Pals - The One Where Everything's Different

By Lily in a Pond

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the show 'Friends', and I don't own anything from Harry Potter.

Summary: Five years after graduating from Hogwarts, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and Draco Malfoy all meet up again in London. A truly magical version of the hit sitcom 'Friends', starring Harry as Chandler, Ron as Ross, Ginny as Monica, Hermione as Rachel, and Draco as Joey. (What? I really like his character! For both! Also, there's the cliché 'Draco is a Sex God and all that'. See the parallel?)

A/N – I got this idea to write a Harry Potter version of Friends when I was watching the pilot of Friends the other day. Hope you like it!

Anyways, this story follows the Friends storyline, which means this'll have the ships Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Luna/OC, and Draco/OC. A lot of different Draco/OC. By the way, this story's dialogue has practically nothing to do with the general jokes of Friends except for a few things. But most of the stuff in here is of my own creation, this isn't just a copy of the script with the names changed.

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Harry looked up from the Daily Prophet and tilted his head. "I've just realized something……………………..why do we all still hang out at the Leaky Cauldron when we know Madam Rosmerta opened up a new shop three doors down?

Draco sipped his Butterbeer delicately. "Because, Scarface, we also know that the Three Broomsticks allows restraining orders. And unless you want me to get kissed to death by Pansy, we'll all kindly stay here and drink our Butterbeers and read our magazines, thank you very much."

"Well, you certainly qualify, because if I'm not very much mistaken, you're looking at porn," Ginny retorted.

Draco threw his hands up. "Playwizard is a legitimate magazine!"

Luna blew a loud raspberry and everyone looked at her curiously. "I wouldn't be so certain of that, Draco. Daddy told me that the owner of Playwizard never signed a contract and instead spent his day humping doxies."

Harry choked on his coffee. "Pardon?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "I want to believe you, Luna, but……………………..oh, come on, who cares if it's illegal porn? It's PORN!"

"You know, I still don't understand why you have to keep on looking at porn. You get to shag someone every day!" Harry exclaimed, waving his arms rather dangerously in the air. "Me……………………………..well, I can't say that I'm satisfied with my dosages of estrogen."

Ginny giggled. "When did you become so funny, Harry? Back at Hogwarts, all I could remember was Harry's mad at this, Harry's mad at that, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!" She mimed vomiting on the last few 'blahs'.

"I guess it was somewhere after school that I finally accepted that Voldemort was gone forever, and that I shouldn't have really anything to fear about life," Harry mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "In short, I discovered my comical side around the same time when Draco decided to be a coward and go to the winning side."

Draco flashed them a toothy grin. "A Slytherin's natural instincts are to survive, no matter what."

"You handed in five Death Eaters in return for your squeaky clean good image!" Ginny snapped.

"Correction, I handed in Crabbe, Goyle, Pettigrew, Nott, and Baddock," Draco said. "So, technically, I only handed in two Death Eaters."

Harry snorted.

"But what I still can't believe is that right after switching sides, you and Harry became good friends," Luna said. "Even more unbelievable is that you too are rooming together!"

"Hey, I 'm not proud of it," Draco said, holding up his hands in defeat, "Seeing Potter in his birthday suit is not something you normally expect in the morning."

Ginny looked Harry up and down. "Hmm…………………………….maybe I should pop in tomorrow morning."

Harry winked at Ginny. "I'll make sure to work out a bit before."

Ginny scooted a little closer and ran her fingers up and down Harry's arm. "Yes……………maybe I should exercise too and wear my tight running pants and jogging bra."

Harry smirked devilishly. "I would really like that."

"Are they still pretending?" Luna whispered to Draco. Draco snorted quietly.

"Nah, Potter couldn't get Weaslette if he put an Engorgement Charm on himself," he scoffed.

Luna directed her gaze to Harry's trousers. "Make that an extra-strong Engorgement Charm."

"Oh, look, Ron's here!" Draco exclaimed, waving at him and interrupting the fake hitting on that Harry and Ginny were initiating. "Maybe he'll cheer us up with more stories of how his bimbo-y ex-girlfriend dumped him for another woman."

"I really can't believe that Danielle is a lesbian, I mean, with her looks, she could make a fortune in Las Vegas!" Ginny said excitedly.

"Yeah………..but did Danielle really have to get together with Lavender Brown?" Draco said, scrunching up his nose. "I mean, when a guy's two ex-girlfriends get together and become lesbians, it really says something about the guy, doesn't it?"

Luna shook her head. "Oh, come on, it wasn't Ron's fault. Danielle didn't know she was a lesbian, how could've Ron known?"

"A clue might be when you find that your girlfriend also enjoys flipping through your Playwizard," Draco sniggered. "Can't believe Ron didn't see through the whole 'Wow, she's got a nice rack, maybe I should get mine done, too' excuse."

Ron looked down at his black cloak and sighed deeply. "Hi."

"Wotcher, Ron!" Luna said cheerily. "Cookie? Muffin? Biscuit? Pasty? Cake?"

Ron shook his head. "No thanks, Luna. I feel like someone's hit me with Crucio ten times in a row and stabbed me repeatedly until I'm bleeding so profusely the ground is covered with red pools of my own worthless blood, trickling down to the pipe system, and beginning the start of my afterlife."

Harry shook his head and said, tactlessly, "That feeling's much worse than what you're feeling right now. Take it from a primary source." Ron glared at Harry. "Oh, right, sorry."

"I just can't believe that Danielle was a lesbian. A lesbian," Ron repeated over and over again. "A lesbian."

Ginny patted his shoulder. "Come on Ron, pull yourself together. Get that famous Keeping spirit back into that body! Bounce back from the Bludger! Save the goal! Win that victory for the Lions and squash those slimy snakes! Sorry, Draco," she added in an undertone. Draco grunted in reply. It was evident that he was annoyed.

Ron nodded slowly. "I suppose you're right." His face darkened after a few seconds of silence. "She was a lesbian, a lesbian, I tell you!"

"That's it," Draco growled. He stood over to Tom Jr., Tom the Toothless Bartender's son. "One Calming Drought, please." He slapped a Galleon onto the counter and stomped over to Ron.

"Someone, pinch his nose." Luna, who was closest to Ron, obliged.

Draco dumped the potion into Ron's open mouth, when he had opened it to breathe, and tilted his head back. "Swallow."

"She was a lesbian," Ron replied dreamily. "Danielle was a lesbian."

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. "This is exactly like the Parvati fiasco we went through three years ago."

"Ooh," Draco, Ginny, and Luna chorused, remembering the heartbreak their friend had gone through – and the brain-break they had gone through.

"It's not looking too good for Ron, isn't it?" Ginny commented, stirring her freshly brewed coffee. "Three huge failed relationships – one ended in a love affair, another in a decision to move to France and work in a strip club, and the last in………………well…………………….lesbianism."

The back door of the Leaky Cauldron burst in and a girl with long brown hair, dressed in a wedding gown and veil, stumbled in.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "She's hot."

"Draco! Don't you know who that is? That's Hermione Granger!" Ginny exclaimed. "Hermione!"

Hermione turned around and her eyes immediately lit up when she saw Ginny. "Ginny! I'm so glad you're here, I've been looking for you all around the city, I checked your flat and this weird guy with fake eyebrows told me you might be here, and you are! You are!"

Ginny put her arm around Hermione's shoulders. "Hey everyone, remember Hermione Granger?"

Harry, Ron, and Luna quickly exchanged hugs and greetings with Hermione, but Draco stubbornly refused to leave his seat.

Hermione stood in front of Draco and cleared her throat loudly. Draco looked up. "Oh, it's you, Granger. Yes, yes, hello, hello, goodbye, keep on moving, yes, yes, keep on moving, keep on moving away from me."

Hermione sank down into a couch and looked around at the group.

"So, are you going to tell us your story, or are we waiting for five bridesmaids escorted regally by tuxedo-wearing males?" Ginny asked, arching her eyebrows.

Hermione laughed. "Well, it all started at the wedding reception. I was in this room where they kept all the gifts, and as I was peeking through some, I realized that a history book on the study of solar fungi was more interesting than my stuffy fiancé, Ian! And that was when I realized how much Ian looks like Barney, you know the totally gay cartoon dinosaur?"

"Ahem," Ron cut in. "I happen to work in the Department of Ancient Magic and Artifacts at the Ministry of Magic, Hermione, subcategory Paleontology. For your information, dinosaurs are not gay, however much the shade of purple they are. But do you know who is gay? My ex-girlfriend! In fact, two of my ex-girlfriends have decided to become lesbians together! They're lesbians!" Ron roared, slamming his fist on the table and making the cups rattle. "Lesbians!"

"Shut up, Ron, people will think you're sexist," Harry muttered, plugging his ears. "Either that or terribly insane."

Luna turned back to Hermione. "Go on and ignore Ron, his girlfriend's a lesbian."

Hermione looked a bit shaken up. "Er – okay. Anyways, that's when I realized that there was no way I could marry Ian, even if he had the most gorgeous library in the world and owned the biggest bookstore in all of England! There was just no way. I didn't love him."

Draco raised his eyebrows and finally spoke. "So, you left him at the altar?"

Hermione nodded sadly. "I know it was a stupid thing to do, I should have at least explained before – "

" – That's great!" Draco exclaimed, clapping Hermione on the back rather painfully. "I've always dreamed of leaving someone at the altar, it'll be so cool, just toying with some girl's heart, then breaking it completely! Wow, Granger, you certainly know how to make friends with Draco Malfoy!"

Ginny and Luna stared at him in shock. "You'd do what to a girl?"

"Once a cold-blooded playboy, always a cold-blooded playboy," Harry remarked, sipping his Butterbeer.

"Lesbians! Lesbians!" Ron screamed, clutching his head.

Luna whacked him in the head. "Oh, shut up, Ronald."

OoOoOoO

"Hey, Ginny, where do you keep the Floo Powder?" Hermione asked, as the group walked into the flat Ginny had bought a few years ago.

"Fourth shelf from the right, above the fireplace," Ginny answered, conjuring up some water for everyone. "Why do you need it?"

"Well, I need to explain to all my friends and family and Ian why I ran out," Hermione said. The fire turned emerald green.

"Why do you need to explain, Granger?" Draco asked. "Haven't you ever heard the saying, 'Explaining is for pushovers'?

Hermione shook her head, but Ginny rolled her eyes. "I'd expect that's your family's motto."

"No, actually, the Malfoy family motto is, 'Malfoys are not responsible for their actions'."

Harry rasied his eyebrows. "Really? Because that's actually an interesting motto."

"No, Potter!" Draco snapped. "It's 'loot, pillage, and burn'! What do you think the Malfoys are? A field of daisies?"

"Back away from me, then," Luna said, scrunching her nose. "I'm allergic to them."

"Daddy! You have to believe me!" Hermione was saying. "I didn't love him! No, I don't care if you don't care because I care!"

Harry stared blankly at Hermione. "What?"

"She doesn't care that her father cares because she cares," Luna said loudly.

"I mean, I didn't love him, Daddy! How was I supposed to spend the rest of my life with him, just stewing away like some sort of freakish trophy wife?"

Draco nudged Harry. "The words 'stewing', 'freakish', and 'trophy wife' should not go into one sentence."

"Anyways, I don't care! It's still your loss; I'm just losing his library! And you know what, Daddy? Maybe I don't need your supervision! Maybe I don't need it! Well, maybe I don't need your roof, either! I'll just stay here with Ginny! Well, Ginny's doing fine and no, Daddy, she's not dressing like a slut anymore."

"Hey!" Ginny yelped.

Hermione took her head out of the fireplace. "I'm really sorry, Gin, but the last time I saw you, you were wearing practically nothing."

"Hey," Draco drawled, looking Ginny up and down. "I like sluts."

Ginny elbowed Draco.

"So, then I'll just stay here with Ginny, Daddy! Well, I maybe don't need your food! Or your mouthwash! Or your house! Or your money! Or – wait, wait, I still need the money!"

Hermione's head reappeared, looking quite shaken up. "Well, my dad is officially the bitchiest bastard – " she looked at Draco, and nodded decisively. " – above forty."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Would it help sooth the pain of memories if we took this into……………the bedroom?"

"Ew! No!" Hermione squealed. "You're……………Malfoy!"

"Ha ha!" Harry cackled obnoxiously. "That was the first time Draco got denied sex! Go 'Mione!"

Draco pushed Harry off Ginny's couch. "Shut it, Potter. I've still had more sex than you."

"Sadly, that's true," Ron remarked from Ginny's table. "The Boy-Who-Lived has gotten less than the Slimy Slytherin Bastard."

"I think it's the blonde hair," Luna said thoughtfully. "Combine that with that look Draco uses, you know, the smoldering sexy one? And then you've got an instant sex god."

Draco winked at Luna. "Didn't know you thought of me that way."

"I don't sleep with friends," Luna replied dryly. "So you can just lower that little bone that's pointing up right now."

They all laughed while Draco scowled darkly at them.

"So, Hermione, what are you doing tonight?" Ron asked. "Oh, hey, you know what? Want to help me move my furniture?" Harry and Draco vigorously shook their heads behind Ron's back.

"Well, originally, I was supposed to take my interplanetary cruise, starting with Jupiter, but that was part of the honeymoon, so nothing," Hermione replied. "But moving furniture sounds………." Hermione caught sight of Harry and Draco shaking their heads. "Er…………………it sounds like……..erm…………….masculine." She laughed nervously. "And you know, I'm not masculine in any sort of way."

"That's okay. Luna?" Ron asked, conjuring up some iced pumpkin juice. Ginny immediately slipped a coaster underneath the glass.

Luna made a face. "Well…………….I really really want to…………..but you know………..I've got……………plans……………….." she trailed off, averting her eyes.

"Gin?"

"Can't. I've got a date with Simon."

Draco looked up. "Wait, Simon, as in Simon, the paper guy?"

'You're going out with Simon, the paper guy? God, I love that man!" Ron exclaimed.

"What does that mean?" Luna asked. "I mean, does Simon sell paper, make paper, eat paper?"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Luna, I sincerely doubt he eats paper."

As Harry turned around, Luna scoffed quietly. "I suppose you don't know anyone who does."

Someone knocked on the door.

Harry checked his watch. "Ah, Simon the paper guy. He's right on time."

Ginny gasped. "Oh, my god! It's six already?"

"No, actually, it's nine. In China," Ron said. "Yes, it's six o' clock!"

Ginny hurried off to her room, taking care to tread on Ron's foot. She yelled over her shoulder, "Somebody get the door, nobody say anything, and act like ladies and gentlemen for a change!"

"As you wish, milady," Harry said with a grin. "Hey, Simon!"

Simon stepped in cautiously. "I thought I heard screaming in here," he mumbled apprehensively.

"Oh, that was just Ginny practicing her singing," Harry said. "She's very talented, no?"

"You know, if you marry her, you'll have to hear that every day," Ron added. "You know, unless she turns out to be a lesbian and then breaks your heart."

Simon looked confused. "Um………..okay…………….?"

Thankfully, Ginny came out at the moment, or Harry, Ron, and Draco would've scared him out.

"Wow, you look great!" Simon exclaimed.

Ginny blushed. "Oh, this? This was the closest thing I could reach!"

"Hmm………expensive robes costing roughly a hundred galleons at the front of a closet?" Draco commented in an undertone. "Surely you jest."

Ginny jabbed her elbow into Draco's face. "Ignore him. He's……………..mentally deranged."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, the girl-who-lies-about-clothing-of-all-things-to-her-date is judging?"

Ginny glared at him. "We'll be going now. Good-bye, Draco, and don't forget to take your medicine."

"Cheerio!" Harry called gaily as Ginny slammed the door behind her. "I love torturing her dates!"

"Well, stop," Luna said. "You guys torturing her dates scares most of them off and is the main reason why she's still a single and hot redhead, age twenty-two."

"Hey, she's twenty-two, not thirty-two!" Harry said. "She still has eight years to settle down. Which means eight more years of torture." Harry giggled insanely.

Hermione shook her head. "You guys are so funny now. Especially you, Harry. I mean, back at Hogwarts, you seemed to be always be filled with rage whenever someone mentioned Voldemort."

"Please don't say that name in my presence," Ron said frostily. "I still have horrible memories of him."

Hermione looked at him. "And you, Ron! You've changed so much! God, you're working in the paleontology department in the Ministry of Magic now! I always thought you were going to be a Quidditch player or something like that."

"Well, the Wimbourne Wasps did offer me a position, but I decided that working for the greater amount of money was better, since then I'll always have the money to buy what I want. Plus, it's kinda cool to see all those dinosaurs the Muggles thought were dead."

Hermione choked on her water. "They're not dead?"

Ron sighed. "Does no one wander occasionally to the fifth floor, east wing, sixth window to the left?"

They stared at him. "No."

Ron sighed again. "Come on, guys. Let's go move furniture."

Harry nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, because that's the most important thing in the world."

Draco mimed strangling himself.

"Bye Luna, 'Mione! See you tomorrow!" Ron called out.

Hermione turned back to Luna. "So…………….what do you do for a living?"

Luna smiled. "Well, by day I'm a masseuse……….but by night I sometimes play my guitar at the Leaky Cauldron, you know, just for the heck of it and to enjoy life to the fullest, and also, sometimes I help Daddy edit the Quibbler."

Hermione grinned. "Quibbler still going strong?"

"Actually, ever since Harry's interview back in my fourth year, sales have been getting steadily higher. We made a poll last year, and it turns out that more people are believing in the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks!"

"Ah. Er………that must be great for publication!"

"It is, it is," Luna smiled faintly. "So………what's your job?"

"Well," Hermione started. "I don't actually have one. I was planning to get married so I would never have to experience all the work people put into their jobs and then get rejected brutally. I was planning to just settle down, have a few kids, and then spend the rest of my life relaxing and achieving my goal to read every book written in English."

Luna nodded. "That sounds pretty good to me. But you know, in the real world, you kinda have to get a job to buy stuff."

"Oh, I know," Hermione replied. "I was thinking of maybe working in a bookstore, so I could use my employee's discount to buy books."

Then they lapsed into silence Luna smiled excitedly and said, "Hey! D'you want to pop in Ron's new flat and give him a little scare! Ooh, yeah! We could bring watermelons and cranberries and pineapple! And then we could spray whipped cream on the windows and then TP the bedroom! Oh, and then we put on scary Halloween masks and scare them, and then we'll watch Draco scream like a little girl and then see Harry accidentally hurt himself and then we'll bug Ron about his lesbian relationships!"

Hermione stared at her.

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A/N – So, did you like it? Hate it? Really, really, really, despise it to the depths of hell and back accompanied by Satan himself?

If anyone likes this idea, please tell me. That way, I can know whether or not to continue with this story.

Thanks!

-Lily in a Pond