IWSC round 9
Beauxbatons 3rd year
Theme – Circinus (the Compass), including the losses caused by mental illness (for Hemlockconium)
Prompts – (1) St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries (main); (2) "I'm not crazy; my reality is just different from yours." (3) "You do care; you care so much you feel as if you will bleed to death with the pain of it."
WC 1561
Finding a Way
"Here we are, Alice; this is your bed, and you can put your things in this cupboard next to it."
Alice. Is that my name? I don't remember. I don't remember anything. The world is a sea of unknown faces, and it seems like it all began just moments ago. I hear what they're saying to me, but it vanishes out of my head. I can't answer them; I don't know how to talk. It's all so bewildering; it's easier not to try. I wish they wouldn't hold my arm so firmly; it hurts. My whole body aches. I can't move without it hurting. What happened to me?
Day after day. Day after day.
They put a picture next to my bed. They keep pointing to the woman in it and telling me that it's me. It can't be me; she's smiling. I don't smile. Smiling is for when you feel nice. I feel empty. There's a man in the picture too. They say it's the man who has the bed next to mine, that he's my husband, that his name is Frank. I don't remember him. Surely I'd remember?
There's a little boy, too. They say he's my son, Neville. I don't remember him either. How could I not remember if I had a son?
Day after day. Day after day.
My body still hurts. Whatever happened to me, there are wounds that will never heal. Scars. Broken bones. This is not my body. It feels wrong. Surely your own body doesn't hurt?
Day after day. Day after day.
"Alice, dear, look who's here to visit you. It's your mother-in-law and your little boy. Isn't he a darling?"
I shrink from the woman's hug. I don't know her. How can she hug me as if I'm precious to her?
They put the boy on my lap. I think I'm supposed to hug him. I try, but it feels so awkward. They talk to me, but I can't answer. I can only stare blankly. The woman clicks her tongue and looks sad. It's not my fault, I want to say. The little boy gets restless and slides off my lap. The woman takes him to talk to the man in the other bed. What was his name? I don't remember.
Day after day. Month after month.
People come to see others in here. They come and go. I don't know any of them. Some of them smile at me as if they know me. Perhaps they belong to that other life the Healer says I had. I see them whisper to the Healer and look over at me as if they're talking about me. I hear the words "Cruciatus" and "crazy". I'm not crazy, I want to tell them; my reality is just different from yours. But I just stare blankly. That's my reality.
Month after month. Month after month.
The woman comes again, with the boy. He's bigger now. He talks, but I don't understand what he's saying. He looks at me as if he can't understand me, either. Perhaps it's because he's used to other people talking to him. I just stare blankly. But he looks so puzzled I want to do something for him. There's a sweet wrapper beside my bed. I pick it up and hold it out to him. He takes it. The woman looks pleased. He's still holding it when they leave.
Month after month. Month after month.
The woman and the boy keep coming. The boy is bigger. Today he said that he's four years old. I don't know what that means, but he sounded pleased. I gave him another sweet wrapper. The woman wanted him to throw it away, but he kept it. She still looks sorry for me, but sometimes she looks impatient too. Maybe she hopes I'll remember her. I just stare blankly.
Month after month. Month after month.
Sometimes I look at my body and try to remember something – anything – about myself before I came here. There are scars, but I don't know when they happened. Was that before? I press them with my finger. They stand out against my white skin. Occasionally when I look at them I think I hear someone screaming, but nobody around me hears it. It must be in my head.
Month after month. Month after month.
A man has come in. Everyone seems to know him; they all say hello. He has a long beard and glasses. He comes over to talk to me. I just stare blankly, but he is kind; he pretends not to notice. He keeps talking. He calls me Alice. Is that my name?
He is still here when the woman comes in with the boy. Something is different. The boy is upset. I hear him cry that he wants a real mother. The woman tries to talk to him, but he hits her away. The man goes over to him. I don't hear what he says, but the boy shouts that he doesn't care. I hear the man say "You do care; you care so much you feel as if you will bleed to death with the pain of it." The man looks very sad. I don't understand what they are talking about. The man comes back over to me. He pats my hand and tells me he will come again. I just stare blankly.
Month after month. Year after year.
The Healer has brought me another picture. It is the boy. The Healer says that he is my son, and his name is Neville. I don't think he can be my son. Surely I'd remember if I had a son? From the picture, he smiles and waves at me. I put a sweet wrapper in front of the picture. Maybe he can see it.
Year after year. Year after year.
The boy is bigger now. Sometimes he talks to me while the woman talks to other people. I like that, because he is always patient. He talks kindly to me. I'm used to him now. I give him sweet wrappers, and he thanks me. I think he likes them.
Year after year. Year after year.
The boy talked to me a lot today. He said other children laugh at him for not being able to do magic. Did I ever do magic? I don't remember. He said he misses having a mother to look after him. He seems sad. I stare blankly. He said that he loves me and he's sure I love him too. He looks at me as if he's waiting for an answer. What does he want me to say? I don't remember.
I give him another sweet wrapper. He hugs me and says thank you. He calls me Mum. Is that my name?
Year after year. Year after year.
The boy comes again with the woman. They are both smiling. The woman says the boy got his Hogwarts letter. I just stare blankly. The boy says to me that no-one can laugh at him now for not doing magic. Did I ever do magic? I don't remember.
Year after year. Year after year.
There is a new man in the bed across the room. He is not like me; he smiles and talks. He has a lot of pictures of himself. He writes his name on them and gives them to people. Do I have a name? I don't remember.
Year after year. Year after year.
The boy comes again. He holds my hand now. I like it. His hand is warm. He touches the scars on my arm and tells me he's sorry. Did he make the scars? I don't remember. He says he used to be angry at me for not being like other children's mothers. He says that now he understands better, he's proud of me. What did I do? I don't remember.
He says that maybe one day I'll be proud of him too. I just stare blankly. He looks into my eyes and tells me he loves me. He says he's kept every sweet wrapper I gave him. He says he knows I love him too. He calls me Mum. Is that my name?
Year after year. Year after year.
The room is very busy today. There are a lot of people coming and going. The Healer says it's Christmas. She has shiny silver stuff in her hair. Everyone is smiling, but I just stare blankly.
The woman and the boy come. They talk to me and the man in the next bed. They give us things. When they say goodbye, they aren't smiling any more. They seem sad. They walk away, but then I see the sweet wrapper I kept to give the boy. I don't like going into the big part of the room, but I want him to have the wrapper. I take a step, then another. And another. The boy is talking to some new people. I think he knows them. The woman is scolding him. Don't scold him, I want to say; he's kind. I come closer, and she sees me. I don't look at her; only at him. I hold out the wrapper and he takes it. The woman pats me on the shoulder, but she doesn't understand. The boy understands, though. He thanks me, and calls me Mum. Is that my name?