Disclaimer: Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro belongs to Yuusei Matsuei, who I ain't. I got the idea for this fic from DailyProphetEditor, who wrote a fic in which the HP characters answered this question. I tried to vary it as much as possible, but I felt I should give credit. Go read that fic, seriously.
Rating: T, for some swearing. Sorry, but not all the characters are child-friendly...
Spoilers: Some manga-only characters appear, and manga-only elements are parodied. So, yeah, spoilers. Wrote this last year when I was only part way through it, though. So the Five Fish Fingers and the New Pirateship Arc? No spoilers for them, and quite a bit before that I suspect.
A/N: Ummmm... enjoy...? I've had this so long that I don't really know if it's funny one way or another. Please, please review. You have no idea how much I cherish reviews.
The Ultimate Mystery. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Nougami Neuro: Grabs Yako by the head. Sensei has grown resentful of me standing in for her all the time, so she would like to tell you her deductions in front of you all herself. It may take a while because she's not used to it, but Sensei doesn't care that she is imposing on you. And twist! So, why did the chicken cross the road?...Well, Sensei?
Katsuragi Yako: No, no! I don't care at all... I'll make you, umm, stay here for as long as... possible... gah. Deep breath. I... I've been trying to understand it and... I think that the chicken must have something that he wants, deep in his heart. I think that, even as he committed the crime of crossing the road without looking both ways, the chicken regretted it in his heart. But he couldn't help it.
Histerrier: You mean, he just wanted to let loose? Just couldn't hold back his inner self anymore? I knew it! We are all dogs! Humans are dogs! Chickens are dogs! Dogs are dogs! Oh, shhh, darling, shhh... the chicken's gone now...
Shinohara Norio: Filming everything. The chicken was lost, I tell you! Aside --and it doesn't matter whether he was or not, I'll make it the truth.
Hayasaka Yukinori: Looking at Histerrier's baby. You know, the chicken has a brother--
Godai Shinobu: It's name is SHUT THE HELL UP!
Neuro: Slave. Don't say anything unless it's useful. Smiles creepily. Meaning, don't say anything at all...
Godai: Goddammit, freak! It was probably trying to get away from you!
Kaitou X: Or... the KFC box.
Masakage Shirota: Ah, KFC... Worthy opponents, but they are nothing compared to my Ultimate Dish, which will cause chicken hunters to become supremely powerful. No wonder the chicken has fled. I have enabled his worst enemies to wipe him out for good!
Katsuragi Haruka: Oh, do you cook? That's wonderful! It's been such a long time since I've cooked... I was thinking of starting up ag--
Yako: No! No, Mum, I'll do the cooking!!! I'll do it forever!
Horiguchi Akira: Chickens... in a box... X, will you allow me to become your assistant? We can put so many chickens in boxes. Would that make you happy? That chicken will wish he had never crossed the road that day. Clearly he was looking for his 'lost' animal friends. Fufufufu...
Aya Ajia: I can feel it from here... that all-encompassing darkness. That chicken is lonely. He came to all of my concerts; my music resonated deeply within him. We share that loneliness. Perhaps he thought he'd find love and understanding on the other side... or maybe, he was hoping that a car... Casts eyes down sadly. I shall write a song for this chicken.
Mochizuki Tateo: We'll help you with the information gathering, investigators. We've heard of similar instances with chickens and have already implanted tracking devices in the legs of every chicken in Japan.
Hayasaka Hisanori: And shot a few of them...
Mochizuki: What was that?
Hisanori: Smiling. Nothing, Sir. I was merely suggesting that the chicken may have been under the influence of some kind of drug at the time. When this chicken comes within an inch of a road our stand-by teams will immediately move out to catch him, and I can instruct them to check if you'd like.
Usui Naohiro: At Mochizuki's nod. This is ridiculous! It's an isolated incident, nothing more than a silly attention-seeking stunt by an illiterate chicken. It's certainly not to be investigated by outsiders with dodgy backgrounds like yours! Soon I will find out who you really are, but I am telling you now with absolute conviction: not a single chicken will cross the road again!
A beeping sounds from Hisanori's pocket and he takes out his Chicken Tracer (TM).
Hisanori: The proximity feature's just gone off. The same chicken has just crossed the road right outside this building!
Aya: Singing. ...'Cause I haven't had an egg since Ea-sterr, and now. It's. Half. Past. Three! So! chick-chick-chick-chick-chicken...
David Rice: Clapping in a ridiculously over-exaggerated manner. Wo-ow!!! That's amazing!!! Just an example of the typical Japanese woman, huh??? I'm sure the chicken was so impressed he went to get tickets to see your next show!!! (...In America.)
Sasazuka Eishi: To Usui. If you get out there quickly enough you can take the credit for the arrest. The chicken can't go far.
Usui: Don't be ridiculous, Eishi! Don't insult me like that, you hear me?! I was always smarter than you! And I'll prove it to you. We don't need to take the bastard in for questioning because I already know why he did it!
Neuro: Sensei thinks that we should go and examine the scene of the crime now. She has already drawn her own conclusions about the chicken's motives this time while looking out of the window, but she thinks it'll be easier to explain them if we're down there and you can see the evidence for yourselves.
Yako: Uh... yes, I think--
Usui: I'm telling you it doesn't matter because I know why he did it. And like I'd allow you on a crime scene, you incompetents! No. I've solved this mystery. The chicken is tired of life, is out of work and feeling sorry for himself... so, one day, he cannot take it anymore. He starts to cross roads, hoping that a car will come by at any moment and end his miserable existence!
Sasazuka: ... Sighing. I'll go get the car then, boss.
Yako: Still recovering from one of Neuro's 'reminders'. Ah, let's just go downstairs, shall we? We can ask the chicken ourselves.
Neuro: Seeing that no one is moving. Sensei says that everyone who comes downstairs now gets to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with her.
Yako: GAH!!
Ishigaki Jun: Grumbling but trooping down the stairs anyway. I know why the chicken is out of work... he just resigned from the Police Force 'cause Usui's such a jerk! And then he was walking away back home or something. Looks at watch. Just in time to see Gundam, too! Ahw, why do I have to be here when it's on?
They arrive outside to see Sasazuka driving by at an incredible speed.
Ishigaki: Hey, Sir! I just figured out everything! Hears a large crunching sound as the car comes to a sudden halt, and stops talking to look at the road surface.
Sasazuka: Steps out to observe what was crushed under his tires. Huh.
Ishigaki: NOOO! That's my Gundam Elite Deluxe Super Special Awesome Rare Mecha Robot Guy!
Sasazuka: Shrugging. I thought it was the chicken.
Ishigaki: You bastard! That model was in a box in the glove compartment!
Neuro: Throwing Yako to the other side of the road. Attention! Sensei will now solve the mystery!
Usui: Glaring. Che... Fine. I will have no part in this. If you solve it then you get the credit... but if you don't figure out why the chicken crossed that road by the end of today then you will have me to answer to for all your shifty 'success' of late.
Higuchi Yuuya: Typing away, typing away... If it's any help, Katsuragi, then he wasn't being controlled by the Electronic Bug.
Yako: Thanks, Higuchi!
Neuro: Sensei already knows that. With her infallibility she has determined every single detail of this case.
Yako: Points to a chicken sitting innocuously on the other side of the road. The culprit... is you!
All: ...
Neuro: Well done, Sensei! That must have been very difficult to determine! Slams Yako's face down on the ground then bends down to help her up. Oh, Sensei! You must be so happy about this to fall over like that! Whispering. Now go and do a reconstruction of the event, bitch.
Yako: A... reconstruction?
Neuro: Yes, that's exactly what Sensei is going to do now, to show everyone how exactly the chicken crossed the road. Throws her back across, where she hits Sasazuka's car with a loud bang. Now, while everyone is distracted... Makai Nanahyakunanajuunana: Evil Crosser.
Yako: Starting to feel very strange. Well, first I stood on this side of the pavement...
All: ...
Washio Masakatsu: Points a gun at Yako. This is stupid -- who cares about the goddamn chicken?! Killing it will solve everything, and once again all the birds in the nest will be under my control!
Neuro: Sneers and destroys gun in fiendishly evil way. Quiet, chick. Your twittering is getting on my nerves. And this mystery is on the tip of my tongue... Drooling into a giant, but strangely inconspicuous, bucket. The ULTIMATE MYSTERY.
Yako bends down and starts pecking at Ishigaki's destroyed Gundam Robot before continuing on across the road.
Ishigaki: Why? WHHHYYY?
Neuro: What did the chicken feel just then, Sensei?
Yako: Realising that she has started clucking. The chicken wants to go home now.
Neuro: Bland expression. Excellent, Sensei! You're really getting into the chicken's mindset here. They don't call you the world's greatest detective for nothing!
Yako: Finishes her quick strut across the road. The chicken is also really, really hungry, and is wondering if anyone else is.
Kagohara Kanae: Yako, are you alright? I think this chicken business is distracting you a bit... I don't know why he crossed the road, but surely this can wait till tomorrow? After our tests?
Neuro: Oh, Sensei is fine! She's just having trouble detaching herself from the case.
Random Yako Fan: That's my chicken! I mean, uh... girl?
Yako: Quietly, but still clucking occasionally. Neuro... Hurry up...
Neuro: Smiling. The effect will probably wear off in five minutes' time, unless it doesn't in which case you'll die a very painful death. Until then... it's on the tip of my tongue...
Yako: Cluck...?!
Neuro: On the tip... on the tip... on the tip of my...
Godai: Watching Neuro pace back and forwards. So what the fuck's wrong with him, then?
Yako: Annoyed. ...The chicken's got his tongue?
THE END.