A/N: Warning, rated M for coarse language. And, yes, some offensive content, but if we really thought that way, do you think we would be writing about our favorite fictional gay couple? Enjoy.

-This is a collab between a friend of mine, DoctorTheTwitch, and I. As she recently got an account and has yet to be allowed to post, CoHS has a temporary home on my account. Sometime in the future this copy will be taken down and then reposted on her account, as it is mainly her ideas at work here.-

Chapter One: Totally Getting Laid Tonight

The locker room was filled with a thick haze of steam from the hot water running from the various shower heads around the room. Alec Lightwood swiped away a patch of fog forming on the mirror in front of him, his hand leaving uneven streaks on the glass. Lifting his razor, Alec paused for a moment to admire his reflection. Hot damn. If I were a chick I would totally do me. Good thing I don't have to; I've already got my piece of ass. Aw yeah. Someone is totally getting laid tonight. Nodding at his reflection in approval, Alec quickly shaved and towelled his hair the rest of the way dry. Winking at the glass by way of goodbye, Alec headed out of the showers to change the rest of the way into his normal clothes, dropping the towel on the tiled floor on the way. Someone else could pick it up. Then that person would be like his bitch. Like his towel bitch.

Being quarterback for Westwood High was hard sometimes, but totally worth it. Who else had such an awesome physique, not to mention the near non-stop pussy parade. Not that Alec would ever cheat on Clary. No, they'd been going steady since sophomore year. They weren't splitting up anytime soon...no matter how many girls Alec slept with on the side. Clary understood, surely. It wasn't as if she was completely true to Alec all the time. But that was beside the point. The point was that being Alec Lightwood was pretty fucking awesome.

The best thing about his social standing, aside from being sex on legs and his unlimited supply the hottest women this side of Florida, was the power that came with the coveted position of head jock. He could sway the student council with a word and get every virgin pansy wimp in the theater department trashed with a nod of his head. There was no doubt that he was king of the school. Yep, life was perfect.

Alec was interrupted from his thoughts of how glorious his life was by his buddy Simon. He and Simon had been bros for, like, ever, and were as close as two dudes could be. No homo. Cause that would be just... gay.

"Hey, Alec, bro..." Simon came up from behind Alec and clapped his buddy on the back, grinning. It seemed Simon was always smiling around him. It was like Simon was eternally happy or some shit. It kind of made him wonder why Simon couldn't seem to keep a steady girlfriend; he seemed like the type all the ladies would pounce on; well, they did but it never seemed to be in the naked-in-bed way. He was always with the cheerleaders and other girls, and he had yet to officially fuck a single one of them. Or at least, announce that he did.

Alec was secretly jealous of his best friend's ability to be such a fucking ray of sunshine. But what the hell was Alec thinking? He wasn't jealous of anybody. And why would he care if Simon wasn't as stellar as he was with the chicks? More pussy for him. "You left your Old Spice in the shower, man."

Alec gave Simon a playful shove. "Alright, alright, just let me get my boxers on."

"Do you really need to do that?" Simon blurted, eyes on what Alec assumed was his abs. Dude, really, we both know you have the better abs so stuff it. I can still outlift you any day.

"What, you like the view gaylord?" Alec smirked maliciously. If there was anything more fun than poking holes in his friends sunny mood, he had yet to find it.

"Fuck no! Put your pants on, homo!" Simon scoffed loudly, shoving Alec away in disgust.

Alec kicked his pants away, posing nude for the whole locker room to see. Another perk to being popular: you can do whatever you want without having to worry about the social repercussions. "Don't deny it, Lewis. You want a piece of this fine ass."

Simon immediately flushed and looked away. "God, what the fuck do all the girls in this school see in you?"

"Exactly what you're seeing." Alec, still as naked as the day he was born, strode back to the showers. "I've outed several guys thanks to the love letters they've sent to my abs, bitch."

He located his usual shower- the biggest one with the badass pump that made the hot water come out extra hard - and pulled the curtain back. Just as Simon said, there was his shampoo and body wash. Yeah, he used body wash. How else would he stay fresh for the ladies?

Bending to pick up the bottles, Alec didn't even care that his ass was hanging out in the air for a few seconds. Like anyone would actually try anything, he smirked to himself. Not only would whoever it was be on the ground in seconds flat, they'd lose their ability to father their gay babies in half that time.

It was while he was thinking of possible ways to beat any of potential rapists a certain glimmer caught his eye. Standing upright, he turned the direction of the flicker: the mirror. At first he didn't see anything past his blinding sex appeal, but then he caught onto something odd. The entirety of the reflection seemed somewhat... translucent. As if it were composed of a fine mist, one he could step through at a whim. What the fuck? Glancing back out the curtained shower opening (to see Simon hovering just around the locker room corner, presumably waiting for him to finish) he considered investigating. The glass probably hasn't completely unfogged yet. That's all. And yet he couldn't kill his normally dead curiosity.

He pulled the curtain shut and then reached forward as if to rub the dew off, only to be caught hold of by an invisible force. What the- but before he could do so much as blink, the shower was torn out from under his feet and all the world was black.

Lips burned a hot trail down Alec's throat, sending an electric thrill through him. Instead of cold tile, his bare back was pressed against the soft plush of curtains separating him from what he guessed to be a wall. Clearly product-volumized hair worthy of any of the cheer squad girls tickled under his chin and scratched against his collarbone. Clary's favorite perfume, Toxic Bliss by Adam Lambert, hung heavy in the air and "Tall Boy" by Har Mar Superstar pulsed in the background.

Fuck, I must have slipped and hit my head in the shower. Alec thought, a black-out being the only reasonable explanation for the sudden change of scenery. As black-outs went, a dream of making out with his hot-ass girlfriend was definitely not the worst. With a concussion, he probably wouldn't be getting any real-life pussy anytime soon so he might as well get off on imaginary sexy times.

Alec was about to comment on how much Clary had improved on her lipwork when suddenly he was cut off when said lips collided with his, prying his mouth open as to deepen the kiss. With a pleased moan, he dug his heels into the kiss, planning to, at any moment, launch off the wall with the aim of pinning her against the bed; hopefully coma-bed was in the same place real-bed was. He pulled away, sighing, "You want to take this up a notch?"

His girlfriend, who had buried her face in the nape of his neck again, nodded. With a predatory grin he commenced his earlier plans and hurled the two of them blindly forward, expecting to be caught in the pink frills and lace of Clary's comforter. Unfortunately, coma bed had decided to relocate itself, and instead of his signature pin-and-fuck he pulled off a scream-and-thud, he and Clary coming into a rather uncomfortable meeting with the floor.

An annoyed harumph came from beneath him, and as it was too dark to really make out facial expressions Alec simply rolled with it. I shall drown her pissyness with my sexiness. "It's all good baby..." He purred, his hands running under her shirt and searching for a bra. God. Clary has really worked her ass out in this coma. Damn, girl. Since when did you get abs to rival mine?

Nevertheless he dived back down for another kiss, one gladly received as his hands progressed up her front. And up... and up... and up... until he found her collar bone. Wait. What the fuck happened to her tits? Alec pulled his hands back down, this time paying closer attention to exactly what he was fondling. Clary's boobs weren't huge, but they were easy enough to find when he needed them. He then discovered two things: first, there was no bra present in this situation of which he would have been more than fine with if not for the second fact.

There were no. Fucking. Tits. Where's the fucking tits?

Alec ripped away from the kiss, hands and all.

"Something the matter, Hunbun?" A deep, rich voice mused from beneath him. There was a snap, and the dim light of a lamp flickered on in the corner. It was enough light for Alec to decipher the finer details of who he had been previously locking lips with. Hair was black and not red like his girlfriend's, and there was so much glitter he might as well been fucking a pixie. And the eyes... his stomach did a backflip as he stared down at what he sword were cat eyes set against the sharp planes of tanned cheekbones. Lastly:

It was a fucking man Alec was pinning to the ground.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck on fuck. Alec scrambled up faster than he thought humanly possible, crab-walking back in an attempt to distance himself from this guy as much as possible. When he reached a wall, Alec didn't take his eyes of the creep, instead reaching behind him to claw his way up the wall. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK?"

"Alec?" The guy sat up, and to his gal, looked utterly baffled as to why Alec was reacting so negatively. "Are you okay, dear? Oh Angel, don't tell me you drank another one of the fairy band's drinks, did you? I thought we agreed after the last time-"

"Fuck no we didn't! We didn't do anything! You know why?" Alec sucked in a deep breath, inching his way across the wall as to got closer to the now visible doorway. "I don't associate myself with faggots. And you are the faggotiest faggot who ever faggoted!"

There was a pause as this man- can he even be called a dude, he's wearing an awful lot of makeup -scanned over Alec with a calculating stare. Finally, he sighed. "I see. You smoked the twigweed again."

"No, I didn't fucking smoke anything, I blacked out and woke up to groping a dude, that's what happened!" It was then he made a break for the open door. Oh sweet freedom wash all this gay off me before it becomes permanent.

But with another snap, the entrance slammed shut. "Oh no you don't. There's no way in hell I'm letting you stumble around town as high as a kite. Sit your ass down in bed and get to sleep."

"If you think I'm gonna sleep in some fag's bed, you've got it all wrong. I would rather rip off my own-" Suddenly, Alec couldn't hear his own voice anymore. His hand shot to his throat as he tried to croak out even a syllable and failed.

"That's just about enough of that," was the last thing Alec heard before everything went black.

End of Chapter Note: Reviews are appreciated and ensure a quick update. What kind of situation will our little douchebag find himself in now? That's for us to know and you to find out.