I wanted to try something a little different so here is a (hopefully) humorous two part piece smuff (1st part is 'T' rated, second part will be 'M' rated). SallyJetson beta'd and encouraged….much, much :wub: as always.

Let me know what you think!

Sid's Joke – Part One

'So let me get this right', Danny gave his audience a disgusted look, 'in order to convince Lindsay that I'm serious I have to buy her flowers and chocolates, AND', he held his hand up giving Flack a fierce look to stop him interrupting, 'they need to be expensive flowers and chocolates. That's what you're saying, right?'

'Nothing tells a woman that you're serious more than a huge bouquet of red roses and an expensive box of Godiva chocolates' Flack was nodding his head, his manner redolent of a wise old sage.

Danny stared at him in disbelief for a moment before turning to Hawkes; 'but according to you I have to recite a poem to her'

'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.'

Silence greeted the conclusion of Hawkes recitation.

'You know it by heart?' Flack gaped at Hawkes, who smiled smugly;

'I find it impresses a certain type of lady.'

Flack and Mac both looked interested in this pronouncement but before they could pursue the matter any further an outraged grunt from Danny bought all eyes back to him;

'You expect me to say all that to Lindsay….all that stuff about 'be an ideal grace?'

''For the ends of being and ideal Grace', you see, what Elizabeth Barret Browning was saying with this poem……'

'For the love of all that's holy'

Hawkes explanation came to an abrupt halt at Danny's anguished cry. Danny sent him a malevolent stare as he massaged his temples in an attempt to relieve the headache that was forming, before turning to Mac

'According to you, I have to cook a gourmet meal and serve it with fine wine' the inflexion in his voice turned his statement into a question, his face showing the frustration he was feeling.

'In my experience women love it when a man cooks for them' Mac was grinning, clearly enjoying the aggrieved expression on Danny's face.

Danny scowled and turned to Sid; 'and I suppose you have some advice as well don' cha?'

Sid rocked back on his heel tipping his head to stare at the ceiling for a moment before lowering it again and peering wisely at Danny over his half moon glasses;

'Have you ever heard the joke about how a man impresses a woman?'

Flack snorted as he saw the outrage on Danny's face as he realised that Sid proposed to tell a joke about the thing closest to Danny's heart, and earned himself a hard look from a pair of seriously pissed off blue eyes.

Sid paid no attention and simply continued without waiting to hear whether Danny knew the joke or not;

'A man impresses a woman by wooing her, telling her she is beautiful, buying her flowers and chocolates, wining and dining her………..'

'Yeah, that's why I said you should buy her………..'

'I told you, a love poem……………'

'A gourmet meal………………..'

Flack, Hawkes and Mac all started to talk at the same time as they tried to justify their advice to Danny, who put his head in his hands;

'SHUT UP! Just shut the fuck up' he looked at Sid, 'and you think that's a joke? I'll tell you what's a joke; this so called 'advice' from my so called 'friends'; I'll take my chances thanks'

Sid, Mac, Hawkes and Flack all watched as Danny stalked off down the corridor

'He didn't let me finish my joke' Sid's mild words bought everyone's attention back to him.

'Don't take it personally' Flack was trying hard not to laugh, 'he's a man in love who's finally managed to get the woman of his dreams to have dinner at his place tonight and made the foolish mistake of asking for advice..' he struck a dramatic pose, causing Hawkes and Mac to snigger, as he continued, '…on how best to reveal his true feelings to her.'

Sid peered at him; 'I thought Lindsay had been invited to watch football?'

'That's what she thinks……Messer's determined that he's going to persuade her that she should give him a chance' the look of gleeful amusement on Flack's face showed just how much he was enjoying his friends predicament.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

'You really think I should do this?' Lindsay sounded every bit as doubtful as she was feeling.

'I've never known it to fail' Stella sounded confident as she handed Lindsay the items they had just bought.

'He's asked me round to eat pizza, drink beer and watch football as 'friends'……..you don't think he'll be…….I don't know, a bit surprised if I turn up in this' Lindsay's waved the package at Stella.

Stella sighed as she looked at Lindsay; 'Do you or do you not want the pair of you to be more than 'friends'?'

The doubtful look was still firmly attached to Lindsay's face but she nodded slowly.

'OK, well, you can try and talk to him and tell him how you feel, or you can try and get him to tell you that he wants to be more than friends, but frankly that's just hard work. This approach cuts through all of that crap and gets you to where you want to be, doesn't it?' Stella spoke as if she was presenting an irrefutable scientific fact.

'I suppose so, but……..'

'Look, have a couple of drinks before you go over. I'll drive you and I'll wait for 10 minutes or so. If it all goes horribly wrong just come out and I'll drive you home and pour large quantities of alcohol down you until you forget what a fool you made of yourself'

Stella saw the look of horror on Lindsay's face and sighed; 'Look, do you want him to know that you want to be more than friends?'

'Yes, but……….' Lindsay stopped at Stella's raised eyebrow.

'Oh what the hell……….but if this doesn't work you realise I'll have to put in for a transfer?'

Stella grinned at her; 'It'll work, I absolutely guarantee it will work.'

Lindsay shook her head, hardly able to believe what she was about to do to prove to Danny Messer that she wanted to be more than friends, as Stella continued,

'Did you hear Sid's joke about how men and women impress each other?'

Lindsay glared at her in disbelief; 'Please tell me that this cockeyed idea of your's isn't based on one of Hammerback's jokes'

A/N 2 – OK, if you are interested in knowing what happens just remember part 2 will be 'M' rated!