Summary- My take on the classic sex education fic.
Bananas and Babies: Tales from Sex Ed.
Chapter 1
…
Minerva McGonagall pursed her lips as she handed out prophylactics to a classroom full of red-faced seventh years. If she had to name the one thing that she hated most in this world, it would have to be teaching this course. Minerva sighed; she had had several lucky years, but, alas, this time around she had, quite literally, drawn the short straw. She finished her rounds about the classroom as a few of the students in the back issued some poorly suppressed giggles. With difficulty, she controlled a strong urge to roll her eyes and made her way to the desk at the front of the room. She picked up the curved yellow fruit that she had left there and began her day's lecture.
"This is a banana," she said, holding it up for the entire health class to see, ignoring the few students brazen enough to continue their laughter, "Aside from being a wonderful source of potassium, it is also bears a fair resemblance to the male genitalia, and thus suits our purposes for today. Now, I trust that you all have a basic idea of what a condom is?" the entire class nodded and a fair few looked as if they would happily drop dead on the spot, "Excellent. Today we will be learning how to, ah, use them properly- Miss Patil, Miss Brown, do you perhaps have something that you would like to share with the rest of the class?" she finally snapped, as the chatter of the two girls in the back had finally become too much to stand, "No? Wonderful. Now, as I was saying, I will demonstrate before you make your own attempts. I would appreciate your full attention, Mr. Malfoy. Now, you simply place the condom atop the head of the penis," she inwardly sighed at the fresh outbreak of giggles, "Making sure that the flat side is facing down, and then slowly roll it down," she appraised the class as they made their own attempts, noting, "Try not to stretch it too much. I know that the package says 'unbreakable', but too much stretching does tend to make it a bit looser near the base."
She began her prepared lecture on condoms as the students continued to struggle with theirs, "It is advised that one always wears a condom while participating in sexual intercourse. While there are extremely effective treatments for STDs in the wizarding world, there are no known spells to prevent their transmission universally. Additionally, in the- ah- heat of the moment, it is often difficult to tell whether or not contraceptive charms have been properly cast. Thus, this physical barrier provides extra protection against unwanted pregnancy."
She looked up from her notes to take stock of the progress around the room. Most students had finished their practical assignment, save for a small group of students that included an embarrassed, red and furiously sweating Neville Longbottom. Almost all of those who had finished were looking up at her absentmindedly, with a glazed look in their eyes; the only exception to this was Hermione Granger, who was furiously scribbling down every word she said. McGonagall smiled fondly at the girl; even in a class often referred to as 'seventh year study hall' she took every word to heart.
"Is everyone finished? Good, now we'll move on to the next topic, contraceptive charms… obturatiograviditateis one of the most common unisex contraceptive spells…"
…
After a long lecture covering most aspects of sex and sexuality (there was an entire three-hour time block reserved in every Seventh Year's schedule for the class) everyone in the room was itching to leave, even McGonagall herself. However she forced the entire class to stay in their seats for a few moments more while she impressed upon them the importance of attending the next week's class, during which they would begin the project that they would dedicate the rest of the semester to. Afterwards, all the students left (even Hermionie, who looked as if she would like to begin talking about the project immediately, left, albeit at the insistence of her friends) leaving McGonagall to fall, mentally exhausted, into her chair. She was beyond grateful that she wouldn't have to do anything aside from grading in this class for the rest of the year.