MS MARVEL
BLACK CANARY
BLACK CAT
BLACK WIDOW
BAT GIRL
CATWOMAN
CALLISTO
ELEKTRA
HAWKEYE
ISIS
PSYLOCKE
COPYCAT
CRIMSON AVENGER
LARA CROFT
GYPSY
MAGMA
RESCUE (PEPPER POTTS)
PYGMY
In all honesty, Kakashi's biggest clue was the loaf of bread completely disappearing and the crumbs appearing by his window sill and around the leaves of his 'pet' plant. Despite being a jounin and having little to no childhood for that matter, having being occupied in a fighting a war and helping save his village, Kakashi was pretty sure that a stomach of a four year old would not have been able to digest a good eight feet long of bread product.
In two days.
And it really wasn't because Kakashi was being a cheapskate and that he minded buying loaves of bread every day or something; a Jounin needed his calories too, of course. And whole wheat was good for you that way.
But the bread just kept disappearing.
All. of. it.
Every single time he would look down at a pair of the widest brown eyes in the world, cheeks still puffy and round with baby fat and flushed, lower lip caught between milk teeth and wrinkles lining a small chin, Kakashi would sigh at the intimidated face and crouch down to be at eye-level and ask, "Did you eat all the bread, Iruka?"
Iruka shook his head.
"The bread is gone. Do you want more bread?"
Iruka nodded his head.
"You really like bread that much?"
Iruka shook his head a little vigorously.
"But you still think I should get more bread."
There was a pause then Iruka nodded very, very slowly.
Kakashi did not and will never understand toddlers. He could have just not bought the bread, hypothetically. But Iruka had looked down right pathetic in his three feet glory and tiny hands tugging at the side of Kakashi's pant-leg when they had gone to the supermarket that afternoon (the boy needed to get out), while pointing at the bread section.
That was yesterday.
In conclusion to the whole bread incident, Kakashi was pretty sure that Iruka was hellbent in giving him cardiac arrest by feeding all of the bread they had bought the previous day to the sparrows who had dedicatedly perched on his bedroom windowsill. Iruka had been hanging around the edge, breaking crumbs off a piece of sliced bread and trying to shove it towards the hopping sparrows when the boy lost his balance and quite simply tipped over the edge. Had it not been for Kakashi's prowess, quick thinking and speed, there would have been a pancaked mush of a shrunken academy teacher crime scene at the bottom of his apartment complex.
Kakashi didn't want to think how he was going to explain that he accidentally assisted in the homicide of Konoha's most prized academy teacher to the Hokage and heaven forbid, Naruto.
Obviously the fall had given the poor boy quite the scare because the tears - and may whatever deity up there grant Kakashi some patience - just would not stop. It wasn't like Iruka was howling or screeching or anything like that, but every single time in the span of two minutes when Kakashi tried to offer the boy some form of comfort (patting his head awkwardly, telling him to stop crying, reminding him that ninjas don't cry, telling him that it was stupid to hang from a window when he had no chakra training to begin with and telling him that the sparrows don't need bread when they're full, while also mention that he had to be a soldier and that he, Kakashi, didn't cry when he was his age), Iruka just kept crying even more, big blobs of heartbreakingly crystal tears rolling down flushed cheeks, quivering mouth that was - in all honesty - desperately trying to swallow the whimpers that seemed to come from his stomach and lungs from genuine fear.
The boy wouldn't quit.
And when nothing Kakashi did or said could make him stop with the crying already, he pulled up his headband to reveal the Sharingan and within seconds, Iruka was dead to the world.
So while Iruka laid curled against the worn couch in Kakashi's living room, Kakashi spent the time going through the scroll that was responsible for Iruka's current state and trying to find where he could balance the elements to reverse the effects of a time compressing jutsu. The entire mess was to be blamed on poor budget for archive shelves, the Hokage for insisting he stays within the village to decompress (it wasn't like going on missions for four months nonstop was that bad - Kakashi had done more during his younger years, for goodness sakes!), and whatever piss-poor sod who decided to rearrange the archives to 'make it easier to find things'. It should have been logical to anyone with half a brain to check that the shelves were okay, especially if they were going to be carrying the weight of a lot of jutsu scrolls that were the trigger-upon-opening kind.
It wasn't like Kakashi could blame Iruka either. The man had been one of the chuunins helping in sorting the new archive and had been the only one available to show Kakashi around the stuff and explaining the new order of things. It also really wasn't Iruka's fault that one of the shelves had decided to give when he was pointing at what Kakashi was sort of looking for to fill his boredom by trying to make a new jutsu. It also wasn't neither of their fault that nearly a ton worth of scroll weight could not be maintained by two alarmed men trying to keep everything on the shelf when the creak sounded and stuff just started to rain down. Even with all the shadow clones and the wiring and sticking to the ceiling to keep everything in place, one of the scrolls did fall, bounced and took poor panicking and wide eyed Iruka-sensei with it.
It left nothing but a wide eyed four year old in a pool of the chuunin's uniform.
Obviously, when Kakashi had delivered the tiny thing by the scruff of its neck (he had hastily tugged Iruka's shirt over the boy's head) and plopped the poor shaking thing on Tsunade's desk, Tsunade made him deal with the mess, made him handle the boy until the effects of the jutsu (thank heaven it was temporary and meant to only last for a few weeks, according to the seals) and since there really was no one to spare and since this was a great opportunity for Kakashi (who hadn't been too happy about being under village-arrest to recover from missions and his last case of chakra depletion - the enemy was going to kill him, what was he supposed to do, let him win?) to stay busy, Hatake Kakashi was now left with one Umino Iruka in his four year old self who apparently really had a thing for making Kakashi go broke by wasting bread on fowls.
Not that Kakashi had anything against Iruka per se. He was a nice guy, very funny, kind of cute when flustered and embarrassed and knew how to suck cock like nobody's business. Just because Kakashi had fucked the man, what, twice, it did not mean that he would gladly babysit the child and keep an eye on him, no matter how funny, how attractive, how kind and understanding and caring and a good lay Iruka was, Kakashi really did not want this. The fact that Iruka always smiled at him, or made him bento when he was bed ridden at the hospital, or treated him like any other person without attention to his title, name and reputation and the fact that he would bear with Kakashi's recklessness in coming home half bleeding and into Iruka's apartment to report and proceed to clean him up and give up his own bed for Kakashi's own good, none of that - not one - was enough to convince Kakashi that he wanted to deal with a toddler.
What the hell was he supposed to do with a toddler, anyway? Out of the two of them, Iruka was taking everything in stride. All the Hokage had to say, after henge-ing into Sandaime was that both his parents were on a long mission and that Kakashi was his babysitter. The boy was obviously used to such arrangements because he just nodded and shyly looked up at Kakashi with a murmured, 'hello Kashi-san.'
Iruka was still asleep when Kakashi managed to come up with different balances to undo the jutsu. If he was going to keep Iruka in his apartment, he'd rather have him in his fairly very attractive adult form.
He debated trying it on Iruka. The worst that could happen is that he'd be left with either a shrieking infant or a wrinkly old man.
Or a cadaver.
Kakashi took one look at Iruka's parted lips and and flushed tear stained cheeks and sighed.
He was going to need a lot of rats.
A week into the mess and Kakashi had not figured out how to age the rats without - to put mildly - making them explode into smithereens. It was still too dangerous to try it out on a human subject.
Meanwhile, Kakashi wasn't sure what to do with Iruka's sudden fascination with hanging out quite too much by the dustbins just outside his apartment building. He had followed the boy the third time Iruka snuck out thinking that he was being quiet and saw him feeding the rest of his breakfast to a stray dog. Kakashi then proceeded to follow him into the bathroom where Iruka started to run the tap and vigorously scrub his pockets clean from where he stuffed the bacon, omelette and toast in earlier.
Kakashi was curious to see how Iruka was going to pull this one off, so he let him be. If the boy felt hungry, he would figure out that eating his three meals a day would be the smart thing to do. So Kakashi turned a blind eye when Iruka's dinner vanished so fast that it would have put his own eating speed to shame. He also didn't say anything when Iruka snuck out when Kakashi announced he was going to take a shower while he proceeded to watch the boy feed the rest of his meatballs and rice to the stray dog by the dustbins from his bathroom window (who obviously was very much in love with Iruka because Kakashi was subjected to watching dog and boy roll around the dirty alley, while said dog continued to lick Iruka happily and nuzzle the laughing boy).
Even as a child, it seemed that Iruka was always the good samaritan and taking care of strays.
That night, Kakashi woke up to the sound of tears and quiet whimpering while Iruka rolled around in his too-large a futon. He sounded like he was in pain, because Iruka was busy clutching his stomach and curling into a fetal position. Kakashi poked him with a finger.
"Hey."
Iruka simply sniffled and burrowed deeper into the blanket.
"What's wrong?"
There was a long silence before Iruka just shook is head.
Kakashi poked him again, a little sharply this time. "Iruka."
The voice that spoke was downright pitiful that Kakashi was tempted to tell the boy to man-up and deal with it. "Tummy hurts."
Kakashi could feel a migraine starting to grow behind both his eyeballs. He yanked the cover back, pulled Iruka so that he could see the boy's face and looked into his eye with the Sharingan until the boy just passed out in blissful obliviousness.
That's it.
It was time to talk about Iruka's feeding-the-entire-of-Konoha's-wild-animals habits in the morning.
The speech and lecture sounded good, easy and idiot-proof in Kakashi's head before he had fallen back to sleep the other night. It was so well rehearsed that there was just no way that it could go wrong. He had it all setup perfectly, too. Kakashi took the dog by the dustbin to the nearby shelter to find him a better home, he even prepared what seemed to be Iruka's favorite - a bowl of milk with colored cereal that smelled far too sweet to be normal and a glass of orange juice; he had a feeling Iruka picked the cereal box because of the printed dancing monkey on the packaging. The boy had been a little too starry eyed staring at that weird box, which happened to be the most colorful thing in Kakashi's home.
They were in the middle of breakfast, Iruka sitting on a stack of thick reference books piled up on the chair so he can reach the table properly, brown eyes skimming the bowl. Kakashi spent the last five minutes watching Iruka pick out all the orange cereal pieces; now the boy was picking all the green ones.
Toddlers were fucking weird.
"Iruka. You will stop taking your food and feeding it to any animal you happen to see. This is not practical and you need to stop getting ideas into your head or die from starvation like you nearly did last night. It hurt didn't it?" Kakashi said, patting himself on the shoulder now that his rehearsed verses were finally said out loud.
He was not expecting Iruka to get all teary eyed and press against the back of the chair as if Kakashi was going to reach out and punch him in the face and kill him.
Kakashi figured that it was just the boy being surprised.
"The dog is gone. You will not find him by the trash so don't even think of going out again. I know it when you leave, I'm a jounin. Don't take me for a fool. You will also not find any of the birds perching on the window. If you try to call them, the traps I've set up will cut your arms off. So don't."
By now, Kakashi figured out that toddlers were severely over dramatic. He was stating facts here, there was no need for Iruka to start sniffling and looking at him like he was some sort of villain that was about to eat him. And there goes the big fat baby tears again.
"I am doing this for your own safety. I don't want you to get sick, I don't want you to get hurt, now finish your breakfast."
In all honesty, Kakashi thought that the lecture went quite well. When Iruka made no movement to finish picking the rest of the green cereal pieces off his bowl, Kakashi sighed and looked at the boy who was crying and shaking and being pathetic again. For a four year old, Iruka sure cried a lot. What a crybaby. Granted, the boy was at least trying to be quiet. Still, it was making something that Kakashi figured was irritation coil and clench in his stomach. It made him a little uneasy and restless and made him want to yank his forehead protector up again and Sharingan the boy to sleep just so that he'd stop with the shaking sniffly whimpering crying face. If Iruka shook anymore, Kakashi was convinced his bones would pop out of his flesh.
"Are you going to finish your cereal?"
Iruka shook his head, biting his fist and trying even harder to keep his crying quiet.
"Then get off the table and go do something else. Don't blame me if you get another stomach ache later because you're hungry."
Iruka literally scampered off the table, nearly tripping on his way out of the kitchen and promptly hid inside the linen closet. It seemed to be a favorite hiding for the boy. Kakashi once found papers and and one of his pens and scribbles that he supposed were what children called drawing. It looked like crazy shapes to him. If Iruka wanted to stay in his corner, then fine. Kakashi wasn't going to stop him. He was going to lounge in his chair and go about his normal day of training, reading and being lazy. Iruka was old enough to make his own choices.
When noon flew by and Iruka didn't so much as made a peep form his little hidden corner, Kakashi started to wonder.
When lunch swung by and Iruka didn't come out when Kakashi called, Kakashi started to worry.
"Iruka, come out. It's lunch time."
There was a shuffle and then silence.
"I said come out."
More silence. Kakashi got fed up and yanked the linen closet door open only to find Iruka bundled up under one of the large pillowcases.
"I can see you, you know."
The lump huddled even further into the wall.
"If you're trying to be a ninja with that kind of disguise skills, you're better off giving up."
Kakashi sighed when the shoulders started to tremble. There goes Iruka with his stupid crying again.
"Fine. Starve, then."
Kakashi didn't care and showed that he didn't care. In fact, he purposely strode into the kitchen and started fixing himself a sandwich. So maybe after he made one, he ended up making another for Iruka. The boy was like a puppy. If a puppy was being stubborn, you tempted it with food, made noises and they'll come peeking out to see what it was about, especially if they're very, very hungry. Given the fact that Iruka didn't finish his cereal earlier and skipped dinner the night before, he must be starving by now. It was good endurance practice but Kakashi didn't want a sick or worse, dead child in his hands. That would be a headache.
By the time Kakashi finished his sandwich, made tea, drank all of it and washed the dishes, Iruka still didn't come out and the boy's sandwich was still sitting and waiting forlornly on the too big a plate to be eaten.
Kakashi stared at it for a long time.
What was Iruka's damn deal - he needed to get over shit already. The ninja world was tougher than this and the sooner the boy got used to how things are, the better it would be for him in the future.
Stubbornly, Kakashi brought the plate out to the living room and sat on the couch, crossing his ankle over a knee. Half an hour went by and Kakashi ended up propping his leg up on the coffee table. Another half an hour and still no curious or hungry Iruka. Kakashi was - reluctantly - starting to really worry.
What if the puppy - the boy, got really, really sick?
He didn't want vomit all over his apartment.
Kakashi craned his neck over the back of the couch and saw that the pillowcase lump in the linen closet still wasn't moving. He wondered if maybe the lecture was a bit rough. Kakashi didn't see the big deal because even during team seven's younger years, they took it in stride and they too, were children. There was no reason why Iruka, also a child, wouldn't understand or see the logic of it.
Kakashi started to think.
When a puppy was depressed, one of the steps to take to coax it out of depression was to either get it a new toy or get it a playmate. And since Iruka was hellbent in taking care of all of Konoha's wild animals, the solution should have been obvious from the beginning. Kakashi couldn't believe he didn't think of this earlier. Biting his thumb and drawing blood, Kakashi summoned the cutest, friendliest and less of a smart-mouth ninken he had.
Bisuke looked up at him with a yawn once the smoke cleared and the dog registered that there apparently was no immediate danger.
"Boss."
"Bisuke." Kakashi nodded. "Get that boy out of that closet."
Bisuke sniffed and looked at the closet, where Iruka had lowered the edge of the pillowcase only to yank it back up over his head when he saw Kakashi was looking at him. "Is that Iruka-sensei?"
"Yes it is."
"Why is he a small boy?"
"Accident."
"Why can't you take him out?"
"Just go do it, Bisuke." There was slight irritation and apprehension in Kakashi's gut as he said this. This boy was nothing but a headache. It was starting to make his chest and stomach feel funny and tight. Funny how Kakashi would suddenly feel the effects of age and injury and disease because a toddler was dropped into his care. "Go!"
Bisuke huffed and quietly made his way towards the pillowcase lump. Kakashi watched with fascination at how Iruka lowered the pillowcase to reveal red puffy eyes and cheeks that immediately broke into a grin when Bisuke started to nuzzle him and tug him out by the sleeve of his shirt. Iruka started giggling when Bisuke licked one side of his face. Hell, Iruka started crawling out of the closet when Bisuke started barking and acting very un-ninken like and promptly started to chase the dog around the living room. Kakashi was stunned, breathless because the pain in his stomach and chest eased until it was completely gone. Iruka was out of the closet and that damn pillowcase, Iruka was laughing and filling the usually quiet apartment with a child's bell-like-laughter and rolling around the floor with Bisuke once he did catch the silly thing.
Kakashi felt like a damn genius.
"Iruka."
Almost immediately, in the middle of Iruka cuddling Bisuke, the boy froze up and looked at Kakashi. Much to Kakashi's slight irritation and amusement (funny how that worked), Iruka had the gall to hide Bisuke against his side, as if holding it away from Kakashi lest the man took it away from him. Kakashi was very tempted to point out that the dog actually belonged to him. Instead:
"You want to go out and play with Bisuke?"
Iruka looked off to the side, unsure. Then nodded without meeting Kakashi's gaze.
"You won't bother other animals?"
Iruka paused and then slowly nodded, looking up at Kakashi from under his bangs and worried eyebrows.
"Okay. Can you handle two dogs?"
Kakashi was once more nearly taken aback when Iruka's face practically lit up and he started nodding very vigorously, big eyes eager and hopeful and curious and waiting.
Kakashi felt like puffing his chest out a little proudly when he summoned Pakkun. Iruka looked so impressed that he dropped Bisuke and started clapping and chasing Pakkun, too.
Before Pakkun can even open his smart mouth, Kakashi barked out his command, "Take Iruka to the park and play with him. Be back by sunset. Keep him out of trouble."
He waved a hand and turned a deaf ear when Pakkun started questioning his command by opening Icha Icha Tactics volume 4, special edition. When the door slammed and Iruka's laughter and eager footsteps started to fade down the street, Kakashi started to feel smug.
This taking care of toddlers thing was actually pretty easy.
He made a mental note though to hide all the pillowcases. Just in case.
At sunset, Kakashi got off his ass to figure dinner out. He was a little putout when he realized that he was going to have to order out because his kitchen was barren of things save for some condiments, ice, vodka, salt and pepper. They were in the second week and it really shouldn't be that long before Iruka popped back to his normal age. Kakashi was making a tallying list of how much food he'll need to fetch from the grocery store when he sensed Pakkun, Bisuke and Iruka approaching his front door. The wards buzzed and Kakashi made his way to the front door, yanked it open and stared.
There was no way the three figures before him belonged to dogs and a toddler.
On his doorway, Iruka stood soaked and caked in mud. There were leaves in his hair, grass on his cheeks and his clothes. His clothes weren't even blue anymore. They didn't even resemble clothes for that matter. Iruka looked like he was dunked into a pool of wet cement. The dogs were no better. Kakashi felt his lips twist under his mask in disgust. He couldn't really blame the dogs, they liked playing in rain puddles and mud and whatnot, because they were dogs, ninken or not.
But Iruka should have been smarter.
Sensing their master's growing displeasure, Pakkun sighed. "We tried boss."
"Yeah, we really tried." Bisuke had the decency to look meek.
"But he insisted."
"We played fetch for hours~!"
"Then we found the pond."
"And Iruka showed us how to play mud-tag!" Bisuke was far too cheerful saying that.
"Got lost in a rabbit hole." Pakkun started scratching his ear with his hindleg.
Iruka for the life of him didn't seem to understand why Kakashi was radiating irritation intent. But he did scoop Pakkun and Bisuke up and started to hold them away from Kakashi protectively. Again.
"They're my dogs, Iruka."
"Boss!" The summons chorused.
Iruka looked terrified.
Kakashi sighed, reached out and promptly picked up Iruka by the scruff of his neck, and the other two dogs in his other hand. There was a whining protest from all three when Kakashi dumped them all inside the tub and started to hose them down with the shower head. That promptly started a fit of giggles and laughter and an impromptu water game. The bathroom was filled with delighted screams, barks and splashes. Kakashi was sopping wet by the time he could see color on Iruka's person and dogs actually looked like dogs.
Nearly a bar of soap later and a quick wash and clean up, Kakashi was in drier clothes and dogs were lounging on their backs on the rug, belly up. Iruka stood still between Kakashi's legs as Kakashi dried the small body and long hair with a towel.
"What am I going to do with you?" Kakashi sighed, looking at Iruka who was also looking back at him with his hair sticking out in every direction.
Iruka's stomach growled in reply.
Iruka simply flushed and looked away, embarrassed.
"Well that answers my question." Kakashi stood up and tugged Iruka by the hand, leading him to the closet where one of the other pairs of clothes should be on the lower shelf. Kakashi was a little perturbed when he found no clothes. Before he can even open his mouth, Iruka tugged him by the pant-leg and pointed at the laundry basket where the other spare of clothes was lying, stained and dirty. Kakashi saw no point in getting Iruka a closet full of clothes since the situation was only temporary but now that there was no time to actually do laundry and Iruka can't sit around naked, Kakashi was forced, once more, to do something he just wasn't used to.
"We should get you more clothes hmm? With the way you keep making a mess of yourself…"
Iruka chewed his lower lip.
"I suppose they didn't really fit you very well, ne?"
Iruka shrugged.
"Want to go pick your clothes yourself?"
Iruka looked up at him with wide, glistening eyes.
Kakashi felt his stomach flip a little bit.
"Let me get that pillow case. You can change at the store."
Kakashi's heart did more flips that his stomach when Iruka threw himself against his leg, hugging it.
It only took a few minutes to find a pair of shorts and a t-shirt (Iruka picked a white t-shirt with a dog print on the front and a blue shorts and sandals) for the pillow-case dressed boy to change into in the store itself. But the disapproving stares and scowls that Kakashi got from parents and other store helpers lasted well after they long left the store with bags of clothes and shoes. Kakashi paid no attention to them. As far as he was concerned, it was none of their business.
Iruka didn't seem to care. He was happy trotting along and staring at the dog print on his new t-shirt as they walked down the streets of Konoha with a smile on his face, dimples dotting his round cheeks. They were making their way down the line of food stalls and Kakashi figured they might as well get their groceries. Iruka was yet to complain about his hunger just yet since he was so focused with his new clothes.
Kakashi stepped into the grocery store entrance when he noticed that Iruka wasn't beside him. A quick look behind him found Iruka staring down at the street where he was staring at another boy who was holding onto to both his parent's hands, swinging in between them.
"Iruka?"
Iruka didn't look at him immediately, but watched the boy and his parents disappear down the street before turning towards Kakashi and following him into the store. Kakashi didn't pay any attention to the sudden silence Iruka seemed to have gotten himself into.
Even after they got home after shopping, dinner and getting Iruka into his new dog printed pajamas, Kakashi thought nothing was wrong. Iruka was cooperating, Iruka ate, listened to Kakashi's instructors and made little to no mess that evening.
When Kakashi came out of his shower, towel hanging around his bare shoulders, he found Iruka sitting on the couch, between the two dogs, staring out the window. There was something sad about how the boy was looking out the said window, like a kicked puppy or one who lost his owner.
Kakashi was making tea when Iruka came to him and tugged at his pant-leg. "Kashi-san?"
"Hmmm?"
"When is mama and papa coming back?"
Kakashi turned the kettle down, suddenly not wanting any tea. "Soon."
"Then I can go home?"
Kakashi's stomach clenched when he looked down at Iruka. "Yeah. Yeah, you can."
"How long?"
It never occurred to Kakashi that this kind of conversation would pop up. The most logical thing to do was lie, put the child's mind at ease since Iruka wasn't going to stay this way forever. No need to tell Iruka that his parents were never coming back because they were dead, their names were on the cenotaph. So Kakashi did just that.
"They are on a difficult mission, Iruka. Sometimes, these things take time."
"Mama and papa usually comes home faster."
The dogs were looking at them by the doorway and Kakashi wondered if by looking at the dogs' face, he'd find some sort of good answer to give the poor boy.
They're not coming home. "Sometimes with missions, shinobi can finish faster. Sometimes stuff happens that they don't foresee. So there is a delay. Sometimes it can last a few hours. Sometimes a few days. Or even weeks. Your parents will come back soon, Iruka. Just be patient. They're very, very strong shinobi."
Iruka smiled at him then, dimples hollowing. "They are!"
"Hmm, they are. So you too, should be strong. You know, one of the things that make shinobi strong is patience?" Kakashi picked the boy up, sitting him on the counter. "Do you want to hear a story?"
Iruka nodded vigorously.
Kakashi picked him up from the counter and carried him to the couch, sitting him on his lap and started to narrate one of his reconnaissance mission, purposely omitting all the blood and gutting and massacre. It seemed to work as a good distraction because Iruka grew glowy-eyed and happy listening to him very excitedly, gasping at the dramatized parts, and looking at Kakashi like he was some sort of hero. By the time Kakashi was done, Iruka was yawning and had his head pillowed on his lap, trying to fight off sleep.
It was a good thing that Kakashi had a fuckton of missions under his belt. He had a feeling he was going to need it to distract Iruka from asking more parent-related questions.
Kakashi had completely forgotten about getting more rats or working on the scroll elements. In fact, the next few days were spent showing Iruka around the bookstore, letting him play in the park, taking him for picnics in the forest while showing him new doggy-games to play with Bisuke and Pakkun and allowing him to swim by the lake with the other kids since it was the end of spring.
The parent-question never popped again.
Except one afternoon when Iruka came running to him, looking absolutely distraught and abandoning the sandpit in the park, Pakkun and Bisuke snarling by his heels. Kakashi hopped down from the tree, tucking his book away and crouching in front of Iruka, looking him over if he was hurt. There was sand in the boy's hair and clothes.
"What's wrong, Iruka?"
"Are mama and papa dead?"
Kakashi felt his breath hitch in his throat and his chest constrict even if his outer expression betrayed nothing. Bisuke and Pakkun were snarling at a bunch of older kids by the sandpit and swings.
"Who told you that?" Kakashi asked, absolutely unimpressed. He was surprised at how angry he suddenly felt. It wasn't like Iruka was asking about a lie; it was the truth. His parents were dead.
Iruka was verging on tears and this was the first time in two weeks since that closet and pillow-case incident that Iruka showed any signs of crying. His voice was trembling, words barely forming. "They said if ninja don't come home, that means they're dead. Mama and papa are dead, aren't they? Because they're late?"
Kakashi wanted to toss those older kids into the lake and bury them under a rock, the bunch of morons, making Iruka cry.
"Loss is a part of shinobi life. This is something you have to keep in mind, Iruka. But, until proof comes that your parents are dead, you shouldn't lose hope or think that they are dead. Has the Hokage informed you news about your parents' death?"
Iruka shook his head slowly, sobbing at this point.
"Then they're not dead. Hey." Kakashi tipped Iruka's chin up and pushed the hair off his face. "Keep your head up. Ninjas don't cry, remember?"
"What if they don't come back?" Iruka's voice was hoarse, cheeks red and tears just showing no signs of stopping. Kakashi has never seen the boy cry this hard.
"Then I'll take care of you."
Kakashi wasn't the only one surprised at his own answer. Pakkun and Bisuke were looking at him like he grew a second head.
Iruka made a whimpering sound stepped closer towards Kakashi, hiding his face in the rough fabric of his jounin vest, and just cried even more.
Kakashi decided it was time to go home and as he picked the boy up, tucking his head against his shoulder and taking off for the treetops and roofs. He wondered if Iruka found it painful to be in his presence since the boy seemed to find it distressful when Kakashi mentioned that he'd take care of him.
If the older kids did end up going home sopping wet and cold after accidentally flying into the nearby pond, Kakashi had no hand in it.
Iruka started to become extremely quiet in the next coming days.
Kakashi, in turn, started to panic and build blood clots in his brain from worry.
All of his summons had failed to get Iruka out of his quiet funk. Not even the new set of crayons and sketch book helped. Kakashi even took Iruka bird feeding by the window and that didn't help one bit. Playing water in the tub failed, picnics didn't work, new games gave null result and even ninja tricks just wasn't cutting it. Back then, when Kakashi offered to teach Iruka something ninja related, Iruka would leap up at the opportunity. Now, he would just nod and go with the training and go home with more scrapes than normal.
Kakashi was going mad.
He was losing sleep, he was losing appetite just by watching Iruka. He lost count of how many days he laid awake at night watching Iruka cocooned under his blanket, the dogs huddled around the small frame. The groceries weren't even finishing that fast anymore (Iruka had a big appetite).
One night, in another failed attempt to cheer Iruka up, Kakashi had taken him for a walk in town for dessert, just to get Iruka out of the house. The dogs stayed behind and Kakashi eagerly waited for a tug at his pant leg for when Iruka would point at a sweet stall.
It never came.
Instead, he found Iruka staring at parents and their kids, staring at the other kids holding their parents' hands or sitting on their shoulders. Kakashi was at least glad that the boy wasn't crying. But now that this ridiculousness was going on for a while, Kakashi was starting to wish that Iruka would cry instead of his muteness of his.
Iruka had stopped walking all together, openly blinking and staring at a boy his age, hand in his dad's hand, pointing at an ice-cream vendor. Kakashi stood beside him, staring as well as father and son bought a cone each and continued down the street hand in hand, eating ice cream.
Iruka remained unmoving.
Kakashi decided to mimic the father and for the first time since he was stuck with this toddler mess, he took Iruka by the hand and started walking the few meters distance towards the ice cream vendor. Iruka looked startled and didn't walk immediately, looking up at Kakashi instead.
"What?"
Iruka looked gobsmacked but immediately shook his head and followed Kakashi.
As they approached the ice cream vendor, Kakashi felt Iruka's hand curl around his thumb. By the time they were standing in front of the ice cream vendor, Iruka was smiling and looking up at Kakashi with a flush and dimples that Kakashi hasn't seen in days dotting his cheeks.
"Kashi-san, can I get strawberry ice cream?"
Kakashi only smiled, something in chest finally relaxing.
"Iruka, I thought we agreed that you weren't going to bother the animals of Konoha anymore." Kakashi said exasperatedly.
Iruka nodded.
"Then why are there bunnies on my couch?"
"It was raining." Iruka said, looking a little intimidated and dripping a puddle on the floor.
On the couch, the bunnies were burrowed around the corner, brown, black and white ones. Kakashi recognized them as dwarf bunnies.
"Boss, maybe you shouldn't sound so scary. The boy's knees are shaking." Pakkun pointed out smartly.
"Maybe if he didn't bring the bunnies home -" Kakashi was cut off.
"But they're harmless, boss!" Bisuke insisted.
"And it's not like they'll make him sick." Uuhei oh so tartly pointed out.
"Bunnies are nice." Bull nodded. The rest of the pack barked in agreement.
"They will get sick." Iruka insisted, obviously paying no attention to the fact that he too can get sick. The boy snuck out earlier to play in the rain. He's been doing that a lot lately since the summer showers started.
"That's not the point. You're supposed to leave them alone, Iruka. They don't belong here. They belong with the other bunnies!" Kakashi rubbed his temples. He thought he was past this.
"But they were cold from the raining!" Iruka argued, and started to gather bunnies into his arm, no doubt to hide them somewhere away from Kakashi.
"Iruka, if you touch those bunnies one more time, I'll throw them out myself."
"Boss!" The pack sounded appalled.
Iruka started to cry, trying to carry all the bunnies to really hide them away now.
Kakashi wanted to kick his damn furniture. His apartment was not a fucking zoo!
"Iruka quick, go hide the canaries too!" Bisuke warned.
"Canaries?" Kakashi frowned.
Iruka bolted, carrying the bunnies with him and hiding in the linen closet. From a distance, Kakashi could hear the chirps of canaries. And he could have sworn that there was a squeak of a what, squirrel? Kakashi stared at the closet and swore he saw a skinny hand scoop a turtle.
A fucking turtle.
"You knew about this?" Kakashi asked the pack, who looked at anywhere but him, tails between their legs. "Guys…"
"It sounded like a good plan at the time…" Kakashi couldn't believe Pakkun was taking Iruka's side.
"And Iruka had a point. The canaries had broken wings, the turtle looked lost and gerbil looked like it was tossed out of a window!"
Damn Bisuke and his pathetic simpering whines!
"And the bunnies?" Kakashi cocked an eyebrow, folding his arm. A glance at the linen closet told him that Iruka was using a towel to hide under, while a skinny arm kept scooping the bunnies and gerbil that kept trying to sneak out curiously form under the towel.
"Iruka said they were cute." Bull answered.
"This is bullshit." Kakashi sighed and threw his hands up in the air.
Just because Kakashi didn't mind holding Iruka's hand now in a mimicking gesture of a parent, it did not mean he will tolerate Iruka bringing home more strays. For goodness sakes where the fuck was he going to keep all of them? And what was he going to do with them when Iruka was back to normal?
Kakashi yanked the towel off Iruka and ignored the packs barking warning to not be rough with the pup.
Pup my ass, Kakashi snarled in his head.
Kakashi felt the words break off in his throat when he saw how Iruka kept bundling the animals to his wet chest, his arms too small to hold all of the bunnies, turtle and gerbil. The birds were sitting on his head and every once in a while, he would reach out and and push them back towards his ratty ponytail.
There was a time when Kakashi remembered being like this, only instead of a gerbil, bunnies, canaries and a turtle, he had eight dogs. He remembered hiding in his father's bedroom, spending nights with the pack keeping him warm and scared, and alone and not understanding why people were looking at him with strange eyes or why his father wouldn't wake up form the under the ground anymore. Or why Minato kept fussing over him more than normal.
Whatever irritation Kakashi had at his house turning into a zoo promptly vanished at the reminder and at how Iruka looked, huddling into the corner with all the strays against him.
Kakashi crouched beside Iruka, and gently shook him by the shoulder.
"Listen, Iruka, we can't keep them here. Do you want to know why?"
Iruka peered at him through tear stained lashes.
"Because these bunnies have families. So do these canaries. And the gerbil probably has an owner too. How would their families feel now that you've taken them away from them?"
Iruka sniffed, eyes lowering.
Kakashi couldn't believe that the words leaving his mouth actually were coming out of his mouth.
"They can stay until it stops raining, after that, we have to set the canaries free, return the bunnies and turtle to their place and find the owner of the gerbil. Okay?"
"O-Okay…"
"Good. Now, let's get you out of your wet clothes and we'll figure out where to put them."
Iruka nodded hesitantly and got to his feet. The bunnies and gerbil started exploring the little linen closet, while the canaries started to hope around, trying to fly but unable to.
Kakashi sent the dogs out to find him a box and to get Tenzou to make a cage for them. He should not have been surprised that Tenzou would bring the bird cage himself, most likely out of curiosity and because Kakashi had kept himself hidden since his village arrest, avoiding his fellow shinobis when he can. He was in the middle of dressing Iruka in his pajamas when Tenzou stood there, utterly and completely stunned to silence.
"Is that…"
"Iruka, this is Tenzou. He is going to make us a cage for the canaries." Kakashi cut his junior off before the man voiced out whatever stupidity was forming in his mind.
Iruka grinned toothily while Kakashi combed his hair. "HelloTencho-san, I'm Iruka, nice to meet you."
"Ten…cho?" Tenzou blinked.
"The cage, kouhai." Kakashi reminded his very stupid at the moment junior. How hard was it to understand that he needed that cage? To emphasize the importance of the cage, one of the canaries managed to peck Tenzou's toe while hopping about the living room.
Iruka was most impressed when Tenzou formed a cage from his fingertips and had his mouth in an O the entire time. He was more impressed when Kakashi healed the canaries' wings and the little yellow things started fluttering around the ceiling.
"Kashi-san is the best!"
Tenzou - who was being treated like a wall the entire time by Kakashi - stared with a quirked eyebrow while Iruka threw his arms around the most feared ANBU Konoha has ever seen and kissed his unmasked cheek (Kakashi was used to it. He figured from the second day that being maskless scared Iruka less). The boy then proceeded to climb the Jounin's broad shoulder in an attempt to grab the flying canaries.
Wisely, Tenzou kept his mouth shut.
By the time the birds were in the cage and Tenzou was still being treated like a wall, Kakashi tucked Iruka into bed after checking that gerbil and bunnies and turtle were content in their respective boxes and closed the bedroom door. Iruka was out like a light in minutes.
"I heard about Iruka-sensei shrinking. Shouldn't he be normal by now?"
"The scroll didn't have a fixed timeframe as to how long this was going to last."
"But it's been more than four weeks."
"Aa…"
Kakashi sat heavily on the couch, rubbing one side of his face with a palm. The dogs were in the bedroom, watching Iruka. It was that time that Kakashi took at good look around his apartment. There were building blocks under the window, along with some crayons and an open sketchbook. There was a stuffed dog hanging on the side of the couch and the melanin cup that had stars printed on it was sitting on the coffee table, empty from the milk Iruka drank before bed. A glance at the fridge showed him drawings of the pack and Mr. Ukki. Iruka's cereal, cookie box, and tetra-packed strawberry milk and fruit juice were on the shelves, along with his tiny apron that he wore when he was feeding the dogs, Mr. Ukki and helping Kakashi with meals and cleaning up. Kakashi suddenly didn't want to think of his bathroom where he knew that a small robe hanged at the back of the door beside his own, a colorful toothbrush was beside his along with a matching gargling cup and beside his shaving kit, there was a packet of printed bandaids.
"This isn't permanent." Tenzou said quietly.
Kakashi's jaw was tight when he stood up to get a drink for himself and Tenzou.
He was too attached and it only took Tenzou under an hour to notice.
Kakashi had to remedy that.
The next morning, Iruka was fussing in the kitchen and scooping dog food into the bowls lining one wall of the kitchen. Kakashi woke up and found the boy had already showered, changed and dressed into his going-out clothes, hair down. Kakashi yawned and puttered towards the coffee machine, still thinking of how he was going to detach himself from the little boy.
"Goo-morning Kashi-san!" Iruka greeted cheerfully, taking his thumb and shaking it in greeting, looking up at him with a big grin.
"Morning." Kakashi yawned, rubbing his temples at the loud voice so early in the morning.
Maybe he should have gone easy with the drinks last night.
The dogs were waiting for their water bowls to be filled by Iruka when the wards buzzed. Kakashi opened the door and found Tenzou standing there with a paperbag held between his fingers. The contents of the bag looked warm.
"Breakfast. Figured you'd be cranky this morning."
Kakashi ignored his junior and went back to the kitchen. Iruka was digging carrots and lettuce leaves out of the vegetable box in the fridge for the gerbil and bunnies.
"Hello Tencho-san! Goo-morning!"
Kakashi rolled his eyes. Iruka was too cheerful greeting his kouhai.
It was kind of annoying.
"Morning Iruka. You like sweet buns?" Tenzou held up the paperboy.
"I love sweet buns! Kashi-san always buys me sweet buns for afternoon snack! Sometimes ice cream too. He got me mochi yesterday!"
"Did he."
If Kakashi had no patience whatsoever, he would have thrown something at his kouhai's cocked eyebrow and smug question. As it was, he couldn't be bothered and started pouring himself a cup of coffee and started warming Iruka's morning milk.
"Ah! I have to feed Ukki-san!" Iruka took a cup of water and carefully wobbled his way to the bedroom.
Tenzou looked at Kakashi and Kakashi simply retaliated by thrusting a cup of coffee at Tenzou's face, a gesture that obviously meant shut up immediately or else.
"I didn't say anything." Tenzou said defensively, taking a seat.
"Hmmn." Kakashi started drinking his coffee.
The morning was perfect like any other. The dogs were eating, the canaries were chirping, turtle, bunnies and gerbil were in check, Kakashi had his coffee and his kouhai was actually shutting up. Kakashi was in the process of stirring some of Iruka's chocolate milk mix into his milk when the loud crack and the sudden screech and cry sliced through the half-quiet apartment.
The pack, Tenzou and Kakashi rushed to the bedroom.
And the apartment proceeded to explode into chaos.
The dogs started barking, Iruka was beyond himself in crying so hard that his voice left him. The boy wasn't fucking breathing and all because of a damn broken arm and when Kakashi inspected, a dislocated shoulder too. How a fucking toddler managed to injure himself as such while watering a damn plant was beyond him; Mr. Ukki was on the floor, pot cracked and the shelf he had been on had come off completely. Iruka must have fallen while perching on the shelf and landed wrong.
Kakashi didn't fucking care at the moment. He was busy losing his shit because Iruka was turning blue from crying so much in pain. Iruka wouldn't stop.
"Make him stop!" Kakashi snapped.
"You want me to knock him out?" Tenzou asked, looking equally spooked if only because Kakashi was spooked.
"Goddamnit, Iruka how do you do this to yourself!" Never in Kakashi's life did he feel more helpless than he did right then and there, staring at Iruka crumpled on the floor and losing more of his shit.
Iruka started hyperventilating and choking on his own air and tears.
"Senpai, yelling isn't going to help."
Technically, Kakashi knew that he and Tenzou should have had more sympathy than this but the crux of the matter is that both of them mentally knew as well that a dislocated shoulder and a broken arm was easily fixed. It wasn't like the child was dying so it wasn't so much of a big deal. But the more Kakashi stared at Iruka's face, the more he watched the boy struggle to breath, the more he listened to the boy's little voice fade and fade and fade, the more Kakashi started to get angry.
"Iruka!"
"Senpai, he's - "
"I know!"
"Then stop shouting, you're not helping!"
Tenzou pushed Kakashi aside to get to the boy and that seemed to have made Kakashi snap back to reality. He pushed Tenzou away as well, opened his Sharingan eye and hypnotized Iruka until the boy slumped in sudden silence, asleep.
"Did you just -"
"Shut up, Tenzou!"
Kakashi yanked his mask back up, got dressed, picked Iruka up and shunshined to the hospital.
It took an hour tops and Kakashi was told by the medic that Iruka was inside the emergency room and that he was awake, arm good as new. They gave Kakashi a prescription that he went to fetch first before picking Iruka up from the room. Colorful and flavored analgesic syrups, the stuff kids liked. They pharmacist asked him robotically what flavor he preferred for the child.
Kakashi asked for orange. Iruka loved orange.
Kakashi had the small bag with the medicine when he pushed the door open to the room Iruka was in, "Iruka, medics said I can take you home now and -"
Kakashi promptly froze.
On the bed was one very confused Iruka-sensei, full height, hair down and looking a little dazed as he tugged the hospital sheet around his waist to cover his modesty.
"Kakashi-san."
"Welcome back, Iruka-sensei." Kakashi nodded his head, said something or the other about Iruka being able to head home by himself now that he was back to normal and turned to leave.
He passed by Tenzou on the way out and wordlessly, he all but shoved the little bag of flavored medicine at his kouhai's chest before promptly walking out of the hospital.
An hour later, he was leaving Konoha's gates for a mission.
He left the pack with instructions to handle the rest of the zoo in his apartment.
Nearly two weeks later, Kakashi stumbled back into his apartment, tired and sleepy and feeling a little hungry. He focused on nothing but the mission and this was the first time he thought of himself after making a hasty retreat two weeks ago to get away from the entire toddler fiasco.
Only after he was showered, cleaned and he was brushing his teeth did he notice Iruka's toothbrush. And his bandaids. His little robe and bathroom slippers by the tub.
Kakashi set his toothbrush down very slowly, rinsing his mouth before staring at his reflection on the mirror; he suddenly felt his clone pop out of existence, after handing his mission report at the desk.
Iruka-sensei looked worried.
A decision formed then and he dug out a box from the storage closet and started taking all the little clothes from the laundry basket, and the closet, pushing them into the box. The toothbrush and slippers and bandaids went in too, along with the stuffed dog, the crayons, the building blocks, the colorful cup, plate and chopsticks, the cookies, the cereal, the juices and anything that reminded Kakashi of the toddler that had turned his apartment upside down.
He paused at the fridge at the little drawings and stared at it for a long time. The newest one had a drawing of him holding Iruka's hand, the pack standing around them in a patch of green grass under a big smiling sun and clouds.
Kakashi yanked the drawing off the fridge a little too harshly and stuffed it into the box.
He was rounding the corner of the dumpster, dusting his hands when Iruka walked up to him.
"Kakashi-san."
"Iruka-sensei."
"I heard that -"
Kakashi wanted nothing to do with Iruka anymore. His stomach was twisting and he convinced himself it wasn't because he tossed out a boxful of trash and because Iruka was looking at him with those eyes again. It was pissing him off. "It's late sensei, and I'm tired."
Kakashi side-stepped the silent teacher and continued up the stairwell into his apartment building.
"I can still stay with you, you know!" Iruka blurted out so suddenly, making Kakashi stop midstep up the stairs. "I want to. I really do. M-Maybe it won't be anything like before, I'm not a child anymore and I'm sorry you had to go through that entire mess, but I really want to stay with you, I like staying with you, even back then and - and you know, if you'd let me, if you want -"
Kakashi felt his heart skip a little bit, like that time when Iruka hugged him so tight when he told him that they were going to get him new clothes. Perhaps that thing he missed was coming home to something, or having something to live for. An actual person as opposed to a stone full of names. Iruka was a child, an accident caused by low budget and bad shelves, a man that he without knowing had grown to like a little bit and a boy he had grown - accidentally - to actually really, dare he say, love. He had pointedly convinced himself to not think of the boy, whether he was sleeping, if he changed into his damn pajamas, if he skipped his meals again or if he dared bring more animals into the apartment.
No matter how he tried, through out the entire mission, all he thought of was Iruka. Kakashi just told himself that he wasn't thinking of the boy even when he obviously was - it worked up until he saw Iruka.
"You don't know what you're saying, sensei. Go home, it's late."
"I do!" Iruka was beside Kakashi in an instant, taking his hand in his. "I really, really do, Kakashi."
Iruka's voice was so soft and despite being a grown man, he was still forced to look up at Kakashi. Kakashi didn't see a little boy then, just a beautiful man who made him bentos, invited him for drinks before the accident, who greeted him, smiled at him and was so incredibly warm, Kakashi was sure that he no longer needed to pay for any heating bills ever so long as he had Iruka beside him. Iruka who wasn't afraid of him, who was perverted and sneaky and had a filthy mouth when sucking cock, Iruka who blushed so cutely and was so damn devoted that it was ridiculous. Kind and beautiful and wonderful, gentle Iruka.
Kakashi knew all that. Even before Iruka turned to a boy.
He just didn't really want to admit it. Out loud. To himself, that is.
Acknowledging something like that was always dangerous.
Kakashi said nothing.
He simply turned to look away.
And curled his hand around Iruka's.
fin