Hello everyone, xblackrosefirex here with another Hey Arnold story, as well as my first AU story.
So, I got this idea from my story, Memoirs of Miriam. However, this fic has little to nothing to do with that story.
Summary: What if in the series, Miriam was never around because she had abandoned Bob, Helga and Olga? In this story, Helga reflects on what it's like to have an absent mother, her resentment towards Miriam, and her hatred of feeling abandoned. Told in Helga's point of view.
Rating: K-T.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Hey Arnold characters.
Now, on to the story!
I stepped off the bus, but not before telling Phoebe that I would see her tomorrow evening at her place for a sleepover. It was Friday, my favorite day of the week, and I could not wait to get inside the house, lie on my bed and relax for the rest of the day. Any homework I had over the weekend could wait.
I walked up to the front door. Bending down, I lifted up the mat, and grabbed the house key. After weeks of convincing, I finally managed to get Bob to agree to leaving me one in case I ever came home, and needed to get inside when nobody was home. Waiting out in the cold for hours on end can get really old, really fast.
I shut the door behind me, right after placing the key back underneath the mat. As usual, nobody was home. This was a scenario I had gotten used to over the years, and thought nothing of it. Bob was over the beeper emporium, and wouldn't be back until much later tonight. My sister Olga was off in Alaska, teaching Inuit children. I didn't really care, though. I had always enjoyed having the house to myself.
Everything looked the same in the Pataki household. No furniture has been changed or replaced. Bob would go off to work as usual, and Olga would visit us from time to time.
There was, however, one thing missing, or rather, someone. My mother, Miriam.
In fact, today is the six month anniversary that started all of this. It was a cold day in November, when my mother ran out on her family, ran out on me. She packed up her bags and walked out the door of the Pataki home without so much as a goodbye.
It happened so long ago, but I still remember it so vividly, as if it happened just yesterday. I remember waking up, and seeing something that I was not used to: Miriam wasn't passed out on the table. Miriam wasn't passed out on the couch. Miriam was nowhere to be found. I remember my father frantically trying to get a hold of her with the beeper he had given her for Christmas almost a year ago. I remember him repeating to himself, like a mantra, that she was just at a bar with some friends, and that she would be back later that night.
She never came back that night. A couple of days passed, and there was still no Miriam. I thought, "Where was my mom?" After a while, I began to accept the cold, harsh truth; a truth that gutted me like a knife, and twisted my insides over and over again: my mother had left for good, and she was not coming back.
Anxiety turned into questions of why's and how's. And soon, those turned into feelings of anger and resentment. I suddenly had an ice queen like attitude towards my mother, one that not even I thought I was capable of pulling off.
Miriam may not have been the greatest mom in the world. Even though I got used to coming home to her passed out on the couch, and her breath reeking of alcohol. Even though I learned to turn away from the broken promises, the lack of healthy, homemade lunches, a luxury every kid should have, she was still my mom, and I needed her. But, she didn't need her family. She didn't need me. She made that known the day she left.
You want to know something really funny? I had almost never called Miriam mom, but rather Miriam. It felt too weird for me to call her something that symbolized nurture and care, when she really wasn't any of those. And now? Now, I can barely even bring myself to speak her name. Calling her mom never felt right; she was never able to fulfill that role.
Everyone in the Pataki family felt the blow of Miriam leaving. It hit everyone like a ton of bricks. I knew that Bob had felt it- how could he not? She was his wife after all- but he acted like he didn't even care. When we all realized the truth, I saw my father do something I never thought I'd see him do. The man who hated being intoxicated, saying that he didn't like how it "made people stupid," had gotten drunk. After that, he went about his life, like he never even had a wife, like Miriam never existed. He was spending more and more hours at the office.
And, my sister, Olga? Well, being the ever caring, sweet, perfect daughter that she was, gave no real thought to Miriam walking out. She encouraged all of us, me and Bob, to still be thankful that we had each other. She would talk on the phone to mom—yeah did you know that Miriam left six months ago, and it took her three months after that to call us? Some caring mother! — And would keep Miriam updated on all that we were doing: "daddy is working as diligently as ever and Helga, oh the sweet little thing! She's almost done with the fourth grade."
Olga would often pester me to talk to Miriam, saying that, "Oh, but Helga, sweetie, mommy really wants to hear your voice." My mother lost the right to talk to me the day she walked out. I guess her own selfish needs were more important than my happiness. I understood that my mother was depressed, I wasn't ignorant. But, criminy! Who just walks out on their children just because they can't take it anymore? Who just walks out and leaves because the life they knew was getting too hard? Miriam could have gotten help, but she didn't. She could have talked to somebody, she and Bob could have gone through marriage counseling. Miriam could have done anything, but she chose to do nothing. And by nothing, I mean she took the easy way out. And now she thinks that she can just talk to me on the phone, like everything is ok again. It doesn't work that way! You can't just abandon your kids, and then expect them to be ok with it. You don't just decide that you don't want to be a mom anymore. I don't want to talk to Miriam. If she couldn't even put in the effort to be a better mom, if she couldn't even try to get help, why should I put the effort forward to talk to her?
Not only that, but Olga keeps trying to get me to forgive Miriam. She said that we should be supporting our dear mother's happiness. The first time she attempted this, I got very angry. The hypocrisy of it all was gigantic.
"Support Miriam? Are you joking Olga? Miriam wouldn't know the meaning of the word support even if it hit her right in the face," I had said.
As of late, the only person that knew about Miriam leaving was Phoebe. I was very grateful to her for not only supporting me through this, but also keeping it a secret. I didn't want anybody to find out, and I certainly did not need anyone else's pity.
But, that didn't last very long. I don't know how, but I found out that Olga had blabbed it, and pretty soon word spread around Hillwood like a freaking epidemic. I hated it. I hated the way my classmates and teachers would drop their voices and mumble words of pity whenever I walked by. I hated the fact that I could hear Mr. Simmonds say, "How could anyone do something so selfish to such a special little girl?" Gee, Mr. Simmonds, why don't you ask Miriam why I wasn't special enough to stay? You want her number, Mr. Special? I'll be glad to give it to you.
I looked up at the clock in the living room. 4: 00 in the afternoon. It would be another eight hours before Bob got home.
Without thinking, I grabbed the phone, and dialed Dr. Bliss's number. I needed to talk to her. I still continued my therapy sessions with her, and she knew all about Miriam leaving.
The phone rang once, twice, three times before Bliss picked up.
"Hi, Dr. Bliss? It's Helga. No, I'm fine, everything is ok, but…I really….the thing is, I need to talk to you. It's important. Are you in your office? Could I stop by for a bit? You are? Great! I'll be over in fifteen minutes."
I hung up the phone, grabbed my coat as well as a few quarters from the jar on the counter, and walked out the door.
It only took about 15 minutes by bus, from my house to Dr. Bliss's office. I walked up the steps to the building, and took the elevator to the third floor.
When I entered the door, Dr. Bliss was busy putting what looked like red and yellow folders away in a cabinet. Probably notes from all her other patients.
"Hello, Helga!" She said, finally looking up, "Nice to see you again. Please, take a seat, and I'll be right with you."
I started going to Dr. Bliss after she and Principal Warts decided that I had some anti-social tendencies, and was ordered to work on them. At first, I hated the idea. After a while though, it wasn't so bad.
When Dr. Bliss came back, she was carrying two water bottles. She handed one to me, and sat down.
"Now, Helga, you sounded pretty upset when you were talking on the phone with me. Is there something going on?"
I nodded my head, even though I could tell that she knew exactly why I was here.
And so, I began spilling out everything about Miriam. The story I had told Dr. Bliss was retold once again. I told her about the day she left, how my father got drunk, how my family just carries on, and how everything is just so messed up.
"Not only that, but Olga keeps hounding me to talk to Miriam, like that'll make much of a difference!" I said, taking a swig at my water.
"Do you want to talk to your mother, Helga?"
There was silence as I thought about this. Did I want to talk to Miriam? Every chance I was offered, I turned it down. At the same time, I did miss Miriam.
"Dr. Bliss," I said after a while, "I may tell Olga that I want nothing to with Miriam. And…whenever my sister and me the phone, I just slam it back down on the receiver. The truth is…I do want to talk to Miriam. But I can't." Dr. Bliss raised an eyebrow.
"And why can't you Helga?"
I began squirming in my seat, suddenly feeling like I was being mercilessly interrogated, instead of having a normal conversation with one of the only people I trusted.
To be honest, this wasn't the first time she asked that question. Every single time, I either shrugged my shoulders, or changed the subject. But this time?
"Because….because….ARGH!" I jumped up, as if I were suddenly smacked with a red hot poker. Dr. Bliss looked surprised at my actions, but she let me continue to pace back and forth across the office.
"Because I'm just so angry at her. I mean, she didn't even try to get help, she just left. I want to talk to her, I do. I want to ask her why she did it. I want to ask her if she even considered getting help. Olga keeps hounding me to strike up a conversation with Miriam, but I can't do that. Olga may be able to go on like everything is ok, but I can't. The truth is, I do miss Miriam, but I'm not ready to forgive her. I don't think I'll ever be ready to forgive her."
There, I said it. I did in fact, want to talk to Miriam. I wanted to tell her how angry I was with her. I wanted to ask her why she left, why she didn't even try to get help. I wanted to ask her if she even loved me enough to stay. I wanted to ask my mother if any of us ever even mattered to her.
As I paced back and forth, I began rapidly listing all of the questions I wanted to ask Miriam: Why did you leave? How could you be so selfish? Did you ever even care? Are you really that much of a coward that you just get up and leave just because you couldn't take it anymore? I told Dr. Bliss that I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to Miriam, scream at her that the way her life turned out was not my fault, and that she had no right to make my life living hell, just because she wasn't happy with hers. I wanted to tell her that I hoped she stayed away, and that I didn't need her.
I slumped back down in my chair, and I could feel angry tears rolling down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away with my hand, trying not to let Dr. Bliss see me cry. It was too late, though. She had handed me a tissue, and I took it. Normally, I hated letting people see me cry. But at this point, I didn't care.
Dr. Bliss let me calm down, before talking to me.
"Helga, "she said, "I have seen many children who have all experienced what you are experiencing right now. A mother just leaving is a huge blow to a child, especially one as young as you. Your feelings of anger and resentment towards your mother are acceptable and understandable, and I believe that you have every right to feel them. Let me ask you something, Helga. Besides your mother, is there anyone else you feel resentment towards?"
That caught me off guard. Was there anyone else I was angry with? I mean, any time someone even mentioned Miriam's name, I'd give them the death glare of all death glares. Seriously, if looks could kill, they'd be on the ground in pieces.
Oh, right. There were a few people I was angry at. Besides Miriam, my anger was also directed at my dad and sister.
"Well, obviously Bob and Olga. Sometimes I'm even more angry at them than I am at Miriam. I mean, I just don't understand how they can just go on like everything is ok, like what Miriam did was ok. Don't they even care? They just go around acting like nothing ever happened."
Dr. Bliss put one hand my shoulder, offering me some comfort. This is the only time I will ever admit it, but sometimes I feel like I wanted Dr. Bliss to be my mom, instead of Miriam.
"I can guarantee you that they do care, Helga. People have different ways in which they deal with their emotions when it comes to situations like this. You're just dealing with it the way you know how, and that is just fine, Helga. And, if you're not ready to talk to your mother, then don't talk to her, Helga. You and you alone can decide when you want to speak with her. And when you're ready to forgive her, you can do that as well. Until then, I think it's perfectly ok for you to feel this way. I think it's wonderful that you are so honest with yourself when it comes to exactly you feel about your mother, Helga. You are actually very grown up for your age. :"
I took in her words. Dr. Bliss really understood what I was going through, and what's more, she didn't try to force me to change my emotions. She didn't try to get me to accept the situation, and forgive Miriam. Instead, she did what I thought was the best possible thing: she listened. She listened to me rant and rave. She listened to me scream to the high heavens about what I was feeling until my voice was hoarse, and I could no longer scream anymore. And, when I was done, she would offer me advice. It was never, "Here is what you should do, Helga," but instead, "Whenever you are ready, Helga."
Our surprise session ended after about an hour. I stood up from my chair, and hugged Dr. Bliss, quietly thanking her for talking to me. She smiled at me, and told me that I could talk to her any time I wanted.
I excused myself from her office, and in no time I was outside. Shivering, I wrapped my arms around my body and jumped up and down a little. It had gotten dark, and it was also getting quite cold.
Still, I decided that I would walk home. It was a 30 minute walk, but I didn't care. I didn't want to take the bus. I didn't want to have the chance of seeing anyone I knew on the bus. I wanted to walk home, and I wanted to do it alone.
As I walked, past the shops and restaurants, I thought about what Dr. Bliss had said to me back on her office. For the first time in months, I allow myself a small smile, feeling even slightly better than I did since after Miriam left.
At the very least, I can accept the fact that just because Bob and Olga are choosing to go about this the only way they know how, does not mean that they are not sad about Miriam leaving.
However, I will also continue to deal with this in my own way. The pain that I feel from what Miriam did will always be with me, a hole in my heart that can never be filled. Even as time passes by, I don't think the pain will ever truly go away.
What's more, only I will be in control of when and whether or not I decide to talk to Miriam again. I may never be able to forgive my mother, but I hope that one day the anger and resentment subsides just enough for me to say hi.
And that's it! I hope you guys liked this, even though I didn't think it was my best. I was just eager to write a fic like this, and decided to go ahead, type, and upload it before I forgot. Reviews are always welcome and appreciate it.
So, like I said, I got this idea from my story Memoirs of Miriam, in which I portrayed Miriam in a way where people could feel a lot of sympathy for her. I portrayed her as a woman who truly did love and care for her family, but was suffering from severe depression and alcoholism. I portrayed her as a woman who felt trapped in a loveless marriage, and stuck in a life that she didn't plan and she wasn't ready for.
And then I thought what if Miriam had left? What if she did end up giving into her desire to leave (read my notes at the end of Memoirs of Miriam), and did so? That was when this story came in. In this story, I knew that I wanted to portray Miriam in a different light, a more negative one. I had already wrote about her in a way where people could feel sympathy towards her, so why not do something where people may end up losing that sympathy? And why not use a topic that is quite controversial: mothers leaving their children for whatever reason?
If this scenario did happen, I think that Helga would have felt it the most. Bob would act as if nothing happened (he's not really the type of give into his emotions, preferring to have everything, including himself, in control), Olga would try to encourage her family to be happy, and Helga? Helga would be the one to openly demonstrate her resentment towards her mother. However, I can also see her feeling very conflicted: she's very angry with her mom, but she misses her at the same time. She wants to talk to her mom, but turns down every chance she gets. She wants to have a normal mother daughter relationship, but doesn't know if it will ever be possible, because she doesn't know if she will ever forgive Miriam.
Also, I'm trying to write my Arnold fic for this little installment, but damn is that kid complex. It won't be for a while though, what with being a senior at my university, and it is kicking my ass.
See you all next time!