It was early when she made her horrible discovery. Someone had hacked the galaxy map to make it look like Pac-Man. Presley cried "Why would anyone do this?"
With an enigmatic glance, Garrus replied, "There is a meaning behind it... those ghosts... they represent..."
Garrus' revelation gave him pause, and his voice was marked with anguish as he said, "These ghosts...I see them in my dreams...they say, 'Your father hates you because you left C-Sec!'"
Presley, still feeling quite terrified, looked toward Wrex to lighten the mood. "It's a code," the old krogan growled. "Those ghosts represent Spectres!"
Then all the sudden, Tali called out from the murmur of the bridge with girlish excitement, "Look! Is that a starship that is shaped like a pie? It's eating up the ghosts!"
"And these pills..." Shepard muttered, too gripped by terror to speak up, "... must be planets!"
"OH MY GOD!" announced Kaidan at last, "Ghost, Spectres, a pie, why it's the ghost of the dead Spectre Nihlus!" Everyone stared at poor Kaidan blankly, until… he realised he had left the bathroom without pulling his trousers back up.
"Ahh, Kaiden, I'm glad you came to make your small contribution", Liara murmured.
Kaidan, flushed with embarrassment, said "Thanks... hey wait, what do you mean by 'small'?" While they waited for an answer and Kaidan stood his defiant, pantless ground, Wrex nodded quietly behind them.
Presley getting more frantic by the minute shouted out, "GHOSTS, CODES, PILLS THAT LOOK LIKE PLANETS AND PANTSLESS MEN, WHEN WILL IT END?"
"I can shut him up!" Shepard's right hook caught Presley squarely on the jaw.
Then Joker realised something much to his dismay, "Uhhh Commander. I've just realised that we're not longer in high definition 3D space. We're now stuck in a 16- bit universe."
"My God..." Tali moaned. "And we thought we had it bad with the texture popping problem!"
Shepard gasped in horror, "Dear lord, the white blobs are nothing but a sad pathetic representation of stars... what the hell?!? My body is becoming a short, pixelated humanoid that is less threatening... oh no! I can only move in 8 directions! how I'm going to strife?"
"Commander," announced Joker "it seems that Admiral Hackett wants to speak with you."
"Let me guess, Cerberus has taken over his favorite underground base laundromat, and he needs me to go pick up his laundry."
"Worse than that; it appears one of the tumble dryers has evolved its own AI and has distributed a gazillion rocket drones into the area," Joker said.
Admiral Hackett's dry, gravel voice filled the room, sounding apologetic. "Yes your the only one who can do this Shepard because no one else knows how to fight in a 16-bit universe," came Admiral Hackett's reply. "Those rockets have little faces on them," he went on. "We already sent in Super Mario, but they were too much for him."
"Mario is simple, and so is this problem," Shepard said, pushing Kaidan's revealing figure back behind a chest-high wall. "We have to nuke the extranet..."
"... and take us back to the 3D universe!" Wrex growled in anger.
"We have to be on the lookout for Saren and his cohort, Dr Robotnik; they'll be trying to destroy the 3D universe with their Black (plot) Hole!" warned Liara.
"Wait, but the extranet is where I get all my asari por..." stuttered Garrus, but he quickly recovered and said, "I can't live without ex-C-Secandlovingit dot com! I'm addicted to it."
"Too bad Jenkins is already dead, but we can send the next best thing, Kaidan" Liara suggested helpfully.
Nodding agreement, Shepard said, "Yeah, he's like the pantless Jenkins."
"Wait one second," Kaidan said, finally deciding to pull his pants up. "Are you suggesting that we're going to send me with a nuke somewhere to blow up the extranet?" Nobody answered poor Kaidan, as suddenly they all lost interest in him.
Suddenly, Saren's holographic image appeared in place of the galaxy map, "In this 16-bit universe, you are powerless to stop me; you may have Mario, but I have CATS! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
Shepard made a fist and yelled, "WHAT YOU SAY!!"
"All your bases belong to us? Sounds like broken Engrish to me!" Joker tried to contain his laughter as he continued, "Didn't know you're into games that have guys with big floppy hair, questionable sexuality and a big obsession with big swords. So tell me Saren: do you share the same obsession with zippers like Tetsuya Nomura?"
At Saren's evil base Saren turns away from the screen and looks into his closet and sees a newly made outfit with lots of belts and zippers on it and right underneath on the floor is a BIG ass sword.