Welcome to the mid-90s, as comics and musicians are the wave of comedy and satire. But lately, that happenstance of comedians and black comedy had become pale and disfigured. Take this local nightclub in Eastern New York City. Fans love their beautiful one night stands and hit burlesque shows. However, it's also home to hit stand-up comics… or in this fic, the has-beens of droll wit.
A man was on the stage, speaking to audience about one of his jokes, "Wonderful audience here. You there, you an army soldier? That's fine. You know, I once performed for the President, during the Veteran's Day special. Sure helped him out. He loved my jokes, but one soldier, about knee-high, armed with just a cane, and he lectured me about the old days, and then beat me with the crutch, making me standing in attention."
The audience was enjoying the food and drinks, but they disliked the whole comedy routine of this gentleman that sings out one bad joke after another. He was once a famous stand-up comic, only now, his routine had become dry, pale, and completely overdone.
He explained his joke, "That reminds me of the astronaut in NASA, and he asked Mission Control about how long he was in space. And they said, "A millennium or so." So, he landed on the moon, wandered in space, and found a hotel. So, the astronaut arrives at the hotel, and the clerk said, "Welcome, sir, how long will you stay for?" And he says, "Oh, about a millennium." And the clerk said, "Okay, that'll be eight cents." And the astronaut replied, "Eight cents, for a room, for a millennium?! But I am pretty hungry. How about you send me up a sandwich?" And the clerk replied, "If you like a sandwich, that'll be $800." And the astronaut suddenly cried, "Eight cents for a room and eight hundred dollars for a sandwich?!" And the clerk responded, "That's right! In this hotel, we catch you by the sandwich!""
He bowed, as a couple people chuckled lightly. He then said, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have nothing to say, but I'm welcome to be at the Plaza Hotel, if you're interested. With that said, enjoy your night, and please welcome to the stage, The South Lennox Bumblebees!"
Chorus girls in bee outfits danced in a row, as the comedian exited the stage. He sighed, as he brushed his forehead. He groaned, "Worst performance I ever had…"
Meet Mr. Funny Man, or in this case, Mr. Bad Joke Man – Mr. Tenya Iida. A popular stand-up comic-turned-old news. He has the aspiration to collect funny bones, and hanged them on the wall as trophies, to remind himself of his famed career, and to hide the cracked foundation in yellowed wallpaper… in the interior decoration of failure. Poor Tenyu Iida, a bad joke told in a foreign language of an empty hall; the comic unable to coax laughter. Enjoy this Bizarre My Hero Academia tale, Quirk-free and with lots of laughs… in the "Tales of the Bizarre"…
Tales of the Bizarre #57:
Make Me Laugh
*-A MHA story, OOC and Quirk-free
Iida returned to his dressing room, as he adjusted his glasses and grumbled in disgust. He sat down, as he agent was sitting in the couch, waiting. She was wearing a dark red suit, with black hair done in a ponytail. She asked, "How did it go, Iida?"
He replied, "Terrible. Not so bad on the first show… but I want to rework a couple more material, before the next act."
He sat down and looked at himself in the mirror. He sighed, as he was disappointed, "Tenya Iida, where are you now? What happened to the happy and carefree man that you were, making people laugh…"
He turned to his agent and roared, "SO SAY IT!"
"Say what?" The girl asked.
He sighed, "Never mind. I mean, you know me too well… but you should guess by now. It would've been nice, you pushing a bunch of chuckles and laughs to me! Maybe even clapping your hands for an applause to me! Why, or even playing Forest Park! I'm stuck with an agent that has me lying on the road, until sunset!"
"Didn't go well, did it?"
"Only a tomb onstage… namely in the audience."
A boy in red and white hair appeared, as he called, "No… You're the only corpse onstage. It's a mausoleum out there."
The girl called, "He warmed up so slow, Mr. Todoroki!"
Todoroki said, "Well, this stiff couldn't warm up an electric stove! It's 102 out there!"
Iida complained, "It was a tough audience, Mr. Todoroki, if you could give me that!"
Todoroki said, "Well, do that, get new material, and I'll give you your cut – walking papers."
The girl whined, "BUT YOU SAID THREE WEEKENDS!"
Todoroki barked, "That was before I heard him! He goes on stage in one hour, and after that, he's gone. Fired! Pink slipped without pay!"
The girl yelled, "You savage!"
Todoroki said, "Look, you're his agent, Yaoyorozu. Is that the idea?"
Momo said, "I've only worked with him, for 16 months now."
Todoroki stated, "Well, he's a green, since he's new on the scene. But right now, he's puke green. You can book him in the Smithsonian Museum, since his jokes are lifeless and still."
Iida roared, "HEY! You cannot ax me out, after one lousy show! I'm just getting started, you hear me, Mr. Todoroki?"
Todoroki barked, "I can't? Read your contract, Iida!"
"What do I have to lose? An act's got a build, couple weeks from word to mouth! Tell him, Momo! Tell him about that gig in Brooklyn! SIX WEEKS HELD OVER! My chuckles and laughs can fill a room! Why, I would fill the entire Tokyo Dome, with many a laugh!"
Todoroki said, "Unasked: the following opinion… You could fill three men and six shoeshines… but you couldn't fill an executive men's room with four temps."
He walked out of the room, as Momo slammed the door. She barked, "Who needs him? We'll find another gig, somewhere. All you need is to work up your act more. You're still going strong."
Iida moaned, "No, I'm finished. Nowadays, it's not funny to make bad jokes, anymore… I'm like Fozzie Bear, and I bet he'd evolve into a robot bear that kills people… Wanna know something, Momo?"
"No, what?" She asked.
He said in sadness, "I was a fat ugly kid… When I used to go to boys' camp, all the kids push me off the docks, and everybody laughed at me. That's all I wanted… to make people laugh."
Momo smiled, "You made some people laugh…"
He smiled, "Momo… My loyal friend… I'm just a second-rate shmuck… and for sixteen months, we performed in cafés, diners, clubs, and even karaoke bars. And we're still digging in garbage dumps…"
Momo complained, "Well, you're not going to make him push you like that, are you?"
Iida slumped his head and groaned, "That's all I wanted… is to make people laugh… I wish I could have that…"
At a local bar, Iida was drowning his sorrows in club soda, as he was feeling dejected. Far from his distance, a girl with brown hair and a pink outfit, wearing a turban, was viewing the saddened Iida. A boy in red hair, in a bartender's outfit, asked, "Iida Tenyu? You're famous, and now, all of a sudden, depressed, penniless, and a sad sack. I bet you killed them in Perth Amboy."
Iida groaned, "They were already dead in Perth Amboy."
He grumbled, "I give Perth Amboy, which is Todoroki's Bar; six tables, each with its own undertaker and pallbearer. And that red-white half-and-haver is the gravedigger."
He grumbled, as the bartender offered another shot of soda. The girl appeared to him, as she bowed, smiling in glee. She then said, "Tenyu Iida?"
He asked, "Yeah? What do you want?"
She smiled, "We have not met, Effendi. Ochako is my name. Miracles, my profession."
He chuckled, "Miracles? Heh… That's just what I needed, Ms. Ochako. In any rate, you're now face-to-face with Mr. Lucky; only now, he's become the opposite of his namesake, as the luckiest man in the face of the earth."
Ochako said, "Forgive me, Mr. Iida. But for my point of view, you are of the Irish Winter States. You are the owner of the 1989 Oakland Athletics. On the day of probation, you are that little old winemaker, defying the liquor law."
"Thanks for indulging me… but I'm the skipper of a luxury liner, only it sank. I'm a beachcomber in the desert… I'm a diamond in the rough, and that diamond is me, a false, a fake, and a worthless rock. I'm a famed baritone with laryngitis."
"You, Mr. Iida, are a young man with many things ahead of you, right in your way. Yet it need not always be on Perth Amboy. You, my friend, could make The Tonight Show. I, on the other hand, am far favoring the tassels on the end of my rope. For you see, I will be stripped of my magical powers, at Midnight tonight, if I were not to be given a miracle. And I would have dishonored my ancestors."
Iida asked, "Wait a minute… Are you some sort of genie?"
She said, "In a way, I'm sort of a seeing that you're diddling with the essence, Effendi. I am a miracle guru, and my system works every once a month; I am in arrears, hence disaster."
"Will you give me any miracle?"
"Name it."
"Could you get me on David Letterman?"
"That can be arranged."
"Four weeks in Las Vegas?"
"With options."
Iida was overjoyed, as he figured it out. He said, "I get it now…"
"Speak, Effendi, speak!" She cheered.
He said, "Could you make it that people will laugh at me? I mean, I want to make people laugh. That's all. Could you fix it?"
"Hysterically… Beyond your wildest dreams!"
"Then do it!"
She paused and asked, "Do it, right now? I am not so sure…"
He asked, "What are you saying? I will make you perform it, since you have until midnight!"
"It shall be done, but-."
"But what?" he protested, "What? You're a fraud? A PHONY? You want my soul, right?"
She said, as she was nervous, "Well, that can't be like that, Effendi. Candor dictates such prior admissions, Mr. Iida. Before a miracle can be occurred, it is necessary that I leave no truth unspoken. That is to say that I am posed to let the miracle be wrought, severely. Which is why I am find myself in this 11th hour of proverbial imperfections, of this fated occurrence…"
"Imperfections?"
"Well, small imperfections, miniature… but it is come to your confusion that I am simply… a bit of a klutz, as said to a circle of my peers. So, I'm safe to say that miracles that are wrought by me, depending on the certain task that I am provided, may lead to misfortune…"
He stated, "I don't care! Make the miracle! That's all I wanted!"
She stated, "No, no, hear me out. There was a famous pro wrestler that wanted to be famous in Tibet. It was his dream. But in the midst of a huge blizzard, he was stranded alone and atop of Mt. Everest, and they fished him out with a snow shovel and ice tongs. Am I getting through with you on this, Mr. Iida?"
He groaned, "Look, I understand, but I don't want the dangers headed to me."
She pleaded, "But there are dangers! And there are risks!"
"I don't care! Make me have people laugh! You're a miracle guru! What next? You're going to make a miracle that causes global warming, maybe even the country of China suffer an illness, or better yet, find a way to have the Cubs win the World Series, for once? I really don't care what risk there is, JUST DO IT!"
He groaned, as he held his head. She said, "Mr. Iida, it is done! You have the ability to make people laugh!"
"Wha?"
"It is done."
Iida asked, "What? What is done?"
The bartender suddenly laughed, as he chuckled, "What's done? You said what's done? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You said-! HAHAHAHAHA! What's done? What's done?"
He dragged him by the arms and showed it to the people at the bar, and called, "HEY, EVERYONE, THIS GUY HAS THE GREATEST ROUTINE IN THE WORLD!"
Iida called, "What's done?"
The patrons were laughing wildly, as Iida kept yelling at the bargoers, calling "What's Done?" every time, and every time, people started to laugh hysterically. Iida turned to Ochako and called, "Hey, Miss Guru! What's Done? YOUR miracle! You made that miracle, guru!"
Everyone laughs, as Iida celebrates his newfound miracle to make people laugh. But all Ochako could do is pout in the stool, as she whispered, "Indeed I have, Mr. Iida… I'm afraid your right, Effendi…"
Everyone continued to laugh, as all Ochako could do is sit in her stool, not laughing.
And so, Iida was happily onstage, performing his act, and everyone was laughing. Eventually, Todoroki changed his mind about axing him, and made him stay for the planned three weekends. Since then, he had become an overnight sensation. He laughed it up in Las Vegas, and all around the famous casinos, he was a laugh riot.
Months passed, as Momo was waiting in the dressing room for Iida to return. Iida was in his tuxedo, as he said, "I killed it… again…"
Momo smiled, "I don't know how, but you're on a roll, ever since you found that one little line! You were fantastic!"
He said, "Yeah, I was…" but he felt upsetting, since he could not smile for what he accomplished. He added, "Well, you want to know something? All I did was open my mouth, standing in attention… and they laugh like boom goes the dynamite."
"I'm proud of you!" Momo smiled.
"You should be." Iida said, "And I did it all by myself. And I thought steel drum bands were your thing."
"Was is right." Momo said, "They rusted out, and I got them a fair date in Columbus. And they got booed off the stage."
She asked in concern, "I had no choice. I had to take somebody else, or go on the streets, asking for a crumb and a penny!"
He changed into his robe and said, "No, I understand. What I don't understand is me. I'm a huge hit, no matter where I go!"
"What do you mean? You don't understand yourself?"
"It's how come I don't get any kicks. But every time I open my mouth, they scream! And I tell old jokes, and they are as open as letters, and not outdated like cars… Not to me, at least… Old jokes lie on the floor, like antiques, gathering dust, and they roll it over on the floor!"
"That's great!"
He protested, "You think it is, but lemme tell you, it's not great! It's… dull…"
"But isn't it what you wanted?" Momo asked, "You wanted to make people laugh, and you did! I even looked at the small skit you did on Saturday Night Live, and you tore the roof off of the place!"
He explained, "No… I only had one skit. No lines, and no scenes. You know what I did? I wore my hat, walked on the stage, I tip my hat, and everyone incinerates the audience in HUGE guffaws! I did my scene, walked off. That's it. BIG WHOOP! I took my hat off!"
He through the hat down on the floor and whined, "It's no wonder why SNL didn't fire those writers, for such hammy work! Me! One skit, and they liked what I did! This is the famed work that they took months to create famed skits! I walk in, take off my hat, they scream, and that was it. I haven't had much laughs, since they pushed me off the docks!"
She asked, "So?"
He groaned, "Momo, you don't understand… Making people laugh is one thing, but I'm bored. I have to work for it; NO, fight for it! I mean, I think I want to stop making people laugh."
Momo protested, "NO! That's exactly what you wanted! You made it feel like it's Dullsville, USA! AND NOW LOOK! NOW IT'S HAPPENING! Don't you get it? A comic wants BIG LAUGHS! Don't you get it?!"
Iida nodded, "You're right. I can still make people laugh; anybody can make people laugh. But I want more out of it! Anyone can push off the dock and drown in the water! HA HA HA HA HA, H-A-H-A-H-A! BIG DEAL!"
He held up telegrams, as he stated, "I got goofy deals, for sponsors, for checks, for deals, and all for what? For comedic class, from a poor out-of-town, four-eyed, big chinned schnook?!"
Momo said, "Well, I appreciate it…"
Iida barked, "Get your head out of the carnivals, state fairs, and tent shows! You want to manage donnikers all your life? I want to-!"
He found a telegram, from Broadway, as he was worried, "Hold it… Look at this! This is legit! This is what I want to do next!
Dear Mr. Iida, I like to discuss with you to a spot in a dramatic role in a straight dramatic play, under option.
Get this, Tenyu Iida, actor!"
Momo pleaded, "Actor? You're a famed comic, not a straight man! Why, you can be a comedy actor! Yes, that's good! You make people laugh-!"
Iida shoved her aside and shouted, "Comedy… Satire… Jesters… Clowns… Circuses… I am a comic… was a comic… was a clown… was a dope, was a dolt, was a dunce, was a klutz, was a joker… NO MORE! You understand? Yes, I wanna be an actor, but not by droll comedy! Tenyu Iida will-, no, I need newer name than Tenyu…"
He thought, "Tenchu Iida? No… Tensuke Iida… Yes, that's it."
He called out, "For the Academy Award, for Best Supporting Actor in a Starring Role… The envelope please… The winner is… Tensuke Iida."
Tenyu Iida, undergoing a new persona, just like that, retired as a comic, and returned to New York to start a brand-new career: dramatic lead.
Days later, he returned to New York, as a man in black hair and a beard was holding a script. He said in a dull voice, "Iida… You're up, Iida."
Iida sat up, as he was greeted to a girl in lilac skin and pink hair, and a blue dress. Iida smiled and said, "How do you do?"
The girl smiled, "Thanks…"
The man called, "Alright, Mr. Iida, turn to act two, from the top. Now, in your role, your wife left you, and you're a circus clown, out of work… and you found the note on the fridge. In fact, there isn't a single thing left that you have to live for."
Iida said, "Yes, sir."
The man called, "Miss Ashido, you play the Acrobat Girl."
She nodded, "Right."
He called, "Alright, page 23… Action!"
Mina responded, acting as an Acrobat Girl, "What's the matter, Chuckles? You look rather down in the dumps, today."
Iida moaned, "Sure odd. I'm a clown. A clown's supposed to look down in the dumps. And that makes me odd… I was on my way to the Big Top, and… My life just got dissolved!"
Iida worked hard and suddenly acted like a sad crying clown. However… Mina started to laugh, as does a lot of people, except for the director, who has no sense of humor, for some reason. Iida finished his line, as everyone was still laughing. Iida was in disbelief, as he asked, "What? Why are you all laughing? What is this? This isn't funny! This is drama!"
The director huffed, "Look, not to be rude, but it's hilarious. But you don't see me smile, do you?"
Iida growled, "You know what? You can make people laugh, anybody had that, but-."
He called, "Kid, you're a comic! Everything you act out, you're simply in the gag reel! You need a comedic role, not some dopey sad crying clown!"
"But sir-!"
"No buts! Shake my hand, and receive yourself a pat on the back for effort, and get out."
They all laughed, as Iida roared, "You… You people are hyenas! You want to know what else? You're a bunch of dirty, rotten, insensitive people! You're all repugnant! That's what you are! Repugnant! You're the kind that pushed me off the dock!"
He marched off, as he was fuming in complete anger. His dramatic role in movies and plays ended, before it even started. As he marched off, Ochako was viewing everything, as she was disappointed.
XXXXX
Even so, he continued to make people laugh, reinventing himself as an insult comic. He continued to make people laugh, making insults at people.
"You people are all the same! You push people to the docks and make them drown! You're just like this failing economic system, where you waste money for schlubs like me! Wanna know one thing? You people can mock the world, but you cannot mock yourself! Unruly! And you are all pathetic jokes!"
The fans loved it, as they laughed to no end. Even if he changed his act, from a funny joker telling jokes to a comic that insults people and hates everything, they still laughed at him. And Iida, receiving all the fame he acquired, was sick of it.
After his latest performance in a small tavern in New York, he walked off to the streets and was completely sad. He had accomplished his dream to make people laugh… and already, after a long-standing career, he was tired of it. Momo, his now former agent, never called him, since, and was never seen again. Iida was all alone… with fame and fortune, and with a curse inside him.
"It's the docks, all over again…" he groaned in disdain, "Nobody wants a chattering laugh box…"
A girl in a turban called, "As must be obvious, Effendi… You put a miracle at your own risk."
It was Ochako, as she greeted to Iida, "Thanks to you, my powers have grown completely rampant. Miracles are not without risk. Unforeseen little addenda."
Iida barked at her, "YOU! This is all your fault, Miss Addenda!"
Ochako sobbed, "Why? Why do you hate me now, Effendi?"
Iida protested, "It's thanks to you, I will never be famous, as I want to be! Now I can't say a proper "How are you?" without people breaking out, screaming in convulsions!"
She explained, "Forgive me. But it was as you wished, Effendi."
"As I wished? Well, take it back!"
"But, Mr. Iida… Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yes… It's what I wanted! But now I don't want it anymore! I can't even order breakfast, leading to people laughing at me! Understand? Fix it so that I can never make people laugh, again!"
"Effendi… There is an unwritten law. One miracle to a customer."
"Fine!" He barked, "Then listen here, you reject of Arabian Nights! Make another miracle! One that touches the hearts of others! Make them cry… not laugh…"
"Cry?"
He demanded, "Exactly. You make that miracle, in trade of making people laugh, so people can be moved emotionally. Make it happen. If not, then I'm going to make due that you're turned into a mop, you second-hand swami! If I don't get this miracle, what's left of you will be stuffed into that dirty rag of a turban, and tossed into the streets, covered in oil, moss, and mud!"
Ochako nodded, closed her eyes, and prayed. She nodded, and responded, "It is done. No longer you will make people laugh, Effendi. You will now make people cry."
Iida smirked, "Done?"
She nodded, as he said, "Well… What's done? You, as nothing but a toilet brush. I don't see any people around."
He spotted a girl in blonde hair, wearing a yellow dress, sorting out flowers. He said, "Here's a happy girl. Watch this, guru. I'm going to show you if this works, or it's a crock."
He called to the girl, walking across the street, as he waved, "Miss? Miss, wanna hear a joke? There were three men, all met in a streetcar! The first one said-!"
But suddenly, a taxi drove by and honked its horn. It crashed onto Iida, and Iida fell onto the pavement, battered, bloodied, and his arms and legs all broken. People were gathering to Iida's body, as they were shocked to see him get run over. Ochako was worried, as she walked off. She then walked past the girl in blonde, crying for Iida, as she was saddened. She later learned that Tenyu Iida had died of a car accident.
Ochako said, in her last words, as she disappeared into the streets, "I wonder if I will ever get the hang of it…"
Mr. Tenyu Iida, former comic and now tabloid star in the entertainment scene… He made a miracle to himself that he could make people laugh, and he did. He even offered to make people cry, to which, in his final moments, he does. Sir Max Beerbolm reflected this by saying "No one ever died of laughter…"
A case to be filed under "C" for comedy and "T" for tragedy… in the "Tales of the Bizarre"…
Thanks for reading… wherever you are…