Dreams of the Disturbed
"That's the rule"
A bizarre fiction inspired by a need for jokes. ISLAGIATT.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto… I'm not entirely sure that I wish I did either.
Aidis: This story actually got to me 22 days ago… it was lost in my email until now. Enjoy.
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"Oh give it a rest! Not every team has a romance within itself!" The blonde's fervent denial drew an incredulous look from Yamanaka Ino, presently sitting in Shikamaru's lap.
"Um, actually Naruto, they all do." Was her simple rebuttal as she pointed out the fervently necking Hinata and Shino, their third teammate and his animal companion crying softly. Her gaze swept the room to where Uzuki Yuugao stood over a portrait of her dead lover and former teammate. The deceased spirits of Tayuya and Jiroubou stood about, decidedly not looking at each other in spite of their matching promissory rings.
Naruto wished to tear his gaze away as he looked at Jiraiya and Tsunade working on getting piss-drunk together. Again. Neji was pointedly ignoring Tenten while she let Lee taste sake without having to drink it, and Naruto managed to look away from the frightening image as well. (1)
"I still don't believe it, what about the people with no teams?" Ino gave him a 'your joking' look and pointed in two different directions at once to indicate Mitarashi Anko, lazing about twirling a kunai, and Maito Gai, who was being… well… Gai. "What about Orochimaru?"
"Geeze you're thick aren't you? Everyone knows snake-freak has been getting it on with that glasses-boy since he was a kid." Ino responded. Before Naruto could say anything, Sasuke interrupted.
"Actually that's not true. Yes they are madly in love, but it's platonic. Orochimaru gets off by sticking his thing in electrical sockets, he's a potens-philiac (2). Kabuto… Let's just say that you don't have a clue about him, but I guarantee he doesn't get it on with guys." Naruto gave the raven-haired boy a strange look and Sasuke glared back defensively. "What? You notice that kind of thing after a while."
The blond shuddered violently at the imagery but shook it off. "Please tell me its not always true?" His tone became accusing as he looked to Kisame and Itachi.
The shark-face spoke first. " Errr… we're really not teammates so much as… Partners. I guess." Itachi would have smacked his forehead if that wouldn't have been too emotional of a display.
"What Kisame means is that he likes fish more than humans, and I completely lack the capacity to procreate, (aidis-1) thanks to a lucky chidori." Naruto glanced at Sasuke.
"You vaporized his bits and tackle with an assassination jutsu?" Sasuke gave a shrug and looked away. "No wonder you don't bother hunting him anymore, not the man he once was!" Three punches landed on his head simultaneously and the blond was rendered blissfully unconscious, spared having to think of the implications when Orochimaru, Sasuke, and Itachi smashed his head in.
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When the blond woke again, he realized that he had run through every team he knew of. He groaned in agony and slammed his face into a desk again. "Why does fate hate me so much?" he asked no one in particular. Sasuke glared at him.
"How do you think I feel? Ever since Lee learned that mind-control jutsu Sakura's been all over him. That leaves you and me and frankly, I've always hated your guts."
Ino slapped the table and glared at the Uchiha coldly. "Well its too fuckin' bad, cuz that's the law! Now shut up and make out!" She backed away to a video camera and prepared to tape it to sell to rabid fangirls at a tremendous profit. Sasuke winced and started to close in on an increasingly panic-stricken Naruto.
Suddenly Naruto cried out "WAIT!! Kyuubi no Kitsune is sealed in my stomach, but it's a really hot chick sometimes and she's taken care of me my whole life! I love her more than anything in the world, and she's sort of in our team as well since she's trapped in me!"
Kakashi paused thoughtfully, Kurenai sitting in his lap as both read Icha Icha Paradise, and scratched the back of his head slowly. "Well… I guess that counts… Wow, it's lucky this is all a dream or we'd all be seriously fucked up eh?"
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End, Dreams of the Disturbed "That's the rule"
1: That's right, Rock Lee's harem starts with Tenten!
2: I don't think potens-philiac is the proper term, but it makes sense. Potens from the latin for power, and philiac from the latin to love (implying physically).
Aidis-1: Let alone enjoy it.
Author Note: This is… awkward. But fun to write. I think. Like I said, ISLAGIATT.
Aidis: fun to read too.
Islagatt: well that is the most important thing, quineg?