A young purple dragon stood watching a ferret and a little fox walk out of Sugarcube Corner and into a portal. His arms were folded, and his claws were drumming on his arms.
"Hmmmmm…," he said thoughtfully.
Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself.
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
It should've been somebody else.
The dragon smoothly slipped into a black tuxedo, thrusting his arms through the sleeves as if he were punching.
Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free-.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.
The dragon tied a bright red bowtie around his neck very neatly.
It's like a light of a new day-,
It came from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the spell I was in,
Making all of my wishes come true-.
The dragon took out a black and gold walking stick and spun it around in his claws. He then put on a big, elegant top hat.
Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free-.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.
Spike the Snob
Episode 1- Ryu Taylor the Ferret's MLP Review
Spike sat down in a comfortable looking chair in the Friendship Castle. There were plenty of books around him, and a bowl of gems on a nearby table.
"Hello everyone," the dragon said with a smile and a wave, "I'm Spike, and I'm here with a new review series for . Now, there are a lot of reviewers on right now. Mostly because of Matthais Unidostres and Keldeo the Critic. So, I knew if I want to stand out and not get lost in the crowd, I had to do something different."
Spike stood up suddenly and tapped the side of his head with his walking stick. "And that's when it hit me! I could review the Critics and Authors! I could talk about their good points, bad points, success stories, and huge mistakes! Everyone would want to read that! I'd get hundreds of hits!"
Spike sat back down and folded his claws. "So, I just needed to figure out who to do first. I considered doing Matthais Unidostres, since he seems to be the first Critic. But then, Equestria got a certain . . . visitor. . ."
Spike took a long deep breath. He rubbed his temples and said, "Okay. If you are, like, a fan of Ryu Taylor, then you're not gonna like what I have to say about him. But you know what? There's a 'close tab' button. There's also a 'close window' button. There's also a 'back' button. So yeah, that was my disclaimer."
Spike sat up straight. "So, yeah, you see, Ryu Taylor, a ferret from Littlest Pet Shop, visited Ponyville recently. You see, Zorua from Zorua Reviews found out that Ryu didn't like MLP, so he decided to bring him through a portal to Equestria. How? I don't know, but that's not really important. Now, Ryu's review series usually takes the form of journal entries. Which makes sense, cause the series is called Ryu Taylor's Journal. His previous reviews included Sailor Moon and Duck Tales. They were good. But his Friendship is Magic review was different. Waaaaaaaaay different."
Spike began breathing heavily, gripping his walking stick tightly. His face turned red slightly as he shut his eyes tightly. The golden bulb on the top of the stick glowed red slightly from the heat Spike was giving off. He opened his eyes and said, "Now, even before we get to the horribleness of this 'review'," Spike made quotations marks with his fingers, "Anyone following this purple rat should realize something. Here's an excerpt from the story that introduces Ryu: Ryu's First Day.
Mrs. Twombly showed Ryu to the Day Camp room. "Here's where the Day Campers have their fun," she said. "Stay out of trouble, dear." She left the Day Camp room to resume reorganizing the food.
Ryu looked at the other Day Campers staring back at him. They had never seen anything like him before.
"Who styled that ferret's hair like that?" asked out loud a purple Cavalier King Charles Spaniel with a pink streak in her hair.
"Zoe, don't scare the new Camper," scolded a light-brown hedgehog who approached him. "Hello, there. Welcome to the Littlest Pet Shop Day Camp. My name is Russell Ferguson." He handed Ryu a clipboard that had paper attached to it. "For any newcomers entering the Day Camp for the first time, I've prepared this handy questionnaire as a 'get to know you better' procedure."
Ryu took the clipboard rather forcefully from Russell. He then took out the device he came in with and removed a small stylus from it. With the stylus, he poked a small hole in the paper and dragged the stylus all over the paper, ripping it to shreds. Everyone was shocked. Ryu took this chance to snag a cushion, and soon fell asleep on it.
"But wait! There's more! Check out these flashbacks from the beginning of his MLP 'review'," Spike said.
"So how are you going to help me?" Ryu asked Zorua.
"Well, we're going to go to Equestria, of course!" Zorua responded happily.
Ryu was already less than enthusiastic, but hearing the little Pokémon say those words brought his mood down even more.
"I see. Then you aren't interested in my well-being after all," Ryu said in a conclusive manner. "You can go home now. You just rescinded the right to speak to me."
"But this is what I'm talking about. Whenever somebody even mentions anything about the show to you, you do exactly this kind of stuff."
Zorua's words brought a few memories back to Ryu, such as the time he popped Zoe's favorite chew toy just because she happened to utter the word "fabulous" within his earshot. And there was also the time he tossed Russell's checklist out into the street just as a cross-country bus drove by just because he mentioned having to double-check the list after having triple-checked it. There was also certainly no forgetting the time he knocked the TV over just because a commercial just so happened to have said the word "Pony."
Spike nodded. "So, as you can see, Ryu Taylor the Ferret . . . wait for it . . . IS AN ASSHOLE!"
Spike began counting off on his claws, "I mean, he doesn't listen to anyone, he's not very nice, he treats everyone around him like trash, and he only cares about himself! And, okay, he did write an apology letter for ripping up that questionnaire like a lunatic."
"Skin allergies? Your quills. Just kidding; I don't have allergies.
Athletic endeavors? You'll see next time I visit.
Name? Ryusei Taylor. Call me Ryu for short.
Any additional comments? I think you should have made copies of the master questionnaire, instead of copying a hastily hand-made backup taken straight from whatever occasion you wrote this copy during. I really thought an organized guy like you could do better. But anyway, I like you Campers. I'm looking forward to playing with you all tomorrow. And two more things; Russell, sorry about tearing up your original questionnaire. I just didn't want that many questions unloaded on me from the get-go. And second; yes, I'm male. See you all tomorrow!"
"But even the apology is mean! It's like he thinks he's so much better that they should be honored by his tongue in cheek apology. He even kinda blames Russell 'unloading too many questions on him.' And would it have killed him to apologize face to face?"
Spike grabbed some gems from the nearby table and chowed down on a few of them. "Alright, so what's wrong with his MLP review?" Spike frowned, "What's right with his MLP review, that's the shorter answer! As I said before, instead of reviewing it in a journal entry, Zorua takes him on a field trip to Ponyville to actually meet Twilight and my other pony friends. Now, instead of going through the whole trip, I think we can get the basic gist of the 'review' by reading the climax that happens at the party Pinkie Pie threw for him."
Ryu stared at the purple alicorn for a second and said, "Maybe you and your no-good friends should get out of my sight now."
"We're not going anywhere until you explain yourself," Twilight said assertively. "There is no cause for you to behave so coldly to us."
"Actually, there are many reasons," Ryu said. "For starters Twilight, you are no hero of any kind. Your story just designates you as one, when you're really just a tool for another princess. But I could've looked past that if it weren't for how much of a know-nothing-know-it-all pretentious hussy you are. What did you do when Spike, the hero of the Crystal Empire, was snubbed by Cadance for an invitation to greet Ms. Harshwhinny? You stood there and didn't even attempt to convince her otherwise. What did you do when you were gossiped about by the three girls calling themselves Gabby Gums? You force-fielded them out of your library. What did you tell those same three girls when their stage routine fell apart? You told them to never try anything new. And do I even need to bring up the Mare Do Well incident? What else do I need to say, Twilight Sparkle?! I hate you completely, and will until my last breath!"
"Hey, back off!" Rainbow Dash said, sticking up for Twilight. "This is also the pony who helped save Equestria many times! How can you hate a hero so much?!"
"She's no hero to me. And neither are the rest of you. Rainbow Dash, your rap sheet is also huge. Dropping rain on me was a bit much, but at least I provoked you. But did the Cutie Mark Crusaders? Just for gossiping about you? I don't think so. There was also your heckling of Trixie just because she bragged, something you make a daily ritual out of. Oh and that goes for you, too, Applejack. Then there was your stalking of a celebrity. And finally, your willingness to sell your friend for a book. There is no justification for such an action. To me, Rainbow Dash, your heart is a dark substance.
"Applejack, your smug insistence that your near-loss of Sweet Apple Acres taught you nothing irked me unbelievably.
"Fluttershy, keeping a Parasprite despite knowing what it could do, siding with the bats that could've destroyed Sweet Apple Acres, which need I remind you is Applejack's life income, and also refusing to see the dragon migration despite that you forced Rainbow Dash to see a butterfly migration. Off the top of my head, those are the actions of yours that caused you to earn my utter hatred.
"Rarity, you greedy contradiction to your element, prioritizing of your brief Canterlot social status on Twilight's birthday, and guilting Spike into giving you a Fire Ruby, all of those and more make you undeserving of any of my respect.
"And finally, you, Pinkie Pie. The words I am about to say to you can't completely convey how much I abhor you, but here goes anyway. You are a thoroughly insensitive, hyperactive, and immature woman-child. Pestering an old donkey for friendship and an apology, causing Appleoosa to be attacked by buffalo just when the conflict seemed to be averted, ruining all of Luna's attempts to make friends on Nightmare Night and claiming it was all in the name of fun, being of no help with the parasprite problem until it was too late to save Ponyville from them, buying up just enough cider to make Rainbow Dash the first customer to be told the faucet was empty and then bragging about the taste of what you deprived her of, and bullying Fluttershy to almost a nervous breakdown during her tenure in the Ponytones. Those are things a bully does. You are no friend, Pinkamena Diane Pie. You are a bully.
"But you know what? I could have forgiven all of that, were it not for one simple thing. Looking back, it was clear from the beginning how shallow all of you are. None of you ever were that interesting, but you were all nearly immediately infuriating. So you had just made friends with a once lonely unicorn during an adventure to save the land from a jealous princess. What do you do soon after? Try to bribe a Grand Galloping Gala ticket from her, of course! Yes, indeed, because when a dear friend of yours has a connection to royalty, you seek to exploit it not even a week since you know the one with the connection! In fact, I brought this with me just for all of you!"
Ryu then took his water pouch out of his pocket and bent the water out of it to form a small water stream. He spun it around to make it slap each of the six ponies in the face. He then let the water splash down onto the floor.
"The bottom line is, you are all thoroughly despicable vessels used to tell a horribly crafted story. It's impossible for me to want anything good to happen to all of you complete bitches. And when my opinion of protagonists goes down so low that I legitimately want your enemies to kill all of you and conquer your world, then that's a story I refuse to follow! As far as I'm concerned, your story is over!" Ryu had finally poured his feelings out. With no further business left in Equestria, he left Sugarcube Corner and approached the portal.
Spike looked as if he was about to snap his walking stick in half. He eventually dropped it, and then loosened his bow tie a bit.
"So . . . what kind of guy is Ryu Taylor?" Spike smiled and threw up his arms, "He's a self entitled little egomaniac! He just thinks he's the greatest being in the universe and if you don't like him or if he doesn't like you he'll slander your name and slap you in the face because he's Waterbending Ryu Taylor!"
"Ryu! Your Pokémon Mystery Dungeon fanfics were awesome! Your journal entry reviews were cool too. But you ain't got the talent for a "Ryu Taylor the Ferret Reviewer" style series! You don't have the talent for a face to face review series of this style! What're you gonna do, are you gonna drag Sunil along and have him agree with everything you say?" Spike stopped and scratched his chin, "You, Sunil is a wuss, so he probably would."
Spike rubbed his forehead, and then he said, "And I'm not being unfair by focusing on the climax of his 'review', because all Ryu does in this 'review' is insult the Mane Six and tell them how horrible they all are! That's all he does. Nothing else. Nothing."
Spike then leaned forward and said, "Alright . . . jerk, cause that's what you are. A fat jerk. You are making my friends look like a bunch of selfish, idiot, losers! I mean, I get that you dislike the show, but come on, is that really the extent of your imagination, Ryu. Is that really the wide range of tactics you can use to attack a popular show? Just . . . a bunch of 'The Reason You Suck' Speeches? Is that all you got?"
Spike leaned back and folded his claws on his knee. "You do realize that the rag you wrote was not a review. In a review, you're supposed talk about the storyline, the morals, the comedy, the action. All he does is go around and insult my friends! That's not a review! That's a rant! When you review something, you have to break all its elements apart and weigh out the good and bad. You can't just focus on everyone's bad points and not talk about anything else. That's lazy, and it sucks."
Spike smiled, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to borrow your logic for a moment. The logic that says if a character isn't perfect they're bad and worthless and deserve to die, and apply to a certain other show you happen to be a big fan of."
A scene from "Bato of the Water Tribe" plays.
Aang looked down at the paper in his hands.
"It's the map to Katara and Sokka's dad," he said. He looked at it hard, and crumpled it up violently as he shut his eyes tightly.
"Okay then," Spike said with a smile, "Now, let's compare that to a scene from MLP that you ranted about. Like the scene where Rainbow Dash 'trades' Fluttershy for a book. Hmmm, Dash regrets that decision after only about, hmmm, let me think, one, two, three, four, five- FIVE! Five seconds. And I don't even think she heard the book pony right anyway."
Spike then folded his arms confidently and said, "Now, let's see how long your selfish brat Airbender from you wannabe-Anime takes to regret his actions."
The episode goes into fast motion to the sought for point.
"That's well into the next day!" Spike exclaimed, "This jerk actually was able to sleep well after what he did! Pinkie Pie was oblivious during the Ponytones incident, but this little bald brat is completely aware that he did something wrong and it takes him 24 HOURS to realize, hey, maybe keeping your friends from their dad isn't very nice!"
Spike reached up and undid his bowtie completely. He tossed it aside and said, "Okay. Let me give you a crash course, or a 'reminder', as someone who's clearly seen and objectively reviewed MLP, what these six ponies have done."
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, that's really sweet of you to offer, Rarity, but I can't let you do that. It would be so much work. This dress is fine.
Rarity: Twilight Sparkle. I insist on making you a new dress.
Twilight Sparkle: But...
Rarity: Not another word! I won't take no for an answer.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, in that case... Thank you for your generosity, Rarity
Rarity: I'll make one for you and you and all of you. Oh! And of course Pinkie and Fluttershy too.
Rarity: You ponies did an amazing job. It's exactly the way I imagined it.
Fluttershy: We just followed your brilliant design.
Twilight Sparkle: Like we should have let you do for our outfits. Those first dresses you designed were perfect.
Pinkie Pie: We're so super sorry.
Rainbow Dash: You worked really hard to make our dresses exactly the way we wanted them. We all saw how well that turned out.
Rarity: Oh, I forgive you.
Fluttershy: Please, your Highness. We all saw that Twilight was upset.
Rainbow Dash: But we thought that the thing she was worrying about wasn't worth worrying about.
Applejack: So when she ran off all worked up, not a single one of us tried to stop her.
Rarity: As Twilight's good friends, we should have taken her feelings seriously and been there for her!
Fluttershy: Please don't take her away from us just because we were too insensitive to help her.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, I'm gonna tell you something, but if you ever tell anypony else, I'm gonna deny it. First time I heard those stories... I was scared too.
Scootaloo: You were?
Rainbow Dash: Sure! I mean, I got over it because I realized pretty quick that if there was such thing as a Headless Horse, I could totally take it on. So, you're looking for somepony to take you under their wing, huh?
Scootaloo: Mm-hmm.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, I might be up for something like that.
Scootaloo: Really?
Rainbow Dash: As long as you don't go falling into any more rivers in the middle of the night.
Scootaloo: It's a deal!
Apple Bloom: Well, there ain't gonna be a Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle: She's staying home.
Rainbow Dash: She's what?!
Apple Bloom: She got it in her head that the only way to represent Ponyville was by flyin' in our routine! When she couldn't do it, she told us that she was quittin'.
Rainbow Dash: And then you tried to stop her from doing that, right?
Sweetie Belle: Well, actually, we kinda told her...
Apple Bloom: ...uh, that we didn't want a quitter.
Rainbow Dash: Hang on. Are you nuts?! You're a team, and a team never leaves a friend behind!
Scootaloo: But flying's what Pegasus ponies are supposed to do! You flew when you carried the flag in the games!
Rainbow Dash: But that was me! You're you! And it just doesn't matter if you can fly or not. Your routine was amazing 'cause it represented exactly what makes Ponyville special. You do still know what that is, right?
Scootaloo: But Rainbow Dash... what if... what if my wings never grow? What if I never fly?
Rainbow Dash: Listen, Scootaloo. Maybe you'll fly someday, or maybe you won't. You're all kinds of awesome anyway. Who's the toughest little pony in town?
Applejack: If you take your time to do things the right way, your work will speak for itself. Sure I could tell you I learned something about how my friends are always there to help me, and I can count on them no matter what, but truth is, I knew that already too.
Pinkie Pie: No. I'm sorry I let my pride get in the way of you having the best birth-iversary ever. Cheese Sandwich really is a super duper party planner, and he'll be a terrific headliner. I should've been a big enough pony to admit that and let you have your day.
Rainbow Dash: But don't you get it? You're both super duper party ponies. Sure, Cheese Sandwich is a great guest party pony, but you're Ponyville's permanent party pony. Nopony could ever take your place, and we could never have a party without you.
Fluttershy: The vampire bats don't eat the seeds of the apples, and when they spit them out, they grow into even more productive apple trees!
Spike chuckled in an unstable manner as he snorted and wiped his nose, "Wait, I'm not done. Now, you obliviously really like the show Littlest Pet Shop, seeing as you hang out at Littlest Pet Shop with the Littlest Pet Shop Pets. Alrighty then. Let's see what those characters are like."
Pepper Clark hurts everyone with insult comedy and makes Penny Ling cry.
Vinnie viciously insults Sunil's magic skills.
Pepper and Zoe bicker endlessly while trapped inside the dumbwaiter.
Pepper and Zoe fight during Penny Ling's "One Year Pet Shop Daycare Anniversary Party"
Penny Ling throws a tantrum, stomps on Vinnie's tail, and rips a chair in half.
Everyone greedily pressures Minka to paint pictures for them to sell to the point that she has a mental breakdown.
Russell throws a series of dangerous objects, including a working chainsaw, at Pepper Clark to juggle, and then blows a horn, causing her to drop everything and nearly get chainsawed in half.
"Wow, what a bunch of losers!" Spike exclaims. "Now, let's go back to my pony friends who you insulted. Let's just check out what these girls can do as a team."
The Mane Six blasts Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Lord Tirek with the Elements of Harmony.
They make a huge tower of cider barrels during the competition against the Flim Flam Brothers.
Everyone helps each other get their Cutie Marks back during Magical Mystery Cure.
The Mane Six fight off an army of Changelings with magic and bare hooves. Fluttershy even manages to trick a few Changelings by cleverly pretending to be one. There's an awesome Power Puff Girl action scene that ends with a triumphant pose.
"Okay," Spike said with a nod, "Now, let's see what, uh, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven... SEVEN! ('Eight counting Blythe, but who's counting') Seven of your Looser Pet Shop Pets from your piece of garbage show could accomplish."
Scenes of the episode "Books and Covers" play.
Scout Kerry the cat easily outwits the pets as they keep bugging her, and she leaves them all laid out on the floor or smashed into walls. Minka falls off a building, and Scout just jumps on Sunil head.
They try to catch the Siamese cat with a fishing pole, but that just ends up sending them flying into a wall.
Scenes of the episode "Gailbreak" play.
Vinnie and Pepper fall over each other and get caught and put in cages.
Minka gets tricked and caught too.
Zoe starts randomly singing and jumping around Largest Ever Pet Shop, and she runs right into the robot and is caught.
Sunil randomly attacks pet food and swings pet toys around.
Spike was about ready to burst with laughter, "Now, just as a friendly reminder, this is what a certain side character could do in that...other show you claim is just terrible."
Maud Pie runs through the obstacle course, puts a helmet on, and jumps up to the boulder about to fall on Pinkie Pie. Maud then pounds the massive rock into dust in a manner of seconds.
"THAT WAS EARTHBENDING! SHE JUST EARHTBENDED! MAUD PIE-," Spike clapped slams the arms of his chair and claps his claws for emphasis, "EARTHBENDER!"
Spike cocked his head to the side in confusion and asked, "And . . . what did your pussies do again?"
They try to catch the Siamese cat with a fishing pole, but that just ends up sending them flying into a wall.
"Your version."
They try to catch the Siamese cat with a fishing pole, but that just ends up sending them flying into a wall.
"Theirs!"
Maud then pounds the massive rock into dust in a manner of seconds.
"Your version."
They try to catch the Siamese cat with a fishing pole, but that just ends up sending them flying into a wall.
"Theirs!"
Maud then pounds the massive rock into dust in a manner of seconds.
"Your version."
They fly into a wall.
"Theirs!"
Maud then pounds the massive rock into dust.
"Your version."
They fly into a wall.
"Theirs!"
Maud then pounds the massive rock into dust.
"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?" Spike roared, flames shooting out of his mouth. He took a few deep breaths, and then he said, "Can you just not comprehend character development? Do you just not understand the way characters are meant to be dynamic, with flaws and imperfections that make them realistic and give them something they're meant to overcome? I mean, what is your major malfunction, you..." Spike made motions with his claws in an attempt to find the right words to express his disgust, ". . . Oppressor of effort and good? What is going on in your head? Please! Contact me! Let me know! Let me know what in the name of holy guacamole has caused you to become so spiteful, when my friends were practically gift-wrapped for you by Lauren Faust herself as she screamed at the top of her lungs, 'These girls are relatable! These girls are relatable! Please! Get in contact with me! Get in con—."
Suddenly, there was huge burst of smoke within the room. The smoke faded, revealing a man dressed in the clothing a mask Amon wore in The Legend of Korra.
"AHH!" Spike exclaimed, "Who are you?"
"Greetings. I am Shyamalan," the man said in a monotone voice, "I heard that you were... disappointed by Ryu Taylor's review of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Well, I'm here to tell you that my power to destroy great art can be used to get revenge on him. For you see, I have discovered how to create a portal into the world of my live action theatrical production of The Last Airbender."
Spike gasped, "You're bluffing!"
Shyamalanwaved his hands, and a portal appeared. It showed a group of Earthbenders dancing around, causing a small rock to float by. Another Earthbender knocked it through the portal, where it landed on the floor in front of spike and crumbled to dust.
"AH!" Spike exclaimed in shock, "You've mastered the art of Cannonbending!"
"I plan to use this power to destroy Ryu Taylor the Ferret once and for all. How, you may ask? I plan on trapping Ryu inside that world, forcing her to watch and review my movie," Shyamalan declared.
Spike's jaw dropped. "That's cruel and unusual!" Then Spike smiled, his serpentine tongue snaking out as he blinked his nictitating membranes. "I like it . . ."
"Rest assured, Spike the Dragon. This Avatar fan boy will be destroyed forever once he experiences the 'Shyamalized' Last Airbender. I will suck out what little talent he had to begin with."
Suddenly, Spike looked at Shyamalan suspiciously. "Wait a minute. Why exactly are you doing this anyway? It's not like you're a Brony or anything."
"I have no respect for the franchise or its fans. I do not tolerate people who hate my film as they cling to their little cartoon. Therefore, crushing Ryu Taylor will bring me great satisfaction."
"So . . . you'll help me pay Ryu back for how he treated all my friends, and you don't want anything from me?" Spike asked suspiciously.
"Well . . ."
"Well what?" Spike asked.
Shyamalan pointed at Spike's outfit. "You need to look the part."
Spike blinked, then he smiled knowingly. "Oh, I get it! Be right back!"
Spike darted out of the room, and came back in his Dastardly Whiplash outfit from "Owls Well that Ends Well", complete with black cloak, black top hat, and black evil mustache. He twirled his mustache and said, "Your move, Ryu! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaa!"
Author's Note: Yeah, just in case you didn't catch that, Ryu, this was a challenge. So yeah, show me you have the guts. Review the movie. I'm sure you've seen it. If you haven't, then you can see it for free on the Solar Movie website.
(This was a parody of "The Cinema Snob" and "The Nostalgia Critic" on That Guy With The Glasses)