The Porg Awakens
The porg had found himself wandering through some vents in Tomorrowland. He didn't really care where he was going. He was just looking for a nice, warm place to hide. The porg was suddenly drawn to the light. He waddled up to it and looked through the slits of the vent. The porg could see a dark figure talking to a bunch of . . . what was the human word for them? Snow demons? Army snowman? Storm smugglers? Close. . . Storm Troopers! That's right. And they're following the emo man child with the red stick who stood next to a figure in a hooded cloak. The porg figured the hooded person was probably some old guy from Star Wars. He couldn't see his face to know. Oh well. It's so hard to keep up with the human politics.
The emo man was saying something about taking over the parks to start their empire on the world and in the galaxy. The porg didn't really care what they did as long as he was spared. Mainly he was distracted by the guy's scar on his face. He seriously needed to get that looked at. And why was his red glow stick on? He wasn't fighting anyone. Unless he's inwardly fighting himself. . . that's too deep.
"Blah blah blah," the man said. The porg wasn't listening until he directed his weird minions. "Find the girl. I know she's here."
The porg didn't know who the man child was talking about or what he was supposed to do with this information about finding the girl or the information that they were to take her to their nearest base. Apparently, they had a lot of bases.
Little porg was bored of the vents and decided to leave and find a quieter place to live. Somewhere without the creepy scar faced man child. The porg found a way out of the old innoventions (was it the Launch Bay now? He didn't care. They would probably change it in six months anyway. RIP Avengers) and flew off to find a new home.
No, the porg thought flying around the area. No. That place is another no. I'm tired. No, too creepy. An island all for my own? HECK YES. The porg flew towards the island and was happy that no one was there. Until he started walking around and saw a couple on the island. Rude. Didn't they know this is his island now? The porg wanted to go yell at them to get off his lawn, but they looked like they were happy sitting on the ground looking out into the water. They just sat there and talked. H3e hoped they were talking about taking over his island. He would have to tell them it's his. He decided to listen in to find out if he needed to yell at them. He caught their names: Finn and Amanda. The girl flicked the air and a pebble skidded across the water even though it never touched her hand.
"That's cheating," Finn teased.
Amanda laughed. "No, it's not!"
The porg stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide and his mouth open. A REAL JEDI. The porg immediately wanted to be her friend. FRIEND!? FRIEND!? The porg started to walk toward the couple, but a streak of red light hit the tree with a PEW! The porg hid and peaked behind the rocks to see what was going to happen.
The couple jumped up and Amanda used her force powers to push away the storm troopers, but they were already cornered. It's not like they could swim across the river either. The porg thought he was superior to humans in that instant because he could fly away at any time.
"We need her alive," one of the storm troopers said. The porg couldn't just let them kill his new OTP. He had to protect the Jedi! The porg squawked in defiance and started to attack one of the storm troopers by scratching the helmet with his claws. That gave enough distraction for Finn and Amanda to run past them. The porg kicked and squawked and hurried out of there before he could get cooked by the PEW PEW guns that had really bad aim.
He thought he finally did something heroic, but it wasn't enough. He saw the storm troopers take Amanda away while Finn left behind. His first thought was that the Jedi was really bad at fighting. His second thought was that he should probably wake up the useless human. The porg waddled up to him in his unconscious state.
"SQUAWWK!" the porg said, but he didn't wake up. The porg saw one time that humans might wake up if you step on their heart and press it to make the human start up again. He thought it was a stupid idea because humans aren't robots, but whatever. Finn needed to wake up to help Amanda. The porg landed on Finn's heart and jumped a few times.
"WAKE. UP!" he screamed.
Finn still didn't move.
This human is clearly broken, he thought.
The porg heard a sound next to him almost forgetting completely that he was trying to revive some intruder on his island. Oh cool, he thought. The light up box they think is a phone. The porg could read the word Willa on the screen with a picture of some girl. The porg stepped on the phone to see if he could break it, but instead he accidently answered the call.
"Hey, Finn! You there? Hello? I'm at the Emporium with Philby looking at candy. Did you want some coconut Mickey heads?"
The porg got an idea.
"Hello? Finn! You there?"
The porg hung up the phone and promised that he'd come back to the weak human who is probably a damsel in distress all the time and flew toward the Emporium. He needed to find this Willa girl to fix the unconscious human! The porg looked at Finn and told him not to worry because help was on the way!
The porg found Willa next to the- oh my GOSH. MORE PORGS! PORGS! The little porg went to the other porgs and tried to talk to them, but they didn't say anything. They just stared at him. . . nothing in their soul. Emptiness. The void. And then the little porg realized. . . he was in a pile of DEAD PORGS. HE SCREAMED, "THEY'RE DEAD. THIS IS GENOCIDE. THIS IS MURDER. WHY WOULD YOU GLORIFY THESE CORPSES!?"
"What the heck?!" some red head asked Willa. "Why is that porg real?"
"Hey little porg that shouldn't be in a public store. . . are you okay?" Willa asked.
"THESE PORGS ARE DEAD," he screamed, but of course they didn't speak porg.
"Do you not like these stuffed animals?"
"YOU SICK HUMANS. TAXADERMY?!"
"I know they're not real, but I can be your friend."
"THEY AREN'T REAL!? OH THANK THE MAKER. . . wait a second. . . a. . . FRIEND!?"
The little porg landed on Willa's shoulder. "I think he likes me."
"You've got to be kidding me. What is it doing here in the middle of the store?!"
"I don't know, Philby," Willa said as the porg landed next to the pretend dead porgs. "Why are you here, little porg?"
"NEED HELP! FRIEND IS BROKEN!" porg said suddenly remembering that he left a human for dead.
"Oh my gosh, you can't even understand it," Philby muttered.
Porg did not like Philby.
Willa petted the little porg. PORG REALLY LIKED WILLA. "We have to help him and get him out of the store before people notice."
"People will think we stole him. I'm not going to Disney jail."
The porg flew outside the store hoping Willa would follow him and leave the stupid red head. Sure enough Willa walked out the place looking for him. UGH. The stupid one was by her side too.
Luckily there wasn't many people outside at night so the porg could tug on Willa's sleeve with his teeth to get her to follow him.
"Look! He needs us! We have to go!"
Philby rolled his eyes. "Okay. . ."
The porg made a mental note to bite Philby whenever he got the chance.
"Take me where you want me to go!" Willa said. THE PORG LIKED HIS NEW FRIEND. And despised his new enemy. . .
Philby was getting really whiny when they got on the raft to Tom Sawyer's Island AKA Porg Island.
"Why are we here?" Philby complained.
"YOU'RE MEAN AND ANNOYING!" The porg said to Philby.
"You need a name," Willa said to the porg. "How about. . . Gavin?"
"NO," the porg screamed.
"Featherface?"
"NO!"
"Peanut!"
The porg accepted his new name as Peanut.
"Peanut it is!" Willa said.
They walked along Porg Island following Peanut the porg. Willa saw Finn in the distance and ran to his side.
"Finn!? Wake up!"
Philby picked up Finn's phone and looked at the porg. "Is this how you knew to find us?"
Peanut nodded. He couldn't tell if Philby was freaked out by Peanut's awesomeness or impressed.
Willa saved the human! Finn's eyes opened. That must mean he's not dead. Peanut was happy he saved the day by finding a new friend to save the day.
Finn started to gather his bearings and got up in a panic. "Where's Amanda?!"
"I'm not sure. What happened here?" Willa asked.
"We were on the island and these storm troopers attacked us. They must have taken Amanda."
"YOU GOTTA FIND THE JEDI!" Peanut screamed.
Finn looked at Peanut, confused. "Hey, didn't you attack one of those storm troopers?"
"You're kidding," Philby muttered.
Peanut jumped with happiness. Finally, he was acknowledged as a hero!
"Peanut the porg found me and brought us here."
"FRIENDS?! NOT YOU, PHILBY! FRIENDS?!" Peanut said delighted to be with his new friends. Annoyed to be near his new enemy. . .
Philby ignored the porg. "Any idea why Amanda would be taken?"
"SHE'S A JEDI!" Peanut shrieked.
"I don't know," Finn said. "Maybe they thought she was a Jedi or something."
"SHE'S A JEDI!" Peanut screamed again.
"Well, if you were a group of storm troopers where would you take someone?" Philby asked.
"TO THEIR BASE!" Peanut answered. "THEY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A MANSION I SWEAR! I WAS HALF LISTENING, BUT I HEARD IT!"
"I think Peanut is freaked out about something," Willa said. "What is it?"
"I THINK THEY TOOK HER TO THE MANSION!" Peanut said, but no one knew what he was saying.
"Well, that's helpful," Philby muttered.
Peanut the porg lost it and bit Philby's hand. "OW WHAT THE heCK?!" and "I ThiNK HE DREW BLOOD." Finn was too much in a daze to react to Philby's outburst which told Peanut that he had done nothing wrong.
Willa frowned at Philby. "You need to be nice to Peanut!" She looked at the porg. "Do you want to show us something?"
"YES, FRIEND!"
"Let's follow him then!"
"Great. The devil bird brought us to a creepy mansion," Philby said. Willa had to hold Peanut back. Peanut was out for blood.
"If the storm troopers are down there, how are we going to get passed them and find Amanda?" Finn asked. "It's not like we have a lightsaber on hand or anything."
PEANUT REMEMBERED SOMETHING. "I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND THE LIGHT BEAM STICK!"
Finn looked at the porg. "Don't tell me you know where I can find a lightsaber."
"PORG CAN FIND FRIEND LIGHT BEAM STICK! NOT FOR PHILBY."
"If you can lead me to it, then I'm all for it."
"NO," Philby said. "We aren't finding a lightsaber for you to live out your Jedi dream."
"This is to save Amanda."
"So just all clear and walk through everyone."
"FINN IS A GHOST?!" the porg screamed.
"I can't just all clear. You know the servers are down."
"Never stopped you before."
"This is different. We're on a time limit. I'm too afraid for Amanda to think straight. So we either go in there and hope no one bothers us, or we get a cool lightsaber that can cut through walls and destroy things."
"I VOTE THE GIANT GLOW STICK!" Peanut screamed.
Peanut led Finn to the place he hid earlier that day while Willa and the red headed idiot kept watch of the mansion. Peanut recalled seeing the shiny light sticks on display somewhere in the old Innoventions. He just had to remember where.
"You brought me to the main base of the Star Wars overtakers?" Finn asked.
"No, I brought you to the lightsaber," Peanut said. He thought that was pretty obvious.
Finn sighed. "Okay, well, hopefully I can get in and out without getting killed."
"I did," Peanut bragged.
"I have no idea what you're saying. But I feel like you're being sarcastic."
It was after eight o'clock, so the building was closed. Peanut remembered that the top is abandoned due to the whiny emo guy taking over. Finn could totally sneak up there!
Finn seemed to figure that out before Peanut could tell him. Luckily the door was already opened for Finn and Peanut to step inside.
Before Peanut could warn Finn that the emo prince was around there somewhere, Finn headed passed the packed boxes and wandered to the other side of the room. Peanut guessed he saw the lightsaber that was sitting on the box.
Peanut flew by Finn and landed on a box. Peanut had the sudden urge to take the lightsaber and become a Jedi, but he figured that the lightsaber was bigger than him so he probably couldn't carry it. Peanut flew to the lightsaber and tried to eat it, but Finn grabbed it. PEANUT WANTED A SNACK. Rude. Peanut was going to ignore Finn as revenge, but then he heard the lightsaber turn on. Peanut was about to scold Finn to turn it off only when he looked at Finn. . . it wasn't his lightsaber that turned on.
"THE EMO PRINCE HAS RETURNED!" Peanut screamed. Finn didn't seem to listen because he was too busy running toward the exit only to be stopped by Crylo Ren.
Peanut the porg thought that Finn was definitely going to die considering his first fight ended with him unconscious. Peanut couldn't let him just. . . die. Well, he could, but then Peanut would be responsible for his death and he didn't want to end up like BB-8 with a body count. Looks like Peanut needed to help his friend.
Finn turned his own glow stick of death on just as Kylo Sven attacked. Peanut was mesmerized. LOOK AT THE SHINY THING, he thought. It's so pretty and green and bright. Peanut wasn't even paying attention to the fight. All he cared about was the Christmas sticks smacking together like a brilliant firework show. PEANUT LOVED LIGHTS.
Peanut should've stopped staring at the Christmas light show when Finn almost got killed by the lights, but instead he just continued to watch. He wanted some of that popcorn stuff the people eat. It wasn't until the red Christmas stick sliced the box Peanut was sitting on in half that Peanut became mad. THAT WAS MY BOX, Peanut thought angrily. YOU WILL PAY. Peanut flew behind Dumbo Ren and sat on his head and screamed.
"PATHETIC BIRD!" he screamed back. Finn bolted toward the door as Peanut scratched Kylo Ren. Peanut flew off happily.
"You got the lightsaber?" Philby asked. Peanut started of thinking of ways to annoy the red headed nightmare. Maybe Peanut could scream at him. Would that work?
"It's green too," Finn said.
"Of course it is. . ."
"Ready to go into the mansion?"
"No, but I have a feeling we will anyway."
"I DON'T LIKE RED HEAD BRIT," Peanut screamed at Philby. "HE IS MEAN TO ME, AND I DON'T LIKE HIM. HE IS NOT MY FRIEND!"
"Aw, look, Peanut is ready for the adventure!" Willa smiled.
Peanut did not like the elevator or its silence. It was creepy. Peanut shuddered. HE WANTED OUT OF THERE. He walked up to the wall he knew was a door and screamed for it to open.
"I think that bird is broken," Philby said.
"YOU'RE BROKEN YOU PUNK A-" Peanut started to yell at Philby but he was cut off by all the praises from Willa. He loved his friend! AND HATED HIS ENEMY.
The elevator opened and Peanut credited himself for its magic. He walked through the hallway to see if he could find food because he was starting to get hungry. FOOD? Peanut thought.
"This isn't the same," Finn noted. "Where's the ride?"
Philby shrugged. "I don't know."
Peanut stayed close to Willa as he realized THERE WAS NO FOOD. They looked at the empty mansion which the deformed marshmallows must have taken over. They probably took the place and the food and cleaned it for a more practical use. That could mean the Jedi girl is in one of the rooms! They have to find her! FRIEND.
They started making their way through the hallway as Peanut decided to take the lead because he is now their ruler as of a second ago. Finn said something about opening one of the doors to see is anyone was in there, but all of them were locked. Blah Blah. Peanut didn't really care. Peanut was distracted by the smell of gingerbread.
"How are we going to know who is in what room?" He asked.
"I HAVE AN IDEA! I CAN GO THROUGH THE VENTS!" Peanut said but really, he just wanted an excuse to find the gingerbread.
"Maybe he has an idea," Willa suggested. "What are you trying to say?"
Peanut flew the vent up at the top to show his answer.
"That could work. Go ahead!"
Peanut found an open vent. He started going through and looking in different rooms for the gingerbread (and the Jedi FRIEND). One had some storm troopers playing a game of connect four and monopoly. Weird. One was empty. A good place to hide. Peanut could hear Kylo on his way towards his friend. Peanut squawked letting the others know that this room was safe to enter. The picked the lock and hurried through the door before Kylo could see them.
Peanut wandered around some more. He knew he was close to the Jedi friend. Then Peanut found what he was looking for: GINGERBREAD. Peanut flew through the vent and landed on a giant gingerbread house. He started eating it. So good. Ten out of ten. Peanut was so happy. He looked up and could see Kylo Ren looking down at him from behind the glass. HE WANTS TO STEAL PEANUT'S GINGERBREAD. NO, IT'S MINE.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Peanut screamed. "IT'S MINE, YOU PATHETIC PANSY."
Kylo walked away because Peanut scared him off. That's right. Peanut won. But if Peanut scared Crylo away then that means he might hurt his friends! PEANUT FELT BAD. HE WAS TOO GOOD AT BEING A FIERCE PORG.
Peanut went back in the vents and followed the emo prince to make sure he didn't find Peanut's friends (he can find red headed loser if he wanted. Peanut didn't care). As Peanut followed, he saw another room he hadn't seen before. FRIEND!? Had he found the Jedi girl?! PEANUT FOUND FRIEND! Amanda seemed to be taking a peaceful nap. OR was she broken like Finn was? Oh no, Peanut needed another friend to fix this friend. Ugh, these humans and their inability to stay alive. Peanut couldn't fix everyone.
Peanut walked back to the others after some wandering and temptation to go back to his beloved gingerbread house. He looked through the vent and could hear their conversation.
"I know Amanda is in danger and all that, but this is pretty cool, right? We're like Jedi's," Finn said.
"Do you hear yourself?" Philby asked.
"I'm trying to cope with the fact that my girlfriend has been kidnaped. Let me have this. Plus, you know I love Star Wars. I got to fight Kylo Ren. Like, that's awesome."
"You could've died," Willa noted.
"Oh yeah, I thought I was going to, but then if I had to die by a lightsaber, I'd be down for that."
"Again, do you hear yourself?!" Philby asked.
"If I had to fight Darth Vader, like, that would win it all. He's like the baddest of the bad."
Peanut decided that Finn was a complete nerd, and then he flew into the room to make fun of him.
"YOU'RE A NERD," Peanut screamed.
"Did you find Amanda?" Willa asked.
"YES!" Peanut said totally forgetting that he had found the Jedi girl.
Peanut saw black things on the ground and waddled over to them. What are they?! He stepped on them. Nothing happened. Philby took the black thing from Peanut and Peanut was mad and tried to attack Philby. Willa took another black thing next to Peanut. What were they called again? Peanut thought they were the pew pew things the demon marshmallows were holding when they attacked his friends. Peanut thought that was smart just in case the demon marshmallows return.
Peanut led his friends (and the red head who is not Peanut's friend) to the Jedi girl. Peanut zoned out for a second to see how sparkly Willa's button on her coat was. It's so shiny. Willa turned around in surprise, but Peanut was still looking at her coat. Whoa. Peanut blinked from his daze and realized that Willa and Peanut's enemy didn't have their PEW PEW guns anymore. When Peanut turned around the Jedi girl was pointing a green light stick at Finn. NO! FRIEND! MY OTP IS DEAD. JEDI GIRL IS MEAN.
They said something. . . Peanut didn't know. Destiny. Blah Blah. But what stuck out to Peanut was the possibility of her being under a spell. That was interesting. Peanut didn't study potions or the Disney version of the dark arts, but Peanut liked to watch a witch lady make her pretty potions. Some were purple. Some were green. Orange. They all glowed. Peanut liked like to look at them. The other day he looked at them and a burnt marshmallow guy came over. Said something about. . . evil stuff? Bringing people to the dark side. Peanut tilted his head at the corner of the room. Was that the. . .
Oh. . . Finn was going to be permanently broken. Ugh, Peanut was tired of saving people. Peanut needed an idea and fast otherwise his friend Willa would die too. Peanut was indifferent about Philby.
Peanut had a suspicion that Evil Amanda wouldn't kill Finn which meant Peanut had enough time to think of a plan even though Finn probably would accidently end up killing himself anyway. SIGH. Peanut needed to at least get Willa out of there (maybe Philby. Peanut didn't care if he was sacrificed). If Peanut could distract Amanda maybe all of them could get out alive. Peanut waddled behind Amanda and then bit her ankle.
"What the he-"
Peanut flew toward Willa and tugged on her sleeve to make her leave the room as Finn tried to take back the lightsaber. Peanut didn't know what all happened in their as Willa, Philby, and he ran off, but when Peanut counted everyone outside of the mansion. . . Finn was missing. Peanut's plan had. . . failed?! PEANUT SHOULD'VE NEVER BEEN A HERO. PEANUT IS SAD.
"You think Finn will be fine?" Willa asked.
"WE LEFT HIM TO DIE!" Peanut cried.
"He'll be fine. He can buy us some time to figure out why Amanda turned to the dark side."
Oh yeah, that's what peanut was looking at before Finn distracted him by being a damsel in distress. The vial thingy. He had seen that before at the witch's house when she gave it to the storm loser. Then she showed up at the Star Wars Launch pad. Peanut thought it was some old guy under the hood but now he realized it was some old lady! They must be doing business together.
"OKAY, LISTEN PEOPLE," Peanut screamed. "I REMEMBER SEEING A CLOAKED FIGURE. I KNOW WHO IT IS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK TO THEM AND GET THE CURE THE SPELL!"
Philby and Willa were clueless.
"What is the rat saying?" Philby asked.
"Philby, don't be rude, Peanut is trying to tell us something."
"LITTLE PUNK," Peanut called Philby, but Philby couldn't tell because he didn't know how to speak porg. Idiot.
"Is it about Amanda?"
Peanut nodded.
"Do you know why she's crazy?"
Peanut nodded again.
"Is it a spell?"
Peanut jumped up and down.
"Was it a witch?"
"Oh my gosh this is going to take forever!" Philby complained. "Just take us to whoever did this, and we'll make them change her back."
Peanut stared at Philby. An empty stare. His mind was drained of all thoughts. This red headed sack of potatoes had done the impossible. He made Peanut not care so much that all thoughts disappeared into a blackened void of nothingness. All that existed was emptiness. Peanut could do nothing but stare blankly at Philby waiting for him to say something smart instead of something incredibly stupid.
"Well, he's broken," Philby said. "Let's just get out of here and call for some back up."
"What back up!? Maybeck and Charlene are out of town. Jess is in Florida. I'm sure Joe would love to hear how Amanda is trying to kill Finn."
"Okay. . . you have a point. I guess we have to find this witch." Philby looked at the porg in defeat. "Was it Maleficent?"
Peanut shook his head.
"Gothel?"
"No! IDIOT."
"Evil Queen?"
The porg nodded.
"This is going to be-" Philby said something but Peanut refused to listen to anything he said unless it was to him that wasn't insulting him. Peanut knew better than to let negativity rule his life.
Peanut led Philby and Willa to the Evil Queen hideout in the Snow Whites ride. Peanut was happy they found her although she might attack them. Peanut hoped she was just attack Philby so Peanut can look at her make the pretty potions.
"Get out of here," the old Evil Queen said. "I'm busy."
Peanut waddled inside and found a golden churro on the table. That was his churro now. He ate it as Philby started accusing the Evil Witch of working with Vader.
"I do some deals here and there," she admitted.
"Like today?"
She shrugged. "Any day really. They want some potions to persuade some problematic people. I don't object. Do you want some? Fifty a piece."
"We're not here to buy your potions," Willa said. "Our friend is under some sort of spell. She thinks she's part of the dark side. We need her to snap out of it before they use her to destroy this whole place."
"Oh, there's not cure to these potions."
"What?"
"There's a reason I'm called the Evil Queen. Of course there's no way no reverse it."
"What about true loves kiss?" Willa suggested.
"Who would love someone that turned to the dark side?"
"So it could work?"
"I don't know! I didn't think about it. I just assumed the people they would recruit didn't have any ties."
"So you don't even know if you can break the spell or not?" Philby asked.
"I don't need you kids bothering me about this! I'm only being nice because there's no one to pester anyway. You kids made it boring. If your friend took the potion, then she's probably not going to fall in love any time soon, and I doubt she'll let anyone kiss her. Use your heads. Get out of my ride."
"It's Snow White's ride," Peanut said.
"I know it's Snow White's ride, you bird! GET OUT."
Peanut was upset because Philby got them kicked out, and the Evil Queen took his churro. Philby ruined everything.
"What do we do?" Philby asked. Peanut glared at him because he lost his churro. It was so golden. It tasted like fruit loops. Golden fruit loops. All he was left with was a fruit loop dingus instead.
"I guess we find Finn and find someone else to break a spell if true loves kiss is out of the question."
Peanut sighed and started to listen in more to their conversation. He liked listening to Willa. Not his enemy. That reminded Peanut of his friend and his ex friend. He loved his OTP, but now they were probably both on the dark side. Peanut will have to save them or END THEM when the time comes. Unless they broke permanently. That would be a waste.
"I'm going to find friend!" Peanut said to Willa. He decided that he couldn't just sit there and pout forever. He had to do something. Before Willa could respond, he flew away to the mansion. Peanut needed to save the day. As usual.
When Peanut waddled through the vents, he didn't see Amanda in any rooms or Finn. That worried Peanut.
"We have a problem," a voice said. Peanut couldn't tell who was talking to whom, but they seemed important.
"What is the problem?"
"Another vial won't be delivered until tomorrow and he's already becoming a problem. We can't kill him because it'll break the spell."
"You were the one to track her down, were you not?"
"I did."
"Expendable people."
"She is expendable! She's one of those orphans."
"If she was alone then why are there people trying to break into this facility?"
"I can fix this!" he said though his voice was getting muffled.
"I will fix this myself."
PEANUT WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THAT OUTCOME. PEANUT DID NOT WANT TO WITNESS A MURDER. PEANUT WADDLED AWAY QUICKLY.
GOTTA FIND FINN, Peanut thought otherwise Finn was going to die! Peanut wanted Finn and Amanda to be together forever! If Finn dies, the spell would be broken because Amanda couldn't stand to lose Finn. But if the spell is broken, then Amanda would die! That means both of them could die! NO. PEANUT WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.
Peanut could have sworn he heard Darth Vader's soundtrack as Vader walked into another room. Luckily, he was walking toward the exit of the building even though Peanut thought he was going to kill Finn and Amanda. Phew. . . but if he wasn't going to fix that mess. . . then. . . CRYLO NO.
Peanut ran as fast as he could to find Finn and Amanda but they weren't anywhere in sight until he found Kylo Ren walking in a hallway dragging his red lightsaber on the wall to destroy it. He seriously had some issues. Peanut hoped he would go to counseling soon.
Peanut followed him until he led him to Finn and Amanda. FRIEND AND EX FRIEND. Defective marshmallows guarded Finn as he stood waiting for the outcome of this story. Peanut thought that Finn was hoping Darth Vader would show up. Sorry to disappoint, Finn, but you get the wimpy grandson, Peanut thought.
Kylo walked into the room to see the group that just arrived. He told the marshmallows to leave. Probably a dumb idea on Kylo's part, but Peanut the porg was not complaining.
Kylo told Amanda to kill Finn. Honestly, it was at that point where Peanut was kind of too busy freaking out to really listen to what they were saying. Something about the power of the dark side. Yadda yadda. Peanut noticed that the lighting made Finn's eyes, like, really green. Like almost glowing green. Peanut thought that was weird. Was he hypnotizing Amanda to be his girlfriend? Because that would be mean. Or was she, like, into green eyes in general. Peanut didn't know much about humans and their weird needs. Some humans like hot humans (whatever that meant. Why would they be on fire?) and some humans settled for other nice humans. Weird. Peanut stopped thinking about how weirdly green Finn's eyes were as Kylo used the force and threw Amanda to the side of the room. Peanut was ready to go in and bite Kylo when Crylo got even madder and stabbed Finn with his lightsaber.
PEANUT LOST HIS MIND. He started crying in the vent. "FRIEND NO!" HIS FRIEND WAS DEAD! NOOOOOOOOO!
Then Peanut stopped being so dramatic and realized that Finn didn't react to Kylo skewering him with a light up sword.
Kylo stabbed him again. Nothing.
Kylo slashed his sword. "WHY!?" Stab. "CAN't." Stab. "I" Stab. Stab. "KILL YOU!?"
"You're not going to like the answer," Finn said as he punched Kylo Ren in the face.
YE BOI. PEANUT WANTED SOME POPCORN. Instead Peanut flew down and harassed Kylo enough for Finn to pull away his lightsaber.
Finn pointed the lightsaber at Kylo. "I think we both know how this is going to end."
"I don't fear you."
"I'm not the one you need to fear."
Kylo was thrown to the wall and was out cold. Peanut knew that he was going to be in a broken state for a while. HAHA. Peanut the porg looked up and could see Amanda standing and back to normal! She saved them! Does that mean she's not evil anymore!?
"Let's get out of here," Amanda said.
Peanut screamed. HE KNEW THE WAY OUT.
When they opened the door, Peanut expected for there to be a bunch of red marshmallows looking for a fight, but apparently no one cared that their leader was taken out. In fact, Peanut could have sworn he saw some weirdo look the other way when they ran out of there. He looked like a red headed creep too. He wasn't going to, like, kill Crylo or anything right? Peanut didn't really care about his moral standings anymore. He just wanted out.
They followed Peanut out of the mansion confirming that Peanut was the leader and saved the day.
"Punching Kylo in the face was the most satisfying thing I've ever done," Finn said as they looked for Philby and Willa. They had to be there somewhere. Peanut hoped they would find Willa.
"I'm glad you're finding a positive spin out of this," Amanda said.
PEANUT NEEDED TO KNOW HOW THEY BROKE THE SPELL, he realized. Was it true love?! He needed to know, but he didn't get to find out yet because he's a porg and they couldn't understand his questions.
Peanut could hear the music again as Darth Vader walked toward them in front of PORG Island. Vader was not alone though. He brought a few of his marshmallow koopa troopas who were holding Willa hostage! Oh, and Philby. He's okay, Peanut guessed.
Peanut felt really bad. He should have been paying attention to the dialogue about convincing Amanda to join the dark side (wow they were insistent), but all Peanut could think about was how distracting Darth Vader's voice was. Like, Peanut knew his whole get up was because of a prequel accident, but, like, all he could hear was the OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHHH instead of what he was trying to say. Maybe it was something about how Amanda could find purpose. Peanut didn't know. He just wanted to sit on Darth Vader's head. It would probably be a nice sitting spot too. What's with the cape though. Was it soft? Peanut walked toward the cape while emo dad gave his speech. That cape looked soft. Peanut was going to bite it.
Peanut bit the cape. It didn't taste like the dark side as he hoped it would. Instead it tasted like dirt. This cape needed to be cleaned. Maybe if Peanut tasted it again it would taste different. Turns out that was a bad idea because it still tasted like dirt.
Peanut had to quickly move away because Darth Vader started to swing his red koolaid stick around. Peanut figured now was a good time to bite everything. Peanut bit the storm troopers. He bit Darth Vader. He bit Philby. He bit another storm trooper. It was really nice until he saw Finn trying not to die by the force. These villains and their idea to suffocate people was ridiculous. Why not just use the murderous glow stick?! Whatever. Peanut would put an end to this and save Finn. Again. Ugh.
Peanut sat on Darth Vader's head.
Darth Vader was so confused that he forgot about killing Finn and hit Peanut out of the way. THAT MADE PEANUT MAD. THAT WAS HIS SPOT.
Peanut was about to charge, but Amanda used her Jedi powers to toss Darth Vader into the water as well as all the other storm troopers. Peanut was amazed.
"You guys okay?" Philby asked. Peanut had seen Philby fight off the storm troopers. He did okay. He was alive. Whatever.
"I'm fine," Finn muttered still trying to breathe. "Turns out experience Darth Vader trying to suffocate you isn't as fun as it is to watch in the movies."
"Anyone could have told you that," Philby said rolling his eyes. Clearly Philby thought Finn was an idiot. Peanut agreed, but disagreed quickly because he didn't want to ever agree with Philby.
Peanut looked toward the water and could see a melted marshmallow hold up his gun out of the water straight at him. Peanut didn't know why he would do that. Was it to- PEW. PEW.
Peanut died.
Okay, well, Peanut was supposed to die, but the red headed loser pulled him out of the way before he could get killed and make this tale incredibly sad and depressing.
"PHILBY DOES LIKE PEANUT!" The porg screamed.
"This means nothing," Philby said as they all got the heck out of there.
They all hid in the hotel where they were staying. Peanut didn't know why they were at the hotel or what for, but he loved it. The beds were so nice. He liked looking in the mirrors to see another porg on the other side. He stole Philby's chocolates and ate them.
"We survived," Finn said and he sighed in relief.
"Just barely," Philby muttered.
"It was all because of Peanut!" Willa said.
Peanut chirped and sat next to Willa. FRIEND.
"How did you get back to normal?" asked Philby. "One second you were about to kill Finn and the next you were fine."
"I was never under a spell," Amanda said. "They offered me a glass of something and I knew immediately that it wasn't normal. Plus, I overheard someone talking about a new evil spell, so I figured I would just pretend for a while and convince them I was evil so I could find a way out. You guys just beat me to it, so I had to play along. Otherwise I would have really gotten put under a spell, and who knows what I could've done."
"You couldn't, like, be more powerful than Darth Vader, right?" Philby asked. "Like, there's no way you could have done that much damage."
"I could break every bone in your body with just a thought. You really think that the evil me wouldn't have done that the moment you all stepped foot in that room?"
"Um. What. You're kidding. . . right?"
"I'm just saying it like it is. Clearly these dark siders are trying to find people to manipulate into joining their cause. They want loyalty and control. I guess because I didn't take the potion, we'll never know what I would've done."
Peanut lost interest in what they were saying again. He would've listened if Jedi Amanda talked about what she'd be like if she were evil. She was holding back her power. If she could beat Darth Vader then she could put an end to the creepy storm troopers that keep messing up his home! Or Peanut could just live wherever Willa goes. Peanut loved Willa. He's okay with Philby now because he saved his life. Peanut decided not to bite Philby anymore. . . for an hour. After an hour, he was going to chew his finger off.
Peanut stayed in the hotel that night and was happy. He didn't feel so alone anymore. Maybe one day he'll rejoin his family again, but for now, Willa, Finn, Amanda, and not Philby were his family. He couldn't ask for anything better.
THE END.