Warning: Hetero sex, as the summary says. If that's not your thing, you can still enjoy the hilarious pitfalls of being a dude without reading the actual smut part.

A/N: Hiiiii everyone! It's finally here! The companion piece to my epic story, No Solid Ground, in which Santana becomes a guy to get her lady-lover preggo.

Thanks to everyone who read NSG, and voted for it in the Glee Fanfic Awards! It won runner-up for best sci-fi fic, which means one thing: you guys are awesome! I seriously have the best readers in the entire fandom, no joke. Pat yourselves on the back for being amazing. :')

This fic takes place between the last chapter and the epilogue, but you don't really have to read NSG to know what's going on. But hey, it can't hurt. If you're looking to waste your life on a long, loooong story, feel free to read (or re-read! Lol) it.

Enjoy!

I was nervous.

Like, really nervous. More nervous than I was that time I had to fight Sebastian, more than that time I almost died- okay, let's be real, though, that was way more than one time. More nervous than when I asked Brittany to marry me- again. (We were already married, remember? It's not like she'd say no.)

But seriously. My stomach felt like a garden. You know, those lame ones for butterflies and shit? Yeah, like a butterfly garden.

I was about to talk to Brittany about having kids.

Now don't get me wrong, I already knew Brittany wanted to have a baby with me. She'd kind of dropped some pretty obvious hints, like Oh wouldn't it be nice to have children right now and Gee, I'd sure love to be a mother.

Well, okay, not exactly like that. But obvious enough for me to catch on that maybe it was a conversation we should have, you know?

But still, it was a pretty intimidating subject. Like, how many. When. Who would carry. How she wanted it done- there were so many options already, and it was overwhelming. I didn't even know where to start, really.

It wasn't a decision I was taking lightly, but Brittany and I had been married for a few years, and our careers were in a good place, and so, it was probably the right time, right? Is there ever a right time? I guess you've just got to go with what feels right. Right?

Right.

So I woke up with a butterfly garden in my stomach (seriously, admission is 14 bucks with a special discount for military and seniors- wait, gross, nevermind) and as Brittany pressed a loving kiss to my lips to leave for work that morning, I felt those butterflies multiplying like rabbits in Australia. I knew I was going to have to talk to her about it. Today.

Today.

Okay, honestly, I had already done some planning and research.

I had called Quinn.

And that's where it had all started.

"I don't know what to do," I whined into the phone, and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes on the other end as she sighed.

"Well, if you want me to explain the mechanics of how to make a baby, I'm afraid you've called the wrong person, but I can send you the links to some very informative websites and the number to Planned Parenthood-"

"Q, I'm serious," I snapped.

"So am I," she shot back. "Is Brittany going to have the kids?"

"Well- yeah, I guess," I said dumbly. I had pictured her being the one to carry. Not that I didn't want to, but- she's the one who expressed wanting to have them, so-

"You should probably confirm that," Quinn teased. "But let's just assume for the time being that you're getting her pregnant."

"Okay," I said, nodding, even though she couldn't see me. It was quiet for a moment. "Okay," I said again, "So what do I do?"

"Fucking get her pregnant, Santana," Quinn snapped. "Jeez, do I have to spell it out for you?"

"No, but how-"

Quinn huffed. "You have the transforming power, right?"

"Yeah, but what does-"

"Then use it."

And that's when it hit me- I could use the transforming power!

"Yeah," I said absently, the idea taking hold in my brain. Seriously, why hadn't I thought of it sooner? "Yeah, thanks- and Q?"

"Hm?"

I smirked. "Can you really get me the links to those websites?"

She huffed. "Good-bye, Santana."

Laughing, I said good-bye to Quinn, who begrudgingly accepted it and then crawled back into whatever current political advocacy cave she was squatting in, and I smiled at myself, feeling pretty pleased with my absolute brilliance.

If I performed a frolis maneuver, I could combine two sets of DNA to create a new form- two sets like my parents. All I had to do was acquire them, combine their DNA, and make another me- a boy version of me. Simple. There was only one problem-

I had no fucking clue how to do a frolis maneuver.

Obviously, Brittany did. She could guide me through it. But I kind of liked the idea of surprising her and sweeping her off her feet and all that romantic spontaneous shit. I didn't want to get all caught up in the mechanics of it, you know? And I already knew she'd be okay with me being a guy during- after all, she'd tried to have sex with me as Sam once, so I don't really think she cared too much about my form's gender.

But if I didn't have Brittany guide me through the process, that meant I had to find someone else.

"Ask Sugar," Mercedes said flatly, stabbing her fork into her potatoes. It was days later and we were at lunch. I had already visited my parents and surreptitiously acquired them through a firm handshake with my father and a long hug with my mother (and I admit, it was weird, but I powered through it) and now I wasn't sure how to proceed. I had the DNA I needed. I just had no way to combine it.

Trust me. I'd tried. And boy, did I feel stupid afterwards.

"If there's anyone who knows someone who could help you, it's her," Mercedes continued, drawing me back into the conversation.

I pushed my pasta around in my bowl, resting my chin in my hand. "I guess."

"What?" Mercedes demanded with a raised eyebrow. "You don't think she'd help you?"

"No, she would," I said. "That's the problem. She's creepy, Wheezy. She'd get too involved, and-"

"Do you want to surprise Brittany, or not?" she asked pointedly. "Sugar can help you, you know she can. And it's for Brittany. It's worth putting up with that Richie Bitch for her, ain't it?"

I sighed. "Of course. Anything is worth it, for her."

"Exactly." Mercedes took another bite of her potatoes. "I sure wish Sam felt that way about me."

I rolled my eyes. "He does. He just has to grow some balls, is all. Give him time."

"It's been years. What's he waiting for? Another war?"

I shrugged. "He's probably just intimidated. Think about it, Wheezy- you've been through a lot together."

"True, but so have you and Brittany."

I grinned like an idiot. "Yeah, but I just got lucky with Brittany, I guess."

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Here we go," she said, standing up abruptly. "Satan, you've got that stupid look on your face again. I've gotta run before everything turns to mush around here."

I laughed and stood up with her, shoving her in the arm. "Don't be jelly."

Mercedes paused and looked at me, smiling genuinely. "I am jealous, Santana. I want what you and Brittany have, with Sam."

I smiled back. "Well wake up, Aretha- Brittany and I are perfect. And you and Sam are- you and Sam."

"Okay," she chuckled, rolling her eyes. "I am happy for you, though. I hope it works out."

"It will," I said firmly, and she leaned in for a hug. I squeezed her gently.

When she pulled back, she offered me another sincere smile. "Good luck, Santana."

I swallowed and nodded. "Thanks."

It wasn't luck I needed- it was patience.

I had to call Sugar.

"Well, it's about time," she complained, and already, I was regretting my decision. I just had to keep telling myself it's for Brittany. And keep breathing. And thank the starlit heavens that I couldn't strangle Sugar through the phone.

"Yeah, so can you help me?" I demanded, trying to steer the conversation back towards why I called and away from Sugar's long, rambling complaints.

"Of course. I know just the person."

"This isn't like last time when you sent me to that crackhouse, is it, because-"

"Calm your tits, she's like Brittany."

That got me to pause. "What?"

"You know- an Andalite nothlit? An Andalite living as a human?"

"There are others?" I asked incredulously. How did I not know that? And just where the fuck were they while we were getting our asses handed to us during the War?

"Of course. You didn't think all the survivors of the Azimio that made it to Earth decided to jump right back into the war, did you? Not when they could live peaceful lives as humans."

I blinked. Well. That was news. "Somehow, I thought Andalites were a lot more loyal and honorable-"

"Oh, please- do you hear yourself?"

I laughed. "Okay, you're right."

"They want to survive and be happy just like anyone else," Sugar said seriously. Then, "Okay, I'm texting you the address- and actually, you've already met her."

"I have?" I asked, pulling the phone away from my ear to look. Sure enough, there was a text on the screen with an address.

"Uh-huh."

"Who is-" There was the sound of scuffling and static, and then I heard Sugar yelling. I furrowed my brow and waited impatiently, and then Sugar came back on the line.

"Look, I've gotta go. Try to call me more often, okay? And be sure to let me know if it works so I can throw you a baby shower! Bye!"

"Righ-" I started, but I was cut off by a dial tone, and I was left standing in my living room, staring at my phone in confusion. A soft mow at my feet made me look down at Lord Tubbington, who was staring up at me with a curious expression.

"Well, Lord T," I said as I crouched down to stroke my fingers over his head, "That actually went far better than I planned."

Upon entering the address into my GPS, I discovered that the house where I was going was very close to the place where Brittany and I had originally gotten married. Thankfully, our mansion wasn't across the country from it, but I was suspicious. Just who was Sugar sending me to? Holly again? April? Some other crazy, blonde-haired lady?

As I pulled my bright red convertible something (look, Brittany's into cars, not me) up to the gate and buzzed in, I got even more suspicious. Whoever this Andalite nothlit was, she's obviously done all right for herself. As I parked the car and stepped out, cautiously scanning my surroundings, I was met by a guy dressed in a tuxedo who only seemed to be a few years older than me. He was handsome, and his skin was unnaturally smooth and hairless. He gave me the creeps, but I held back my wince of disgust and forced a smile to my face.

"Mrs. Lopez," he said, and I tried to place his accent, because it sounded fake. I narrowed my eyes. Was he a nothlit, too?

The guy- a butler, I guess?- guided me up the steps and through the enormous front doors, and I was impressed. The lady's mansion was way larger than mine.

"We've been expecting you," the butler explained unnecessarily, and I half wondered if he'd been waiting to say that for a while because it sounded so ominous, but then we entered a huge sitting room, and seated comfortably in a tall, plush armchair was Carmen Tibideaux.

My jaw nearly dropped. "It's you!" I said, shocked.

Carmen took a calm sip from the wine glass in her hand and smiled. "So it is."

I sat on the couch. The butler- Brody- had brought me my own glass of wine, and a tray of little sandwiches. And as I stuffed my face with them, I listened as Carmen told me her story.

"It's good to see you again, Santana," she said, and her dark, soft eyes made me believe she actually meant it. It filled me with a warm feeling. It was good to know that I'd unknowingly had allies all those years ago, even though I didn't realize it.

"Yeah, you, too." I shook my head in amazement. "So, you're a-?"

She nodded. "I am. Although I was not part of the crew of the Azimio. I was originally part of a census mission here years ago- however, imagine the surprise of my team and myself when we learned the Yeerks had already made a move on this planet. We sent the transmission to the Fleet, informing them of the damage- but my team and I were discovered in the process." She paused, staring off into space for a moment. She swirled her glass of wine absently, and I waited for her to go on.

"The others were killed," she said finally, "and I was stranded here. My only choice was to try and disappear, to blend in to human society and wait, and in time," she smiled, "I grew to care for the humans."

"Wow," I said. I wondered if, had Brittany never met me, she would've taken the same path, but then I shook my head at my thoughts. No- the Yeerks were already too widespread by the time Brittany arrived. She was sent to wipe us out, not assimilate into a crumbling society. If Brittany had never met me, it was unlikely she would be a human now.

Which brought me to my next thought. I opened my mouth, but Carmen cut me off.

"Sugar's already explained to me why you're here," she said, looking at me carefully. Her stare almost seemed to be challenging, which belied the gentle smile on her lips. I swallowed. Just how much did Sugar tell her? I felt heat rising to my cheeks.

I licked my lips, shifting uncomfortably in my chair, and nodded, unsure how to respond. Thankfully, Carmen continued to talk.

"I'd like to help you," Carmen said, taking another sip of her wine. "Have you already acquired the necessary DNA?" I nodded again, and this time her smile reached her eyes. "Excellent. Then let's begin."

And that's how I managed to obtain a male version of myself.

When I got home, I nervously checked to make sure Brittany was still at work before I went into the bedroom and mentally prepared myself. I didn't want my intimate experience with Brittany to be my first time in my new form. I didn't know what to expect, and the last thing I needed was to accidentally break her nose or something because I wasn't careful. What a way to kill the fucking mood, right?

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. And then I began the change.

It wasn't the weirdest form I'd ever been in- I mean, I'd been a ladybug, for fuck's sake- but it was still weird because I was still, basically, me. All the DNA was the same, it was just a matter of differing chromosomes or whatever. So as I grew taller, and my muscles bulked up a little, and my chest flattened, and my hair shortened, it still felt familiar, somehow.

I spent the rest of the day in my male body, until Brittany got home. I practiced walking around. I did some push-ups, just because I could. I spent way too much time making muscles in the mirror. I couldn't deny that I was extremely attractive, because, let's face it- I had perfect DNA. I had a rugged beauty about my face. My eyes were the same, which I knew Brittany would appreciate- but my body was a lot more toned and chiseled. I flexed my biceps and smirked at myself in my reflection. This definitely wasn't so bad.

The size of my dick- wow, never thought I'd ever say that- was pretty average. Which was good, I guess. The last thing I wanted was to have some monster cock to deal with. That wasn't the point of this endeavor, really. I mean, sure, my pride was on the line and I definitely didn't want to have some shriveled up pathetic tiny thing, but still. All I needed was to get Brittany pregnant, and unfortunately, if I wanted to do it the authentic way, it meant there had to be a penis involved.

Speaking of which, I admit, I jacked off a couple of times. Come on, I didn't want to embarrass myself by arriving the second I got inside Brittany. She deserved a good experience, and not one with a teenage boy. I needed to at least try and build up some stamina. Because let's face it- my hand got me off way too quickly. I could only imagine what being inside Brittany would feel like. Ugh. No way was I going to last.

Peeing was a joke. I didn't know why boys had such a hard time aiming. I had no problems in that department.

A few days of practicing, and I felt pretty confident that I was ready to deliver with my body. Now all I had to do was talk to Brittany about it. And then, well. Do it.

Right.

So here I am. Sitting on a blanket in a grassy field far from the eyes of the annoying public. (Being a famous celebrity is hard sometimes, you know? Especially when your wife is one, too.) I'd packed a picnic basket for us, and Brittany said she'd meet me for lunch, so I wait, wringing my hands nervously in my lap as I run over what I want to say again.

Warm hands slide over my shoulders and down around my chest and I can't help but grin as I feel Brittany's familiar presence behind me. She presses a kiss to my cheek and nuzzles her face into my neck, and I sigh as I reach up to hold her arms, leaning back into her.

"Hi, beautiful," she whispers into my ear, and my grin grows even wider. Carefully, I swing her around and into my lap, pulling her into a gentle, deep kiss which she returns immediately.

"How was your day?" I ask when I pull back, sliding my arms around her waist to hold her.

She grins, and it makes my heart flutter, just like it always has. She's so beautiful, it hurts. "Awesome. Rehearsal went really well, and I think we're going to be ready to open on Friday," she says.

I smile in return. "That's great, Britt." She's been working on a new act for her show for the past month. She'd held auditions for performers and only selected the ones she got a certain "sense" from, whatever that meant. I figured it must've had something to do with her own special way of reading people. Or something. I mean, I'd never questioned her abilities. She always seemed to just know. But anyways, once she'd selected a handful of performers, she'd given them the transforming power via the Darrath Device and they'd been hard at work ever since. She'd come home exhausted but glowing every night for weeks, and now that the hard work was done and the show was ready to open, I had a feeling it was pretty good timing to talk about- well, that thing we never talk about.

I gather my courage.

"Britt," I say seriously, dropping my eyes to her lap, where I'm stroking my thumb over her hip nervously. She cups my chin and lifts my head, her smile playful and curious.

"What is it?" she asks knowingly, and I feel silly for trying to hide my nervousness from her. She can always tell what kind of mood I'm in. I look into her blue, blue eyes and feel my heart pounding. Now or never.

"I think we should have a baby," I blurt, then bite my lip. Smooth, Santana. Real smooth.

She's silent for a moment, her smile never faltering, and then she leans forward and kisses me softly. When she pulls back, her smile is wider and her blue eyes are sparkling, calming the nervous twisting that's started in my stomach.

"I think you're right."

"Yeah?" I ask, feeling slightly amazed at how well that went. At her nod of confirmation, I grin. That wasn't so bad. I don't know why I was so worried. I continue smiling as we dig into our lunch, eating in comfortable silence. I enjoy just being in her company for a while as I eat my sandwich, and then I catch her eyes. She's watching me with a predatory look, and it takes me a second to realize-

I still have to get her pregnant.

My nerves hit me again full force, and as I swallow the bite I've been chewing, I inwardly pray I don't fuck this up.

Ahaha, stay tuned for chapter two, which should be out soon, to read some more about Santana's troubles as a guy! ;)

And of course. Her sexy times.

Review if you feel like it! But if not, that's okay! I'll hopefully catch you the next time! :)

See you soon, pals!