For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know
We're not what we've seen.
He hated how things were between them now. It was hard, and not only on her. She had known he was lying when he left, when he told her he didn't love her, that he had never loved her. But she had let him walk away.
He had thought, at the beginning, when they were both alone again, that the fact she had let him go must have meant something. That she knew they weren't right, deep inside. That she didn't really love him either, as he'd tried to convince himself so many times.
Now he realized she was probably too paralyzed with fear and heartbreak to move.
And he remembered her calling out, begging him to come back as she hugged herself, standing alone in the middle of her lounge, wearing one of his sweaters (much to big on her) and her pyjama shorts, her face wet with tears, her makeup smudged and running, her hair a mousy brown that was all he'd seen since.
He didn't understand how he'd hurt her so badly. All he'd been trying to do was protect her. After all the things he'd seen Greyback do to people, all the things he knew he'd tried and failed to do every full moon... he couldn't risk those things happening to her. What if he bit her? She would still love him, no matter what. But he couldn't live with that guilt hanging over him, seeing her with fresh scars, like those he saw on himself after every transformation.
It would break him to see her like that, smiling at him, and trying to fix his wounds, like she always did.
And breaking up with her was the easiest way to protect her. It was the best thing for her.
Only now he wasn't so sure.
She was sitting across the table from him at the burrow, eyes averting not only his but every one elses as well. Bill kept giving her worried looks, as did Molly, who alternated these with death glares at him. But he was worried too. She was so, so much smaller now. Her clothes hung off her frame, and she hardly ate. How she found the energy for her work was beyond him.
Everyone began to file through to the sitting room, waiting for Dumbledore so the meeting could begin. She lingered, swirling the last dregs of her coffee, and when he and Molly were the only two in the room, she heaved herself to her feet. Looking slightly dazed, she rubbed her eyes, stifling a yawn.
"Tonks dear, are you-"
"I'm fine, Molly." She answered tiredly. "Fine." She repeated firmly, as if this would change everyone's minds. It was only too obvious that she was not fine at all.
She took a determined step forward, only to trip over the untied laces of one of her boots. Remus caught her just before she hit the floor.
"You don't look okay." He told her, sitting her back down. She glared at him.
"Tonks dear, why don't you get some sleep, you can take one of the boys beds upstairs..." Molly stopped as Tonks adamantly shook her head.
"I'm fine." She said through clenched teeth.
"You're not." Remus said firmly. He knew that this was all his fault. He wouldn't let her keep going like this. She was going to end up falling asleep or fainting, or worse, during something more important than an order meeting if she kept this up. She could get herself killed.
"I'm taking you home. You need to sleep."
She glared at him once more, the dark bags under her eyes prominent in her small face. Then, with a resigned sigh, she stood. "Fine."
With one arm around her for support, he lead her out, and apparated them both to her small flat. He almost had to drag her inside, she was so tired that she could hardly walk.
She collapsed on the sofa, and he didn't have the heart to make her get up and get into bed. Gently, he untied her other boot, and pulled them off her feet. She yawned and curled into a small ball. Unbuttoning his cloak, he wrapped it around her before sitting next to her. She rested her head on his lap and closed her eyes.
"Thank you." She murmured.
He pushed a stray lock of brown hair from her face.
"Promise me you wont do this anymore. Promise you'll get better."
She nodded absently, before adding "Only if you promise to stop being such an idiot." There was a pause. "I know you were lying."
He looked away. This wasn't the time to discuss it.
"I know. And I'm so, so sorry. But now, sleep. Please."
She sighed angrily, but didn't object.
But he knew he was in for it when she woke up.