It started the same. Oh yes, I knew this was a dream, but I also knew the attempt to wake up was futile. I could see very little as it began...the fog made everything difficult to see. But I could feel. I could feel where I was, where I was every night. I was standing in the middle of our meadow...or more correctly put the meadow. The title "our" had very little meaning to me anymore. Suddenly through the twisting fog came a man. His face...that is what makes the dream or nightmare so terrifying. I could almost sense the feeling of my heart racing back in reality, safe in my bed. I reached forward, being drawn in by those godlike golden eyes. How could anyone so perfect exist? Surely he would disappear once my fingers made contact and that almost made them hesitate. Then it came...the bad part, and even though I expected it, it didn't make the pain any more bearable then when my own ears had heard them in reality. "You're not good for me, Bella." Then his face and everything with it disappeared just like that back into the fog he had come from. I woke screaming in a desperate, pleading way.
I often wondered if my memory would ever learn to forget. Surely I had suffered enough now that I had earned a release of some sort? Apparently whoever was in control of this life thought otherwise? I gasped slightly, trying to slow down my heart rate, Charlie would no doubt be checking on me in a minute and I needed to pretend to be asleep for his sake. After wiping the tears I hadn't noticed I'd cried, I laid my head back on the pillow and closed my pain filled eyes. It was then my door creaked open and my father Charlie stuck his head in. I could almost feel his guilt for allowing me to convince him to let me stay in Forks. I didn't know why I demanded it. It wasn't as if I didn't believe he (I still shudder when I think his name) didn't want me. It had always made sense to me that I was less than he deserved. I just couldn't bear to leave. It was like putting down an amazing book when you finally reached the ending. What if I didn't want the story to be over, no matter how little I deserved it in the first place?
Once Charlie was satisfied that I was no longer going to scream he shut the door lightly and went to bed. Immediately I opened my brown eyes once more and began to prepare myself for the day. Jacob had finally backed off; realizing there was no way my heart was even capable of beating properly, let alone loving anything again. I hung out with his pack most days, finding their childish behaviour and amusing interactions distracting enough to show Charlie I had a life, even if that life was 100% show. The only friends from Forks High school who had really accepted me after I made an effort to come out of my depression were Angela, Ben and Mike (who I think secretly still thought he had a chance with me).
Sighing I climbed out of bed with the same half ass effort as usual. Like a zombie I went through the usual steps for my day. One: shower. Two: eat what I could stomach. Three: school. Four: work. Five: Jake. Sure, it was repetitive and even depressing but I was making an effort that Charlie and my friends needed to see. They saw it as improvement; I saw it as a mask that proved my talent at lying was getting much better. If only he could see me now...No. I swore I wouldn't think about him anymore, it just causes more pain. That hole I so desperately try to ignore tears wider, causing me to want to curl up into myself, hide from the world, hide from reality, because he was no longer apart of mine.
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It was just an average Friday night. I had just finished eating dinner and washing the dishes, and Charlie as always didn't really know what to do with me. "So Bells, any plans for tonight?" he asked as calmly as he could. I concentrated on keeping my voice even as I murmured a no almost as calmly. He just nodded, I could see the pain in his face, lines that didn't exist before this mess, but what could I do? I felt like I was constantly trying to keep myself in check, keep from breaking down completely. Today had been particularly hard. Everything seemed to remind me of him and I was beginning to wonder how long I could keep up this charade. As quickly as I could I snuck up to my room to sleep. I lay in bed and quickly the depression settled in...I had almost decided, I hoped Alice was keeping true to Edwards promise and not paying attention to my future because I knew I could not do this any longer. I also knew I was far too weak to take my own life, which would kill my father. But I could not live this life without my other half...the one who truly held my heart. How did he expect me to live like this, how did he expect me to survive? Swiftly I came to my only dark conclusion to my problem. It brought me back to a memory from long ago; "Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it-I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help...so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."
Just thinking back to that conversation that had falsely made me believe he loved me in any way made me shudder. But it was clear it was just him thinking guilty thoughts if it had been his fault and James killed me. I swiftly climbed out of bed grabbing the nearest clothes, which ironically was the deep blue blouse he loved so much against my skin and jeans. Tears streamed down my face as I grabbed my cell phone, keys and my passport. Starting my truck without waking Charlie was a task, but I suppose fate was on my side tonight, fate wanted this, needed this to make things right again. Driving to the airport was silent. No music played, no night animals made a sound, the skies even refused to rain which was a rarity in a place like Forks. I pulled into the airport and parked in a random spot, the authorities or even my father himself would eventually find my truck, I hoped this would not kill him, I hoped he would assume this was a runaway case and just let it be. I surprised myself by being calmer then I had been since he left. The hole was still there, still aching painfully all the way from my head to my toe but I found that I had a purpose now; I would do this the right way, for him. The woman behind the counter smiled politely at me and asked "Where to miss?" I smiled back; it felt strange on my face that hadn't smiled in so long. "Volterra, Italy please"