A/N: C/S established relationship.
Warnings: References to child abuse.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: Not mine. None of it. None of them. No money.
Please don't sue.
"Stop!" I scramble out from under her and sit as far away as I can without getting off the bed. My rapid breathing is no longer from her touches, but from my own fear. She looks shocked and hurt.
"What is it, Sara? What did I do?"
"I.I." I stutter. I start crying and Catherine just sits there, unsure of how to react, I suppose. I drag the blanket round me and wrap my arms round my knees, rocking myself gently.
"Sara.talk to me. Did I hurt you?" Unable to answer I just sit there, trying to block out of my head the sound of his voice, his heavy breathing. "Do you want me to go?"
My non-response hurts her, I can see in her eyes. But I am trapped inside my own head, trapped in the past. I lean my head back a little, fighting against the phantom hand I can feel pushing it downwards. I suddenly feel like I am going to vomit, but without the strength to move I just swallow hard and hope for the best. "Please." I beg, hearing in my whisper the terrified voice of a six year old.
It was not meant for her, but she takes it that way and starts gathering her clothes from the floor.
Slowly the world around me comes back into my consciousness and I am aware enough to speak. "Cath, don't go." She immediately drops what she is doing and sits back down on the bed. She is half dressed, just in her underwear. One sock on, one sock off. Her searching gaze sweeps my face.
"I'm sorry." I start crying again, realising I just wrecked everything between us. But she has not bolted out of here, yet. That is more than previous lovers. So maybe there is hope.
"Sara," she says softly. "What is it? You can tell me."
Strangely, I want to. That is what else separates her and my previous lovers; I asked her to stay, I want her to understand.
I reach blindly behind me for the box of Tic-Tacs on my night stand. It is amazing how strong a twenty-six year old taste can be.
The mint masks the salty taste my memory so accurately conjured up, and with the flashback fading, I take a deep breath to start my explanation.
"I'm really sorry Catherine. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Sara," she cuts in, "I'm more worried about you being upset. You looked terrified." It is a question masked in a statement, and I know she put it that way so I can avoid answering it if I need to. I am intensely grateful to have such a sensitive girlfriend, but even her caring nature might not be enough to make her stay with me when she finds out exactly how much baggage I have.
"I was. He always terrified me. Each and every time. You'd think I would have got used to it, and I suppose I did a little bit, learned to switch off while he." I pause and take a deep breath. "But I still used to lay awake at night, wondering if tomorrow would be one of the days."
Understanding slid across her face, followed by pain and anger. "Who was he?"
"Family friend. My parents used to leave me with him when they went off for the weekend, or had something to do that they didn't want me tagging along with. Sometimes he'd come over and invite me to his house. My parents used to make me go, saying he missed having children around because he'd none of his own."
"Oh, Sara." Catherine reaches tentatively for me and I steel myself not to flinch away from her touch. The backs of her fingers run softly over my cheek.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."
"There's no need to apologise."
"I'll understand if.if you think this is too much for you to handle. I mean, what happened tonight could happen anytime we have sex, Cath."
"Honey, I can handle it. And I will be okay if it happens again, because this isn't just sex to me. We're making love."
"Cath." Relief floods my body, chasing away the last of the adrenaline and a smile sneaks onto my face. "What did I do to deserve you?"
"I always assumed you were a saint in a previous life or something," she jokes. "Seriously Sara, when I say I want you, I mean all of you, with your history and everything. I wouldn't change you for the world."
I shift across the bed to hug her tightly. Catherine holds me back quite gently, so I feel in control.
I manoeuvre us so we are lying down, me in front of Catherine, and drag the blanket over us. She wraps her arms possessively around my waist and pulls me back slightly so we have full body contact.
Exhausted from the past hour I quickly fall asleep. The last thing I hear as I drift into unconsciousness is her whispered declaration of love.
Fin
Feedback, please? Constructive criticism would be welcomed.
Disclaimer: Not mine. None of it. None of them. No money.
Please don't sue.
"Stop!" I scramble out from under her and sit as far away as I can without getting off the bed. My rapid breathing is no longer from her touches, but from my own fear. She looks shocked and hurt.
"What is it, Sara? What did I do?"
"I.I." I stutter. I start crying and Catherine just sits there, unsure of how to react, I suppose. I drag the blanket round me and wrap my arms round my knees, rocking myself gently.
"Sara.talk to me. Did I hurt you?" Unable to answer I just sit there, trying to block out of my head the sound of his voice, his heavy breathing. "Do you want me to go?"
My non-response hurts her, I can see in her eyes. But I am trapped inside my own head, trapped in the past. I lean my head back a little, fighting against the phantom hand I can feel pushing it downwards. I suddenly feel like I am going to vomit, but without the strength to move I just swallow hard and hope for the best. "Please." I beg, hearing in my whisper the terrified voice of a six year old.
It was not meant for her, but she takes it that way and starts gathering her clothes from the floor.
Slowly the world around me comes back into my consciousness and I am aware enough to speak. "Cath, don't go." She immediately drops what she is doing and sits back down on the bed. She is half dressed, just in her underwear. One sock on, one sock off. Her searching gaze sweeps my face.
"I'm sorry." I start crying again, realising I just wrecked everything between us. But she has not bolted out of here, yet. That is more than previous lovers. So maybe there is hope.
"Sara," she says softly. "What is it? You can tell me."
Strangely, I want to. That is what else separates her and my previous lovers; I asked her to stay, I want her to understand.
I reach blindly behind me for the box of Tic-Tacs on my night stand. It is amazing how strong a twenty-six year old taste can be.
The mint masks the salty taste my memory so accurately conjured up, and with the flashback fading, I take a deep breath to start my explanation.
"I'm really sorry Catherine. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Sara," she cuts in, "I'm more worried about you being upset. You looked terrified." It is a question masked in a statement, and I know she put it that way so I can avoid answering it if I need to. I am intensely grateful to have such a sensitive girlfriend, but even her caring nature might not be enough to make her stay with me when she finds out exactly how much baggage I have.
"I was. He always terrified me. Each and every time. You'd think I would have got used to it, and I suppose I did a little bit, learned to switch off while he." I pause and take a deep breath. "But I still used to lay awake at night, wondering if tomorrow would be one of the days."
Understanding slid across her face, followed by pain and anger. "Who was he?"
"Family friend. My parents used to leave me with him when they went off for the weekend, or had something to do that they didn't want me tagging along with. Sometimes he'd come over and invite me to his house. My parents used to make me go, saying he missed having children around because he'd none of his own."
"Oh, Sara." Catherine reaches tentatively for me and I steel myself not to flinch away from her touch. The backs of her fingers run softly over my cheek.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."
"There's no need to apologise."
"I'll understand if.if you think this is too much for you to handle. I mean, what happened tonight could happen anytime we have sex, Cath."
"Honey, I can handle it. And I will be okay if it happens again, because this isn't just sex to me. We're making love."
"Cath." Relief floods my body, chasing away the last of the adrenaline and a smile sneaks onto my face. "What did I do to deserve you?"
"I always assumed you were a saint in a previous life or something," she jokes. "Seriously Sara, when I say I want you, I mean all of you, with your history and everything. I wouldn't change you for the world."
I shift across the bed to hug her tightly. Catherine holds me back quite gently, so I feel in control.
I manoeuvre us so we are lying down, me in front of Catherine, and drag the blanket over us. She wraps her arms possessively around my waist and pulls me back slightly so we have full body contact.
Exhausted from the past hour I quickly fall asleep. The last thing I hear as I drift into unconsciousness is her whispered declaration of love.
Fin
Feedback, please? Constructive criticism would be welcomed.